say anything

diane court: nobody thinks this will work, do they?
lloyd dobler: you just described every great success story.

but whichever way i go
i come back to the place where you are
-peter gabriel

if you haven't already, you need to see say anything. one of the best movies i've ever seen.

rain down, my heart is dry but still i'm singing, rain down

confession:

i am in a wretched mood this morning.

it's raining. and cold. and it's supposed to rain saturday. and i got about 3 hours of decent sleep last night. and i'm tired. and i have to go to a meeting during lunch today.

i'm going to be ill now. good bye.

ps, i am NOT singing this morning. (see post title)

i always forget

lyric of the day:

love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
like why are we here?
where do we go?
and how come it's so hard?
-jack johnson

quote of the day:

it's spring fever. that is what the name of it is. and when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!
-mark twain

and i think to myself: what a wonderful world...

good morning, friends, family, members of the press. hahaha. i've always wanted to start a speech that way, but since i don't give too many speeches (i'm not sure why - i'm pretty important), i thought my blog was the next best thing. it's been too long. a whole three days since i've last updated you on the epic that is My Life.

first, if you have not done so already, please youtube "do the ricky bobby" and TRY not to laugh. it trumps the "stanky leg."

next item on the agenda: crest white strips make my teeth feel like i am constantly eating something really sour that makes my face scrunch up. seriously. is my bright, beautiful, white smile really worth this? indeed it is. beauty is pain, friends.

and finally: yesterday i was reading psalm 56, and verse 9 really struck me. it says "God is for me." i know we hear that all the time, but i have to confess to you that a lot of the time i just don't believe it. sometimes i can have such a wrong view of who God really is that it's just sad. in rare moments when i really get a good look at who he is, i realize that he is loving and patient and kind and good and that his heart's desire is to bless me. i know that it says in psalms somewhere that he only does good things. i know that. and i can recite romans 8:28 with the best of the GA's and VBSers and good, southern baptist kids. but sometimes it's so much easier to believe that certain things are or are not happening because i'm being punished for something i have or have not done. what garbage. why bother even following jesus if all i have to do is worry about him getting mad at me and punishing me when i mess up. because let's face it: i mess up a lot and i would spend my lifetime getting in trouble. the beauty of it is the Truth. the simple truth that jesus died to save me from any and all punishment for my sins - what i have done, what i'm doing, what i will do; what i have not done, what i'm not doing, and what i'm not going to do - is all i need to know. that's the simplest and most wonderful piece of news i could ever be given. because jesus died AS me, my Father God can simply love on me and bless me and do good things in my life because i am chosen, favored, called out, separated, the first fruit of his creation, his delight. that doesn't mean he won't discipline me, but it does mean that he isn't sitting around waiting for me to mess up or not read my bible or make a wrong decision so that he can smite me. trust me, if he wanted to do it, he has already had multiple reasons and opportunities to. this is such a simple truth - it's the very core of the gospel, for crying out loud! but i feel like a huge burden has just been lifted off of me. i know that one day he'll have to teach me this very same lesson again, because i'm a silly sheep, but i hope that he'll help me to cling to this truth with everything i've got.

hm. step one in this life of freedom he wants me to live? i think so.

hello, spring

spring has sprung! thank the Lord. i love this time of year. 80 degrees and sunny = HEAVEN. i believe that the weather in heaven will be just like spring time in sc. and yes. there will be weather in heaven.

not much to blog about today. i worked til 9:30 last night, so i didn't come in until 1:00 today. let me tell you, i could get used to this. i woke up at 9, laid in bed and watched 2 episodes of will and grace, went to the car wash, cleaned out my car, went to wal-mart, worked out, then took a shower and got ready for work. splendid.

also fun today: lindsey came to visit me at work. shout out to her, because i know she's reading this. we were talking about "collaboration between my program and the free clinic." hahaha. yeahhh. or we were talking about things that have been going on this week and what we're going to do tonight (make pizza i think). we actually did sort some of my training evaluations, though. that was real work.

i got my cup dress today (ordered on line at nordstrom.com). oh. my. goodness. it is perfect. fits like a glove, and it's probably my favorite dress i've ever gotten for the cup. very me. i can't wait to wear it. it will also make an appearance and erin and clint's wedding.

