in keeping with my theme...

i thought i'd continue to celebrate my john mayer birthday by posting john mayer lyrics every day up until the day of his concert in charlotte - on july 16th - that i am going to!

i found these lyrics today, and i've never heard this song. it's pretty rare to find a john song that i don't know, but it's one that will quickly become a favorite. just read these words:

i can feel your body
when i'm lying in my bed
there's too much confusion
running round through my head

it's making me so angry
to know the flame will always burn
when will i get over?
when will i ever learn - ever learn?

old love, leave me alone
old love, go on home

i can see your face
but i know that it's not real
just an illusion caused by
how i used to feel

and it's making me so angry
knowing the flame will always burn
when will i get over?
when will i ever learn - ever learn?

old love, leave me alone
old love, go on home
-"old love"

some how that man knows exactly how to say things i need to say and want to say but don't know how to.

liar, liar, pants on fire

let me just say that i think liars are disgusting people. i know that i have told lies before - we all have. i know that i can exaggerate, and i know that that is wrong. but people who are sneaky and manipulative and talk out of both sides of their mouths are incredibly dangerous. i've experienced first hand just how quickly they can destroy relationships and lives. recently i've run into some other situations where this type of person prevailed, and it makes me sick. it is appalling to me that people think they can just fabricate stories, be two-faced and sneaky and get away with it. sure, you might get away with it for a little while, but newsflash: the crap always hits the fan, honey. in dealing with one such person lately, i have learned that i need to be aware of their intentions and not be surprised by their actions. it's no surprise that one day they're sucking up to you, calling to check on you, telling you how much they care about you, and the next day they're saying hateful things, hanging up on you, and completely twisting stories to make you look bad. my favorite is when in a matter of five minutes they belittle you and then update their facebook status to some bible verse. love it.

sorry for that little rant, but honestly, people. what goes around comes around. maybe not now, maybe not in a year - but it ALWAYS comes around.

that leads me to my next point: i don't ever want to resemble that type of person. i know we all have our moments, but i desire integrity. i want to be the same person no matter who i'm around. i want to be 100% truthful - even when it's painful and hard. i want to defend the good in people, never throwing them under the bus. i want to choose to trust jesus, rather than trying to manipulate situations or people to have my way and to look better.

and that, of course, leads me to my next point: i need to be very, very careful who i surround myself with. don't get me wrong, i have great friends - all different types of friends who fill different roles in my life. lately, though, i've seen the repercussions of surrounding myself with people who do not build me up or encourage me in christ. it's not a pretty sight. and while i know that there are people in my life that i love and that i can continue to be friends with, i also know that i need to be more intentional about developing relationships with solid, godly friends who love me, hold me accountable, and build me up.

i am thankful beyond thankful beyond thankful for sara maria giffin. what a blessing she is. she has said this for a long time, but i'm really beginning to realize that it is so true: we share the same heart. it's such a relief to tell her something i don't really want to tell her - something i'm struggling with - only to hear her say that she is struggling with the same thing. THIS is why james 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another - there is healing in confession and repentance. it's good to know i'm not the only one dealing with the things i'm dealing with. last night in my kitchen, over salad and a bottle of reisling, i saw a glimpse of the body being the body. two sisters in christ, sharing a meal, praying together, and talking about our hurts and hang-ups and sins and ever-so-small victories. somehow, sara just gets everything i say and think and feel and try to articulate. thank you, jesus, for soul sisters.

and now, on to my favorite time of the day: lyric time!!!

cause i can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
so i can say this is the way that i used to be
there's no substitute for time
(jm)

love.

sometimes the only way is jumping...

i hope you're not afraid of heights.
(gavin degraw)

i am doing something for myself tomorrow. it's really not that big of a deal, but in some ways, it is a REALLY big deal! i'm pretty nervous about it, but it's a step i need to take for ME. most of the time i think about others so much that what i actually want gets ignored. my daddy says i'm a doormat. i do my best to accommodate others. i think about others before i make decisions.** but tomorrow, i'm doing something for myself. something fun. something i need to do to move forward.

