some day

and some day maybe we'll figure all this out
try and put an end to all our doubt
and try to find a way to make things better now
and some day maybe we'll live our lives out loud
we'll be better off somehow
some day
(rob thomas)

remember the light at the end of my tunnel? yeah. it was a mirage.

i spent a glorious four days at edisto with my best friend, and while that seemed to provide some refreshing and renewing, i arrived back in greenville to find that my same old crap was waiting for me. so much for leaving my problems at the shore.

i told my mom this morning that i think i'm going crazy. she assurred me that i'm not going crazy; i'm going through a season. a season that she, too, had been through - along with everybody else - and a season that i may walk through again.

i feel like my life is on a treadmill. i'm running and running and not getting anywhere. had someone special in my life, messed that up, and now i'm back at square one. bought a house, moved out on my own, and now i'm lonely and looking for a roommate. got a great job, have been here two years, and feel i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i'm itching for a change of scenery or pace or faces or SOMETHING. jesus isn't missing - so before you go diagnosing my problem, don't. i'm searching jesus' heart like crazy. i have this weird desire to just move and start over. but then i think about why? why do i want to do that? it's because things aren't going the way i wanted them to. it's because i need to forget about someone i can't forget about. it's because i need to move on. it's because i'm bored. it's because i want more. all that's well and good, but everytime i get to this point in life (and i'm sure it will come again), i can't up and move. i can't start my life over. and really, when i think about it, starting over is only appealing in some aspects. making new friends, finding a new job, finding a new church - not easily done. i don't think i could do that again.

i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to be. i have these huge dreams and no idea how to make them happen. i have a list of things i want to do and see and experience, but no money or means by which to make them happen. so many people's lives are moving forward at what i (once) considered a "normal" pace: college, engagement, house, marriage, LIFE. i, however, do not fit that mold. and that's fine. it's not that i want to be like everybody else. it's just that i thought life would be different. i pictured "sex and the city" (minus the sex), and i ended up with "single in the suburbs." don't get me wrong: i love my life. i am happy. i am blessed beyond what i deserve. i just feel frustrated. i was so excited about a new opportunity that had opened up, only to have it slammed in my face this afternoon - after telling my mom new details about it five minutes before. i cannot for the life of me seem to let go of a relationship that i desperately need to let go of.

i don't know what season this is. i think it's that awkward transition between summer and fall. you don't know what to expect, can't plan what you're going to wear, brace for the unexpected, not too sure what to call it kind of deal. whatever it is: i pass. the only good thing is that it's only a season. here's what i know about seasons: they come and go. they always come again. they can have unexpected surprises. everybody in the world experiences them, just at different times. they all hold some sort of beauty. they are all necessary.

clinging to the truth that "whatever he gives is necessary. nothing he withholds is necessary."