thanks to shelby for this quote:
"make something out of me. i'll hasten to your calling, hang on your every word, but i beg you to speak loudly because i cannot afford to miss it, lord. but in the meantime, may i have the grace to wait. you won’t hesitate when the time is right; it’s in your time. and when you see me face to face i’m certain that the plans you have will turn out good for me."
jj heller
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
i can't imagine life without you - without you
i truely cannot imagine life apart from jesus. it scares me to even think about it.
good news this morning (totally unrelated to jesus, in case you were wondering):
weezy will be out of prison on november 4th
ti and eminem are now best friends
ti's new album comes out august 17th
ti and eminem have a song on the new album
i didn't blog yesterday, because i had the day off. i so needed it. i just needed a breather. the next two months will actually be relatively nice with a lot of vacation time coming up - thank you, lord! i'm excited about taking my first whole week off of work since i've been here (2 years!).
this morning my flesh won the battle of the early morning wake up. my alarm went off at 6:30 for my quiet time, but unfortunately, i hit snooze until 7:40. the good thing is that when i get home today i'll have about 3 hours of down time. me and jesus will hang out then.
i have seen jesus visibly work in my life twice over the past 18 hours. one was a very silly way, and the other was more affirming:
1. last night liz and i were driving from the west end down to trio's to eat dinner, and we were talking about life and lost love and relationships and venting some frustrations. we were talking about how we so desire for god to just speak to us - audibly speak to us - because sometimes it feels like he's forgotten about us. right then - in the midst of crazy, packed downtown greenville - we found a parking spot right outside of trio's. it was such a little thing, but it really calmed my heart and made me remember that he does hear me. i'm here, beloved. i hear everything word. i catch every tear. i know every desire. i feel every hurt. but i've got you. just trust me. i'm not going to disappoint you. i'm not going to let you go.
2. the past few days i've felt like satan has really been attacking my thoughts - probably for the first time in a while i've been actively trying to have pure thoughts and let jesus control my thoughts. my spirit and my flesh have been warring like crazy. i'm realizing more and more that this life is a battle - and we can only survive if we rely on the power of god that raised christ from the dead. oh, that i would learn to do that. anyway. i got to my office this morning and opened my gmail to find my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries (if you're a woman and you do not subscribe to this you need to). the title of the devotion was "parking my mind on truth." oh, how my tired mind and discouraged heart needed to read those words. the truth is, of course satan is attacking my mind - it's an easy way to get to me, especially when that's one area that i'm trying to be aware of and trying to give jesus absolute control. i've got to keep going back to philippians 4:8 "whatever is true...meditate on these things." meditate on the truth. park your mind on truth. the truth will set you free. that's a promise.
something else the lord has taught me - or reminded me of - this week is that he does not disappoint. i think i told you earlier how i decided to commit psalm 25:4 to memory: "show me your ways, o LORD, teach me your paths; lead me in your truth and teach me; for you are the god of my salvation, and on you i will wait all the day." yesterday i was revisiting this verse, and i was doing kind of a cross-reference on the words "ways," "paths," and "truth." i came across this verse:
good news this morning (totally unrelated to jesus, in case you were wondering):
weezy will be out of prison on november 4th
ti and eminem are now best friends
ti's new album comes out august 17th
ti and eminem have a song on the new album
i didn't blog yesterday, because i had the day off. i so needed it. i just needed a breather. the next two months will actually be relatively nice with a lot of vacation time coming up - thank you, lord! i'm excited about taking my first whole week off of work since i've been here (2 years!).
this morning my flesh won the battle of the early morning wake up. my alarm went off at 6:30 for my quiet time, but unfortunately, i hit snooze until 7:40. the good thing is that when i get home today i'll have about 3 hours of down time. me and jesus will hang out then.
i have seen jesus visibly work in my life twice over the past 18 hours. one was a very silly way, and the other was more affirming:
1. last night liz and i were driving from the west end down to trio's to eat dinner, and we were talking about life and lost love and relationships and venting some frustrations. we were talking about how we so desire for god to just speak to us - audibly speak to us - because sometimes it feels like he's forgotten about us. right then - in the midst of crazy, packed downtown greenville - we found a parking spot right outside of trio's. it was such a little thing, but it really calmed my heart and made me remember that he does hear me. i'm here, beloved. i hear everything word. i catch every tear. i know every desire. i feel every hurt. but i've got you. just trust me. i'm not going to disappoint you. i'm not going to let you go.
2. the past few days i've felt like satan has really been attacking my thoughts - probably for the first time in a while i've been actively trying to have pure thoughts and let jesus control my thoughts. my spirit and my flesh have been warring like crazy. i'm realizing more and more that this life is a battle - and we can only survive if we rely on the power of god that raised christ from the dead. oh, that i would learn to do that. anyway. i got to my office this morning and opened my gmail to find my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries (if you're a woman and you do not subscribe to this you need to). the title of the devotion was "parking my mind on truth." oh, how my tired mind and discouraged heart needed to read those words. the truth is, of course satan is attacking my mind - it's an easy way to get to me, especially when that's one area that i'm trying to be aware of and trying to give jesus absolute control. i've got to keep going back to philippians 4:8 "whatever is true...meditate on these things." meditate on the truth. park your mind on truth. the truth will set you free. that's a promise.
something else the lord has taught me - or reminded me of - this week is that he does not disappoint. i think i told you earlier how i decided to commit psalm 25:4 to memory: "show me your ways, o LORD, teach me your paths; lead me in your truth and teach me; for you are the god of my salvation, and on you i will wait all the day." yesterday i was revisiting this verse, and i was doing kind of a cross-reference on the words "ways," "paths," and "truth." i came across this verse:
"your paths drip with abundance."
psalm 65:11
why wouldn't i want to follow god's path - his path drips with abundance. it's like excess of abundance! sounds good to me.
i also was reminded again to let jesus lead me in HIS truth - not the lies satan traps me in - but the truth of the gospel, of what the cross and the resurrection mean in my life, of who jesus is. because the truth leads to freedom, and freedom is what i desire and what jesus desires for me.
jesus, captivate my mind. show me your ways; teach me your paths; lead me in your truth, and teach me. illuminate the lies that satan feeds me. release my mind and heart from the bondage or sin and lies. help me to trust you. give me more abundance than i know what to do with and than i could ever have imagined.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
favorite findings from today
some quotes i've found today that are now taped all over my computer monitor:
there are far better things ahead than any we could leave behind.
cs lewis
in almost everything that touches our everyday life on earth, god is pleased when we're pleased. he wills that we be as free as birds to soar and sing our maker's praise without anxiety.
aw tozer
refuse to be average. let your heart soar as high as it will.
