defeat

i feel defeated today. discouraged. exhausted. frustrated. and totally robbed of any and all joy. there are so many things contributing to my current mood, most of which are inappropriate to share - even on my blog where i usually say whatever i want.

i'm feeling impatient with a couple of current situations. i'm angry about some stuff; confused about some stuff. i'm fed-up with some things. i'm afflicted by my disgusting, sinful heart. i'm anxious about money and finances. i'm dreading my roommate moving out and having to adjust to living alone again. i was so full of joy yesterday, so excited about my life, and today i am totally bogged down by the world. satan so loves to steal my joy.

i'm kind of at the end of my rope. no, not kind of. i am at the end of my rope. what i refuse to do, though, is to wallow around in this earthly muck. cs lewis said, "aim for heaven, and you will get earth thrown in. aim for earth, and you will get neither." colossians teaches us to "set our minds on things above, not on things of this earth." my heart and mind must be intently focused on jesus christ. when people and situations and circumstances change constantly, as they often do, jesus is my constant, my true north.

tonight i took my bible and my journal outside and just sat. i curled up in one of my patio chairs, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply of christ. i poured out my heart to him. i cried with him. i clung to his every word and encouragement and gentle correction. do i feel magically all better? nope. but i did have my heart refocused on the assurance i have in jesus christ. he is my comforter. he is my provider. he is the lover of my soul. he is my avenger. he brings all things to light. he is my peace, my portion and my exceedingly great reward. he is my horn of salvation. he is my all-sufficient savior. he is my life source. he is my joy. he is my sanity and clarity when everything else has gone mad.