holy week

i love the holiday season. if you didn't know, my holiday season kicks off on my birthday (june 26th) and ends with new year's day. even trumping my birthday in excitement and pure joy is christmas eve. it's my favorite day of the year. however, over the past couple of years this holy week - the week between palm sunday and easter sunday - has taken precedence. why? because this is the week that my faith hinges on.

i've started a tradition where each year i start with the story of jesus' "triumphal entry" into jerusalem in the gospels, and each day i read through a portion of the story, ending with the resurrection on easter sunday. i want to know this story. i want to be so sobered by this story - partcularly this week - that it is as though i am walking the streets of jerusalem with christ.

one thought specifically has weighed heavy on my heart this week: what must jesus have felt as he entered jerusalem on that sunday? he had left his home only a few years before to begin his ministry. he left everything he knew. he spent three years on the road, running from pharisees who wanted him dead, preaching and teaching, and, in general, stirring up a revolution. but this was THE week. this was the week that his very life was destined for. this was why he had come. what heaviness must have crushed his human shoulders - to know that in four short days he would share a precious, intimate passover meal with is beloved disciples, where he would explain to them yet again what was about to transpire - and yet again they wouldn't understand; a few hours later he'd be betrayed by a man he loved and handed over to jewish authorities; shortly after that he'd be beaten within an inch of his life - beaten to the point that his own mother would barely know him - flesh ripped and hanging from his back, eyes swollen shut, blood pouring from thorn pricks on his forehead, his body screaming in pain he had only imagined; a bit later laboring through dirty, dusty, crowded streets bearing the weight of a roman cross, sharp with splinters, on his raw back; and finally, stakes would be driven through his wrists and feet, he would be hung from a cross, nails tearing through muscles and tendons, veins and flesh, and a sword would split his side. his life would rush out. and friends, though the physical pain was immense, it was no match for the spiritual agony christ faced. in that moment he would become our sin - my sin and your sin. he would literally be our sin. his father, with whom he had enjoyed eternal intimacy and perfect fellowship, would reject him - would turn his face away, because he could not look on sin. jesus would be separated from his father for the first (and only) time. he would bear the entire wrath of god. for me. and for you, sweet friend. and hallelujah, on that glorious easter morning, he would draw a breath and raise up from the dead! he would claim the keys of death forever! he would take hold of victory for me!

i can't imagine what he must have felt during the days of that sacred week 2,000 years ago. the love of christ surpasses anything i can possibly fathom in my puny little pea-brain. a love that would know what was coming on that thursday, and endure it anyway, with willingness and humility and forgiveness - even for a sinner like me - wretched, filthy, wandering, and unfaithul.

i am so thankful, and i am so unworthy of the love of christ demonstrated on the cross.

defeat

i feel defeated today. discouraged. exhausted. frustrated. and totally robbed of any and all joy. there are so many things contributing to my current mood, most of which are inappropriate to share - even on my blog where i usually say whatever i want.

i'm feeling impatient with a couple of current situations. i'm angry about some stuff; confused about some stuff. i'm fed-up with some things. i'm afflicted by my disgusting, sinful heart. i'm anxious about money and finances. i'm dreading my roommate moving out and having to adjust to living alone again. i was so full of joy yesterday, so excited about my life, and today i am totally bogged down by the world. satan so loves to steal my joy.

i'm kind of at the end of my rope. no, not kind of. i am at the end of my rope. what i refuse to do, though, is to wallow around in this earthly muck. cs lewis said, "aim for heaven, and you will get earth thrown in. aim for earth, and you will get neither." colossians teaches us to "set our minds on things above, not on things of this earth." my heart and mind must be intently focused on jesus christ. when people and situations and circumstances change constantly, as they often do, jesus is my constant, my true north.

tonight i took my bible and my journal outside and just sat. i curled up in one of my patio chairs, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply of christ. i poured out my heart to him. i cried with him. i clung to his every word and encouragement and gentle correction. do i feel magically all better? nope. but i did have my heart refocused on the assurance i have in jesus christ. he is my comforter. he is my provider. he is the lover of my soul. he is my avenger. he brings all things to light. he is my peace, my portion and my exceedingly great reward. he is my horn of salvation. he is my all-sufficient savior. he is my life source. he is my joy. he is my sanity and clarity when everything else has gone mad.