aw tozer
lower your expectations of earth. this is not heaven, so don't expect it to be.
max lucado
go girl - seek happy nights to happy days.
shakespeare
there are far better things ahead than any we could leave behind.
cs lewis
in almost everything that touches our everyday life on earth, god is pleased when we're pleased. he wills that we be as free as birds to soar and sing our maker's praise without anxiety.
aw tozer
refuse to be average. let your heart soar as high as it will.
aw tozer
lower your expectations of earth. this is not heaven, so don't expect it to be.
max lucado
go girl - seek happy nights to happy days.
shakespeare
mid-afternoon action report
trying to practice the biblical truths found in this quote by audrey hepburn:
for beautiful eyes look for the good in others
for beautiful lips speak only words of kindness
for poise walk with the knowledge that you are never alone
i've mostly failed, but i'm hoping to get better.
for beautiful eyes look for the good in others
for beautiful lips speak only words of kindness
for poise walk with the knowledge that you are never alone
i've mostly failed, but i'm hoping to get better.
wake up call
this morning my wake up call came at 6:30 am. actually, 6:24 to be exact. i technically had about 45 more minutes of sleep awaiting me, but instead i wanted to practice self-control and discipline and get up and spend some time with jesus before the day started. at least i started the day with a wise decision, right? i realize that even this one seemingly tiny good choice i made was made only because of god's grace. i am dependant on grace every moment - for every choice. and even now as i'm seeing all these areas of life that i want to fix and clean up and give to jesus - i can't even do that on my own. i've got to trust his grace to do what i can't do in my sin. i can't change myself, i can't save myself, i can't fix myself, i can't give myself peace or joy, i can't help myself move on, i can't help myself forget; only jesus can do those things. and i can fully rely on him to do those things. and instead of feeling overwhelmed by all of the junk that he wants to purge from my heart and my life, i can trust him when he whispers to my spirit, baby steps, my beloved; one step at a time; one choice at a time. so i made a good choice this morning. woo hoo!!
i settled into the couch with the word and my journal, and opened to psalm 25. one verse that really affected me this morning was verse 4:
i settled into the couch with the word and my journal, and opened to psalm 25. one verse that really affected me this morning was verse 4:
show me your ways, o LORD;
teach me your paths.
lead me in your truth and teach me;
for you are the god of my salvation,
and i will wait on you all the day.
i decided to commit this verse to memory this week for obvious reasons. yesterday i talked about proverbs 3:5-6, learning to trust his ways and not my own. what a great follow-up verse. i like this passage because it reminds me that the work is god's. he will show, teach, and lead. all i have to do is wait. if i'm faithful to seek him, all i have to do is wait. amanda kendall used to tell me to pray scripture, because if it's in his word then it's a promise he wants to fulfill. his desire is to show me his ways, to teach me his paths, to lead me in his truth. what a powerful verse to pray!
lyrics that are encouraging my heart this morning:
let now the weak say i have strength
by the spirit of power that raised christ from the dead
let now the poor stand and confess
that my portion is him and i'm more than blessed
let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all for your son's holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
we love you lord, we worship you
you are our god, you alone are good
let now your church shine as the bride
that you soar in your heart as you offered up your life
let now the lost be welcomed home
by the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own
let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all for your son's holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
we love you lord, we worship you
you are our god, you alone are good
you asked your son to carry this
the heavy cross our weight of sin
i love you lord, i worship you
hope which was lost, now stands renewed
i give my life to honor this
the love of christ, the savior king
let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all for your son's holy name
and with the heavens we declare
you are our king
we love you lord, we worship you
you are our god, you alone are good
you asked your son to carry this
the heavy cross our weight of sin
i love you lord, i worship you
hope which was lost, now stands renewed
i give my life to honor this
the love of christ, the savior king
"savior king" by hillsong
Monday, May 24, 2010
lately
while in edisto, liz and i useda grill for the first time. it was a scary, yet gratifying, experience.
me and liz at JOHN MAYER! the culmination of my life's hopes and dreams.
gray and me in charleston in february. dark hair = winter.
the whole group of girls at the cup in march. love these ladies.
me and my brother, gray, at lindsey and jason's reception.
me and my mom at lindsey's bridesmaids brunch (given by my mom and mrs. ingram).
me and liz before leaving edisto the weekend before lindsey's wedding.
me and trey, one of the sweet kids that i work with. he's my favorite. he likes my jewelry.every season
remember that post i did where i talked about seasons? i just listened to this song and wanted to share the lyrics. enjoy!
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
"Every Season" by Nichole Nordeman
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
"Every Season" by Nichole Nordeman
i've heard it all before
trust in the LORD, and lean not on your own understanding.
i cannot tell you how many times i have heard this verse. i think usually i use it to simply make myself feel better about something that's not going my way. but i think god's intent was something a little different.
"trust in the LORD." trust is defined as having faith or confidence in, to believe, to rely on, to hope, expect or wish. in scripture, when you read LORD (capitalized), it means the sovereign lord - the god who knows all, sees all, and is complete control of all things. webster defines sovereign as "one who possesses ultimate authority." i read this part of the verse as believe in, rely on, hope in, and have complete confidence in the god who goes before you and takes care of everything.
"lean not on your own understanding." don't trust yourself. period. don't try to figure things out. don't try to justify or rationalize or explain. don't try to understand. instead, seek god's heart - seek his ways - his thoughts. isaiah 55 tells us that his ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. habakkuk tells us that god is doing something that we will not believe even if he explained us.
i think instead of using this verse to gloss over fears and doubts and confusion, god intended this verse to humble me - to remind me that my ways only lead to crooked paths and dead ends. he wants to remind me that i can't trust my own mind - i can't trust my explanations or reasoning for why things happen or don't happen. and he doesn't want me to. he wants me to trust in his sovereignty - to dig deep into his word and discover his heart, and then move towards understanding HIS ways. the beauty of it is that i don't have to understand. there's no reason for me to. if i'm completely reliant on the god who is before all things and familiar with all things and has a purpose for all things and is constantly working for my good, then there's no need for me to fret and worry over WHY.
i don't have this mastered - trust me. but my heart is crying out for him to help me rely on him and trust his sovereignty. this is a process he's walking me through right now.
