here i am in the midst of a full blown quarter-life crisis, when jesus uses something as ridiculous as "sex and the city" to open my eyes.
**please note: while going through this quarter-life crisis, i'm going to be totally honest and completely genuine about how i'm feeling and what i'm learning.
i tend to go through these seasons of restlessness post-break-up. and boy, am i feeling restless (as previously mentioned in my post from earlier this week). i am ready to run - to get out of town and leave every reminder, every hurt, every frustration from every guy (including and especially the most recent) behind. i'm a relationship kind of girl; not just romantic relationships, but friendships, too. i invest my whole self into everything i'm passionate about, and however fortunate and unfortunate it may be, this is true for relationships. i give my whole self to whoever is in my life. i give and give and give. i give my time, my money, my thoughts, every drop of my emotions, my hope, my everything. i give pieces of myself that i don't want to give and that i don't even have to give. i give until it hurts, and when it hurts, i believe the only way to feel better is to give some more. i bend and twist myself into whatever i need to be to make things work - to keep people around - to get what i want. what do i want? affirmation. i want to hear that i'm a good friend, that i'm beautiful, that i'm smart, that i'm funny, that i'm wise, that i'm mature, that i'm _________. fill in the blank. whatever i need, i go to people to get it.
romantic relationships seem to be the biggest problem for me. i have a history of making poor choices. i get myself involved with guys that i have no business getting involved with. who do i go for? the bad boy. the guy who knows jesus, but who doesn't walk with jesus. the comfort of his salvation is all that i need to justify my relationship with him. that's techincally not true, i guess, because every relationship ends once i get to the point where i cannot stand the all-consuming guilt of being "unequally yoked" with someone who, while he may be a christian, is not ready or willing to lead me. most of the time the guys i date are selfish and lazy; they don't think about me or for me; they don't treasure me, my purity, my dreams, my feelings; they don't genuinely care about me. once the relationship is over, they are footloose and fancy free to forget about me. i, however, usually find myself licking my wounds. it doesn't matter if the relationship lasted two months or thirteen months. after i have invested any amount of time in something, my heart breaks at its close. when things end badly, it eats at me. being angry at someone or having someone angry at me or disappointed in me literally eats away at me. i think about it all the time. it makes my heart ache. i cannot stand for things to end unhappily ever after.
what's funny is that in all of my giving, i never really give my real self. i keep that person locked away, shut down, behind bullet-proof walls. i think that's why it's easy for me to get mixed up with the wrong guys - because i know that they're not interested in the person i really am. i can keep it surface level. with that, though, comes a relationship that is not centered on christ, leads you to make major mistakes, turns you into a person you're not, and hurts you even worse in the long run. i don't know what it would be like to truly let someone in and know me. i spend so much time contorting myself into who the other person wants that the real ashley can never be found. it's pretty contrary to my seemingly outspoken and extroverted personality.
all of these thoughts are kind of coming at me at once, so forgive me if this post makes absolutely no sense. so, how does "sex and the city" play in to this? on the episode i was watching, carrie said something about feeling good about herself until a man came along and made her feel bad. ding! ding! ding! of COURSE, if i'm seeking affirmation in a guy (or any other flawed human being) i will feel terrible about myself. he won't always make me feel great. he won't always treat me perfectly. he will let me down. people will always fail you. my worth can't be found in a man. it can't be found in a relationship - romantic or platonic. i will feel totally worthless if the only value i claim is that i'm beautiful to a sinful man. until i see myself the way christ does, i'm convinced that i will continue making unwise dating decisions. and friends, my heart cannot take one more bad choice.
i know that every relationship has a place in my life. i know that i have learned lessons from each of them. but it scares me to think about the baggage that i will take in to the relationship that god has prepared for me to commit to for the rest of my life. i'm scared that i won't have anything left to give - that too many little pieces of myself have been lost along the way. i made a promise to myself at the beginning of january that 2011 would be a year for me to make wise dating decisions. i am so praying that jesus would flood my life with affirmation from himself - that every need i have i will find completely met in him - that every nagging thought about a past relationship would find resolve in him - that every fear of being alone would be comforted in his presence - that every regret would meet grace by his cross - that every insecurity would be encouraged by his word. i read somewhere that if you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results. so true. so, so, so true. i keep making the same mistakes when it comes to relationships, and i keep getting the same results. it's time to totally and finally surrender my love life to jesus and be done with it.
