yo tengo dormir

this past week has been one of the busiest and most exhausting of my life. let's go back to LAST weekend - the 14th, 15th, and 16th. i had to go to camden friday after work to do hair/make-up for a wedding on saturday morning. i hadn't really gotten to spend any time with my brother, so he and i stayed up til about 2:30 am watching movies and just hanging out. i had to be at the bride's house at 6:30 am, so i was up at 6. that's 3 1/2 hours of sleep. i did hair and make-up, came home and ate breakfast, got ready, went to the wedding and reception, got in my car and came straight back to greenville where i got re-ready and went out. liz and i ended up staying at john's until about 3 am. got up at 9 the next morning to head to clemson to help gray move into his new house. got home at 4, went to the gym and worked out hardcore, met liz at the grocery store, then had john, joe, and aaron over for a huge dinner. john, joe, and liz and i ended up staying up til about 1 eating ice cream and watching talking. then began my week of moving. good grief. i worked every night (with jaime and liz) til about midnight (or later) packing and moving huge, heavy, cumbersome boxes to lindsey's house. all this on top of waking up at 6:30 am, working all day, and working out in the evenings. friday night we ended up going out with john and stayed out til about 2, then i was up until 3:30 taking care of a situation. i got up at 9 on saturday morning to workout and take care of a few last minute things before my mom and the movers came. we moved all day, and i was unpacking, organizing, unloading all day. at 8 liz and i got ready and went to dinner and ended up staying up til about 2 watching a movie. we got up at 9 and went to church, and after church i went to the grocery store, took 2 more loads (the last loads - finally) from my apartment to the new house, and went to bed, bath and beyond. i finished unpacking everything but my bathroom (since i don't technically have one), put together a shoe rack, and did a little rearranging/decorating. i was up until 3 am, because i couldn't sleep and because i was talking. i got up at 8:30, ate some cereal, then started getting ready for work, which was quite the ordeal considering my bathroom situation.

to say that i am worn out is the understatement of the century. my body is covered in bruises from moving furniture and boxes and tripping over crap i have laying around everywhere. my muscles are sore from working out on top of lifting and carrying and moving. i am completely wiped out. but there's no rest for the weary. i have something every night this week and another very busy weekend. i can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet - but i'm trying to depend on grace to just get me through each moment. i am VERY ready for september 7th - labor day, and a VACATION day! oh man. i can't wait to sleep. i bet i sleep all day long, and that's just fine. i'm going to let myself sleep all day and do absolutely nothing. i've earned it.

you live - you learn

maybe the happy ending is knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls, the broken hearts, the misread signals, all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

-he's just not that into you

i think there comes a point in every woman's life when you finally realize what you deserve. for me, that point came thursday afternoon while sitting at brick street with my two best friends. after months of agonizing over the same guy, analyzing the same words and signals, and anxiously wondering what it all could mean, lindsey said this to me: "ashley, don't take this the wrong way, but he's not really chasing you." bam. she was right. i fought back a little emotion since we were in public and all, but as i let the weight of her words settle in, i realized that she was so right. the simple truth of the matter is that he's just not that into me.

after another conversation with liz and my mom yesterday while moving gray into his new house in clemson, i realized that if it's not worth it, then it's just not worth it. end of story. if i'm not getting back what i'm giving, then it's not worth it. if he's not making an effort, it's not worth it. if he can't follow through with what he's said, it's not worth it. after 23 years of waiting, why waste my wait trying to make an undeserving man do something he's just not going to do? why not keep waiting - and living the heck out of the wait - on the guy who's going to make everything so easy for me that i won't have to wonder or worry or ask questions?

i have realized lately that i have a lot to learn about life and about love. so much of me is so bitter towards the entire male population, that i have basically written off the possibility of there being any good guys left in the world. that's unfair. how can i be open to love and relationships if i'm cynical and angry and expecting every guy to treat me unfairly and hurt me? that in and of itself is unfair of ME. i will never meet anybody if that's my attitude - and that's nobody's fault but my own. i have no idea who or what or when god has in store for me, but if i spend my time doubting and being mad and hating all men and focusing on all the negative then i will definitely miss it.

it's interesting when you realize that you are the problem after all. dang it.