don't go breaking my heart

it's really difficult to know when it's time to give up on something, or when you have to just be patient a little while longer. it's hard to tell what's going on when circumstances make it challenging to decipher what's true. i am an impatient person. i don't like to wait on anything - for my toast to be done, for the shower water to get hot, for a red light to change, much less for an answer to something i've been wondering about for months.

"and could you bear the wait, and the strength that it would take?"
-john mayer

in this case, i don't think i have a choice. i'll wait.

lay it on me

every time i go to share my testimony - the real, nitty gritty, raw version of my testimony - i get a little nervous. i have only done this twice. last night was the second time, and i was shaking before i started talking. i shared it with the girls in my bible study. it has been weighing on my heart since i finally pieced it all together, and i started practicing it over and over and really praying for the lord to give me opportunities to share it and use it. it was my turn to share last night, so i had been praying all week for the lord to take my words and my story and make it all about himself. not about me or what i went through or what i felt or what i did, but all about how he used it and changed my heart and my life and "brought streams out of rocks." so i told my story (and i might add that i only teared up a few times), and it was incredible. it was tough to share such intimate details of my heart with women i haven't known for long, but when i was done talking i looked up to see several of them sitting there, staring at me, speechless, with tears in their eyes. they lovingly asked lots of questions, and i was able to share even more about how the lord has brought about reconciliation and redemption and restoration. we had a new sister join us last night, and she tearfully shared with me that she knows the lord led her to our bible study to hear what he spoke to her through me. it was awesome. i am so humbled and grateful that the lord would take this broken vessel and pour himself out all over the hearts and spirits of the women in my bible study. it was so awesome to see how they all could relate to at least some aspect of my story. they were not judgemental. they were supportive and encouraging and genuinely cared about my heart and my healing and my journey. they were not flippant. they did not take my story lightly, and they did not act as though i needed to get over it or move on. the holy spirit was seriously all over the place last night. it made me so excited to see how god wants to use my story in the future.

the last straw

one of my two favorite songs off of taylor swift's new cd:

all this time i was wasting
hoping you would come around
i've been giving out chances every time
and all you do is let me down
and it's taken me this long, baby
but i've figured you out
and you think that'll we'll be fine again
but not this time around

you don't have to call anymore
i won't pick up the phone
this is the last straw
don't want to hurt anymore
and you can tell me that you're sorry
but i don't believe you, baby
like i did before
you're not sorry

looking so innocent
i might believe you if i didn't know
could've loved you all my life
if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
and you got your share of secrets
and i'm tired of being last to know
and now you're asking me to listen
cause it's worked each time before

but you don't have to call anymore
i won't pick up the phone
this is the last straw
don't want to hurt anymore
and you can tell me that you're sorry
but i don't believe you, baby
like i did before
you're not sorry

you had me crawling for you, honey
and it never would have gone away
you used to shine so bright
but i watched all of it fade

so you don't have to call anymore
i won't pick up the phone
this is the last straw
there's nothing left to beg for
and you can tell me that you're sorry
but i don't believe you, baby
like i did before
you're not sorry
-taylor swift