sorry, friends. i did not intend for this blog to turn in to a whole post about romantic relationships, but that's just where i ended up. romance seems to be on my brain since i'm approaching twenty-five and nowhere near love and marriage. walking through this season of dating and singleness is quite interesting and quite frustrating. and "sex and the city" made it look so fabulous...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
the secret to life is there ain't no secret
faith hill got it right: there ain't no secret. there are mostly questions without answers, things that don't make sense, lots of ups, downs and ordinary days, and occasionally, and i do mean occasionally, moments full of magic that make you say, "oh. okay. i'm gonna be alright."
i used to think that life was supposed to go smoothly. things would always fall in to place, relationships never ended, people never let you down, bad moods weren't real, and hair never frizzed. earth to ashley: that's not real life. instead of "leave it to beaver" i feel more like meredith grey from "grey's anatomy."
instead of unicorns, roses, and rainbows, life is full of mortgage payments that you're not sure how you'll make, washing machines full of laundry that won't wash, broken hearts, friends who disappoint, a job you're less than satisfied with, inconsistency, frustrations, change, and mundaneness.
to say that i am feeling restless would be the understatement of, oh, i don't know, the millenium. i'm not even sure how to accurately describe exactly what i'm feeling. i should interject here that if you've been reading my blog for long, you've probably read a similar post in the past two years. that said:
after a year of relationship failures, a career change that did not produce the satisfaction i'd hoped, and lots of other attempts to shake my feeling of "i need to get out of here," i'm right back where i started - longing for adventure.
i'm so thankful to have graduated from college, gotten a steady job, and bought a house. but there is a small - nay, a HUGE - part of me that feels like there is more. i'm totally complete in christ. i believe this; i know this; i feel this. but it's my relationship with jesus that makes me think that there is more. there is adventure; there is challenge; there is richness and fulfillment and unbelievable joy - in everything, even the mundane moments. i don't have that here.
i am wild at heart. i'm easily bored. i desire a challenge and hard work and excitement. i love to meet new people. i am so passionate about everything, that i have no idea how to even channel all of my passion in to anything productive. i want to own a bakery. i want to do church plants. i want to be in the ministry. i want to travel. i want to be a nurse. i want to work at an ice cream shop on the boardwalk at the beach. i want to go to africa.
i have been going back and forth about all this for a while. i keep saying that it's the "christian thing to do" to up and move somewhere random, and that's not my intent. i'm not just tired of life and looking for a change. i'm not gonna throw a dart at a map and pick a new city. i'm really praying about it. i'm praying for opportunities. and if there are no open doors, then i'm praying to experience everything i feel like i'm lacking right where i am. i could be on the brink of a huge life change. or i could be on the brink of a huge heart change. or both. i don't know. but what i do know is that things can't stay the same.
i'm banking on the promise in james 4:8, "draw near to god, and he will draw near to you." i am intentionally putting myself in a vulnerable position so that i have no choice but to run to jesus over and over and over again, because i know that he will honor that.
on a lighter note: my puppy just chewed through my phone charger. while it was charging my phone. a) thanks, reesie. and b) how did she not get electrocuted?
what am i thinking? i've got adventure right here in greenville...
i used to think that life was supposed to go smoothly. things would always fall in to place, relationships never ended, people never let you down, bad moods weren't real, and hair never frizzed. earth to ashley: that's not real life. instead of "leave it to beaver" i feel more like meredith grey from "grey's anatomy."
instead of unicorns, roses, and rainbows, life is full of mortgage payments that you're not sure how you'll make, washing machines full of laundry that won't wash, broken hearts, friends who disappoint, a job you're less than satisfied with, inconsistency, frustrations, change, and mundaneness.
to say that i am feeling restless would be the understatement of, oh, i don't know, the millenium. i'm not even sure how to accurately describe exactly what i'm feeling. i should interject here that if you've been reading my blog for long, you've probably read a similar post in the past two years. that said:
after a year of relationship failures, a career change that did not produce the satisfaction i'd hoped, and lots of other attempts to shake my feeling of "i need to get out of here," i'm right back where i started - longing for adventure.
i'm so thankful to have graduated from college, gotten a steady job, and bought a house. but there is a small - nay, a HUGE - part of me that feels like there is more. i'm totally complete in christ. i believe this; i know this; i feel this. but it's my relationship with jesus that makes me think that there is more. there is adventure; there is challenge; there is richness and fulfillment and unbelievable joy - in everything, even the mundane moments. i don't have that here.