in other news, i miss my friend, aaron. he up and joined the army, and he's at boot camp/officer's school right now. he's been gone for a month, and i'm not adjusting. is it september yet? i'm ready for him to come home. i write him random letters about every other day. haha. i know he loves that.

working a 4 day week next week. awesome. 4 days are so much easier than 5. i'm going home thursday night so that i can go get my hair done friday morning and then spend all day with my mom helping her get ready for all the company we're having for the weekend. i'm excited. one of my favorite weekends of the whole year. wish my brother would be there. : (

serious topic of the day: girls are so competitive with each other, even though they would never admit it. myself included. i hate it.

lyric of the day:
cause you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable
life's like an hourglass
glued to the table
and no one can find the rewind button, girl
so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe
just breathe
-anna nalick

kids say the darndest things

a few of my favorites from teaching and babysitting...

jimmy (1st grader): missuuus gardeeeneeerrrr!
me: yes, jimmy?
jimmy: i have a head ache.
me: i'm sorry. me too. why don't you get some water and put your head down on your desk for a minute.
jimmy: i don't think so. because that you are so beeeyoootiful to me, i think you should let me go home.
me: jimmy, you go home in 30 minutes. i think you can make it.
jimmy: but i can't, because the little man inside my head said i have to change my head. and he is talking very loudly.
me: umm. okay. what did he say?
jimmy: that i have to change my name.
me: well, jimmy, what do you have to change your name to?
jimmy: beef wellington.

jimmy: if i could be a girl, i'd want to be just like you, missuss gardener.

elise (4 years old): ashaley! ashaley! ashaley! look at me! ASHALEY! LOOK AT ME!
me (trying to have a conversation): elise, i need you to hush for 2 seconds.
elise: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS, MA'AM!

me: what animal do you know that walks close to the ground on the beach like that?
child: a ghost.

lindsey (5 years old): ashley, i have to pee NOW!
me: okay. hang on 2 seconds. we'll be home in just a minute.
lindsey: ASH, IF I DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE AN EXPLOSION IN MY PANTS!!!

lindsey (flicking off everybody in la fiesta while standing on his seat): I LOVE MY MIDDLE FINGERS!!!!!

feels like today

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fearfor giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say
-JM

this song feels like today; or today feels like this song. happy and content. and i was PUMPED to find "say" as an added track on the new version of "continuum."

so much sacred in the month of june

so i'm studying exodus with my accountability partner (shout out to sara) right now. we're on chapter 4. here's what i've learned from the second half of the chapter thus far:

well first let me give you a quick recap of exodus thus far: pharoah is nuts and tries to kill the hebrew baby boys. moses' mom floats him down the river to save his life, and ultimately pharoah's daughter finds and saves him. he grows up in pharoah's house, and when he is older sees an egyptian beating a hebrew. moses kills the egyptian for hurting one of his brothers. moses runs away, because the egyptians are seeking his life, and becomes a shepherd in midian and marries the priest of midian's daughter. god appears to him in a burning bush and tells him to go back to egypt to rescue the hebrews. moses comes up with a lot of reasons why he shouldn't, but for every excuse he offers, god offers reassurance that he's got it under control.

so: god's providence rules in my life. he always goes before me. always. when he asks me to do something, he's gone before and prepared everything/everybody for me. i've never gone - nor will i ever go - somewhere he hasn't already been. i'll never take a single step alone. just as he guarded moses' life, brought him up in pharoah's house to have a relationship with the very people he would have to demand to release the hebrews, brought him back to a relationship with his brother, aaron who would later be his mouth, provided signs and wonders for him to use to prove that god was in this, etc. etc. etc., he is always in the midst of my life. and not only that, but he sees the whole big picture - start to finish. he knows every detail of what's to come. he knows the ending.

lisa coles led worship at d-now over the weekend, and one of her songs says: "i have you, hold on to me like i'm holding on to you, i have you." teach me to hold on to you like that, jesus.

