finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. i've been working really hard to get over this last heartbreak. yes. i said working. it has been work. it has been exhausting and painful and not fun. but it's beginning to be worth it. what's funny is that a lot of times i think we just say "okay jesus, fix it," without realizing that some times there are things we need to do in order to help fix the problem. for me, i had to take responsibility for my thoughts and emotions. i had to remember that i'm not supposed to allow myself to be trapped by my thoughts - i can't let my mind wonder. when i do, it's fatal. i have to constantly ask jesus to "take every thought captive" (2 corinthians 10:5). if i sit around and wallow in my thoughts, then i have to blame myself: jesus offers a way out, but i have to take it. i've also had to get a hold of my emotions. that directly follows getting my thoughts under control. it i'm sitting around thinking about what i miss, then naturally i get a little sad. i've also realized that it's okay to hurt and feel sad, but it's the attitude that reflects those things which is ugliest. i don't want to have a bad attitude. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to be angry.
another thing i've noticed is that it is SO important to be careful who i surround myself with. so important. i don't really have anything else to say about that, but i'm excited about some new friendships that are forming. encouraging friendships with ladies (and guys) who point me to jesus.
i read a quote this morning that i loved: "don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." while i really don't know why i can't get this person out of my head (or heart), i can't dwell on it - but i don't have to close myself to possibilities in the future. i think keeping an open heart and an open mind to WHATEVER god wants to do in my life is a beautiful but challenging thing. i can be excited and hopeful about whatever it is he wants to do, but i also have to remember that what he does might not be what i want. there's a fine line there, and i haven't quite figured out how to walk it. but i'm learning.
studied acts 4 yesterday. i think i'll try to keep y'all up-to-date with what i'm learning through my journey through acts. i'll break it down for you so you can keep up with where i'm at.
acts 4:
who - peter and john; priests; disciples and other followers
what - peter and john had healed the lame man in acts 3; they were arrested for preaching about jesus; when asked about how they had done it, peter and john carefully explained that it was only through jesus; the priests and rulers could find no fault, because they saw for themselves that the man was healed; they threated peter and john, and told them not to talk about jesus anymore; peter replied that they couldn't do anything else but talk about what they had seen and heard; the believers gathered together to pray, and the holy spirit fell on all of them - their numbers grew by thousands
when - after jesus had returned to heaven; after peter and john healed the lame man
where - jerusalem
why - the most practical thing i took away from this passage was that no matter what the circumstances or where they were or who was questioning them, any time peter and john opened their mouths they shared the gospel. the message never changed. they always only preached christ crucified and resurrected and gave a call to repentance. the message never changed. how often does the message of my life change? based on what i'm going through or where i'm at or what's happened or how out of touch with jesus i've been. i'm ashamed to say pretty often. in fact, i'm embarassed to think of what the message of my life has been the past 3 weeks. definitely not christ and his death and his resurrection and his victory and joy and peace and plan and love.
something else i noticed was that luke clearly says in this chapter that peter and john are uneducated, uneloquent men. they were dumb, dirty fishermen, in fact. but that didn't change their passion for the message of the cross. and it certainly didn't change the message's affect on the hearts that heard it. it's not the vessel, it's the message. it's not me, it's jesus. i need to repeat that often.
the last thing i want to share with you is that when all the believers gathered to pray and worship and fellowship together, after peter and john were released, the first thing they said was "lord, you are god." that's how they started. i had made a note in my bible when i studied this passage previously that said "they acknowledged that god is sovereign." i want my heart's cry every minute of every day to be "lord, you are god." not me. not my way - your way. not my will - your will. not my plans - your plans. not my desires - your desires. lord, YOU are god. that keeps me humble, and it keeps me at jesus' feet - where i need to stay. that phrase reminds me of something i saw on my brother's girlfriend's facebook profile:
"i want god's will, not mine. his blueprints, not my elementary scribbling. god's assignment, not my foolish plan."
lord, you are god. not me.
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