i am wild at heart. i'm easily bored. i desire a challenge and hard work and excitement. i love to meet new people. i am so passionate about everything, that i have no idea how to even channel all of my passion in to anything productive. i want to own a bakery. i want to do church plants. i want to be in the ministry. i want to travel. i want to be a nurse. i want to work at an ice cream shop on the boardwalk at the beach. i want to go to africa.
i have been going back and forth about all this for a while. i keep saying that it's the "christian thing to do" to up and move somewhere random, and that's not my intent. i'm not just tired of life and looking for a change. i'm not gonna throw a dart at a map and pick a new city. i'm really praying about it. i'm praying for opportunities. and if there are no open doors, then i'm praying to experience everything i feel like i'm lacking right where i am. i could be on the brink of a huge life change. or i could be on the brink of a huge heart change. or both. i don't know. but what i do know is that things can't stay the same.
i'm banking on the promise in james 4:8, "draw near to god, and he will draw near to you." i am intentionally putting myself in a vulnerable position so that i have no choice but to run to jesus over and over and over again, because i know that he will honor that.
on a lighter note: my puppy just chewed through my phone charger. while it was charging my phone. a) thanks, reesie. and b) how did she not get electrocuted?
what am i thinking? i've got adventure right here in greenville...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
how could i forgot, mama said, "think before speaking"
i told myself i wouldn't make any new year's resolutions. i don't keep them anyway, so why waste my time by even making any?
well, against my better judgement, i made one. are you ready for this? my 2011 resolution...drumroll please...
grow up.
that's it. pretty simple. i want to grow up. i want to be a woman of integrity who is honest and mature and independent. i want to own my faith like i never have before. i want to think before i speak and before i act. i want to have mature relationships. i want to stop letting people walk all over me and stand up for myself. i want to learn to deal with the crap in my life like an adult. i want to have more perspective. i want to think about myself less and others more. i want to filter my thoughts and actions through the cross. i want to be a better listener. when i talk, i want to talk about things that matter. i want to have pure motives. i want to be more disciplined - about exercise, about my diet, about keeping my room clean (silly, yes, but if you know me, you know that my room needs all the help it can get).
i'm on the brink of twenty-five. 1 corinthians basically says "when i was a child, i acted like a child, but when i became an adult, i put away childish things." i think at twenty-five it's time to put away childish things. it's time to grow up.
i had a little tiny victory tonight. miniscule, in fact. i had an opportunity to run off and run my mouth to a bunch of other people. i didn't. i stopped myself (well, actually, the holy spirit stopped me). and it made me feel like a grown up.
well, against my better judgement, i made one. are you ready for this? my 2011 resolution...drumroll please...
grow up.
that's it. pretty simple. i want to grow up. i want to be a woman of integrity who is honest and mature and independent. i want to own my faith like i never have before. i want to think before i speak and before i act. i want to have mature relationships. i want to stop letting people walk all over me and stand up for myself. i want to learn to deal with the crap in my life like an adult. i want to have more perspective. i want to think about myself less and others more. i want to filter my thoughts and actions through the cross. i want to be a better listener. when i talk, i want to talk about things that matter. i want to have pure motives. i want to be more disciplined - about exercise, about my diet, about keeping my room clean (silly, yes, but if you know me, you know that my room needs all the help it can get).
i'm on the brink of twenty-five. 1 corinthians basically says "when i was a child, i acted like a child, but when i became an adult, i put away childish things." i think at twenty-five it's time to put away childish things. it's time to grow up.
i had a little tiny victory tonight. miniscule, in fact. i had an opportunity to run off and run my mouth to a bunch of other people. i didn't. i stopped myself (well, actually, the holy spirit stopped me). and it made me feel like a grown up.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
but i called her bakersfield
a couple of girl friends and i went to a jerrod niemman concert a while back. we all got his cd for free, and though i really like his music, i only listened to two songs on the cd. well, about a month ago, one of the girls and i were in the car going who knows where. she said, "have you listened to number fourteen? it's your song. i think of you every time i hear it." i hadn't heard it but quickly scanned ahead to number fourteen. about four words in she said, "oh, here it is! your line!"