another heart lesson the lord is teaching me:
yesterday i went to church at mitchell road presbyterian. i was so encouraged, and i really loved the teaching. the pastor was talking about the hope and promise we have in the resurrection, and how we should be expectant for the day that jesus returns. he said that a lot of times we have the attitude of "i don't jesus to come back until _______." for me, i don't want jesus to come back until i fall in love and get married. feel free to fill in the blank with whatever you're waiting for. then andy said something that pricked my heart: "whatever you put in the blank is an idol." whoa. i know i want to get married really badly, but i've never considered marriage an idol in my life. it absolutely is. falling in love and getting married is an idea - now an idol - that i am holding on to with both hands and my heart so tightly that i'm not sure how to begin to let go. the pastor ended with this statement: "you can't lay hold of the treasure that the lord has for you until you let go of whatever it is that you're holding on to. he won't ask you to let go of something unless there's something better to cling to." i may fall in love and get married. i may not. why hold on to that? there's no treasure in an "if." but there is treasure in jesus - in knowing him, experiencing him, loving him more, enjoying his relentless pursuit of my heart, serving him. those are treasures that i can cling to - treasures that multiply. the only thing jesus calls us to hold tightly to is eternal life (1 timothy 6:12). that's where the treasure is. this idea points me directly back to trusting in the sovereign lord and his ways - not my own.
one last thing jesus is doing in my heart:
i have spent the past week thinking that i messed up a good thing; that i was wrong. how quickly i fall for satan's lies. the truth is, i was obedient. instead of mourning an ending, i should celebrate that (though it took a little longer than it probably should have) i was obedient to christ. there is victory! as i type this jesus is reminding me of a blog i wrote a few weeks back about philippians 4:8. "whatever is true...meditate on these things." i've been meditating on lies. and it has been stealing every ounce of joy from my heart.
like i said, i don't have any of this mastered. but i'm glad to know that even though i'm sinful and i continue to run back to the things i hate and i consistently choose everything else over jesus - he doesn't give up on me. he doesn't choose anything over me.
Friday, May 21, 2010
who died...
...and made you king of anything?
shout out to sara bareilles for her new song "king of anything."
not too much has been going on in the oh-so-fabulous life of ashley gardner, but let me just give you a little insight in to a NORMAL day in my life:
over sleep. office floods while i'm the only person at the office. miss an important meeting due to aforementioned flood. lose debit card after lunch. diet coke explodes in car. go to chick-fil-a on the way to teach a class and can't pay for food, because i realize i have lost my debit card (6 hours after the mishap occurs). power point won't work for the class i'm teaching. $100 worth of groceries hanging on my arms and another diet coke rolls out of my car and explodes at my feet, drenching me, my cute blue dress, and my groceries in sticky, brown coca-cola.
yes, friends, this is an average day in my life. in fact, two weeks ago, after spending a mere 36 hours with me, my mother asked, "do you live every day like this? i mean, do these things happen to you every day?" by the time i got inside and changed clothes last night, all i could do was laugh. thank goodness for my sense of humor.
this morning my mom's advice to me was this:
"honey, you need to get organized. you are a disaster. maybe that's what you should do during this lull. just try to get your life together."
dear mom: if you want to make me feel better about my life, you could buy me things. i already know i am a disaster and that i need to get my life together. k thanks.
most importantly, lindsey and jason got married last weekend! it was the most fun weekend of my life! the rehearsal was fun, and the rehearsal dinner was sweet and thoughtful. liz and i gave our speech, and i think we did a really great job. after dinner, liz, shelby, and i went to blindhorse for a concert. we were so thrilled to see the band perry, but after we sat through about ten songs of some other guy (who looked like a country eminem), we realized that we were confused and the band perry opened for john deere eminem. again - these things DO happen to me every day. we decided that since we had already paid the $15, we might as well have fun. so i spent the next four hours in the middle of the dance floor by myself having a genuinely awesome time. the bridal luncheon was beautiful the next morning, though i was feeling slightly exhausted due to the fact that i went to bed at four and got up at seven. nevertheless, it was a great morning, and lindsey made me bawl my eyes out before noon. after that, my phone decided to break (point and case), and liz and i had to fly to verizon before our hair appointments. phone fixed, hair done, pictures taken, liz and i made a quick chick-fil-a run for the wedding party, enjoyed our super fast meal, and then it was go time! the wedding was BEAUTIFUL, and everything ran smoothly. the music was incredible. and the reception...holy cow. i was out of control. we never left the dance floor, and it was AWESOME. after lindsey and jason left at around 11:30, some of the wedding party and guests headed to wild wings to hear mighty mcfly (a fabulous 90's cover band). more dancing followed. by the time i got home at two a.m. i was dead tired. the next day my family and the ingrams ate lunch at macaroni grille, and gray and jenn came all the way from clemson. truely great weekend. and i was sore after all of my stellar dance moves that i had debuted over the weekend.
in other news, broken hearts heal a lot more slowly than i remember...and than i would like. i bounce back and forth between "whatever, i don't care anymore" and "i'm gonna die." it's a moment by moment thing. i'm working on it. emotions and feelings are interesting to me. you don't realize how much of yourself you invest in something. you don't realize how much of yourself you give away to something - until it's gone. and then in the midst of confusion and hurt and fear and anger and sadness and grief and loneliness and all of these other things, you realize that god is there in the midst of calamity. you realize that he needed to break you so he could put you back together.
i'm not a fan of brokenness. truth be told, i'm not a fan of anything that's not going the way i want it to. and i know and believe that god is god and god is good. i know that. and i believe that. i cling to that. and i choose (most of the time) to see life through that lens. but sometimes life is just plain frustrating.
this story changed my heart:
http://hellorighton.com/
take the time to read through zac's blogs, and watch the videos. it will help you to see your suffering - whatever it is, however big or small - in a whole new light. it will hlep you to recognize who god really is and what he desires for your life. enjoy!
lyrics i love:
can you tell me how we got in this situation
i can’t seem to get you off my mind
all these ups and downs
they trip up our good intentions
nobody said this was easy ride
after all we’re only human
always fighting what we’re feeling
hurt instead of healing
after all we’re only human
is there any other reason
why we stay instead of leavin’
after all
can we get back to the point of this conversation
when we saw things through each others eyes
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
we all need some place we can hide inside and
after all we’re only human
always fighting what we’re feeling
hurt instead of healing
after all we’re only human
is there any other reason
why we stay instead of leavin
i’m smart enough to know
that life goes by
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind
if you feel i’m letting go
just give me time
i’ll come running to your side
can you tell me how we got in this situation
i can’t seem to get you off my mind cause
after all we’re only human
always fighting what we’re feeling
hurt instead of healing
after all we’re only human
is there any other reason
why we stay instead of leavin'
"human" by john mclaughlin
shout out to sara bareilles for her new song "king of anything."
not too much has been going on in the oh-so-fabulous life of ashley gardner, but let me just give you a little insight in to a NORMAL day in my life:
over sleep. office floods while i'm the only person at the office. miss an important meeting due to aforementioned flood. lose debit card after lunch. diet coke explodes in car. go to chick-fil-a on the way to teach a class and can't pay for food, because i realize i have lost my debit card (6 hours after the mishap occurs). power point won't work for the class i'm teaching. $100 worth of groceries hanging on my arms and another diet coke rolls out of my car and explodes at my feet, drenching me, my cute blue dress, and my groceries in sticky, brown coca-cola.