quote of the day: "this heart didn't come with instructions." -john mayer

monday morning confessions

1. i detest this weather. cold and wet. i don't like cold, wet things. except for snow. and this is definitely NOT snow.
2. i took a 2 hour nap yesterday, and i slept through my alarm for 1 1/2 hours this morning.
3. i really want to live in nashville. all of a sudden saturday night i just got this overwhelming feeling that i wanted to move. which is ridiculous, because i'm so happy where i am. but someday, i want to live in nashville.
4. i need $1900 ASAP to go to tokyo on a mission trip this summer. i have no idea where it's going to come from.
5. yesterday i ate a hamburger for the first time in a year. it was good. now i don't need to eat another one until 2010 sometime.
6. i love my apartment. i mean seriously, it's the cutest little home.
7. i am learning a lot right now. mostly about how i don't need to compare my life to anybody else's (credit mrs. krause for reminding me of this a while back); god's timing is completely perfect (for everything - not just big things); and i can absolutely trust him (read exodus 4 and then see number 4). i feel like these are lessons he has to teach me over and over. i'm just a sheep, though. thank goodness he's a patient shepherd.
8. i like the number 8. i also like 4 and 10.
9. i am going to see duke play in the second round of the ncaa basketball tournament on saturday. i am PUMPED. i love basketball.
10. twilight comes out on dvd on saturday. i will own it as soon as i return from greensboro on sunday. and elizabeth and i will be hosting a twilight viewing party sunday night.
11. seventh grade is an interesting age. fun and sweet in it's own way, but tough.
12. i cannot stand it when people don't pay attention when i'm talking to them. not that what i am saying is that important, but be respectful people.
13. i thouroughly enjoy eating out. and it's totally cheaper for one person to eat out than it is to buy groceries for a bunch of meals i don't eat enough to get my money's worth of.
14. i spent $60 on john mayer cd's over the weekend.
15. because my skin is basically see-through right now, i will be going to get a spray tan next week before the cup.
16. i tried liquid eye liner this morning for the first time in my life. oh dear. this is going to take some practice.
17. my room is a complete and utter disaster area right now. perhaps because i have been gone for the past 4 weekends and will also be gone for the next 2.
18. i love cereal. right now there are 10 boxes in my pantry. no lie.
19. i've enjoyed my short hair, but i'm ready for it to grow out again. hopefully it will be super long by the time katie's wedding rolls around.
20. i genuinely love to sleep. it doesn't matter if i'm tired or not. i could nap all day.
21. my car is also a complete and utter disaster area right now. see 17b.
22. i have not talked to my brother in a week.
23. i burned off my cowlick with my straightener. yeahhh.
24. i have a problem with plain band-aids. right now i have disney princess tatoo ones.
25. i love gingerale.

it's a bittersweet symphony

life is weird. and confusing. and sometimes it's just hard. my mom sent me this forward this morning:

A Brand-New Ending

"To keep understanding is to prosper." Proverbs 19:8

Ordinarily people talk about a brand-new beginning, but the beginning is just a means to get to the ending. Spiritual writers like Neville have said that we must see from the end. This makes tremendous sense, in order to get to the end we must envision it, and walk towards it. We must not allow distractions to get in our way.

A successful racehorse has blinders on. The successful racehorse does not worry about the other horses, but only runs his own race which is against only himself.

No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
God didn't promise days without pain and laughter, or without sorrow, sun, and without rain, but God did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Disappointments are like road bumps; they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards.
Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!

When you> feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you.

When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.

You can't make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take his or her place. Friendship is like wine; it gets better as it grows older.

If your life isn't exactly what you want right now, it is time to start a brand-new ending.

The five simple rules to start a brand-new ending:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

no man is an island

i am the only single person in the world!! oh my gosh!! this has got to stop!!

okay i feel better now. but seriously. i don't mind being single, but just because i don't mind it doesn't give everybody else permission to go off and meet somebody and LEAVE ME!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

deep breath.

and i'm good.

sorry about that.

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

it is a beautiful thing to be able to look back on a relationship that ultimately hurt you with joy and fond memories. i can finally do that. it's a relief to remember good times and funny moments, although sometimes the inevitable dark cloud of reality shadows them. at least now i remember them. for a while i had completely blocked out a year and a half of my life. now i remember, and although there is fleeting joy in remembering the fun, there is still hurt and sadness over the loss of a friend and still confusion over the inside jokes and laughs over things that were not real. i came across something yesterday with the name "rhett" in it from two years ago. it was a weird feeling. kind of like a twinge of happiness and ache and fondness and loss and love and sadness all at the same time. which is weird, considering. i'm not sure when those feelings will stop, but the thing that keeps me hopeful (and sane) is that edges of those feelings are less sharp than they were last year. they don't pierce near like what they used to. and for that, i'm thankful.

