faith hill got it right: there ain't no secret. there are mostly questions without answers, things that don't make sense, lots of ups, downs and ordinary days, and occasionally, and i do mean occasionally, moments full of magic that make you say, "oh. okay. i'm gonna be alright."
i used to think that life was supposed to go smoothly. things would always fall in to place, relationships never ended, people never let you down, bad moods weren't real, and hair never frizzed. earth to ashley: that's not real life. instead of "leave it to beaver" i feel more like meredith grey from "grey's anatomy."
instead of unicorns, roses, and rainbows, life is full of mortgage payments that you're not sure how you'll make, washing machines full of laundry that won't wash, broken hearts, friends who disappoint, a job you're less than satisfied with, inconsistency, frustrations, change, and mundaneness.
to say that i am feeling restless would be the understatement of, oh, i don't know, the millenium. i'm not even sure how to accurately describe exactly what i'm feeling. i should interject here that if you've been reading my blog for long, you've probably read a similar post in the past two years. that said:
after a year of relationship failures, a career change that did not produce the satisfaction i'd hoped, and lots of other attempts to shake my feeling of "i need to get out of here," i'm right back where i started - longing for adventure.
i'm so thankful to have graduated from college, gotten a steady job, and bought a house. but there is a small - nay, a HUGE - part of me that feels like there is more. i'm totally complete in christ. i believe this; i know this; i feel this. but it's my relationship with jesus that makes me think that there is more. there is adventure; there is challenge; there is richness and fulfillment and unbelievable joy - in everything, even the mundane moments. i don't have that here.
i am wild at heart. i'm easily bored. i desire a challenge and hard work and excitement. i love to meet new people. i am so passionate about everything, that i have no idea how to even channel all of my passion in to anything productive. i want to own a bakery. i want to do church plants. i want to be in the ministry. i want to travel. i want to be a nurse. i want to work at an ice cream shop on the boardwalk at the beach. i want to go to africa.
i have been going back and forth about all this for a while. i keep saying that it's the "christian thing to do" to up and move somewhere random, and that's not my intent. i'm not just tired of life and looking for a change. i'm not gonna throw a dart at a map and pick a new city. i'm really praying about it. i'm praying for opportunities. and if there are no open doors, then i'm praying to experience everything i feel like i'm lacking right where i am. i could be on the brink of a huge life change. or i could be on the brink of a huge heart change. or both. i don't know. but what i do know is that things can't stay the same.
i'm banking on the promise in james 4:8, "draw near to god, and he will draw near to you." i am intentionally putting myself in a vulnerable position so that i have no choice but to run to jesus over and over and over again, because i know that he will honor that.
on a lighter note: my puppy just chewed through my phone charger. while it was charging my phone. a) thanks, reesie. and b) how did she not get electrocuted?
what am i thinking? i've got adventure right here in greenville...
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