wrestlemania

"need and struggle are what excite and inspire us."

-william james

i used to think that my goal in life was to be happy and content all the time - that that was the mark of somebody walking closely with jesus. now i have realized that that is no life at all. where's the living if i'm never challenged or confused or frustrated? since i take advantage of the opportunity to be completely honest when i write here, i'm going to share with you what's going on in my life right now. last night i was watching the finale of the bachelor (the second finale, that is - thank you, abc), when lo and behold, the host introduced jillian (a previous contestant on the bachelor) as the next bachelorette. i thought to myself, and then consequently said out loud: "how ridiculous. who wants to fall in love not in real life? that's not really love." after i thought about this for a second, i quickly realized, oh yeah, i know that to be true - love that's not in real life isn't real and ends in heartbreak. i was so angry at myself after i had that thought. why do i always think about something that happened in my past? why does it affect me so much? why can't i just forget everything that reminds me about it? this began a great struggle between me and the lord that hasn't ended yet.

when i was safe in the solitude of my own car, i started asking god all of these questions. i don't understand. why do i still struggle with this? why do i still hurt? why can't i just shake it off? why do i feel like you want me to share my story if remembering can be so uncomfortable? i don't have any clear-cut answers, but there are some things that he was gracious enough to help me see. the most important thing i realized is that the event and the trauma it caused me has multiple layers. the quick-fix of a band-aid isn't going to cut it for this wound. it's been almost two years, but only now am i beginning to see how i've gone through phases. kind of like an onion - there are a lot of layers to peel back before you get to the good part (well, i don't really like onions, so to the edible part, at least). i've been angry, i've been sad, i've felt loss, and sometimes i've felt all of those. i don't know why it happened, i don't know why i struggle with it so much, and i don't know why god can't just zap it out of my memory, and that frustrates me to no end. i don't WANT to be reminded of it or of a person who isn't real. somebody told me in high school: we try to zap ourselves out of uncomfortable, painful situations and emotions super quickly - but we don't realize that staying in it, sticking it out, exploring it, and letting jesus deal with it is what we need. i don't really know what this means for me, other than i need to cut myself some slack, and understand that healing takes time. and i need other people to cut me some slack, too. be sensitive. i'm not a drama queen, but sometimes i just need to sort things out and talking about it helps. yes - STILL.

next struggle: i've just kind of been wrestling with god over some random things lately. japan. marriage. dating. freedom. i'm reading scandalous freedom for a class i'm taking at church (holler back brushy creek), and it's challeged the HECK out of me. i would like to blame this book, actually, for the source of this struggle. when i've really thought about being free, i think about how i'm free to choose. how i'm free to not do what god wants, i'm free to marry whoever i want/date whoever i want, do whatever i want. and part of me, you better believe, wants to do just that: whatever. i. want. i don't have any definite decisions to make right now, but i may have to make some in the near future (there are some things brewing), and when i think about what i would do - i WANT to say have thine own way, god, but when i think about this freedom that he's given me, it just makes it this struggle that i'm not used to.

i realize that this blog is probably confusing and you can't really follow what i'm thinking about. i am extremely thankful and kind of just in awe of my god who allows me this freedom and this struggle. he's okay with me wrestling with him and asking him questions and basically just fighting him on stuff. obviously he wants me in his will, but the struggle before i submit - he's okay with that. and i think that's interesting. i'm not used to feeling like it's okay for me to struggle. i grew up in a church where i was supposed to have it all together and have this perfect walk with christ that never faltered. that's garbage. this struggle, this constant struggle between me and jesus - THIS means that i'm walking with him. that i'm fighting to know his will and to make his will my own. i'm walking closely enough with him to know his will, and i know my own sinful self well enough to know that it's not always (or even usually) the thing i want to do. i think life is found in the struggle. and it's kind of beautiful, in a way, to think about it like that. in the moments where i'm restless and unsettled, that's when i challenge what i've always known to be true. and if even in the struggle, jesus loves me and is gentle and patient, and probably even laughs at me, then what i believe is definitely true. the reality is a lot of the time, i really want it my way, and even more disgusting than that: i would choose my way over his. but the saving grace in my story of adultery is that he loves me too much to ever let me go. i might struggle and fight against him, but even in the struggle i'm safe.

okay i tried to wrap this blog up about 20 lines ago, but i'm serious this time. i'm sure you think i'm crazy and that i'm a condemnable sinner (you are right). that probably doesn't make any sense, but it's just kind of the outpouring of my heart/head right now. so even though i'm kind of wrestling with god, i know that's okay - and i feel all the more joyful, and grateful, and hopeful, and alive for it.

i was just reminded of moses, abraham, david, job, and jonah. if you don't know why, go read their stories.