**obviously i don't do this ALL the time, as i say hurtful things and can have a pretty selfish attitude sometimes. but, when it comes to what i do, where i go, what i give - i usually put others before myself.

a little more john mayer

some great lyrics i rediscovered today:

see, i refuse to believe
that my life's gonna be
just some string of incompletes

you know my obsession with lyrics. most of my favorite lyrics are by secular artists. what does this teach me? that people are the same. as different as we are, we ALL have the same questions, same desires, same hurts, same victories. granted, they may come in different forms, but we all struggle with the same things. hm. this is interesting to consider as i think about my current frustration with the human race as a whole.

a very john mayer birthday

what a GREAT weekend!

friday night i kicked off birthday weekend by celebrating a friend's birthday (the beautiful miss kristen dalla rizza). five of us had dinner at pf chang's to honor our sweet friend. after dinner, liz and i headed to clemson to watch the clemson/carolina baseball game. much to our dismay, we lost. we headed back to greenville, and shortly before midnight the facebook birthday wall posts started rolling in. not gonna lie, i love seeing who wishes me a happy birthday!

saturday was spent shopping! liz and i met at mcalister's for lunch at noon and after lunch headed straight to the mall. we were both in need of something fun to wear to my birthday celebration that night. five hours and about thirty-five (literally) dresses later, we were both equipped with fabulous ensembles for the night's festivities. i got home around 4:30, took some advil for a splitting headache (shopping usually gives me a headache), cleaned the house, and got ready. let me just say, i LOVED my outfit. it was very birthday appropriate. seven of us (a number which dwindled from about twenty) had dinner in downtown greer at a restaurant called bin112. it was GREAT. the food was really good and the atmosphere was fun, too. thanks to everybody who came! liz did a wonderful job surprising me with birthday balloons, a john mayer birthday cake, and JOHN MAYER TICKETS! i have a great best friend. you should be very, very jealous. after dinner we headed up to the bar at bin112 to watch the end of the clemson/carolina game. unfortunately, the tigers were unable to give me a birthday win, but i love them anyway. after drying my eyes from the clemson loss, we headed downtown to meet up with the guys. we hit rey's, on the rocks, dixie's, sharky's, and ended up at conolley's finally. conolley's was probably the most fun, because by the time we finally made it there it was late and a lot of people had cleared out. ten of us sat around and threw darts and laughed hysterically until around three in the morning. liz came back to my house and spent the night, and we ended birthday weekend at newspring sunday morning. my "little sister," sallie, and i had lunch after church, and i spent the rest of the day watching movies and cuddling with the cutest puppy in the entire world. it was a really, REALLY fun weekend, full of surprises. here are a few pictures:

i heard from people i was definitely not planning to hear from on my birthday (thanks, facebook). were it not for facebook, i'm quite confident that a few in particular would not have remembered that it was my birthday. regardless, i appreciate the outpouring of love i received over the weekend.

i have a whole lot of thoughts i could start writing about (none of them related to my birthday festivities), but i think i'll save those for when i actually have them sorted out in my head.

have a happy monday, friends!

you said too much

these are some great lyrics from a song called "you said too much" by needtobreathe (whom i will be seeing in atlanta on august 26. YES.)



i've gone and said to much i can't undo
i'm not the kind of man to try to hurt you
it's just too much now for us to get through


you'll never come back like you always do
you'll never come back like you always do
you'll never come back like you always do

i told my mama you were hard not to love
too much a friend and you were easy to touch
you were a kind one when i was with you

and i - i was lost and i was ill-prepared
to feel the hopelessness of you not there
our love was over now - i wasn't over you at all
i never wanted us to end like this
the pain i put you through i never meant
i never meant
i never meant


i've gone and said too much i can't undo
i'm not the kind of man to try to hurt you
it's just too much now for us to get through


you'll never come back like you always do
you'll never come back like you always do
you'll never come back like you always do

there is none so high and holy

today i was driving to make a site visit when "lord of all" by kristian stanfill came on. i love this song. every time i hear it i'm pointed straight to christ; i realize how big and powerful and capable and perfect he is, and how small and weak and uncapable and sinful i am.