my king has crushed the curse of death

o praise him, hallelujah
my delight and my reward
everlasting, never failing
my redeemer, my god

i'll set my gaze on god alone
and trust in him completely
with every day pour out my soul
and he will prove his mercy

though life is but a fleeting breath
a sigh too brief to measure
my king has crushed the curse of death
and i am his forever
"psalm 62" by aaron keyes

so many potential blog topics for this evening. where shall i begin? as easter approaches (quickily, i might add; how is april half way over??), i am so stricken by the words "my king has crushed the curse of death." my faith is contingent on this truth. christ crushed the curse of death. he crushed it by resurrecting from the dead. he could only have been resurrected if he was once dead. he could only have died if he was once alive. because he was alive, did die, did resurrect - he is STILL alive! friends, jesus christ is exactly who he said he was. he is god's own son - god himself - who was born of the virgin mary, lived a righteous life on this earth, was fully god and fully man, went willingly and obediently to the cross, became our sin, died, on that glorious sunday was raised victoriously from the grave, now sits at the right hand of god almighty in heaven and will return for me one day because i have been made one with him in his death and in his resurrection and my soul has been bought back from the grave. hallelujah! i know i can celebrate this truth every day of my life, but there is something so powerful about waking up on easter morning and rejoicing in the victory of my savior.

today i have the overwhelming feeling of being excited about my life. i'm always grateful for the lord's work in my life and anxious to see where he's leading me - but i mean that just as i said it: anxious. i don't feel anxious today. i feel a deep sense of joy and excitement and desire for the plans i'm watching unfold around me. i had a most ridiculous thought today, too. it was an idea - a dream for my future - that would just be insanely and unbelievably incredible and beyond anything i could ask for. and i'm asking for it. stay tuned...

thou, o, lord

despite my commitment - i never know how to spell this; commitment? committment? - to reformed theology, i grew up a southern baptist southern belle with a love of hymns and church choirs. at first baptist in camden, where i grew up, met christ, was baptized, and was on staff, we have an amazing choir. seriously. they are incredible - especially when they sing "o, holy night" at christmas. anyway. my favorite song that they have ever presented is called "thou, o, lord." i don't have a clip of the fbc choir singing it, but here's the brooklyn tabernacle choir.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y284YvkYrZo

the song comes from psalm 3:

lord, how they have increased who trouble me!
many are they who rise up against me.
many are they who say of me,
'there is no help fo him in god'
but you, o lord, are a shield for me,
my glory and the lifter of my head.
i cried to the lord with my voice,
and he heard from his holy hill.
i lay down and slept;
i awoke, for the lord sustined me.
i will not be afraid of ten thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.
arise, o lord;
save me, o my god!
for you have struck all my enemies on the cheekbone;
you have broken the teeth of the ungodly.
savlation belonds to the lord.
your blessing is upon your people.

"but you, o lord, are a shield for me, my glory and the lifter of my head." i cannot hear or read these words without being moved to tears. that the infinite, almighty creator of the universe would look upon me and my mess with love and desire to be my shield and glory and to lift my head up from shame and defeat and sustain me and protect me - incredible.

a wedding v. a marriage

i've been sick with a stomach virus the past few days, and all of my lounging on the couch has lent itself to countless reruns of "say yes to the dress." that is, in between my regularly scheduled naps. today i was early into my nuptial marathon, only on episode number two, and i heard a bride say something that made me feel sick(er) to my stomach. she said, "the dress is everything. it's the most important part of my wedding. i want it to be the focal point of my wedding." side note: the dress was $11,000.

there was a time when day-dreaming about my wedding would have meant fantasies of five hundred people, black-tie, a gigantic ball gown, ice sculptures, and a ten-tiered wedding cake. maybe even swans. fast forward about ten years to present day. want to know what kind of wedding i want? i don't. i want to elope.

i guess i should back-up briefly and explain that i know that any plan of mine is meaningless compared to the plan that god has in store for my life. his plan may not include marriage. i hope it does, but it may not. so this post is written strictly from the perspective that i do get married.

anyway.

i couldn't care less about flowers, hors d' oeuvres, the band, or my dress. what i want for the day that i get married, is to be surrounded by my family, my best friends, and people who have impacted my life. i want it to be intimate. most importantly, i want the entire day to be worshipful. i want it to be about christ. i don't want it to be about ashley and ________ gettin' hitched or goin' on a honeymoon. i don't want it to be about the reception. i don't want it to be about the first dance or cutting the cake or tossing my bouquet at a swarm of girls dancing around obnoxiously to "single ladies" by beyonce. and i certainly don't want my new husband crawling up my dress to retrieve my garter to sling at a bunch of crazed bachelors in front of my father and brother. i want the entire day to be totally surrendered to christ. i want the vows we make - the covenant we make with god - to be the most defining moment of the day. i want every word spoken and song played to reflect the goodness and mercy and grace of a loving father who brought two people together to labor together for his kingdom.

