let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

it is a beautiful thing to be able to look back on a relationship that ultimately hurt you with joy and fond memories. i can finally do that. it's a relief to remember good times and funny moments, although sometimes the inevitable dark cloud of reality shadows them. at least now i remember them. for a while i had completely blocked out a year and a half of my life. now i remember, and although there is fleeting joy in remembering the fun, there is still hurt and sadness over the loss of a friend and still confusion over the inside jokes and laughs over things that were not real. i came across something yesterday with the name "rhett" in it from two years ago. it was a weird feeling. kind of like a twinge of happiness and ache and fondness and loss and love and sadness all at the same time. which is weird, considering. i'm not sure when those feelings will stop, but the thing that keeps me hopeful (and sane) is that edges of those feelings are less sharp than they were last year. they don't pierce near like what they used to. and for that, i'm thankful.

now that i've bored you with my melodrama, let me share some verses from psalm 37 with you:

trust in the lord and do good
dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness
delight yourself in the lord
and he shall give you the desires of your heart
commit your way to the lord
and he shall bring it to pass
he shall bring forth your righteousness as the light
and your justice as the noon day
rest in the lord and wait patiently for him...
...do not fret - it only causes harm
(verses 3-7a and 8b)

what really captures me is "feed on his faithfulness." another version talks about enjoying the pasture. naturally, i think of cows grazing out in a green pasture with wide open blue skies and puffy white clouds rolling by. cows graze all day. they eat slowly, at their leisure, whenever they want. that's how god wants us to enjoy is faithfulness. to graze on it all day long. to enjoy it. to rest in it. what promises are found in these verses! he will give me the desires of my heart (when my desires have become like his); he will bring my plans to fruition (when my plans are shaped like his); he will make me holy like himself! beautiful.