you live - you learn

maybe the happy ending is knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls, the broken hearts, the misread signals, all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

-he's just not that into you

i think there comes a point in every woman's life when you finally realize what you deserve. for me, that point came thursday afternoon while sitting at brick street with my two best friends. after months of agonizing over the same guy, analyzing the same words and signals, and anxiously wondering what it all could mean, lindsey said this to me: "ashley, don't take this the wrong way, but he's not really chasing you." bam. she was right. i fought back a little emotion since we were in public and all, but as i let the weight of her words settle in, i realized that she was so right. the simple truth of the matter is that he's just not that into me.

after another conversation with liz and my mom yesterday while moving gray into his new house in clemson, i realized that if it's not worth it, then it's just not worth it. end of story. if i'm not getting back what i'm giving, then it's not worth it. if he's not making an effort, it's not worth it. if he can't follow through with what he's said, it's not worth it. after 23 years of waiting, why waste my wait trying to make an undeserving man do something he's just not going to do? why not keep waiting - and living the heck out of the wait - on the guy who's going to make everything so easy for me that i won't have to wonder or worry or ask questions?

i have realized lately that i have a lot to learn about life and about love. so much of me is so bitter towards the entire male population, that i have basically written off the possibility of there being any good guys left in the world. that's unfair. how can i be open to love and relationships if i'm cynical and angry and expecting every guy to treat me unfairly and hurt me? that in and of itself is unfair of ME. i will never meet anybody if that's my attitude - and that's nobody's fault but my own. i have no idea who or what or when god has in store for me, but if i spend my time doubting and being mad and hating all men and focusing on all the negative then i will definitely miss it.

it's interesting when you realize that you are the problem after all. dang it.