baby, you're a firework

no time like the new year to return to my blog, right?

in the time since i have last written, SO much has happened. wow. life can change so quickly. over the past three months, i've made so many mistakes, learned so many lessons, come to a lot of conclusions, cried a lot of tears, laughed a whole lot, and seen, yet again, how faithful jesus is. i don't even know if i'll be able to catch you up, but i'm going to try. get ready, because this might be the longest blog post in the history of blog posts!

1. my will is never a great idea.

i fought jesus for six months over something i wanted. want probably isn't even a great way to put it. i ached for it - longed for it - i was desperate for it. i wrestled with him all day every day. it was pretty stupid of me, because i knew i had taken a step of obedience and made a good decision. as soon as i did, satan attacked my very vulnerable heart (because i had been out of the word and out of fellowship with him, i was living disobediently - thus, i was an easy target), and i immediately doubted the decision i made. and for six months after i doubted it. i wanted to reverse it. i wanted to take it back. i wanted to go back to the point where i made the decision and change my mind. i constantly tried to refocus my mind on philippians 4:8 ("whatever is true..."), but found myself completely lost in satan's lies: you messed up - you made the wrong decision - you know best, not god. after months of literally screaming out to god for what i wanted, i got it. and for how much it wrecked my heart, i wish i had never prayed to have it. as much as it hurt, i know that god unkindly showed me kindness. he knew that for to truly understand that he was protecting me and that his will is safest and best, he'd have to break my heart deeply. and he did.

i know there will be other times when i doubt god's will. there may even be other times where i flat out don't want his will, but lobby for my own. i'm begging him to keep this lesson written on my heart. i'm begging him to give me a new heart every day - a heart more like his, that wants what he wants. the encouraging thing is that he promises to in ezekiel 36:26.

2. it's easier to sacrifice something in obedience than to live in disobedience.

this thing i had to sacrifice was not something i wanted to give up. in fact, it was something that i saw being around for quite some time. i knew it wasn't good, though. i always know something's not good when i find myself having to justify it to myself over and over - almost like i'm talking myself in to it. not a good feeling, but something that i'm pretty decent at. i can argue my way in or out of anything (ask anyone who knows me, and they will quickly confirm this). i found myself at first taking baby steps away from jesus, and then eventually i was in a full out sprint, back turned. and then, dang it, i looked back. and if you're a believer, you know that awful feeling you get when you're caught up in something you know you shouldn't be, and you look back and for just a second you kind of glimpse jesus, broken-hearted, watching you run away...again. ugh. once you have that feeling, it doesn't go away until you do something about it. and for all of my arguing, my strong evidence for why this thing really wasn't that bad, and my compelling closing remarks, i just couldn't shake the feeling that i was messing up. what really transformed my heart was a day when i was in my car driving. totally random. i started talking to god, and he completely laid the weight of my sin on me. i felt its heaviness physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and i could not shake it. for those couple of minutes i felt the load of sinning against a holy, loving and just god. and as much as i detest this phrase, it wrecked me.

so, i begged jesus over and over to give me enough faith to be obedient, and whaddaya know - he did.

3. obedience is encouraging.

this is just a follow up to number 2, so it'll be brief. though i probably waited a little (or a lot) too long to be obedient, i was still obedient. and though satan would like for me to feel like a failure, because i didn't get right the first time, i'm choosing to feel encoruaged. the war between my flesh and my spirit is proof that the holy spirit is alive and working in me, and WINNING. my spirit doesn't win all the time, and it doesn't always win the first time, but it won this time. and i'm pretty excited that jesus hasn't given up on me. kind of like that illustration about the one-hundred dollar bill. if i have a brand new, crisp and clean one-hundred dollar bill, and i offer it to you, you'd take it. if i take that one-hundred dollar bill and spit in it, crumble it up, dunk it in toilet water and drag it through mud, you'd still take it. why? because you still see it's value. nothing has encouraged my heart more than realizing that this is how jesus feels about me. so often i've found myself feeling like a lost cause - like i've finally done too much, and jesus is just gonna leave me this way. not a chance. lamentations 3:22-24 says that his mercies are new every morning, and that means they're new every morning for me. i am still valuable, no matter how many times i've been spit on, crumbled up, dunked in toilet water, and drug through the mud.

it's never too late, be obedient. and be encouraged if you feel the battle between your spirit and your flesh raging.