"but man, i gotta warn ya
she's a city girl
with a little country charm"
she said, "see?! it's you. it's you and camden. you're that girl! you're so city, but you're so country. and it's charming."
i often get a lot of flack for how often i talk about my hometown (camden). my friends make fun of the way i idealize it and glamorize it. when i get off the phone with someone from home, they say, "your camden just came out." they don't understand how i can still be so close to so many people. they don't get why homecoming is still a big deal and why i still get emotional about state championships. they're not sure why i can remember football plays from big games throughout my high school years. they don't think the "bulldog walk" is cool, and they look at me like i'm trippin on something when i say "the hay is in the barn." they think it's silly that i call my high school girls "coyotes," and nobody thinks it's as big a deal as me that my dad just won county council. nobody, that is, but people from my dear, small town.
i love being from a small town. i love that we didn't have any large chain restaurants while i was growing up. i love that a big night out meant going to outback and target on two-notch road in east columbia. i love that people who grew up there return after college and settle down there. i love the azaleas in the spring. i love the christmas lights hung from the opera house clock tower at christmas. i love that i can hardly get out of first baptist or everyday gourmet or la fiesta when i'm home, because i stop to talk to so many people. i love sunday afternoon drives. i love that i can go anywhere, get what i need, and the person at the counter will say, "don't worry about it. i'll work it out with your dad." i love going to my dad's sporting goods store and loading up on t-shirts, sweat shirts, and anything else i find. i love that my grandfather is a legend, and that my dad's pretty much the same. i love that i can get pulled for speeding, and the officer will walk up to my car, realize that a. we went to high school together or b. that my dad is tom gardner, and says, "don't worry about it. get home safely, ashley." i love that i can pick up my phone and call any one of my childhood friends, and any of them would be there to help - no matter what. i love that people still take meals to each other, wave as they drive down the road, smile and speak when they pass in a store. i love that my youth pastor's opinion still means the world to me. i love that when i go home and get my hair done, i tell my hair lady about every little thing that's happened in my life since i've been gone. i love that the weekend of the cup is like a high school reunion. i love that you can drive out of downtown and five minutes later be in the country, barefoot, feeding baby goats out of bottles (don't judge me - i grew up doing this).
to me, camden will always be the quinessential small, southern town with narrow, maple-lined streets, old plantation homes, sweet tea on big, white porches, AAA high school football on friday nights, and sunday lunch after church. you see everybody you know at wal-mart on friday nights. you can tell who's coming up the drive by how loud their truck is. you spend summer days on the lake, and there's nowhere you'd rather be on the 4th of july than sittin at the wateree marina. forking yards was a skill, and barn parties and bonfires were a way of life. it was magic.
charmed life? you got it. don't get me wrong, i've dealt with some hard stuff in my (almost) twenty-five years. but i would absolutely wish my childhood and teenage years on anyone. there's something so special about a small town. and if you're not from a small town, well, i'm sorry, but you just don't get it.
that's why i took my girl friend's statement as a compliment. if being from a small town is part of what makes me special, i'm okay with that.
"but man, i gotta warn ya
she's a city girl
with a little country charm"
she said, "see?! it's you. it's you and camden. you're that girl! you're so city, but you're so country. and it's charming."
i often get a lot of flack for how often i talk about my hometown (camden). my friends make fun of the way i idealize it and glamorize it. when i get off the phone with someone from home, they say, "your camden just came out." they don't understand how i can still be so close to so many people. they don't get why homecoming is still a big deal and why i still get emotional about state championships. they're not sure why i can remember football plays from big games throughout my high school years. they don't think the "bulldog walk" is cool, and they look at me like i'm trippin on something when i say "the hay is in the barn." they think it's silly that i call my high school girls "coyotes," and nobody thinks it's as big a deal as me that my dad just won county council. nobody, that is, but people from my dear, small town.
