there seems to be no end in sight when you're walking through heartache. if i wasn't hurting before, i certainly am now. after a much needed conversation friday night, the person i care so deeply for and i are going our seperate ways, knowing how much the other cares, but believing that this is the best decision for us both. part of me wanted to fight him and argue about it, because this is not what i want - this is not the outcome i intended when i started this mess nearly three weeks ago. but because i do care about him (dare i go any further than that?), i want him to be happy; and if being happy is walking away from me, then so be it. it's weird to have someone walk into your life that you were totally blindsided by and have them change so much about your life and your heart in a relatively short amount of time. so, i will accept this change with grace, some tears, a lot of frustration with myself, and trusting that everything happens for a reason. jesus doesn't withhold good things.
i made it my goal to read a chapter of acts each day of may. acts is so encouraging and exciting, and i haven't read it through in several years. there are 28 chapters, and 31 days in may, so i figured even if i miss a few days, i'll still be able to finish by the end of the month. i was reading in acts 3 yesterday and found myself completely overwhelmed by what i was reading.
"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” And he took him by the right hand and lifted him up, and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. So he, leaping up, stood and walked and entered the temple with them—walking, leaping, and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God. Then they knew that it was he who sat begging alms at the Beautiful Gate of the temple; and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him." (acts 3:1-10)
this is why i was encouraged:
1. this man had been crippled since birth. all he had known was the ugly deformation of his legs. he sat outside the gate, called "beautiful," everyday, longing to walk through to the temple.
i am that same crippled man. though my legs and feet work just fine, my heart is crippled by heartbreak, sinful desires, wrong choices, disappointments, feeling inadequate, etc. because i live in a fallen world, my heart is twisted and deformed by sin. i see beauty and long for it, but it seems impossible that i would ever attain it.
2. the crippled man begged for crumbs - leftovers - whatever he could get - from anybody who would spare him a few seconds of attention. he might have hoped for more once, but learned to accept whatever was given to him.
i often accept crumbs. i see my situation as dire, and instead of taking all that jesus has to offer me - taking all of jesus himself - i settle for whatever i can get. i take crumbs in the form of what a man is willing to give me in a relationship, fulfillment i find in my job, big dreams that i've now diminished with my "practical" and "rational" thinking. i settle for less, because i don't always trust that my god is a big god with big plans for my little life. i assume heartache and failure, because it's what i've found to be true - and i don't seek jesus for anything beyond that.
3. the man gave peter and john his full attention, and when he did, he didn't get crumbs - he received complete healing: emotional and spiritual and physical.
i fly through prayers and quiet times and church services, expecting little from jesus and as a result, having my heart rarely changed and moved. the crippled man didn't expect anything more than the usual from peter and john. but when he looked at them and gave them his undivided attention, he gazed upon jesus - not two, dirty, poor fisherman. in that moment when he focused on jesus, he received healing. his shame and lonliness were transformed into unspeakable joy and feeling accepted. his deformed legs and feet were made straight and strong. his waivering faith was made firm, because for just one moment he trusted that something amazing could happen - and it did.
4. because of jesus, what had been ugly, deformed, broken, outcast, lonely and hurting, was made new and right, accepted, and healed. what once had to sit outside of the gate called "beautiful," longing to pass through, now leapt for joy inside the gate.
5. godly friends carry you to jesus. the crippled man's friends did the best they knew to do for him: every day they placed him in front of the gate to receive alms. but until peter and john came along, stopped what they were doing, and pointed the man to jesus, nothing ever changed.
i need my friends to point me to jesus when i'm hurting, when i'm sinning, when i'm happy, when i'm scared, when i'm lonely, when my cup runneth over with joy. i need them to always only point me to jesus.
this is my prayer: that i would know that kind of healing (really, that all my soul sisters would know that kind of healing, because who doesn't have some hurts and brokenness that could use fixing?). that i would look to jesus often and for more than a fleeting moment, and expect him to move and heal and fill up and change. that i would stop settling for less than what jesus wants to give me - the fullness of who he is. that i would never stop celebrating the times in the past that i have seen jesus heal and redeem and repair and make new. that i would be faithful to point each of my friends to jesus, no matter where they are or what their hang-up is. that i would stop sitting outside of the gate, but that i would let jesus carry me through every day.
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