yes, friends, this is an average day in my life. in fact, two weeks ago, after spending a mere 36 hours with me, my mother asked, "do you live every day like this? i mean, do these things happen to you every day?" by the time i got inside and changed clothes last night, all i could do was laugh. thank goodness for my sense of humor.
this morning my mom's advice to me was this:
"honey, you need to get organized. you are a disaster. maybe that's what you should do during this lull. just try to get your life together."
dear mom: if you want to make me feel better about my life, you could buy me things. i already know i am a disaster and that i need to get my life together. k thanks.
most importantly, lindsey and jason got married last weekend! it was the most fun weekend of my life! the rehearsal was fun, and the rehearsal dinner was sweet and thoughtful. liz and i gave our speech, and i think we did a really great job. after dinner, liz, shelby, and i went to blindhorse for a concert. we were so thrilled to see the band perry, but after we sat through about ten songs of some other guy (who looked like a country eminem), we realized that we were confused and the band perry opened for john deere eminem. again - these things DO happen to me every day. we decided that since we had already paid the $15, we might as well have fun. so i spent the next four hours in the middle of the dance floor by myself having a genuinely awesome time. the bridal luncheon was beautiful the next morning, though i was feeling slightly exhausted due to the fact that i went to bed at four and got up at seven. nevertheless, it was a great morning, and lindsey made me bawl my eyes out before noon. after that, my phone decided to break (point and case), and liz and i had to fly to verizon before our hair appointments. phone fixed, hair done, pictures taken, liz and i made a quick chick-fil-a run for the wedding party, enjoyed our super fast meal, and then it was go time! the wedding was BEAUTIFUL, and everything ran smoothly. the music was incredible. and the reception...holy cow. i was out of control. we never left the dance floor, and it was AWESOME. after lindsey and jason left at around 11:30, some of the wedding party and guests headed to wild wings to hear mighty mcfly (a fabulous 90's cover band). more dancing followed. by the time i got home at two a.m. i was dead tired. the next day my family and the ingrams ate lunch at macaroni grille, and gray and jenn came all the way from clemson. truely great weekend. and i was sore after all of my stellar dance moves that i had debuted over the weekend.
in other news, broken hearts heal a lot more slowly than i remember...and than i would like. i bounce back and forth between "whatever, i don't care anymore" and "i'm gonna die." it's a moment by moment thing. i'm working on it. emotions and feelings are interesting to me. you don't realize how much of yourself you invest in something. you don't realize how much of yourself you give away to something - until it's gone. and then in the midst of confusion and hurt and fear and anger and sadness and grief and loneliness and all of these other things, you realize that god is there in the midst of calamity. you realize that he needed to break you so he could put you back together.
i'm not a fan of brokenness. truth be told, i'm not a fan of anything that's not going the way i want it to. and i know and believe that god is god and god is good. i know that. and i believe that. i cling to that. and i choose (most of the time) to see life through that lens. but sometimes life is just plain frustrating.
this story changed my heart:
http://hellorighton.com/
take the time to read through zac's blogs, and watch the videos. it will help you to see your suffering - whatever it is, however big or small - in a whole new light. it will hlep you to recognize who god really is and what he desires for your life. enjoy!
lyrics i love:
can you tell me how we got in this situation
i can’t seem to get you off my mind
all these ups and downs
they trip up our good intentions
nobody said this was easy ride
after all we’re only human
always fighting what we’re feeling
hurt instead of healing
after all we’re only human
is there any other reason
why we stay instead of leavin’
after all
can we get back to the point of this conversation
when we saw things through each others eyes
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
we all need some place we can hide inside and
after all we’re only human
always fighting what we’re feeling
hurt instead of healing
after all we’re only human
is there any other reason
why we stay instead of leavin
i’m smart enough to know
that life goes by
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind
if you feel i’m letting go
just give me time
i’ll come running to your side
can you tell me how we got in this situation
i can’t seem to get you off my mind cause
after all we’re only human
always fighting what we’re feeling
hurt instead of healing
after all we’re only human
is there any other reason
why we stay instead of leavin'
"human" by john mclaughlin
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
encouraging words
i'm holding on to the truth in this song:
love of my life
look deep in my eyes
there you will find what you need
give me your life
the lust and the lies
the past you're afraid i might see
you've been running away from me
you're my beloved
lover, i'm yours
death shall not part us
it's you i died for
for better or worse
forever we'll be
our love it unites us
and it binds you to me
it's a mystery
love of my life
look deep in my eyes
there you will find what you need
i'm the giver of life
i'll clothe you in white
my immaculate bride you will be
come running home to me
well, you've been a mistress, my wife
chasing lovers that won't satisfy
won't you let me make you my bride
you will drink of my lips
and taste new life
you're my beloved
lover, i'm yours
death shall not part us
it's you i died for
for better or worse
forever we'll be
our love it unites us
and binds you to me
it's a mystery
"beloved" by tenth avenue north
i want to really press into jesus - to know what it means to be his beloved, to experience him as the great love of my life, to have him satisy every need and desire.
love of my life
look deep in my eyes
there you will find what you need
give me your life
the lust and the lies
the past you're afraid i might see
you've been running away from me
you're my beloved
lover, i'm yours
death shall not part us
it's you i died for
for better or worse
forever we'll be
our love it unites us
and it binds you to me
it's a mystery
love of my life
look deep in my eyes
there you will find what you need
i'm the giver of life
i'll clothe you in white
my immaculate bride you will be
come running home to me
well, you've been a mistress, my wife
chasing lovers that won't satisfy
won't you let me make you my bride
you will drink of my lips
and taste new life
you're my beloved
lover, i'm yours
death shall not part us
it's you i died for
for better or worse
forever we'll be
our love it unites us
and binds you to me
it's a mystery
"beloved" by tenth avenue north
i want to really press into jesus - to know what it means to be his beloved, to experience him as the great love of my life, to have him satisy every need and desire.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
in your wounds we hide
yesterday when i got home from work, i was going to go for a run, but was overwhelmed by the need to just be with jesus. i just wanted to sit at his feet and listen and talk and be. i know that might sound ridiculous, especially if 1. you aren't a christian, 2. you don't spend time with jesus, 3. you just think that sounds silly. either way, that's what i wanted. so that's what i did. i curled up on my couch with my bible, my journal, and my ipod and spent a good 3 hours with jesus. there are so many things i could share with you about those 3 hours, but i think what i was most challenged/encouraged/moved by is this simple truth:
the cross is necessary.