i love being from a small town. i love that we didn't have any large chain restaurants while i was growing up. i love that a big night out meant going to outback and target on two-notch road in east columbia. i love that people who grew up there return after college and settle down there. i love the azaleas in the spring. i love the christmas lights hung from the opera house clock tower at christmas. i love that i can hardly get out of first baptist or everyday gourmet or la fiesta when i'm home, because i stop to talk to so many people. i love sunday afternoon drives. i love that i can go anywhere, get what i need, and the person at the counter will say, "don't worry about it. i'll work it out with your dad." i love going to my dad's sporting goods store and loading up on t-shirts, sweat shirts, and anything else i find. i love that my grandfather is a legend, and that my dad's pretty much the same. i love that i can get pulled for speeding, and the officer will walk up to my car, realize that a. we went to high school together or b. that my dad is tom gardner, and says, "don't worry about it. get home safely, ashley." i love that i can pick up my phone and call any one of my childhood friends, and any of them would be there to help - no matter what. i love that people still take meals to each other, wave as they drive down the road, smile and speak when they pass in a store. i love that my youth pastor's opinion still means the world to me. i love that when i go home and get my hair done, i tell my hair lady about every little thing that's happened in my life since i've been gone. i love that the weekend of the cup is like a high school reunion. i love that you can drive out of downtown and five minutes later be in the country, barefoot, feeding baby goats out of bottles (don't judge me - i grew up doing this).
to me, camden will always be the quinessential small, southern town with narrow, maple-lined streets, old plantation homes, sweet tea on big, white porches, AAA high school football on friday nights, and sunday lunch after church. you see everybody you know at wal-mart on friday nights. you can tell who's coming up the drive by how loud their truck is. you spend summer days on the lake, and there's nowhere you'd rather be on the 4th of july than sittin at the wateree marina. forking yards was a skill, and barn parties and bonfires were a way of life. it was magic.
charmed life? you got it. don't get me wrong, i've dealt with some hard stuff in my (almost) twenty-five years. but i would absolutely wish my childhood and teenage years on anyone. there's something so special about a small town. and if you're not from a small town, well, i'm sorry, but you just don't get it.
that's why i took my girl friend's statement as a compliment. if being from a small town is part of what makes me special, i'm okay with that.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
baby, you're a firework
no time like the new year to return to my blog, right?
in the time since i have last written, SO much has happened. wow. life can change so quickly. over the past three months, i've made so many mistakes, learned so many lessons, come to a lot of conclusions, cried a lot of tears, laughed a whole lot, and seen, yet again, how faithful jesus is. i don't even know if i'll be able to catch you up, but i'm going to try. get ready, because this might be the longest blog post in the history of blog posts!
1. my will is never a great idea.
i fought jesus for six months over something i wanted. want probably isn't even a great way to put it. i ached for it - longed for it - i was desperate for it. i wrestled with him all day every day. it was pretty stupid of me, because i knew i had taken a step of obedience and made a good decision. as soon as i did, satan attacked my very vulnerable heart (because i had been out of the word and out of fellowship with him, i was living disobediently - thus, i was an easy target), and i immediately doubted the decision i made. and for six months after i doubted it. i wanted to reverse it. i wanted to take it back. i wanted to go back to the point where i made the decision and change my mind. i constantly tried to refocus my mind on philippians 4:8 ("whatever is true..."), but found myself completely lost in satan's lies: you messed up - you made the wrong decision - you know best, not god. after months of literally screaming out to god for what i wanted, i got it. and for how much it wrecked my heart, i wish i had never prayed to have it. as much as it hurt, i know that god unkindly showed me kindness. he knew that for to truly understand that he was protecting me and that his will is safest and best, he'd have to break my heart deeply. and he did.
i know there will be other times when i doubt god's will. there may even be other times where i flat out don't want his will, but lobby for my own. i'm begging him to keep this lesson written on my heart. i'm begging him to give me a new heart every day - a heart more like his, that wants what he wants. the encouraging thing is that he promises to in ezekiel 36:26.
2. it's easier to sacrifice something in obedience than to live in disobedience.
this thing i had to sacrifice was not something i wanted to give up. in fact, it was something that i saw being around for quite some time. i knew it wasn't good, though. i always know something's not good when i find myself having to justify it to myself over and over - almost like i'm talking myself in to it. not a good feeling, but something that i'm pretty decent at. i can argue my way in or out of anything (ask anyone who knows me, and they will quickly confirm this). i found myself at first taking baby steps away from jesus, and then eventually i was in a full out sprint, back turned. and then, dang it, i looked back. and if you're a believer, you know that awful feeling you get when you're caught up in something you know you shouldn't be, and you look back and for just a second you kind of glimpse jesus, broken-hearted, watching you run away...again. ugh. once you have that feeling, it doesn't go away until you do something about it. and for all of my arguing, my strong evidence for why this thing really wasn't that bad, and my compelling closing remarks, i just couldn't shake the feeling that i was messing up. what really transformed my heart was a day when i was in my car driving. totally random. i started talking to god, and he completely laid the weight of my sin on me. i felt its heaviness physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and i could not shake it. for those couple of minutes i felt the load of sinning against a holy, loving and just god. and as much as i detest this phrase, it wrecked me.
so, i begged jesus over and over to give me enough faith to be obedient, and whaddaya know - he did.
