jar of hearts

favorite line from a song i've heard lately:

i know i can't take one more step toward you
cause all that's waiting is regret
-christina perri

in a rash and terrible decision sunday night, i almost got myself caught up in something completely detrimental. but, praise Jesus, when i was faced with a critical choice - a potentially life-changing choice - my desire for holiness finally, FINALLY outweighed my desire for any fleeting, earthly pleasure. granted, there are repercussions for the steps i did take in sin sunday night, but there is so much joy in my heart that i was able to put an end to something that 1. shouldn't have started and 2. would have eventually sucked the life out of my soul.

here are some things weighing on my heart right now:

1. please, PLEASE do not quote scripture to me and preface it with, "the pastor always says..." newsflash - the pastor didn't write it. it's God's word. it's sickening to me to think that believers don't know the word when they hear it - and when they do hear it, they can use it as flippantly as that.

2. if holiness is not the desire of your heart (i don't mean if you aren't holy; none of us is holy, and i'll be the first to tell you that i mess up a lot.), then you have a serious heart issue. i make huge mistakes. a lot. but i am so genuinely convicted and hurt and saddened when i do, because Jesus is the cry of my very soul. He is the only thing worth having. He is the only One worth giving myself to.

3. having a roommate who makes you get up early, asks you if you've read your bible, and talks to you about hard stuff is a blessing. shelby salley: thank you for the past month.

it can be hard to be the, how do i put this, blacksheep of your family or group of friends. i don't guess i'm really the "blacksheep," but i am the one whose mother calls "mayhem." i have a reputation for being somewhat of a mess. unorganized, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, accident-prone, worst luck, says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, can't censor, free-spirited, never has a plan. that's me. i don't usually get things right. i make messes all over the place - from my bedroom to my heart. i am uber-sensitive and this frequently gets me in trouble. i collect stray dogs. i cry when i see chicken trucks on the way to the slaughter house. i don't enjoy wearing shoes. i'm late a lot. i never make my bed. i spill things. i trip almost every day. i am so passionate about everything and everyone that there is no way for me to bridle that passion into something constructive. i have a tendancy to be wreckless with my emotions and my heart. i drive way too fast. if it hits 60 degrees outside my windows are down and my sunroof open. my ipod ranges from hard, gangsta rap to bluegrass to hymns. i'm not really person you can fit into a box. i'm backwards and unpredictable and confusing and ridiculous. i say things i don't mean, and mean things i'll never say. i would give anything - anything at all - to the people i love. i love til it hurts. i lose shoes, cell phone chargers, and debit cards regularly. i forget things a lot. my purse is a bag of oblivion. i love to stay up late, and i hate getting up early. i oversleep almost every day. i'm not big on authority. i make hastey decisions.

i get it. i really do. i know all of these things about myself. do these things make me proud? not usually. i don't have my life together. not even close. but after my mom told me repeatedly over the weekend (with the buy-ins of my father and brother) that i really need to "get my life organized" and "learn to censor," i'm trying. so far this week i've woken up at 5:45 both days, had a quiet time, made my bed, kept my kitchen clean, gone to bed before midnight, and been early for work. trust me. i know these things are run of the mill to normal people, but to me, it's a pretty big deal. so, dear mom, dad and gray: be excited; i'm getting my life together.