2015 could very easily be the year we bring home our baby. i get butterflies just thinking about it! for weeks i've been waiting for january 1st, because it would mean "the first of the year," which is when we were told the ball would start rolling again. finally it's the first of the year! we expect our reference forms to go out next week, and we're just waiting for home study dates. i am so beyond ready to get to the point that we're approved and waiting. this waiting for the wait is for.the.birds. i feel like we're just treading water and getting nowhere. every day seems to take eternity. i don't want to wish my life away (really, i don't), but it's so hard not to when there is a baby at the end of this journey. the journey. boy, would i like to know how long this journey is going to take. when i get in the car to go somewhere, i know about how long it will take me to get there - even if it's a longer trip. with adoption, we have no idea. none. this journey could be 3 weeks or 3 years. the unknown is so scary.
yesterday was really the first day of this adoption process that i felt anxious. i think for the first couple of months the excitement and joy and hope that our decision to adopt gave us really carried me. right now i just feel the weight of the wait. i've started thinking a lot about the risks and unknowns involved in adoption. the two things that have been giving me insomnia lately are 1. how long will it take? and 2. what if our birth mother changes her mind? i am terrified that we are going to be waiting for our baby for years. please do not use this opportunity to give me standard advice that it will happen at the right time, don't rush it, etc. I KNOW. i love you for wanting to be helpful, but just do what martina says and love me through it. then the other piece of my fear, what if a birth mother chooses us, we prepare for this baby for several months, we go to the hospital car-seat in hand, and she decides to parent? our case worker said that we would feel as though our baby was stillborn. i just cannot even imagine.
adoption is a roller coaster. we are thrilled and excited and hopeful. but there is a flip side, and i am scared, it is hard, and the waiting makes me sad. every single day there is a legit battle raging between my head and my heart; my heart is excited and overwhelmed with joy, and planning the nursery, and then my head steps in and tells my heart to cool it and be realistic and sober-minded. i think it's also important to point out that just because we're adopting doesn't mean that the ache for having biological children has diminished. that's simply not the case. your pregnancy announcements, baby showers, gender reveal parties absolutely break my heart (please do not be dramatic - that does not mean i am not happy for you! i am thrilled for you!). i know that one day we will have all of those things, and that hope is the balm for my hurting heart - but those things won't come to us neatly tied up in a 40 week time frame with a planned induction date. we're in a weird place. for so long all we wanted was to get pregnant. right now, we've come to accept that that's not going to happen (at least not without serious medical intervention or a miracle), and we are 100% thrilled to adopt - not just because it fulfills our desire to start a family, but also for what it represents and how it will be a very tangible expression of the gospel in our lives. there is a baby for us, and we love it already. i know that sounds crazy, but i don't know if you can understand that unless you've been in our shoes. anyway, if we get pregnant now, we forfeit all the work we have done for our adoption - and all the money we have put in it already. we have to start over. that baby, our baby, somewhere out there in this great big world would not be our's. it's a weird thing to say that getting pregnant right now is not ideal. (please do not take this opportunity to tell me we should be thrilled to get pregnant and accept whatever god sees fit to give us. again, I KNOW. love ya.) see what i mean by adoption is a roller coaster?
so that was kind of a downer post. sorry about that. just keepin' it real. we really are excited. so excited. i know that these light and momentary afflictions will one day be eclipsed by glory - and i know that we will glimpse the glory and beauty and goodness of god when our baby is in our arms for the first time. we have already seen his hand all over our adoption. his faithfulness sustains us. i know one day i will look back and the wait will seem so minimal. i'll be rocking a baby to sleep so full of joy and thankfulness that i won't even consider the wait and the fear and the fires we walked through to get to her. or maybe i will, but it won't hurt. i think maybe i hope i will. i think maybe i hope i remember the ache in my heart for this child, and when i'm holding her, singing her to sleep, i hope i am on my knees in my heart thanking my faithful god who brought her to me, and i hope in those quiet moments i am faithful to pray for the mamas waiting and longing for their own babies. i pray our journey - my journey as a mama - is meaningful and that i use it to intersect the hearts and lives of other mamas walking the same road.
keep praying, friends. your emails, facebook messages, texts, calls, hugs and kind, spoken words give us so much encouragement. truly. you will never know how the lord uses you as an instrument of his peace in our lives. some times it's easy to feel a little forgotten - i'm not pregnant, we don't have a due date - and it's so good for my soul to know we are not alone in this. pray for the wait. pray for our peace. pray for our birth mother. pray for our baby. we love you all, and we thank god for you every day!
