love one another fervently

i hate when i feel the burn of conviction in my heart. those moments when i come face to face with my own filthy sin. those times when i feel about as big as an ant. i was faced with one of those moments this morning. i knew i was feeling that stir in my heart to own up to my actions and thoughts, but i wanted to justify them and blame others. while i do think the company you keep is extremely important to the vitality of a christian, i can't blame my own sin on their influence. in ezekiel, the word tells us that each person is held responsible for his own sin - not that of his father nor that of his children. my sin is my sin. it's mine to face. it's mine to confess. it's mine to repent of. while i am the one completely in the wrong, it's not up to me to make it right. jesus made it right, and it is jesus who will redeem me from that sin - every sin, in fact, that i am faithful to confess. what hope and relief come in that truth! through the beth moore study i'm doing with the single women at church, i've been learning about godly sorrow and true repentance. i feel like this morning i really understood what godly sorrow means. when you realize the impact your sin has on others - no matter how "small" and insignificant it may seem - and on a holy god, it will torture your heart. i felt my heart breaking this morning as i thought on the attitude i had had. i confessed it; i repented (or rather i asked jesus to help me repent); and i asked for wisdom and transparency and genuine fervent love to fill my heart and my life as i try to turn from the nasty attitude that had crept into my heart.

while i know that jesus is quick to forgive me when i ask, there is still a little guilt and fear left when i think about how i have acted. i worry that as jesus begins to transform that part of me and my actions begin to change, that they will not be well-received - that they will seem fake or shallow. my heart's desire is that christ will appear clearly in my actions and that i would be genuine and moved by love - not guilt or fear.

and that i wouldn't worry about what anybody else might think about it.