i know this mindset doesn't exactly mesh with our culture's view of marriage. in fact, people get married everyday who don't know christ. what i don't understand is what kind of marriage they have. marriage was ordained by god to be between three: man and woman seeking christ first and through that serving each other and working together for christ's glory. if your marriage is not a covenant between you, your spouse made to and before our holy god, what exactly is keeping you there? i don't get it. what's the purpose in the marriage? what do you do when ten years in you've both changed and feel like you've grown apart? i just don't know what a marriage is apart from christ when it was designed by god to imitate christ and his church.

this is why i want a marriage - not a wedding.

how few there are who die so hard

last night, while talking to a friend who is both incredibly challenged and built-up by the life of dr. adoniram judson, i found myself interested in who this man was. i'd heard the peculiar name of adoniram judson many times in many different sermons, but i'd never intentionally taken the time to find out who this man was beyond a baptist missionary. i sat for forty-five minutes, glued to my computer, as i learned about this man's life and ministry in burma. what i discovered through trusty google was a sermon written by john piper. the sermon topic: suffering. to teach this biblical principle, piper referred to the life of dr. judson. one word: incredible. i'm going to do no justice whatsoever to his story, so do yourself a favor and read the story here: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/biographies/how-few-there-are-who-die-so-hard.

reading about judson's life - including but certainly not limited to: two dead wives, six dead children, disease upon disease upon disease, imprisonment, torture and poverty - led me to think about suffering. real, true suffering. i think mostly because i've been thinking about my sweet friend anna this week. last saturday, anna's precious 11-month-old nephew, patterson grey, lost his battle with a congenital heart defect. the suffering that patterson's family is enduring is beyond my comprehension. the suffering they have endured for the past 11+ months is beyond my comprehension. by god's great and amazing grace, however, they have pressed on through this suffering with patience and endurance and faithfulness claiming christ as the victor and clinging to the promise that he is good. what a testimony to a world who sees death as defeat.

during my quiet time today i decided to do a little research on suffering. i'd always heard that suffering was a guarantee for anyone walking in christ. i knew that. i believed it. i've endured my share of suffering. i'm not sure if i believed it because it's what i'd always been taught or because i really believed it was biblical. tonight i read this passage from 1 peter 2 (verses 20-24):

"but when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before god. for to this you were called, because christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow in his steps: 'who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in his mouth.' who, when he was reviled, did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but committed himself to him who judges righteously; who himself bore our sins in his own body on the tree, that we having died to sin, might live for righteousness - by whose stripes you were healed."

in christ, i'm called to "follow in his steps." all of his steps. he lived righteously. so must i live righteously. he walked in humility. so must i walk in humility. he was obedient. so must i be obedient. he suffered rejection, persecution and ultimately death. so must i suffer - even suffer the death of myself. if my goal is christ and his life and death and resurrection, then suffering is a sure thing. he was called to it when he was called to the cross. i'm called to it when i'm called to be like christ. when i endure suffering patiently - with hope and endurance and faithfulness - that is pleasing to god. i so want my life to be pleasing to my heavenly father.

after reading the words in 1 peter jesus immediately tuned my heart to acts 7 and stephen. this is one of my favorite passages in scripture. stephen proclaimed the gospel boldly and passionately to the jewish religious teachers, and they stoned him. they killed him. and while they were stoning him - relentlessly beating him with heavy boulders and sharp rocks, tearing his clothes, screaming obscenities, denouncing his christ - stephen continued to proclaim the gospel. verse 59 says, "and they stoned stephen as he was calling on god." he endured patiently, waiting for god to deliver him - either physically on earth or spiritually through death.

throughout the book of acts, we're told over and over that the church was persecuted. christians were being dragged from their homes and thrown in prison - many even killed. however, we're also told over and over that "there was great joy." the early church's joy wasn't found in circumstances. despite the very real threat of imprisonment, torture, and death, their joy rested on the truth that god is god, and he is good.

being willing to suffer and then taking that suffering with joy and patience must come from a heart centered in and resting on the truth that god is exactly who he says he is in scripture. god alone is god. god alone is good. and god alone is worthy. if those things are not true there is no joy and no purpose in suffering. if those things are true - and i submit to you, dear friends, that they are - there is nothing but joy and eternal purpose.

i'm praying that god would search and know my heart, and reveal any areas where i don't trust him enough to be willing to suffer for his glory.