4. purity. ahhh, purity.

purity is something that you don't really appreciate until you feel like you've lost it. i'm sure people will read this and their minds will automatically jump to one place. don't go there, that's not what i'm talking about. or go there, whatever. i don't really care. purity is purity no matter what area of your life we're talking about, and i found myself searching for mine last week. i don't really know how it happened, my loss of purity, but i woke up one morning and felt like it had been stripped away. i suddenly saw myself in a very ugly light, and spent the better part of three days mourning the loss of my innocence. granted, i've technically not been pure for my entire life, since i was born a sinner, but it was as if i finally realized how lots of little tiny decisions over the course of 2010 had chipped away at the purity i had let jesus protect. and i was disgusted with myself. i couldn't stand to think about it. i could hardly look at myself. and i was pretty sure jesus didn't want to think about it or look at me, either.

i really do my best thinking in the car. on another random day while in my car, i was crying and thinking about all the things that i had done that i was so ashamed of, and i felt jesus whispering to my heart, "ashley, that's why i came. that why i went to the cross. these are the exact things i came to save you from. i know you can't do anything about them. that's why i came." relief. that's why he came. in his goodness, he uses my own disgusting, filthy sin to show me how much i need him. i don't believe this justifies or excuses my sin - actually, that's exactly what it does. jesus makes me righteous. but it doesn't give me a free pass to sin. over the past few days i've found myself begging him to restore my heart and mind and body to purity. i long for it. i don't even want the same things i wanted - i don't want to do the same things. i want purity in my life.

5. god wasn't meant to fit in to my life.

i don't know where we get off creating this man-centered theology. nay: me-centered theology. i want god to be who i need him to be. if i need grace, then god is merciful. if i need justice, then god is just. if i need understanding, then god is wise. whatever i need, god becomes that. wrong, smash. but good try. god is who god is. always has been, always will be. i don't know how the heck i've been living my life the way i have - doing waht i want, for reasons i want, when i want, how i want. when you really understand that god is god PERIOD, that's it. your life changes. why am i single? god is god. why did september 11th happen? god is god. why do some people go to hell? god is god. why do good people get cancer? god is god. god. is. god. period.

this is what makes grace so much more unbelievable. and it makes me literally fall on my face, thankful for a just god who poured out the wrath intended for me on his son. because god is god, he can encompass every quality the word says he does simlutaneously (just, good, loving, wrathful, jealous, merciful). he can be both wrathful and merciful. he can be both loving and angry. he can show grace to some and not to others. he can open my heart to the truth of his gospel, and harden the hearts of others. because he is god, though, and because he is just, he will execute the fullness of his wrath. i am so at a loss of words for how thankful i am that he poured the wrath planned for me on to his son at the cross. i don't understand how a loving god can spare me, yet not another. i don't get it. but god is god, and i am thankful for and dependent on his grace.

6. christian men - i mean, christian boys: grow up.

get off your lazy butts, get in the word, get intimate with jesus, and become the MEN that you were designed to be. a mighty, protective, jealous god did not create you in his image to be passive, lazy, and apathetic. it's no surprise that strong-willed, spiritually mature, opinionated, independent women like myself are single: because you can't handle it. you're too busy getting drunk, hunting, playing video games intended for 12-16 year olds, finding girls to hook up with, and talking a big talk to your other idiot, christian boy friends.

sweet friends, i feel like i have so much more i could tell you. so many more lessons i've learned, so many more experiences to share. i can't even contain it all in my brain, and if you know me you know that i have a hard time focusing, so this is about all i can get into words for now. i am so thankful - so, so, so thankful - for a god that has chosen me, called me out, made me new and continues to make me new. ah! happy new year!