i need you like a hurricane

i don't have any prophetic wisdom to share today. just some ramblings about what's going on in my life. i was awake at 5 am today. i didn't go to sleep until about 12 am. i am TIRED. i woke up with a headache (thank you, sinus pressure), so i got a bottle of water and some meds and tried to go back to sleep, but that didn't happen. i think that could also be because someone kept texting me. let me stop here to tell you how much i love my bed. when i am curled up, smack-dab in the middle of my huge, soft, cozy, queen-sized bed, with the dark chocolate brown curtains pulled tight and the room freezing cold - i could not be happier. that is one of the best feelings in the world. i love my bed. i love the sleepy feeling i get laying in my bed. i love being cold and wrapping up in soft, silky sheets and a comforter. seriously. i love my bed. so, at 6:30 am, i forced myself out of my little piece of heaven on earth, and hit the gym for a quick 30 minute workout. i'm glad i did, but my metabolism is through the roof today, so i've been hungry all day long. i am wearing my favorite grey pumps today, and they make me very happy. they also make me about 6 feet and 3 inches tall. i got a new orange planner, which i'm excited about. to be so unorganized, i really appreciate it when my planner is in order. not that i use it, but you know. i had a lovely lunch with lindsey outside at chick-fil-a. we, of course, talked shop. and by shop, i mean WEDDING! we also talked a little bit about tomorrow night, but just a little. tomorrow night lindsey and jason are going to dinner, and lindsey invited me. jason invited one of his good friends. we both just so happen to be single. yeah. you know where i'm going here. i'm trying not to think about it. we were originally supposed to go last friday but had to cancel earlier in the week. i almost told lindsey to not worry about it and to not reschedule, but i thought she and jason might have a small cow, so i'm making them happy and going. don't get me wrong, i'm excited, but i just know how these things usually go. i'm not being negative, just stating a fact. hmm...what else?? tonight i need to go to old navy and lerner, and then i'm going to jaime's to highlight her hair. i'm such a jack of all trades. haha. sike. my parents left on a roadtrip today. i am extremely jealous, as they get to spend the weekend with my sweet brother. i miss him terribly and really wanted to get to visit him. our weekends never matched up, though. now i'm updating my new planner, which is like a job all in itself. and listening to jimmy needham's station on pandora. it's a good one. check it, yo.

10 random facts about yours truly:
10. i want a tattoo. i draw them on various parts of myself to figure out where i want it. location changes daily.
9. i eat cinnamon toast crunch like it's my job.
8. i rarely get mad.
7. i'm extremely affectionate. scott and those guys will disagree.
6. i think a hot shower can solve just about any problem you have.
5. i lose sunglasses, ipods, shoes, articles of clothing, and my debit card on a VERY regular basis.
4. i fell down a hill last week and bruised my knees up.
3. i ate a pint of ben and jerry's ice cream last week when i had strep throat.
2. i feel guilty when i eat poorly.
1. i have great intuition.

baby, i need your lovin - got to have all your lovin!

that title means absolutely nothing - i just really like that song.

today i was on my way to "wednesdays with bach" at trinity (sidenote: "wednesday with bach" is something trinity lutheran does during the summer. each wednesday they offer 30 minute recitals featuring musicians from greenville.) i was listening to the radio, which i hardly ever do, and i had it on 89.3 (HIS radio), which i NEVER listen to. i wasn't really paying attention, but i caught some lyrics that basically said "i'll give you everything, i don't care what it costs me." at first i thought, wow, how cool that this guy is singing those words. and then i thought about it some more. that's a really dangerous thing to pray. i think sometimes we pray dangerous things and sing dangerous things, because we think we're supposed to - not because we actually mean them. i started to sing along the next time the chorus rolled around, but i couldn't. i couldn't bring myself to sing those words that are SO meaningful without meaning it. and at this point, i don't mean it. praying those words - take everything from me, i don't care - is terrifying to me. say what you want: maybe i'm too human, maybe i'm holding on too tightly, maybe i'm not spiritually mature enough - whatever. i think the lord is teaching me a lot about sacrifice and putting things on the altar and letting go of things i'm holding on to. actually, i know he is. i'm learning that putting things on the altar COSTS something. it should cost something, anyway. it shouldn't be easy. it's not supposed to be easy. if it were easy it wouldn't be sacrifice. it wasn't easy for abraham to put issaac on the altar. it wasn't easy for christ to put himself on the cross. there has to be a cost. i'm learning about this. i haven't mastered it. but i'm excited to get to the point where i understand enough about who god is and what he desires for my life to confidently say,

take everything i have - i don't care what it costs me.