now that i've bored you with my melodrama, let me share some verses from psalm 37 with you:

trust in the lord and do good
dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness
delight yourself in the lord
and he shall give you the desires of your heart
commit your way to the lord
and he shall bring it to pass
he shall bring forth your righteousness as the light
and your justice as the noon day
rest in the lord and wait patiently for him...
...do not fret - it only causes harm
(verses 3-7a and 8b)

what really captures me is "feed on his faithfulness." another version talks about enjoying the pasture. naturally, i think of cows grazing out in a green pasture with wide open blue skies and puffy white clouds rolling by. cows graze all day. they eat slowly, at their leisure, whenever they want. that's how god wants us to enjoy is faithfulness. to graze on it all day long. to enjoy it. to rest in it. what promises are found in these verses! he will give me the desires of my heart (when my desires have become like his); he will bring my plans to fruition (when my plans are shaped like his); he will make me holy like himself! beautiful.

heavenly sunshine

sunshine is delicious. rain is refreshing. wind braces us up. snow is exhilerating. there's really no such thing as bad weather, just different kinds of good weather.

-john ruskin

i completely agree. but let me just say here and now that the weather we have had the past 5 or so days has been PERFECT. i would take 80 degrees and a clear blue sky with sunshine any day of the year. there is something about this weather that makes me feel so happy and so content and so...ALIVE! i love it. i love driving with my windows down and my sunroof open and my arm hanging out the window blasting my favorite music. i don't even care if my hair gets messed up from getting tangled up by the wind. i love how the breeze makes it cool, but the sunshine shooting down from my sunroof makes my shoulders and face and the tops of my legs warm. i love reading on my porch in the evenings when i get home from work. i love wearing my cute, spring dresses to work everyday. i love that it's actually fun to be outside right now - it's not too cold, and it's not too hot. i love that nighttime is still cool enough to throw on a sweatshirt and sit outside and look at the stars. which brings me to my next point.

when i look at the stars i feel like myself.

-switchfoot

so true. i pretty much feel like "ashley" all the time, but if you know me, then you know i love the stars (don't be fooled by the failing grade i took in astronomy sophomore year). i mean, i LOVE the stars. i hang my head out the window at night (of a moving car) to stare at them. i frequently stop in the middle of parking lots to gaze up at the sky. i truly love them. and i think, in a way, i really do feel more like myself when i gawk at them. i realize how small i am, and how big God is. i mean, He is BIG. i'm insignificant, and umimportant, and pretty transient. BUT (and what an i mportant but it is), God loves me. oh, He loves me! i am valuable, and i am treasured, and He delights in me, and He desires me! God made all of the glorious creation i see, and it does exactly what it should do: it points to Him; it brings Him glory. but then he made me, and although the thing i do best is mess up my life, He loves me and i'm chosen and called out and blessed and favored! incredible.

feelin' kinda sunday

i feel kind of weird lately. kind of out of sorts. it boils down to one thought, and you're probably going to get mad at me and think i'm a pagan and that i've lost my mind. that's fine. you're entitled to your opinion. but at some point, you've probably felt like i do right now - you just weren't pagan enough to admit it. and let me credit "a scandalous freedom" right quick for sparking these feelings in me. so here it goes:

i am so sick of christianity.

now before you get all up in arms and start praying for me and for the purging of my soul, i am not over god my father or jesus christ or what he did for me. that's NOT what i'm saying, and if you go tell somebody that's what i said, then you are a liar. i'm just tired of the routine. i'm tired of living life the way i live it because i think that's how i'm supposed to live. i'm tired of stepping around on eggshells around christians and non-christians alike. i'm tired to reading my bible most days because i "have" to. i'm tired of sitting in bible studies talking about superficial, sunday school topics that i've memorized. i'm tired of hearing christians say "god is in control," "i'm praying for you," and "the lord has a plan," because we all know that a lot of times these things become our excuses for not doing jack squat. i'm tired of non-moving christianity that never changes. this is absolutely NOT what god had in mind.

