i've heard it all before

trust in the LORD, and lean not on your own understanding.

i cannot tell you how many times i have heard this verse. i think usually i use it to simply make myself feel better about something that's not going my way. but i think god's intent was something a little different.

"trust in the LORD." trust is defined as having faith or confidence in, to believe, to rely on, to hope, expect or wish. in scripture, when you read LORD (capitalized), it means the sovereign lord - the god who knows all, sees all, and is complete control of all things. webster defines sovereign as "one who possesses ultimate authority." i read this part of the verse as believe in, rely on, hope in, and have complete confidence in the god who goes before you and takes care of everything.

"lean not on your own understanding." don't trust yourself. period. don't try to figure things out. don't try to justify or rationalize or explain. don't try to understand. instead, seek god's heart - seek his ways - his thoughts. isaiah 55 tells us that his ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. habakkuk tells us that god is doing something that we will not believe even if he explained us.

i think instead of using this verse to gloss over fears and doubts and confusion, god intended this verse to humble me - to remind me that my ways only lead to crooked paths and dead ends. he wants to remind me that i can't trust my own mind - i can't trust my explanations or reasoning for why things happen or don't happen. and he doesn't want me to. he wants me to trust in his sovereignty - to dig deep into his word and discover his heart, and then move towards understanding HIS ways. the beauty of it is that i don't have to understand. there's no reason for me to. if i'm completely reliant on the god who is before all things and familiar with all things and has a purpose for all things and is constantly working for my good, then there's no need for me to fret and worry over WHY.

i don't have this mastered - trust me. but my heart is crying out for him to help me rely on him and trust his sovereignty. this is a process he's walking me through right now.

another heart lesson the lord is teaching me:

yesterday i went to church at mitchell road presbyterian. i was so encouraged, and i really loved the teaching. the pastor was talking about the hope and promise we have in the resurrection, and how we should be expectant for the day that jesus returns. he said that a lot of times we have the attitude of "i don't jesus to come back until _______." for me, i don't want jesus to come back until i fall in love and get married. feel free to fill in the blank with whatever you're waiting for. then andy said something that pricked my heart: "whatever you put in the blank is an idol." whoa. i know i want to get married really badly, but i've never considered marriage an idol in my life. it absolutely is. falling in love and getting married is an idea - now an idol - that i am holding on to with both hands and my heart so tightly that i'm not sure how to begin to let go. the pastor ended with this statement: "you can't lay hold of the treasure that the lord has for you until you let go of whatever it is that you're holding on to. he won't ask you to let go of something unless there's something better to cling to." i may fall in love and get married. i may not. why hold on to that? there's no treasure in an "if." but there is treasure in jesus - in knowing him, experiencing him, loving him more, enjoying his relentless pursuit of my heart, serving him. those are treasures that i can cling to - treasures that multiply. the only thing jesus calls us to hold tightly to is eternal life (1 timothy 6:12). that's where the treasure is. this idea points me directly back to trusting in the sovereign lord and his ways - not my own.

one last thing jesus is doing in my heart:

i have spent the past week thinking that i messed up a good thing; that i was wrong. how quickly i fall for satan's lies. the truth is, i was obedient. instead of mourning an ending, i should celebrate that (though it took a little longer than it probably should have) i was obedient to christ. there is victory! as i type this jesus is reminding me of a blog i wrote a few weeks back about philippians 4:8. "whatever is true...meditate on these things." i've been meditating on lies. and it has been stealing every ounce of joy from my heart.

like i said, i don't have any of this mastered. but i'm glad to know that even though i'm sinful and i continue to run back to the things i hate and i consistently choose everything else over jesus - he doesn't give up on me. he doesn't choose anything over me.