today i have also been reminded of how truely disappointing people are. it is unbelievable to me at times - myself included. i just hope that at the end of the day people believe that i've been a good friend to them. i try my very, very best to be a good friend. i try to go out of my way to put my friends first, to meet needs before they're mentioned, to make nice gestures. it is absolutely ridiculous to me to watch the way people treat other people, particularly people they say they care about. cancelling on people is lame unless you've got a real good reason. dropping off the face of the earth for weeks at a time is unexcusable. letting someone walk away from a relationship, because you're too flipping lazy to SHOW them that what you SAY is true is disgusting. i know that i've hurt people. believe me, i know. and i know that i will hurt people again. i'm not excused from this rant. recently, however, it's been my feelings that were hurt. i was venting to shelby about this earlier, and she gave me some sweet advice: "people aren't perfect, and usually it's the people who are closest to you that tend to hurt you the most. even though it's hard, we have to show them the grace that god shows us and love them through it." um, no thanks. i'd rather not. but her advice is solid and biblical. even as i type this, "lord of all" has just come on grooveshark, and i'm reminded that my hope cannot be in people anyway. why? because "there is none so high and holy." god can't disappoint me, because he alone is god, and he alone is always good.

i think disappointment is just something i've been thinking through lately. i'm no stranger to disappointment. my mom says that my brother and i don't do anything the easy way, and that we always do things the most difficult way possible. it's true. nothing comes easy to us. you know those people that just seem to float through life, doors opening at the perfect time, everything comes with very little work, awesome things just happen to them? yeah. not me. granted, my life has been pretty smooth sailing, but in some ways i've learned a lot hard lessons the hard way. i'm okay with that (most of the time), because it's allowed jesus to develop more character in 24 years than a lot of people develop in 50. not that i'm great or that you should look at what i've done, because #1, i usually create the mess that breaks my heart that leads to the character development, and #2, the only good parts of me are because of jesus - and those parts are few and far between. however, i cannot imagine life in a world without disappointment. i'm longing for heaven today, anxious to experience that world. to sit next to the one, so high and so holy, who will give more contentment and satisfaction and joy and peace than any earthly person, fulfilled hope or perfectly executed plan ever could.

this is the poorest excuse for a forfeit

day two of birthday week is going fabulously. greg and rebecca came over from the main office again to help celebrate with me. thanks, guys. love ya, mean it. liz and i had lunch at jason's. discovered tickets for train and needtobreathe in atlanta on august 27th. yes, i will. did a little online shopping for my birthday dinner. haven't found anything yet, but i'm working on it. i feel that i can definitely be a little ridiculous saturday night, as far as what i wear. i'm the birthday girl, right? i can wear what i want!

here are some things i have learned lately:
1. if your tweezers accidentally fall in the toilet, and you flush the toilet because you don't realize they're in there, they will not be flushed.
2. if you let your grass grow to the point that your dog gets lost in the backyard, it's time to do something about it.
3. if you let your grass grow to the point that your dog gets lost in the backyard, somebody will eventually volunteer to cut it for you. thank you, jerry, for coming over and cutting my grass last night since SOMEBODY stole my lawn mower.
4. "people never change" is not a good attitude to have. it may seem/be true, but it's still not a good attitude to have. jesus doesn't have that attitude about us.
5. this clip is the funniest thing i have ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VarlV8dP6ak&feature=related
6. when you learn a lesson you should always try to apply it the next time you are presented with a similar situation. i fail at this most of the time.
7. letting go is a process. it's okay if it takes you a while.
8. if you need a sweet treat, go to sonic and get a slushie. SO good, and not so bad for you.
9. needtobreathe has some of the most amazing music. ever.
10. when you love more, you hurt less.

i'm like a sculpture, right?