i know that this is my own problem, but i do think that society's "christianity" is partially to blame. we try so hard to be christians, that we stop letting jesus make us like himself. let's just be honest: i can't make myself do anything differently or change my heart or even just act the right way. so what have i done about this? well, quite honestly: i read my bible last night for the first time in a week and a half. i had a real, honest talk with the lord for the first time in the same amount of time. i didn't read my bible or pray, because i didn't want to do it out of habit or guilt or fear. and those are the reasons i would have been doing it. so i just didn't. and you know what? it was liberating. take that for being a pagan.

so what did i tell jesus during this talk? that i was sick of being a christian. that i was tired of being tired from trying so hard. that i was sick of reading my bible and praying. that i was completely over striving to act the right way. and part of me was cringing the whole time i was saying these things, because you're certainly not supposed to say those things to jesus, but you know what? i think jesus was screaming "FINALLY!!" i think he was rejoicing that i was finally realizing how enslaved i've become to christianity. paul never once writes that he's a bondservant of religion or of christianity or of routine or of reading his bible or of prayer. he's a bondservant of CHRIST. and jesus tells us that his yoke is easy and light. so obviously i haven't been a bondservant of his, because the yoke i've been carrying has been pretty heavy. but, i've laid it down. actually, i more like pitched a fit and threw it down, but whatever.

honestly: i don't feel all that different. i still feel a little guilty about my attitude and my actions, and i still feel part of myself trying to squeeze me back into that little box of "this is what you do and this is how you act." but i just keep asking jesus to help me focus on him. to help me let him love me and to help me love him back. if i just let him love me - really let him love me - then i can't help but just be consumed by him and captivated by him and fall in love with him. and that's when life changes. not when i'm running myself ragged doing all the right things and trying to be all the right things.

so i quit. i'm not doing it anymore. i'm not doing things because i think i have to. if i'm not doing it out of love - as a response to the love i receive - i'm not doing it all. and that might sound like an excuse to be lazy (and not actually do anything), but i know that the lord loves me enough to change me so that i love him more and more and more and so that i want to respond to his great love. i'm not living by routine and religion and church talk and saying the right things and doing the right things anymore. because the truth is, i just don't really care what you think. i'm not measuring myself by what you do or don't do, by what the church says is right or wrong, or anything else. my goal is jesus. it's as simple as that: i should look like jesus. and i'm not getting there doing it the way i'm "supposed" to. i'm shaking up my relationship with him, and i'm not going to try anymore. when i strive, i completely void what he did on the cross. if i have to try, there is no point to what he did. he came and did because i can't. i simply can't.

phew. i feel better already. but if you are living the same way i was living, i hope you don't feel better. i hope you feel uncomfortable and offended. and i hope jesus helps you to even just glimpse of the freedom he's offering, so that you can give up with me. this is about to be exciting. : )

ps i forgot

quote/lyric of the day:

so we are his portion, and he is our prize
drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
if grace is an ocean we're all sinking
so heaven meets earth and it's just like a kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
i don't have the time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
he loves us
oh, how he loves us
oh, he loves us
oh how he loves

don't tell me that doesn't move your heart.

a few of my favorite things...

to see:
1. my family
2. candles in windows
3. tigers run down the hill
4. stars, stars, and more stars
5. sunshine

to smell:
1. fresh flowers
2. salty air at the beach
3. that burning smell of fall
4. hamburgers on the grill
5. romance by ralph lauren

to taste:
1. strawberries
2. sweet tea
3. macaroni and cheese
4. mom's homemade lasagna
5. dad's swedish meatballs and homemade mashed potatoes

to hear:
1. tiger rag in death valley
2. victory in jesus
3. john mayer. period.
4. christmas music for the first time (usually right after halloween)
5. a song i've been waiting to hear on the radio

to visit:
1. clemson
2. camden
3. the beach
4. houston
5. charleston

to do:
1. dance
2. read
3. watch movies
4. sleep
5. road trip

in your atmosphere

i've decided to try something different. because i'm obsessed with lyrics and quotes and the likes, i'm going to post them on my blog. whatever i've come across for that day. i just bought a cd from matchbox 20 (number 2 on my list), and found the following lyrics:

tell me how we're gonna make it last

you're ready to fly

i'm ready to crash

don't go

-cold

life ain't no beauty show

we don't know where tomorrow ends

and when we're sad it's kind of a drag

-all i need

and my favorite:

it hits you so much harder

than you ever thought it would

but you don't worry

cause you got soul

-soul

also, if you're wondering, i have a list of top 3 all time favorite musicians. they are as follows: john mayer, matchbox 20, and coldplay. 9 times out of 10 john mayer/matchbox are playing in my car. sometimes coldplay, but i reserve them for times when i need them. and yes - sometimes i need coldplay.

wrestlemania

"need and struggle are what excite and inspire us."