3. obedience is encouraging.
this is just a follow up to number 2, so it'll be brief. though i probably waited a little (or a lot) too long to be obedient, i was still obedient. and though satan would like for me to feel like a failure, because i didn't get right the first time, i'm choosing to feel encoruaged. the war between my flesh and my spirit is proof that the holy spirit is alive and working in me, and WINNING. my spirit doesn't win all the time, and it doesn't always win the first time, but it won this time. and i'm pretty excited that jesus hasn't given up on me. kind of like that illustration about the one-hundred dollar bill. if i have a brand new, crisp and clean one-hundred dollar bill, and i offer it to you, you'd take it. if i take that one-hundred dollar bill and spit in it, crumble it up, dunk it in toilet water and drag it through mud, you'd still take it. why? because you still see it's value. nothing has encouraged my heart more than realizing that this is how jesus feels about me. so often i've found myself feeling like a lost cause - like i've finally done too much, and jesus is just gonna leave me this way. not a chance. lamentations 3:22-24 says that his mercies are new every morning, and that means they're new every morning for me. i am still valuable, no matter how many times i've been spit on, crumbled up, dunked in toilet water, and drug through the mud.
it's never too late, be obedient. and be encouraged if you feel the battle between your spirit and your flesh raging.
4. purity. ahhh, purity.
purity is something that you don't really appreciate until you feel like you've lost it. i'm sure people will read this and their minds will automatically jump to one place. don't go there, that's not what i'm talking about. or go there, whatever. i don't really care. purity is purity no matter what area of your life we're talking about, and i found myself searching for mine last week. i don't really know how it happened, my loss of purity, but i woke up one morning and felt like it had been stripped away. i suddenly saw myself in a very ugly light, and spent the better part of three days mourning the loss of my innocence. granted, i've technically not been pure for my entire life, since i was born a sinner, but it was as if i finally realized how lots of little tiny decisions over the course of 2010 had chipped away at the purity i had let jesus protect. and i was disgusted with myself. i couldn't stand to think about it. i could hardly look at myself. and i was pretty sure jesus didn't want to think about it or look at me, either.
i really do my best thinking in the car. on another random day while in my car, i was crying and thinking about all the things that i had done that i was so ashamed of, and i felt jesus whispering to my heart, "ashley, that's why i came. that why i went to the cross. these are the exact things i came to save you from. i know you can't do anything about them. that's why i came." relief. that's why he came. in his goodness, he uses my own disgusting, filthy sin to show me how much i need him. i don't believe this justifies or excuses my sin - actually, that's exactly what it does. jesus makes me righteous. but it doesn't give me a free pass to sin. over the past few days i've found myself begging him to restore my heart and mind and body to purity. i long for it. i don't even want the same things i wanted - i don't want to do the same things. i want purity in my life.
5. god wasn't meant to fit in to my life.
i don't know where we get off creating this man-centered theology. nay: me-centered theology. i want god to be who i need him to be. if i need grace, then god is merciful. if i need justice, then god is just. if i need understanding, then god is wise. whatever i need, god becomes that. wrong, smash. but good try. god is who god is. always has been, always will be. i don't know how the heck i've been living my life the way i have - doing waht i want, for reasons i want, when i want, how i want. when you really understand that god is god PERIOD, that's it. your life changes. why am i single? god is god. why did september 11th happen? god is god. why do some people go to hell? god is god. why do good people get cancer? god is god. god. is. god. period.
this is what makes grace so much more unbelievable. and it makes me literally fall on my face, thankful for a just god who poured out the wrath intended for me on his son. because god is god, he can encompass every quality the word says he does simlutaneously (just, good, loving, wrathful, jealous, merciful). he can be both wrathful and merciful. he can be both loving and angry. he can show grace to some and not to others. he can open my heart to the truth of his gospel, and harden the hearts of others. because he is god, though, and because he is just, he will execute the fullness of his wrath. i am so at a loss of words for how thankful i am that he poured the wrath planned for me on to his son at the cross. i don't understand how a loving god can spare me, yet not another. i don't get it. but god is god, and i am thankful for and dependent on his grace.