pretty basic, right? i mean, duh. i have known jesus for a long time, and i have studied his word (not as much as i should) a good bit, and i've been taught and discipled by some pretty incredible people, but all of a sudden, at 9:30 at night, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, i was put completely on my face by that fact. the cross - the death - the pain - the blood: it is all necessary. i don't know if i can really articulate all of the thoughts i'm having on this subject, but i'm going to try.
the cross is necessary for the remission of sins. and not just any cross or any death or any blood: jesus'. all throughout the old testament and in hebrews we're told that blood is necessary for the remission of sins. there has to be payment for sin. and when you think about it, that just makes sense, not only from a biblical view, but just in general: you do something bad, and you're punished and have to make it right. when i really stop and think about what sin actually does, it blows my mind. sin seperates us from god. it makes us evil and wretched and enemies and offends the one, true, holy god. without the blood of christ, this is all i would ever be. BUT because of christ's cross and his blood, there is forgiveness. he paid the ransom for my soul. he redeemed my lost heart. he washed away my sins. he made me righteous. he made me able to talk to god and hear from god and experience god and know god. one drop of his precious, royal, sinless blood, and he reconciled my heart to god's.
the cross is necessary for the every day grace that i live under. i'm free from the law and the shackles of sin, ONLY because of the blood of christ. because of sin, the wrath of god had to be poured out on someone. he poured it out on jesus - not on me. isaiah 53 says that "it pleased the father to crush him." it pleased him, because he is just and because his wrath was satisfied in the death of christ - in the spilling of his innocent blood - in the payment made in full. the moment by moment grace that i depend on to forgive others, to forgive myself, to make the right choice, to speak a kind word, to deal with the junk the life gives me, to believe in jesus, to study his word, to have faith, to trust him - that is only made possible through the cross.
the cross was necessary for life. only by the cross was jesus able to be resurrected to new life. there is the promise of sunday only because of friday. death had to preceed the resurrection. pain has to preceed the healing. sorrow has to preceed the joy. in one bent and twisted tree stands death and life, brokenness and healing, wrath and love, violence and peace, outcast and adopted, ugliness and beauty, unclean and righteous. jesus is in all of these things as i experience them in life, because he experienced them on the cross.
the cross was an ugly, violent and painful tool used to bring beauty, peace and healing. only our great god could create that brilliant plan. i love isaiah 53, because this is exactly what it teaches: through his pain, i am healed; through violence, i have peace; the weight of sin on his shoulders means that i am free of guilt and shame; he was cut off, so that i could be brought in; his death means my life; he became sin, so that i could be without sin. AH! the truth of the gospel is so astounding and so incredible.
i don't understand it all. i don't pretend to have grasped all of this and have it tucked away in my heart, but there are moments where i get a glimpse of jesus, and my breath is completely taken away. i hope that the weight of the cross and the spilled blood and the resurrection and the redemption breaks me every day. i hope that i am always mindful of the necessity of the cross in my life - all aspects of the cross. i hope that i never forget the power of the cross and the blood in my life for breaking, resurrecting, and healing. i hope that i am always moved to surrender because my heart is so thankful that jesus took god's wrath, and i don't have to. and i hope that i always remember that because of what jesus did on the cross, i am free to experience all of god's love and blessings, because he doesn't hold back.
the cross is necessary.
pretty basic, right? i mean, duh. i have known jesus for a long time, and i have studied his word (not as much as i should) a good bit, and i've been taught and discipled by some pretty incredible people, but all of a sudden, at 9:30 at night, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, i was put completely on my face by that fact. the cross - the death - the pain - the blood: it is all necessary. i don't know if i can really articulate all of the thoughts i'm having on this subject, but i'm going to try.
the cross is necessary for the remission of sins. and not just any cross or any death or any blood: jesus'. all throughout the old testament and in hebrews we're told that blood is necessary for the remission of sins. there has to be payment for sin. and when you think about it, that just makes sense, not only from a biblical view, but just in general: you do something bad, and you're punished and have to make it right. when i really stop and think about what sin actually does, it blows my mind. sin seperates us from god. it makes us evil and wretched and enemies and offends the one, true, holy god. without the blood of christ, this is all i would ever be. BUT because of christ's cross and his blood, there is forgiveness. he paid the ransom for my soul. he redeemed my lost heart. he washed away my sins. he made me righteous. he made me able to talk to god and hear from god and experience god and know god. one drop of his precious, royal, sinless blood, and he reconciled my heart to god's.
the cross is necessary for the every day grace that i live under. i'm free from the law and the shackles of sin, ONLY because of the blood of christ. because of sin, the wrath of god had to be poured out on someone. he poured it out on jesus - not on me. isaiah 53 says that "it pleased the father to crush him." it pleased him, because he is just and because his wrath was satisfied in the death of christ - in the spilling of his innocent blood - in the payment made in full. the moment by moment grace that i depend on to forgive others, to forgive myself, to make the right choice, to speak a kind word, to deal with the junk the life gives me, to believe in jesus, to study his word, to have faith, to trust him - that is only made possible through the cross.
the cross was necessary for life. only by the cross was jesus able to be resurrected to new life. there is the promise of sunday only because of friday. death had to preceed the resurrection. pain has to preceed the healing. sorrow has to preceed the joy. in one bent and twisted tree stands death and life, brokenness and healing, wrath and love, violence and peace, outcast and adopted, ugliness and beauty, unclean and righteous. jesus is in all of these things as i experience them in life, because he experienced them on the cross.
the cross was an ugly, violent and painful tool used to bring beauty, peace and healing. only our great god could create that brilliant plan. i love isaiah 53, because this is exactly what it teaches: through his pain, i am healed; through violence, i have peace; the weight of sin on his shoulders means that i am free of guilt and shame; he was cut off, so that i could be brought in; his death means my life; he became sin, so that i could be without sin. AH! the truth of the gospel is so astounding and so incredible.
i don't understand it all. i don't pretend to have grasped all of this and have it tucked away in my heart, but there are moments where i get a glimpse of jesus, and my breath is completely taken away. i hope that the weight of the cross and the spilled blood and the resurrection and the redemption breaks me every day. i hope that i am always mindful of the necessity of the cross in my life - all aspects of the cross. i hope that i never forget the power of the cross and the blood in my life for breaking, resurrecting, and healing. i hope that i am always moved to surrender because my heart is so thankful that jesus took god's wrath, and i don't have to. and i hope that i always remember that because of what jesus did on the cross, i am free to experience all of god's love and blessings, because he doesn't hold back.