i'm baaaaack!

i took mini-vacation-escape-from-reality-desperate-attempt-to-maintain-my-sanity excursion numero dos this past week. praise jesus. i needed it. it started on saturday morning when my mom came to greenville to pick me up so we could go to greenwood for a wedding saturday night. after the wedding we went to camden and spent the night, then sunday morning we got up and went to the beach. sidenote: liz met us in camden that morning and went with us. anyway. all we did was lay on the beach, eat, sleep, sit on the balcony and talk, and float on the water. it was the perfect little break from greenville and work and the same places and the same people (no offense).

we spent a good part of the trip talking about loving and losing and how to recover. it was completely productive, and i came back feeling like a new person. it's not like i learned anything new or discovered anything new or had any rivetting "ah ha!" moment. i didn't. i think i just finally faced facts and accepted them and decided to be done, because there's nothing else i can do. i got back to greenville and the first thing i did was completely overhaul my house. i rearranged and got new slip covers and pillows and curtains and basically made it look like a different place as much as my budget would allow. i needed it to be as though he (i'm just going to use "he" here) was never there and never existed as a part of my home or life. that sounds a little extreme, but i realized while i was at the beach that this last relationship completely wrecked me. totally and absolutely broke me down. i've got to get used to life without him - not just romantically, but even just as someone i considered one of my closest friends - and it sucks, but it is what it is. so i changed everything about my house. all the places that were used to him, i made look different. every place where there was a memory, i tried to change it up, so i can make new memories. i'm not saying i wish he had never happened; not at all. in fact if he called today, i would probably experience pure relief. but i digress. i'm happy for the time i had with him, because he brought me back to life. this was the first relationship i'd had since the tragedy of junior year of college. i didn't know i was capable of loving or feeling or trusting, and he showed me that i am. jesus used him to bring me back, to heal a lot of hurts. granted, new hurts were created, but parts of me that i thought were lost forever were found. for that, i'm thankful.

i love these lyrics from john mayer (duh? who else?):
And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, rightI can't find a flight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
ALl you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, rightI can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness

great lyrics. so true. there really isn't a substitute for time. or for the sadness. gotta feel it. gotta wait it out.

go north korea!!

it's world cup 2010, and the united way staff decided to pick teams. who did i pick? north korea. yes, the communist nation. yes, the nation who will not even allow the games to be aired unless north korea wins. yes, the nation threatening to blow up the world. that's my team. when i told my co-worker who arranged this little intra-office competition that i was okay with pulling for the underdog, he simply replied, "uh, ashley, i think they EAT underdog in north korea." hahaha. nevertheless: GO NORTH KOREA!!

quick movie review: the girls and i went to see sex and the city 2 wednesday night. i loved the first one. it was full of laughs and tears and some great lines. sex and the city dos...not so much. it was still good, and i really liked what it portrayed about relationships, and of course i will be stealing some quotes, but it really lacked something. i don't know what exactly. the acting was a little cheesey. the plot was a little unrealistic - more so than usual. i don't know, it just didn't have the same "i will own this movie as soon as it comes out on dvd" quality that the first one did.

most of you know that i have a slight (okay, not so slight) obsession with all things john mayer and quotes/lyrics. this morning i am loving these lines from "new deep:"

stop trying to figure it out
it will only bring you down
you know i used to be the back porch poet
with my book of rhymes always open
knowing all the time i'd probably never find
the perfect rhyme for "heavier things"

now. john mayer is by no means a believer. i mean, i guess he could be, but i don't think so. anyway. these words still hold truths. why waste time trying to figure out why or who or when or what? why not just trust that our god alone is god and our god alone is good? isn't that enough? isn't it enough to trust him? i have a lot of questions. a LOT. there's a lot of hurt i wish jesus would just magically take away. there's a lot of brokenness from a lot of mistakes and heartbreaks and relationships that i wish he would just heal...and quickly. there's a lot of sin i wish i didn't struggle with. there are a lot of insecurities i wish didn't surface so often. there's a lot i'm holding on to that i wish i could just let go of already. but it doesn't work that way. my devotion from proverbs 31 this morning talked about this. it reminded me that i need to take my cares to jesus. BUT taking my cares to jesus doesn't mean that he "abra cadabras" them out of my life. it means i take them to jesus, because it's his responsibility to take care of me. everything has a purpose in life. every relationship - every victory - every hurt - every joy - every heartbreak - every storm. everything has a purpose. and for those of us who love god and are called to his purpose, all of these things work for our good (romans 8:28).