ohhh what to write about

when i have my quiet time, i think of all the poignant things i'd like to write about. then i actually find a few spare moments to write, and my mind goes blank. i can tell you that i've been studying the construction of the tabernacle in the old testament. it is blowing my mind. it's so interesting and mind-boggling to think of how every detail of the tabernacle relates to the living tabernacle - jesus christ. every stone, every curtain, every utensil, every fixture - it all had a designated place in the tabernacle, and it all represents something so much bigger than its physical purpose. i think the biggest thing i've learned lately has been about the altar. the altar where burnt offerings were offered was to be burning at all times. when i first read this, i was reminded of the eternal flame in dc (jfk's memorial). but then i got to thinking about it: if the altar had to be burning always, then something had to be being burnt. an offering had to always be on the table. i started thinking about my own life. i've got to constantly put something on the altar. i need the mighty, consuming fire - our god - to burn away everything that is not of me. every desire, every heart ache, every worry, even every good thing - i've got to put it on the altar repeatedly, consistently, eternally, and let him burn that away to reveal himself glorified in and through me. that's hard for me to process. there are so many things i hold on to so tightly (ideas, people, dreams, desires, plans, fears, blessings), and those are the very things that i've got to place on the altar. another thing i thought about is when david (i think) says that he will not offer god anything that costs him nothing. sacrifice - offering - should come at a price. if it doesn't, then is it really a sacrifice? i should be wrestling over what i put on the altar, because it should be things that I'M holding on to. things that I need to give up, even it's scary and painful. i think of abraham, and how many times he must have wanted to turn back from putting isaac on that altar, how many times he had a second thought, how many times he thought he or god or both were crazy. but over and over he was already putting isaac on that altar to sacrifice, even before he physically did it. am i doing that? am i putting things on the altar before i ever get to the place where i have to make a decision? sometimes. sometimes not. something we talked about at bible study last week is that god is faithful no matter what he does with the things i place on the altar. sometimes we have the attitude of, i'll put this on the altar, and god will give it back later. or, if i give this to god, he'll give me what i want. it doesn't work that way. placing it on the altar means trusting jesus with it, no matter what that may mean. what a hard thing for my feeble mind to understand. one last thing i've learned lately is that the altar itself had to be acceptable for anything offered on it to be acceptable in god's sight. of course that makes sense, but i had never thought about it before. i had to really think on this. what altar am i placing my sacrifices on? the altar of selfish desires: if i do this, god will do ______. the altar of false beliefs: if i give this to god, he'll give me what i want. the altar of spiritual appearance: i have to put this on the altar (or at least say i am), because it's what a good christian would do. if the altar is not christ, not the holy and acceptable altar of jesus christ, then nothing i offer is acceptable. i've been doing some serious heart-searching lately. i'm praying for the holy spirit to burn away everything that is not of him but is of me (thanks, jeremy camp).

love one another fervently

i hate when i feel the burn of conviction in my heart. those moments when i come face to face with my own filthy sin. those times when i feel about as big as an ant. i was faced with one of those moments this morning. i knew i was feeling that stir in my heart to own up to my actions and thoughts, but i wanted to justify them and blame others. while i do think the company you keep is extremely important to the vitality of a christian, i can't blame my own sin on their influence. in ezekiel, the word tells us that each person is held responsible for his own sin - not that of his father nor that of his children. my sin is my sin. it's mine to face. it's mine to confess. it's mine to repent of. while i am the one completely in the wrong, it's not up to me to make it right. jesus made it right, and it is jesus who will redeem me from that sin - every sin, in fact, that i am faithful to confess. what hope and relief come in that truth! through the beth moore study i'm doing with the single women at church, i've been learning about godly sorrow and true repentance. i feel like this morning i really understood what godly sorrow means. when you realize the impact your sin has on others - no matter how "small" and insignificant it may seem - and on a holy god, it will torture your heart. i felt my heart breaking this morning as i thought on the attitude i had had. i confessed it; i repented (or rather i asked jesus to help me repent); and i asked for wisdom and transparency and genuine fervent love to fill my heart and my life as i try to turn from the nasty attitude that had crept into my heart.

while i know that jesus is quick to forgive me when i ask, there is still a little guilt and fear left when i think about how i have acted. i worry that as jesus begins to transform that part of me and my actions begin to change, that they will not be well-received - that they will seem fake or shallow. my heart's desire is that christ will appear clearly in my actions and that i would be genuine and moved by love - not guilt or fear.

and that i wouldn't worry about what anybody else might think about it.