Monday, May 10, 2010
some day
and some day maybe we'll figure all this out
try and put an end to all our doubt
and try to find a way to make things better now
and some day maybe we'll live our lives out loud
we'll be better off somehow
some day
(rob thomas)
remember the light at the end of my tunnel? yeah. it was a mirage.
i spent a glorious four days at edisto with my best friend, and while that seemed to provide some refreshing and renewing, i arrived back in greenville to find that my same old crap was waiting for me. so much for leaving my problems at the shore.
i told my mom this morning that i think i'm going crazy. she assurred me that i'm not going crazy; i'm going through a season. a season that she, too, had been through - along with everybody else - and a season that i may walk through again.
i feel like my life is on a treadmill. i'm running and running and not getting anywhere. had someone special in my life, messed that up, and now i'm back at square one. bought a house, moved out on my own, and now i'm lonely and looking for a roommate. got a great job, have been here two years, and feel i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i'm itching for a change of scenery or pace or faces or SOMETHING. jesus isn't missing - so before you go diagnosing my problem, don't. i'm searching jesus' heart like crazy. i have this weird desire to just move and start over. but then i think about why? why do i want to do that? it's because things aren't going the way i wanted them to. it's because i need to forget about someone i can't forget about. it's because i need to move on. it's because i'm bored. it's because i want more. all that's well and good, but everytime i get to this point in life (and i'm sure it will come again), i can't up and move. i can't start my life over. and really, when i think about it, starting over is only appealing in some aspects. making new friends, finding a new job, finding a new church - not easily done. i don't think i could do that again.
i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to be. i have these huge dreams and no idea how to make them happen. i have a list of things i want to do and see and experience, but no money or means by which to make them happen. so many people's lives are moving forward at what i (once) considered a "normal" pace: college, engagement, house, marriage, LIFE. i, however, do not fit that mold. and that's fine. it's not that i want to be like everybody else. it's just that i thought life would be different. i pictured "sex and the city" (minus the sex), and i ended up with "single in the suburbs." don't get me wrong: i love my life. i am happy. i am blessed beyond what i deserve. i just feel frustrated. i was so excited about a new opportunity that had opened up, only to have it slammed in my face this afternoon - after telling my mom new details about it five minutes before. i cannot for the life of me seem to let go of a relationship that i desperately need to let go of.
i don't know what season this is. i think it's that awkward transition between summer and fall. you don't know what to expect, can't plan what you're going to wear, brace for the unexpected, not too sure what to call it kind of deal. whatever it is: i pass. the only good thing is that it's only a season. here's what i know about seasons: they come and go. they always come again. they can have unexpected surprises. everybody in the world experiences them, just at different times. they all hold some sort of beauty. they are all necessary.
clinging to the truth that "whatever he gives is necessary. nothing he withholds is necessary."
try and put an end to all our doubt
and try to find a way to make things better now
and some day maybe we'll live our lives out loud
we'll be better off somehow
some day
(rob thomas)
remember the light at the end of my tunnel? yeah. it was a mirage.
i spent a glorious four days at edisto with my best friend, and while that seemed to provide some refreshing and renewing, i arrived back in greenville to find that my same old crap was waiting for me. so much for leaving my problems at the shore.
i told my mom this morning that i think i'm going crazy. she assurred me that i'm not going crazy; i'm going through a season. a season that she, too, had been through - along with everybody else - and a season that i may walk through again.
i feel like my life is on a treadmill. i'm running and running and not getting anywhere. had someone special in my life, messed that up, and now i'm back at square one. bought a house, moved out on my own, and now i'm lonely and looking for a roommate. got a great job, have been here two years, and feel i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i'm itching for a change of scenery or pace or faces or SOMETHING. jesus isn't missing - so before you go diagnosing my problem, don't. i'm searching jesus' heart like crazy. i have this weird desire to just move and start over. but then i think about why? why do i want to do that? it's because things aren't going the way i wanted them to. it's because i need to forget about someone i can't forget about. it's because i need to move on. it's because i'm bored. it's because i want more. all that's well and good, but everytime i get to this point in life (and i'm sure it will come again), i can't up and move. i can't start my life over. and really, when i think about it, starting over is only appealing in some aspects. making new friends, finding a new job, finding a new church - not easily done. i don't think i could do that again.
i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to be. i have these huge dreams and no idea how to make them happen. i have a list of things i want to do and see and experience, but no money or means by which to make them happen. so many people's lives are moving forward at what i (once) considered a "normal" pace: college, engagement, house, marriage, LIFE. i, however, do not fit that mold. and that's fine. it's not that i want to be like everybody else. it's just that i thought life would be different. i pictured "sex and the city" (minus the sex), and i ended up with "single in the suburbs." don't get me wrong: i love my life. i am happy. i am blessed beyond what i deserve. i just feel frustrated. i was so excited about a new opportunity that had opened up, only to have it slammed in my face this afternoon - after telling my mom new details about it five minutes before. i cannot for the life of me seem to let go of a relationship that i desperately need to let go of.
i don't know what season this is. i think it's that awkward transition between summer and fall. you don't know what to expect, can't plan what you're going to wear, brace for the unexpected, not too sure what to call it kind of deal. whatever it is: i pass. the only good thing is that it's only a season. here's what i know about seasons: they come and go. they always come again. they can have unexpected surprises. everybody in the world experiences them, just at different times. they all hold some sort of beauty. they are all necessary.
clinging to the truth that "whatever he gives is necessary. nothing he withholds is necessary."
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
the sky's made it's way back to blue
finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. i've been working really hard to get over this last heartbreak. yes. i said working. it has been work. it has been exhausting and painful and not fun. but it's beginning to be worth it. what's funny is that a lot of times i think we just say "okay jesus, fix it," without realizing that some times there are things we need to do in order to help fix the problem. for me, i had to take responsibility for my thoughts and emotions. i had to remember that i'm not supposed to allow myself to be trapped by my thoughts - i can't let my mind wonder. when i do, it's fatal. i have to constantly ask jesus to "take every thought captive" (2 corinthians 10:5). if i sit around and wallow in my thoughts, then i have to blame myself: jesus offers a way out, but i have to take it. i've also had to get a hold of my emotions. that directly follows getting my thoughts under control. it i'm sitting around thinking about what i miss, then naturally i get a little sad. i've also realized that it's okay to hurt and feel sad, but it's the attitude that reflects those things which is ugliest. i don't want to have a bad attitude. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to be angry.
another thing i've noticed is that it is SO important to be careful who i surround myself with. so important. i don't really have anything else to say about that, but i'm excited about some new friendships that are forming. encouraging friendships with ladies (and guys) who point me to jesus.