6. christian men - i mean, christian boys: grow up.
get off your lazy butts, get in the word, get intimate with jesus, and become the MEN that you were designed to be. a mighty, protective, jealous god did not create you in his image to be passive, lazy, and apathetic. it's no surprise that strong-willed, spiritually mature, opinionated, independent women like myself are single: because you can't handle it. you're too busy getting drunk, hunting, playing video games intended for 12-16 year olds, finding girls to hook up with, and talking a big talk to your other idiot, christian boy friends.
sweet friends, i feel like i have so much more i could tell you. so many more lessons i've learned, so many more experiences to share. i can't even contain it all in my brain, and if you know me you know that i have a hard time focusing, so this is about all i can get into words for now. i am so thankful - so, so, so thankful - for a god that has chosen me, called me out, made me new and continues to make me new. ah! happy new year!
in the time since i have last written, SO much has happened. wow. life can change so quickly. over the past three months, i've made so many mistakes, learned so many lessons, come to a lot of conclusions, cried a lot of tears, laughed a whole lot, and seen, yet again, how faithful jesus is. i don't even know if i'll be able to catch you up, but i'm going to try. get ready, because this might be the longest blog post in the history of blog posts!
1. my will is never a great idea.
i fought jesus for six months over something i wanted. want probably isn't even a great way to put it. i ached for it - longed for it - i was desperate for it. i wrestled with him all day every day. it was pretty stupid of me, because i knew i had taken a step of obedience and made a good decision. as soon as i did, satan attacked my very vulnerable heart (because i had been out of the word and out of fellowship with him, i was living disobediently - thus, i was an easy target), and i immediately doubted the decision i made. and for six months after i doubted it. i wanted to reverse it. i wanted to take it back. i wanted to go back to the point where i made the decision and change my mind. i constantly tried to refocus my mind on philippians 4:8 ("whatever is true..."), but found myself completely lost in satan's lies: you messed up - you made the wrong decision - you know best, not god. after months of literally screaming out to god for what i wanted, i got it. and for how much it wrecked my heart, i wish i had never prayed to have it. as much as it hurt, i know that god unkindly showed me kindness. he knew that for to truly understand that he was protecting me and that his will is safest and best, he'd have to break my heart deeply. and he did.
i know there will be other times when i doubt god's will. there may even be other times where i flat out don't want his will, but lobby for my own. i'm begging him to keep this lesson written on my heart. i'm begging him to give me a new heart every day - a heart more like his, that wants what he wants. the encouraging thing is that he promises to in ezekiel 36:26.
2. it's easier to sacrifice something in obedience than to live in disobedience.
this thing i had to sacrifice was not something i wanted to give up. in fact, it was something that i saw being around for quite some time. i knew it wasn't good, though. i always know something's not good when i find myself having to justify it to myself over and over - almost like i'm talking myself in to it. not a good feeling, but something that i'm pretty decent at. i can argue my way in or out of anything (ask anyone who knows me, and they will quickly confirm this). i found myself at first taking baby steps away from jesus, and then eventually i was in a full out sprint, back turned. and then, dang it, i looked back. and if you're a believer, you know that awful feeling you get when you're caught up in something you know you shouldn't be, and you look back and for just a second you kind of glimpse jesus, broken-hearted, watching you run away...again. ugh. once you have that feeling, it doesn't go away until you do something about it. and for all of my arguing, my strong evidence for why this thing really wasn't that bad, and my compelling closing remarks, i just couldn't shake the feeling that i was messing up. what really transformed my heart was a day when i was in my car driving. totally random. i started talking to god, and he completely laid the weight of my sin on me. i felt its heaviness physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and i could not shake it. for those couple of minutes i felt the load of sinning against a holy, loving and just god. and as much as i detest this phrase, it wrecked me.
so, i begged jesus over and over to give me enough faith to be obedient, and whaddaya know - he did.