have you ever heard the phrase "he unkindly shows us kindness?" i hadn't either until i started reading the blogs of a guy named zac smith from newspring. through painful circumstances (namely, terminal cancer) jesus was able to make his kindness so much more evident to zac. it's kind of a twisted logic to try to wrap your head around, but once it kind of settles in, it definitely does make sense. through hurt (in my life, namely heartbreak, loneliness, missing someone), jesus is able to reveal himself as comforter, all-sufficient, healer, lover of my soul, to teach me about his character, his desire to bless me, his timing, his sovereignty, and to just wear me down and destroy me with his love. he unkindly shows kindness.

and so even in the hurts, he's taking care of me. he's teaching me things about himself that are necessary and far more valuable than any earthly possession - relationships, money, status, health. it is his kindness that teaches me those things about himself. it is his kindness that walks with me through the hurt and leads me to real, complete healing. he would be neglecting me if he left me the way i am - in my sinfulness. and really, only through pain can healing come. exhibit a: the cross.

ohhh, so many lessons i'm learning.

guinevere

sometimes there's a song that i feel like is just me. it just says what i need it to. it's kind of like the eli young band spilled out my heart and wrote this song from what they found. i love it.

She's got a bumper like a billboard
Covered in stickers of her favorite bands
She's got a handful of records that she turns to
When she needs to land
She's a saturday night parade through the streets
That all eyes come to see including me
She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

She don't hold onto nothin' new for very long
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale and then you're gone'
Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

darling, you are the only exception

songs i'm currently obsessed with:
airplanes - b.o.b. and paramore
secrets - onerepublic
say - onerepublic
young forever - jay-z
shark in the water - vv brown
kandi - oneeskimo

enjoy.

ohhh where to begin. i think with the most exciting news: elizabeth and i finally did it...we started our business! carolina sweet couture had its first wedding on saturday, june 5. HUGE success! www.carolinasweetcouture.com if you're interested. we are so excited about this opportunity, and we can't wait to see how god takes our big dreams and makes them a reality.

re-learning the lesson about where my hope is placed. for two months i've wanted the same thing, and i've hoped the same thing would happen. i think it's time that i realize 1. my hope is misplaced, and 2. it's time to give it up. it's not gonna happen. let. it. go. three simple little words that are oh so hard to put into action. i keep holding on and keep wishing and keep wanting, but it doesn't change anything. i've done everything i know to do, said everything i know to say. i'm confused and hurt and basically just emotionally drained, so it's time to stop.

shelby spent the night last night, and it was so much fun. it's so nice to have somebody else in that house with me. we watched pride and prejudice until 1:30 this morning and ate popcorn. we also spent a lot of time talking about relationships and life. i like people i can do that with. we both kind of agreed that it's frustrating when the bible tells us that "it is not good for man to be alone," yet we feel like we're the exception - god is making us be alone. i don't really understand it at all. i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of coming home to an empty house. i'm tired of not having a last good night or a good morning. i'm tired of going dateless to weddings. i'm just tired of it. i don't want to be alone. and if you tell me "the only man a girl needs is jesus" i might cut you. me and jesus have probably never been closer. i'm still frustrated, and i'm still asking why, and i still have the same desire. and it's still not happening.

those things said, i'm REALLY excited about things going on in my life. i potentially have some really fun things coming up, some big changes, some leaps of faith. good. i need that. i need to be challenged and stretched, and i need change and passion and adventure. stay tuned. : )

last blog today, i promise

vincent sheheen for governor!!

and not just because he's a friend. because he's the best man for the job. read about vincent and his platform here (www.vincentsheheen.com), then vote sheheen for governor in the june 8th primary!

one step forward...

one million steps back.