i read a quote this morning that i loved: "don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." while i really don't know why i can't get this person out of my head (or heart), i can't dwell on it - but i don't have to close myself to possibilities in the future. i think keeping an open heart and an open mind to WHATEVER god wants to do in my life is a beautiful but challenging thing. i can be excited and hopeful about whatever it is he wants to do, but i also have to remember that what he does might not be what i want. there's a fine line there, and i haven't quite figured out how to walk it. but i'm learning.
studied acts 4 yesterday. i think i'll try to keep y'all up-to-date with what i'm learning through my journey through acts. i'll break it down for you so you can keep up with where i'm at.
acts 4:
who - peter and john; priests; disciples and other followers
what - peter and john had healed the lame man in acts 3; they were arrested for preaching about jesus; when asked about how they had done it, peter and john carefully explained that it was only through jesus; the priests and rulers could find no fault, because they saw for themselves that the man was healed; they threated peter and john, and told them not to talk about jesus anymore; peter replied that they couldn't do anything else but talk about what they had seen and heard; the believers gathered together to pray, and the holy spirit fell on all of them - their numbers grew by thousands
when - after jesus had returned to heaven; after peter and john healed the lame man
where - jerusalem
why - the most practical thing i took away from this passage was that no matter what the circumstances or where they were or who was questioning them, any time peter and john opened their mouths they shared the gospel. the message never changed. they always only preached christ crucified and resurrected and gave a call to repentance. the message never changed. how often does the message of my life change? based on what i'm going through or where i'm at or what's happened or how out of touch with jesus i've been. i'm ashamed to say pretty often. in fact, i'm embarassed to think of what the message of my life has been the past 3 weeks. definitely not christ and his death and his resurrection and his victory and joy and peace and plan and love.
something else i noticed was that luke clearly says in this chapter that peter and john are uneducated, uneloquent men. they were dumb, dirty fishermen, in fact. but that didn't change their passion for the message of the cross. and it certainly didn't change the message's affect on the hearts that heard it. it's not the vessel, it's the message. it's not me, it's jesus. i need to repeat that often.
the last thing i want to share with you is that when all the believers gathered to pray and worship and fellowship together, after peter and john were released, the first thing they said was "lord, you are god." that's how they started. i had made a note in my bible when i studied this passage previously that said "they acknowledged that god is sovereign." i want my heart's cry every minute of every day to be "lord, you are god." not me. not my way - your way. not my will - your will. not my plans - your plans. not my desires - your desires. lord, YOU are god. that keeps me humble, and it keeps me at jesus' feet - where i need to stay. that phrase reminds me of something i saw on my brother's girlfriend's facebook profile:
"i want god's will, not mine. his blueprints, not my elementary scribbling. god's assignment, not my foolish plan."
lord, you are god. not me.
another thing i've noticed is that it is SO important to be careful who i surround myself with. so important. i don't really have anything else to say about that, but i'm excited about some new friendships that are forming. encouraging friendships with ladies (and guys) who point me to jesus.
i read a quote this morning that i loved: "don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." while i really don't know why i can't get this person out of my head (or heart), i can't dwell on it - but i don't have to close myself to possibilities in the future. i think keeping an open heart and an open mind to WHATEVER god wants to do in my life is a beautiful but challenging thing. i can be excited and hopeful about whatever it is he wants to do, but i also have to remember that what he does might not be what i want. there's a fine line there, and i haven't quite figured out how to walk it. but i'm learning.
studied acts 4 yesterday. i think i'll try to keep y'all up-to-date with what i'm learning through my journey through acts. i'll break it down for you so you can keep up with where i'm at.
acts 4:
who - peter and john; priests; disciples and other followers
what - peter and john had healed the lame man in acts 3; they were arrested for preaching about jesus; when asked about how they had done it, peter and john carefully explained that it was only through jesus; the priests and rulers could find no fault, because they saw for themselves that the man was healed; they threated peter and john, and told them not to talk about jesus anymore; peter replied that they couldn't do anything else but talk about what they had seen and heard; the believers gathered together to pray, and the holy spirit fell on all of them - their numbers grew by thousands
when - after jesus had returned to heaven; after peter and john healed the lame man
where - jerusalem
why - the most practical thing i took away from this passage was that no matter what the circumstances or where they were or who was questioning them, any time peter and john opened their mouths they shared the gospel. the message never changed. they always only preached christ crucified and resurrected and gave a call to repentance. the message never changed. how often does the message of my life change? based on what i'm going through or where i'm at or what's happened or how out of touch with jesus i've been. i'm ashamed to say pretty often. in fact, i'm embarassed to think of what the message of my life has been the past 3 weeks. definitely not christ and his death and his resurrection and his victory and joy and peace and plan and love.
something else i noticed was that luke clearly says in this chapter that peter and john are uneducated, uneloquent men. they were dumb, dirty fishermen, in fact. but that didn't change their passion for the message of the cross. and it certainly didn't change the message's affect on the hearts that heard it. it's not the vessel, it's the message. it's not me, it's jesus. i need to repeat that often.
the last thing i want to share with you is that when all the believers gathered to pray and worship and fellowship together, after peter and john were released, the first thing they said was "lord, you are god." that's how they started. i had made a note in my bible when i studied this passage previously that said "they acknowledged that god is sovereign." i want my heart's cry every minute of every day to be "lord, you are god." not me. not my way - your way. not my will - your will. not my plans - your plans. not my desires - your desires. lord, YOU are god. that keeps me humble, and it keeps me at jesus' feet - where i need to stay. that phrase reminds me of something i saw on my brother's girlfriend's facebook profile:
"i want god's will, not mine. his blueprints, not my elementary scribbling. god's assignment, not my foolish plan."
lord, you are god. not me.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
i am a crippled beggar
there seems to be no end in sight when you're walking through heartache. if i wasn't hurting before, i certainly am now. after a much needed conversation friday night, the person i care so deeply for and i are going our seperate ways, knowing how much the other cares, but believing that this is the best decision for us both. part of me wanted to fight him and argue about it, because this is not what i want - this is not the outcome i intended when i started this mess nearly three weeks ago. but because i do care about him (dare i go any further than that?), i want him to be happy; and if being happy is walking away from me, then so be it. it's weird to have someone walk into your life that you were totally blindsided by and have them change so much about your life and your heart in a relatively short amount of time. so, i will accept this change with grace, some tears, a lot of frustration with myself, and trusting that everything happens for a reason. jesus doesn't withhold good things.
i made it my goal to read a chapter of acts each day of may. acts is so encouraging and exciting, and i haven't read it through in several years. there are 28 chapters, and 31 days in may, so i figured even if i miss a few days, i'll still be able to finish by the end of the month. i was reading in acts 3 yesterday and found myself completely overwhelmed by what i was reading.