-william james

i used to think that my goal in life was to be happy and content all the time - that that was the mark of somebody walking closely with jesus. now i have realized that that is no life at all. where's the living if i'm never challenged or confused or frustrated? since i take advantage of the opportunity to be completely honest when i write here, i'm going to share with you what's going on in my life right now. last night i was watching the finale of the bachelor (the second finale, that is - thank you, abc), when lo and behold, the host introduced jillian (a previous contestant on the bachelor) as the next bachelorette. i thought to myself, and then consequently said out loud: "how ridiculous. who wants to fall in love not in real life? that's not really love." after i thought about this for a second, i quickly realized, oh yeah, i know that to be true - love that's not in real life isn't real and ends in heartbreak. i was so angry at myself after i had that thought. why do i always think about something that happened in my past? why does it affect me so much? why can't i just forget everything that reminds me about it? this began a great struggle between me and the lord that hasn't ended yet.

when i was safe in the solitude of my own car, i started asking god all of these questions. i don't understand. why do i still struggle with this? why do i still hurt? why can't i just shake it off? why do i feel like you want me to share my story if remembering can be so uncomfortable? i don't have any clear-cut answers, but there are some things that he was gracious enough to help me see. the most important thing i realized is that the event and the trauma it caused me has multiple layers. the quick-fix of a band-aid isn't going to cut it for this wound. it's been almost two years, but only now am i beginning to see how i've gone through phases. kind of like an onion - there are a lot of layers to peel back before you get to the good part (well, i don't really like onions, so to the edible part, at least). i've been angry, i've been sad, i've felt loss, and sometimes i've felt all of those. i don't know why it happened, i don't know why i struggle with it so much, and i don't know why god can't just zap it out of my memory, and that frustrates me to no end. i don't WANT to be reminded of it or of a person who isn't real. somebody told me in high school: we try to zap ourselves out of uncomfortable, painful situations and emotions super quickly - but we don't realize that staying in it, sticking it out, exploring it, and letting jesus deal with it is what we need. i don't really know what this means for me, other than i need to cut myself some slack, and understand that healing takes time. and i need other people to cut me some slack, too. be sensitive. i'm not a drama queen, but sometimes i just need to sort things out and talking about it helps. yes - STILL.

next struggle: i've just kind of been wrestling with god over some random things lately. japan. marriage. dating. freedom. i'm reading scandalous freedom for a class i'm taking at church (holler back brushy creek), and it's challeged the HECK out of me. i would like to blame this book, actually, for the source of this struggle. when i've really thought about being free, i think about how i'm free to choose. how i'm free to not do what god wants, i'm free to marry whoever i want/date whoever i want, do whatever i want. and part of me, you better believe, wants to do just that: whatever. i. want. i don't have any definite decisions to make right now, but i may have to make some in the near future (there are some things brewing), and when i think about what i would do - i WANT to say have thine own way, god, but when i think about this freedom that he's given me, it just makes it this struggle that i'm not used to.

i realize that this blog is probably confusing and you can't really follow what i'm thinking about. i am extremely thankful and kind of just in awe of my god who allows me this freedom and this struggle. he's okay with me wrestling with him and asking him questions and basically just fighting him on stuff. obviously he wants me in his will, but the struggle before i submit - he's okay with that. and i think that's interesting. i'm not used to feeling like it's okay for me to struggle. i grew up in a church where i was supposed to have it all together and have this perfect walk with christ that never faltered. that's garbage. this struggle, this constant struggle between me and jesus - THIS means that i'm walking with him. that i'm fighting to know his will and to make his will my own. i'm walking closely enough with him to know his will, and i know my own sinful self well enough to know that it's not always (or even usually) the thing i want to do. i think life is found in the struggle. and it's kind of beautiful, in a way, to think about it like that. in the moments where i'm restless and unsettled, that's when i challenge what i've always known to be true. and if even in the struggle, jesus loves me and is gentle and patient, and probably even laughs at me, then what i believe is definitely true. the reality is a lot of the time, i really want it my way, and even more disgusting than that: i would choose my way over his. but the saving grace in my story of adultery is that he loves me too much to ever let me go. i might struggle and fight against him, but even in the struggle i'm safe.