GEEZ.

what i've realized

there are guys who want to fall in love - who want to need a woman - who want to give more than than get - who want to pursue - who want to do whatever it takes to make her stay - who want to put in the work. they DO exist. there are guys out there who won't let you walk. there are guys who would do anything to make you happy. there are guys out there who will puruse you relentlessly. there are guys who won't let you go just because they don't want to push a little to give you more. there are guys who will hold on for dear life when they find a good woman.

wow. how encouraging.

a funny story...

yesterday was a little crazy. but, hey, it's my life, so i'd expect nothing less. i left work around 3:00 (i had some flex hours to use), picked up new contacts, and stopped by the grocery store. i was supposed to have dinner with my little sister, sallie (not my biological little sister, but my little sister nonetheless), but i had to cancel because of the crisis that i mentioned in yesterday's post. well after the crisis was averted, it was too late to reschedule dinner, so john and i decided to grill out at his house. i got home around 4:00, took a quick nap, spent some time in the word, and decided to hop on my treadmill for a run (it was storming outside). i ran about two steps when all the power in one half of my house went out. i went outside and checked the breakers (can you believe i knew to do that??). flipped the one that was off back to on. fail. still no power. i decided to let it "rest" (i don't know, that sounded like a good thing to do) until i got back from john's. so rewind to around 6:00 when i put eight potatoes in the oven to bake to make john's requested side dish: twice baked potatoes. okay fast forward back to 7:15. i leave my house (hot potatoes in hand) for john's. put the potatoes back in the oven until around 7:45. pull them out and proceed to try to peel them (with joe's help). i'm pretty sure he and i both have third degree burns. anyway. make the twice baked potatoes, put them in the oven, and prepare for deliciousness. we sit down to eat at around 8:15. our food looked fabulous - like i was pretty sure it was going to be a really good meal. neg. the chicken was raw (as in it was still clucking), and the potatoes were completely undercooked (apparently i didn't mash them too well, and there were big chunks of raw potato). so the five of us, john, tuck, joe, carissa and me sat at the table laughing hysterically at our uncooked meal. carissa tore through her chicken, claiming that it was like eating sushi. hahaha. john was screaming about how i screwed up his potatoes. joe was whining about salmonella, and poor tuck was just trying to enjoy his meal. it was hilarious. probably one of my favorite nights over there. so i get home around midnight, after the disastrous dinner and "sherlock holmes," to find that i still have no power in half of my house and a big roach crawling across my floor (i always get a roach when it rains a lot).

just a day in the life...

i may have something meaningful to share later. maybe not. we'll see.

peace and love, friends.

favorite time of the day...

quote time!!

nothing bothers the devil more than a christian

delighting in the presence of god.

-tozer

i've found this to be true lately. the more i spend time with jesus and learn to simply enjoy him and who he is and his blessings, the more i find satan tries (and usually succeeds) in attacking me with guilt, fear, and the thought that i'm not supposed to be quite so happy. this makes me eager for the day that i will sit with jesus uninterrupted.

my apologies...

that the spacing is never right on my blog. it drives me crazy, but no matter how many times i attempt to fix it, i fail.

crisis averted

i can't tell you what the crisis was, but let me just tell you how brilliantly elizabeth and i handled it. we calmly accepted the situation, realized that freaking out would not change the circumstances, and talked rationally about how we could deal with the problem at hand. we came up with various solutions, and after doing what we could do to alter the situation, we trusted that it would work out. and it did! thus: crisis averted.

jesus spoke to my heart through this ordinary moment. beloved, approach every "storm" this way. no need to fret. i'm in control.

it's funny that this little heart lesson came up today, because this morning i was reading in acts 15. i underlined verse 18 about seven times:

known to god from eternity are all his works.

what a relief and comfort to know that nothing ever surprises god. people and situations shock the heck out of me (quite frequently, i might add), but jesus is never taken by surprise. he never has to come up with a "plan b." his plan is always perfect, always for my good, and always completed.

in scripture i'm reminded of when jesus fed the 5,000. jesus was preaching to the multidtude - 5,000 men. this number doesn't include the women and children. the actual number could have been more like 12,000. the disciples realize that they have nothing to feed this large crowd - nothing but five loaves of bread and two fish.