"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” And he took him by the right hand and lifted him up, and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. So he, leaping up, stood and walked and entered the temple with them—walking, leaping, and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God. Then they knew that it was he who sat begging alms at the Beautiful Gate of the temple; and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him." (acts 3:1-10)
this is why i was encouraged:
1. this man had been crippled since birth. all he had known was the ugly deformation of his legs. he sat outside the gate, called "beautiful," everyday, longing to walk through to the temple.
i am that same crippled man. though my legs and feet work just fine, my heart is crippled by heartbreak, sinful desires, wrong choices, disappointments, feeling inadequate, etc. because i live in a fallen world, my heart is twisted and deformed by sin. i see beauty and long for it, but it seems impossible that i would ever attain it.
2. the crippled man begged for crumbs - leftovers - whatever he could get - from anybody who would spare him a few seconds of attention. he might have hoped for more once, but learned to accept whatever was given to him.
i often accept crumbs. i see my situation as dire, and instead of taking all that jesus has to offer me - taking all of jesus himself - i settle for whatever i can get. i take crumbs in the form of what a man is willing to give me in a relationship, fulfillment i find in my job, big dreams that i've now diminished with my "practical" and "rational" thinking. i settle for less, because i don't always trust that my god is a big god with big plans for my little life. i assume heartache and failure, because it's what i've found to be true - and i don't seek jesus for anything beyond that.
3. the man gave peter and john his full attention, and when he did, he didn't get crumbs - he received complete healing: emotional and spiritual and physical.
i fly through prayers and quiet times and church services, expecting little from jesus and as a result, having my heart rarely changed and moved. the crippled man didn't expect anything more than the usual from peter and john. but when he looked at them and gave them his undivided attention, he gazed upon jesus - not two, dirty, poor fisherman. in that moment when he focused on jesus, he received healing. his shame and lonliness were transformed into unspeakable joy and feeling accepted. his deformed legs and feet were made straight and strong. his waivering faith was made firm, because for just one moment he trusted that something amazing could happen - and it did.
4. because of jesus, what had been ugly, deformed, broken, outcast, lonely and hurting, was made new and right, accepted, and healed. what once had to sit outside of the gate called "beautiful," longing to pass through, now leapt for joy inside the gate.
5. godly friends carry you to jesus. the crippled man's friends did the best they knew to do for him: every day they placed him in front of the gate to receive alms. but until peter and john came along, stopped what they were doing, and pointed the man to jesus, nothing ever changed.
i need my friends to point me to jesus when i'm hurting, when i'm sinning, when i'm happy, when i'm scared, when i'm lonely, when my cup runneth over with joy. i need them to always only point me to jesus.
this is my prayer: that i would know that kind of healing (really, that all my soul sisters would know that kind of healing, because who doesn't have some hurts and brokenness that could use fixing?). that i would look to jesus often and for more than a fleeting moment, and expect him to move and heal and fill up and change. that i would stop settling for less than what jesus wants to give me - the fullness of who he is. that i would never stop celebrating the times in the past that i have seen jesus heal and redeem and repair and make new. that i would be faithful to point each of my friends to jesus, no matter where they are or what their hang-up is. that i would stop sitting outside of the gate, but that i would let jesus carry me through every day.
i made it my goal to read a chapter of acts each day of may. acts is so encouraging and exciting, and i haven't read it through in several years. there are 28 chapters, and 31 days in may, so i figured even if i miss a few days, i'll still be able to finish by the end of the month. i was reading in acts 3 yesterday and found myself completely overwhelmed by what i was reading.
"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” And he took him by the right hand and lifted him up, and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. So he, leaping up, stood and walked and entered the temple with them—walking, leaping, and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God. Then they knew that it was he who sat begging alms at the Beautiful Gate of the temple; and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him." (acts 3:1-10)
this is why i was encouraged:
1. this man had been crippled since birth. all he had known was the ugly deformation of his legs. he sat outside the gate, called "beautiful," everyday, longing to walk through to the temple.
i am that same crippled man. though my legs and feet work just fine, my heart is crippled by heartbreak, sinful desires, wrong choices, disappointments, feeling inadequate, etc. because i live in a fallen world, my heart is twisted and deformed by sin. i see beauty and long for it, but it seems impossible that i would ever attain it.
2. the crippled man begged for crumbs - leftovers - whatever he could get - from anybody who would spare him a few seconds of attention. he might have hoped for more once, but learned to accept whatever was given to him.
i often accept crumbs. i see my situation as dire, and instead of taking all that jesus has to offer me - taking all of jesus himself - i settle for whatever i can get. i take crumbs in the form of what a man is willing to give me in a relationship, fulfillment i find in my job, big dreams that i've now diminished with my "practical" and "rational" thinking. i settle for less, because i don't always trust that my god is a big god with big plans for my little life. i assume heartache and failure, because it's what i've found to be true - and i don't seek jesus for anything beyond that.
3. the man gave peter and john his full attention, and when he did, he didn't get crumbs - he received complete healing: emotional and spiritual and physical.
i fly through prayers and quiet times and church services, expecting little from jesus and as a result, having my heart rarely changed and moved. the crippled man didn't expect anything more than the usual from peter and john. but when he looked at them and gave them his undivided attention, he gazed upon jesus - not two, dirty, poor fisherman. in that moment when he focused on jesus, he received healing. his shame and lonliness were transformed into unspeakable joy and feeling accepted. his deformed legs and feet were made straight and strong. his waivering faith was made firm, because for just one moment he trusted that something amazing could happen - and it did.
4. because of jesus, what had been ugly, deformed, broken, outcast, lonely and hurting, was made new and right, accepted, and healed. what once had to sit outside of the gate called "beautiful," longing to pass through, now leapt for joy inside the gate.
5. godly friends carry you to jesus. the crippled man's friends did the best they knew to do for him: every day they placed him in front of the gate to receive alms. but until peter and john came along, stopped what they were doing, and pointed the man to jesus, nothing ever changed.
i need my friends to point me to jesus when i'm hurting, when i'm sinning, when i'm happy, when i'm scared, when i'm lonely, when my cup runneth over with joy. i need them to always only point me to jesus.
this is my prayer: that i would know that kind of healing (really, that all my soul sisters would know that kind of healing, because who doesn't have some hurts and brokenness that could use fixing?). that i would look to jesus often and for more than a fleeting moment, and expect him to move and heal and fill up and change. that i would stop settling for less than what jesus wants to give me - the fullness of who he is. that i would never stop celebrating the times in the past that i have seen jesus heal and redeem and repair and make new. that i would be faithful to point each of my friends to jesus, no matter where they are or what their hang-up is. that i would stop sitting outside of the gate, but that i would let jesus carry me through every day.
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