feelin' kinda sunday

i feel kind of weird lately. kind of out of sorts. it boils down to one thought, and you're probably going to get mad at me and think i'm a pagan and that i've lost my mind. that's fine. you're entitled to your opinion. but at some point, you've probably felt like i do right now - you just weren't pagan enough to admit it. and let me credit "a scandalous freedom" right quick for sparking these feelings in me. so here it goes:

i am so sick of christianity.

now before you get all up in arms and start praying for me and for the purging of my soul, i am not over god my father or jesus christ or what he did for me. that's NOT what i'm saying, and if you go tell somebody that's what i said, then you are a liar. i'm just tired of the routine. i'm tired of living life the way i live it because i think that's how i'm supposed to live. i'm tired of stepping around on eggshells around christians and non-christians alike. i'm tired to reading my bible most days because i "have" to. i'm tired of sitting in bible studies talking about superficial, sunday school topics that i've memorized. i'm tired of hearing christians say "god is in control," "i'm praying for you," and "the lord has a plan," because we all know that a lot of times these things become our excuses for not doing jack squat. i'm tired of non-moving christianity that never changes. this is absolutely NOT what god had in mind.

i know that this is my own problem, but i do think that society's "christianity" is partially to blame. we try so hard to be christians, that we stop letting jesus make us like himself. let's just be honest: i can't make myself do anything differently or change my heart or even just act the right way. so what have i done about this? well, quite honestly: i read my bible last night for the first time in a week and a half. i had a real, honest talk with the lord for the first time in the same amount of time. i didn't read my bible or pray, because i didn't want to do it out of habit or guilt or fear. and those are the reasons i would have been doing it. so i just didn't. and you know what? it was liberating. take that for being a pagan.

so what did i tell jesus during this talk? that i was sick of being a christian. that i was tired of being tired from trying so hard. that i was sick of reading my bible and praying. that i was completely over striving to act the right way. and part of me was cringing the whole time i was saying these things, because you're certainly not supposed to say those things to jesus, but you know what? i think jesus was screaming "FINALLY!!" i think he was rejoicing that i was finally realizing how enslaved i've become to christianity. paul never once writes that he's a bondservant of religion or of christianity or of routine or of reading his bible or of prayer. he's a bondservant of CHRIST. and jesus tells us that his yoke is easy and light. so obviously i haven't been a bondservant of his, because the yoke i've been carrying has been pretty heavy. but, i've laid it down. actually, i more like pitched a fit and threw it down, but whatever.

honestly: i don't feel all that different. i still feel a little guilty about my attitude and my actions, and i still feel part of myself trying to squeeze me back into that little box of "this is what you do and this is how you act." but i just keep asking jesus to help me focus on him. to help me let him love me and to help me love him back. if i just let him love me - really let him love me - then i can't help but just be consumed by him and captivated by him and fall in love with him. and that's when life changes. not when i'm running myself ragged doing all the right things and trying to be all the right things.

so i quit. i'm not doing it anymore. i'm not doing things because i think i have to. if i'm not doing it out of love - as a response to the love i receive - i'm not doing it all. and that might sound like an excuse to be lazy (and not actually do anything), but i know that the lord loves me enough to change me so that i love him more and more and more and so that i want to respond to his great love. i'm not living by routine and religion and church talk and saying the right things and doing the right things anymore. because the truth is, i just don't really care what you think. i'm not measuring myself by what you do or don't do, by what the church says is right or wrong, or anything else. my goal is jesus. it's as simple as that: i should look like jesus. and i'm not getting there doing it the way i'm "supposed" to. i'm shaking up my relationship with him, and i'm not going to try anymore. when i strive, i completely void what he did on the cross. if i have to try, there is no point to what he did. he came and did because i can't. i simply can't.

phew. i feel better already. but if you are living the same way i was living, i hope you don't feel better. i hope you feel uncomfortable and offended. and i hope jesus helps you to even just glimpse of the freedom he's offering, so that you can give up with me. this is about to be exciting. : )