i'm baaaaack!
i took mini-vacation-escape-from-reality-desperate-attempt-to-maintain-my-sanity excursion numero dos this past week. praise jesus. i needed it. it started on saturday morning when my mom came to greenville to pick me up so we could go to greenwood for a wedding saturday night. after the wedding we went to camden and spent the night, then sunday morning we got up and went to the beach. sidenote: liz met us in camden that morning and went with us. anyway. all we did was lay on the beach, eat, sleep, sit on the balcony and talk, and float on the water. it was the perfect little break from greenville and work and the same places and the same people (no offense).
we spent a good part of the trip talking about loving and losing and how to recover. it was completely productive, and i came back feeling like a new person. it's not like i learned anything new or discovered anything new or had any rivetting "ah ha!" moment. i didn't. i think i just finally faced facts and accepted them and decided to be done, because there's nothing else i can do. i got back to greenville and the first thing i did was completely overhaul my house. i rearranged and got new slip covers and pillows and curtains and basically made it look like a different place as much as my budget would allow. i needed it to be as though he (i'm just going to use "he" here) was never there and never existed as a part of my home or life. that sounds a little extreme, but i realized while i was at the beach that this last relationship completely wrecked me. totally and absolutely broke me down. i've got to get used to life without him - not just romantically, but even just as someone i considered one of my closest friends - and it sucks, but it is what it is. so i changed everything about my house. all the places that were used to him, i made look different. every place where there was a memory, i tried to change it up, so i can make new memories. i'm not saying i wish he had never happened; not at all. in fact if he called today, i would probably experience pure relief. but i digress. i'm happy for the time i had with him, because he brought me back to life. this was the first relationship i'd had since the tragedy of junior year of college. i didn't know i was capable of loving or feeling or trusting, and he showed me that i am. jesus used him to bring me back, to heal a lot of hurts. granted, new hurts were created, but parts of me that i thought were lost forever were found. for that, i'm thankful.
i love these lyrics from john mayer (duh? who else?):
And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, rightI can't find a flight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
ALl you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, rightI can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness
great lyrics. so true. there really isn't a substitute for time. or for the sadness. gotta feel it. gotta wait it out.
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