3. obedience is encouraging.
this is just a follow up to number 2, so it'll be brief. though i probably waited a little (or a lot) too long to be obedient, i was still obedient. and though satan would like for me to feel like a failure, because i didn't get right the first time, i'm choosing to feel encoruaged. the war between my flesh and my spirit is proof that the holy spirit is alive and working in me, and WINNING. my spirit doesn't win all the time, and it doesn't always win the first time, but it won this time. and i'm pretty excited that jesus hasn't given up on me. kind of like that illustration about the one-hundred dollar bill. if i have a brand new, crisp and clean one-hundred dollar bill, and i offer it to you, you'd take it. if i take that one-hundred dollar bill and spit in it, crumble it up, dunk it in toilet water and drag it through mud, you'd still take it. why? because you still see it's value. nothing has encouraged my heart more than realizing that this is how jesus feels about me. so often i've found myself feeling like a lost cause - like i've finally done too much, and jesus is just gonna leave me this way. not a chance. lamentations 3:22-24 says that his mercies are new every morning, and that means they're new every morning for me. i am still valuable, no matter how many times i've been spit on, crumbled up, dunked in toilet water, and drug through the mud.
it's never too late, be obedient. and be encouraged if you feel the battle between your spirit and your flesh raging.
4. purity. ahhh, purity.
purity is something that you don't really appreciate until you feel like you've lost it. i'm sure people will read this and their minds will automatically jump to one place. don't go there, that's not what i'm talking about. or go there, whatever. i don't really care. purity is purity no matter what area of your life we're talking about, and i found myself searching for mine last week. i don't really know how it happened, my loss of purity, but i woke up one morning and felt like it had been stripped away. i suddenly saw myself in a very ugly light, and spent the better part of three days mourning the loss of my innocence. granted, i've technically not been pure for my entire life, since i was born a sinner, but it was as if i finally realized how lots of little tiny decisions over the course of 2010 had chipped away at the purity i had let jesus protect. and i was disgusted with myself. i couldn't stand to think about it. i could hardly look at myself. and i was pretty sure jesus didn't want to think about it or look at me, either.
i really do my best thinking in the car. on another random day while in my car, i was crying and thinking about all the things that i had done that i was so ashamed of, and i felt jesus whispering to my heart, "ashley, that's why i came. that why i went to the cross. these are the exact things i came to save you from. i know you can't do anything about them. that's why i came." relief. that's why he came. in his goodness, he uses my own disgusting, filthy sin to show me how much i need him. i don't believe this justifies or excuses my sin - actually, that's exactly what it does. jesus makes me righteous. but it doesn't give me a free pass to sin. over the past few days i've found myself begging him to restore my heart and mind and body to purity. i long for it. i don't even want the same things i wanted - i don't want to do the same things. i want purity in my life.
5. god wasn't meant to fit in to my life.
i don't know where we get off creating this man-centered theology. nay: me-centered theology. i want god to be who i need him to be. if i need grace, then god is merciful. if i need justice, then god is just. if i need understanding, then god is wise. whatever i need, god becomes that. wrong, smash. but good try. god is who god is. always has been, always will be. i don't know how the heck i've been living my life the way i have - doing waht i want, for reasons i want, when i want, how i want. when you really understand that god is god PERIOD, that's it. your life changes. why am i single? god is god. why did september 11th happen? god is god. why do some people go to hell? god is god. why do good people get cancer? god is god. god. is. god. period.
this is what makes grace so much more unbelievable. and it makes me literally fall on my face, thankful for a just god who poured out the wrath intended for me on his son. because god is god, he can encompass every quality the word says he does simlutaneously (just, good, loving, wrathful, jealous, merciful). he can be both wrathful and merciful. he can be both loving and angry. he can show grace to some and not to others. he can open my heart to the truth of his gospel, and harden the hearts of others. because he is god, though, and because he is just, he will execute the fullness of his wrath. i am so at a loss of words for how thankful i am that he poured the wrath planned for me on to his son at the cross. i don't understand how a loving god can spare me, yet not another. i don't get it. but god is god, and i am thankful for and dependent on his grace.
6. christian men - i mean, christian boys: grow up.
get off your lazy butts, get in the word, get intimate with jesus, and become the MEN that you were designed to be. a mighty, protective, jealous god did not create you in his image to be passive, lazy, and apathetic. it's no surprise that strong-willed, spiritually mature, opinionated, independent women like myself are single: because you can't handle it. you're too busy getting drunk, hunting, playing video games intended for 12-16 year olds, finding girls to hook up with, and talking a big talk to your other idiot, christian boy friends.
sweet friends, i feel like i have so much more i could tell you. so many more lessons i've learned, so many more experiences to share. i can't even contain it all in my brain, and if you know me you know that i have a hard time focusing, so this is about all i can get into words for now. i am so thankful - so, so, so thankful - for a god that has chosen me, called me out, made me new and continues to make me new. ah! happy new year!
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