here i am in the midst of a full blown quarter-life crisis, when jesus uses something as ridiculous as "sex and the city" to open my eyes.
**please note: while going through this quarter-life crisis, i'm going to be totally honest and completely genuine about how i'm feeling and what i'm learning.
i tend to go through these seasons of restlessness post-break-up. and boy, am i feeling restless (as previously mentioned in my post from earlier this week). i am ready to run - to get out of town and leave every reminder, every hurt, every frustration from every guy (including and especially the most recent) behind. i'm a relationship kind of girl; not just romantic relationships, but friendships, too. i invest my whole self into everything i'm passionate about, and however fortunate and unfortunate it may be, this is true for relationships. i give my whole self to whoever is in my life. i give and give and give. i give my time, my money, my thoughts, every drop of my emotions, my hope, my everything. i give pieces of myself that i don't want to give and that i don't even have to give. i give until it hurts, and when it hurts, i believe the only way to feel better is to give some more. i bend and twist myself into whatever i need to be to make things work - to keep people around - to get what i want. what do i want? affirmation. i want to hear that i'm a good friend, that i'm beautiful, that i'm smart, that i'm funny, that i'm wise, that i'm mature, that i'm _________. fill in the blank. whatever i need, i go to people to get it.
romantic relationships seem to be the biggest problem for me. i have a history of making poor choices. i get myself involved with guys that i have no business getting involved with. who do i go for? the bad boy. the guy who knows jesus, but who doesn't walk with jesus. the comfort of his salvation is all that i need to justify my relationship with him. that's techincally not true, i guess, because every relationship ends once i get to the point where i cannot stand the all-consuming guilt of being "unequally yoked" with someone who, while he may be a christian, is not ready or willing to lead me. most of the time the guys i date are selfish and lazy; they don't think about me or for me; they don't treasure me, my purity, my dreams, my feelings; they don't genuinely care about me. once the relationship is over, they are footloose and fancy free to forget about me. i, however, usually find myself licking my wounds. it doesn't matter if the relationship lasted two months or thirteen months. after i have invested any amount of time in something, my heart breaks at its close. when things end badly, it eats at me. being angry at someone or having someone angry at me or disappointed in me literally eats away at me. i think about it all the time. it makes my heart ache. i cannot stand for things to end unhappily ever after.
what's funny is that in all of my giving, i never really give my real self. i keep that person locked away, shut down, behind bullet-proof walls. i think that's why it's easy for me to get mixed up with the wrong guys - because i know that they're not interested in the person i really am. i can keep it surface level. with that, though, comes a relationship that is not centered on christ, leads you to make major mistakes, turns you into a person you're not, and hurts you even worse in the long run. i don't know what it would be like to truly let someone in and know me. i spend so much time contorting myself into who the other person wants that the real ashley can never be found. it's pretty contrary to my seemingly outspoken and extroverted personality.
all of these thoughts are kind of coming at me at once, so forgive me if this post makes absolutely no sense. so, how does "sex and the city" play in to this? on the episode i was watching, carrie said something about feeling good about herself until a man came along and made her feel bad. ding! ding! ding! of COURSE, if i'm seeking affirmation in a guy (or any other flawed human being) i will feel terrible about myself. he won't always make me feel great. he won't always treat me perfectly. he will let me down. people will always fail you. my worth can't be found in a man. it can't be found in a relationship - romantic or platonic. i will feel totally worthless if the only value i claim is that i'm beautiful to a sinful man. until i see myself the way christ does, i'm convinced that i will continue making unwise dating decisions. and friends, my heart cannot take one more bad choice.
i know that every relationship has a place in my life. i know that i have learned lessons from each of them. but it scares me to think about the baggage that i will take in to the relationship that god has prepared for me to commit to for the rest of my life. i'm scared that i won't have anything left to give - that too many little pieces of myself have been lost along the way. i made a promise to myself at the beginning of january that 2011 would be a year for me to make wise dating decisions. i am so praying that jesus would flood my life with affirmation from himself - that every need i have i will find completely met in him - that every nagging thought about a past relationship would find resolve in him - that every fear of being alone would be comforted in his presence - that every regret would meet grace by his cross - that every insecurity would be encouraged by his word. i read somewhere that if you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results. so true. so, so, so true. i keep making the same mistakes when it comes to relationships, and i keep getting the same results. it's time to totally and finally surrender my love life to jesus and be done with it.
sorry, friends. i did not intend for this blog to turn in to a whole post about romantic relationships, but that's just where i ended up. romance seems to be on my brain since i'm approaching twenty-five and nowhere near love and marriage. walking through this season of dating and singleness is quite interesting and quite frustrating. and "sex and the city" made it look so fabulous...
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