okay i tried to wrap this blog up about 20 lines ago, but i'm serious this time. i'm sure you think i'm crazy and that i'm a condemnable sinner (you are right). that probably doesn't make any sense, but it's just kind of the outpouring of my heart/head right now. so even though i'm kind of wrestling with god, i know that's okay - and i feel all the more joyful, and grateful, and hopeful, and alive for it.

i was just reminded of moses, abraham, david, job, and jonah. if you don't know why, go read their stories.

when crickets cry

i have read more in the past few months than i have in a long time. and i love it. i'd forgotten how much i genuinely love to read. mrs. krause has recommended several of the books that i've read, and i just finished "when crickets cry" upon her recommendation. it was wonderful. it was also strange for me to read. three characters in the book, emma, annie, and reese suffer from a heart condition called atrial septal defect. guess who else has asd? me. emma and annie both have severe cases of the condition, while reese's is manageable and doesn't really affect him. my condition is like his. for those of you wondering what asd is: when you're in the womb, your oxygen comes through your mother's blood. there is a hole between the top two chambers of the heart, allowing blood to flow between the chambers, because there is no need to regulate where the oxygen-rich and oxygen-poor blood goes. the hole is supposed to close up after birth, and in some cases (like mine) it doesn't. this can be a problem for a couple of reasons: more oxygen-poor blood is circulating throughout your body (making it difficult to breathe, making you tired), the hole can enlarge and create really big problems, and clots can occur if the blood isn't thin enough. in my case, the hole is tiny, and i rarely experience any side effects. i take an aspirin every day to keep my blood thin. i also have something called atrial septal aneurysm. that sounds very scary, but it just means that because of the asd, the wall between the top two chambers of my heart bulges out - a lot. it only becomes a real problem if there is leakage between the two chambers. in my case, there doesn't appear to be. because of the asd and asa, i have to take the aspirin, and anytime i have any procedure (having my teeth cleaned at the dentist, having my finger pricked - whatever it is), i have to take heavy duty antibiotics the week of the procedure, to ensure that i don't get an infection and spread the infection throughout my blood. it gets better. there is a part of your heart called the sinus node. the sinus node controlls the electrical currents in your heart that keep it beating and the rhythm in which it beats. sometimes my sinus node gets confused and causes my heart to skip a beat and jump in to an erratic and super fast (like scary fast) pulse rate. this hasn't happened for a while (thank God), but when it does it's pretty scary. it usually happens after i run or do any kind of cardio activity, although it's happened after climbing a few stairs. it doesn't become a problem unless my heart beat doesn't change back to a regular pulse. fortunately, that hasn't ever happened.

so all that said, it was a little weird for me to read a book where one of the characters dies from atrial septal defect, and where another nearly dies from the same thing. for a long time i lived in constant fear of my heart conditions, always worried that i was just going to drop dead. that sounds ridiculous, but when you have no idea any of this is going on in your body until you're 20 years old, it's pretty scary. thankfully, my conditions are not life threatening, and are completely manageable with aspirin, regular visits to the cardiologist, antibiotics, and knowing my heart. most of the time i forget i even have any of these problems, because they just don't bother me. that wasn't the case in the beginning though. i made myself sick with worry over the possibility of needing a heart transplant, having a heart attack, or rupturing the aneurysm in my heart. my cardiologist reminded me time and time again that i was okay and that i was not going to have any complications, and that i could do anything and everything that i want to do.

although i don't usually worry about my heart anymore, sometimes i still think "i wish i just had a new heart," because then i'd have nothing to worry about ever. a verse that "when crickets cry" uses over and over is ezekiel 36:26:

"moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."

i LOVE that verse. it reminds me that God is holding my heart in His hand, but also that He can fix my physical heart and my spiritual heart. it also reminds me of another verse, psalm 73:26:

"my heart and my flesh may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

i'm so thankful that the hole in my heart wasn't just a tiny bit bigger, and that it hasn't caused life-threatening problems for me as it does for some. God's providence in my life is unbelievable. i should have a cheerful heart all the time.