1. they recognized a problem.

2. they gave it to jesus.

3. they took action.

the 5,000+ people were fed; not only were they fed, they were stuffed, and there were leftovers. and the beautiful thing about this story is that god knew this situation would arise from the beginning - since he was god. the disciples didn't catch him off guard when they explained that they were a little short on food. god knew how he was going to solve the problem before the problem existed.

sound familiar? how sweet it is to serve a god who solves our problems before we encounter them. thank you, jesus, for having a solution to our sin problem before we were even breathed into existence.

the lord is teaching me so many things lately. by no means am i mastering any of it, but he's teaching me, and i'm begging him to change my heart and to help me learn it and apply it - and to keep teaching me.

it's encouraging to see and feel and know that jesus is working in my heart and in my life. it means he really is alive! and it means that i'm in a place where i'm teachable. as someone who is stubborn and difficult and often puffed up by my pride, this is an exciting place to be. i'm praying for grace to keep me here, on my knees, at the foot of the cross.

how could i forget...

it's birthday month!!!!!!!!!!

you'll never get what you want...

...if you lower your standards.

if you are a woman, then you need to watch this video. especially if you are a christian, single woman with a great desire to get married, who has had your heart broken or disappointed, felt unworthy, unloved, and unpursued, who feels lonely, frustrated, and tired, and who thinks that "all the good ones are taken."

http://www.goingbeyond.com/blog/interview-single-anthony-evans

you're the most colorful thing that i've seen

so steal the show, and do your best

to cover up the tracks that i have left

i wish you well and hope you find

whatever you're looking for

the way i might've changed my mind

but you only showed me the door

-rachael yamagata

hello, beautiful friends! i hope you all had a wonderful and relaxing long weekend. starting the week on tuesday rather than monday makes all the difference in the world. although i still hit snooze for an hour and half this morning, i at least woke up in a better mood than i do on most monday mornings.

i spent my memorial day weekend in camden with family. it was brilliantly uneventful. i did nothing but sleep, nap, lay around, eat good food, watch movies, and basically let my body (and soul) catch up on all the rest it's been needing for the past six weeks or so. i hadn't been home in such a long time - to actually just be home with nothing to do - so it was nice to just hang out with my family, grill out, catch up, and seperate myself from everything that's been going on in greenville.

apparently the weekend was really good for me, because i feel like i've finally started turning a corner (emotionally). for such a long time the hurt from the heartbreak i experienced was so raw and so close. finally, FINALLY it doesn't feel quite so fresh. i think this is definitely in part because i haven't been able to just slap a band-aid on it and move on. not this time. i've had to just let myself feel it out - wallow - hurt - cry - and deal with every emotion i've had over the past nearly two months. though i've desperately wanted to, i haven't been able to just remove myself from the pain; instead, i've had to walk through it, clinging to jesus with each step. it's still a work in progress, and i'm sure there will be days ahead filled with sadness, loneliness, and that achey, hole-in-my chest, "i miss you" feeling, but i'll cling to jesus still. mostly now i've dealt with the fact that the relationship has ended, but i'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he has moved on and no longer tries to even be a friend to me. that is what is most hurtful to me. that he so easily let me go - let me walk away - and has even replaced me. ouch. but like i said: i'll cling to jesus still as my heart continues to heal.

before i completely leave this subject, let me just say this: be careful how much of yourself you give away in a relationship - physically and emotionally. you will reap the consequences of those actions for far longer than you can probably imagine. trust me.