psalm 78

i think i've already told you this, but i try to read a psalm every day. just kind of keeps my mind focused on praise and not on whining. not that it works all the time, as you can probably attest to if you know me, but i'm trying. i read psalm 78 last night, and it was such perfect timing. i'm getting ready to start a bible study called "a woman's heart: god's dwelling place." it's a study taught from my favorite story in the bible: the deliverance of the children of israel and their time in the desert and eventual arrival to the promised land. i love that story and all of the many and wonderful characteristics of god that i learn about when i read it. it's such a powerful portrayal of god's redeeming power and patience. so i flipped open to psalm 78 (still WAY behind - i should be almost done with psalms), and here is a little of what i read:

They forgot what he had done, the wonders he had shown them.
He did miracles in the sight of their fathers in the land of Egypt, in the region of Zoan.
He divided the sea and led them through; he made the water stand firm like a wall.
He guided them with the cloud by day and with light from the fire all night.
He split the rocks in the desert and gave them water as abundant as the seas;
He brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers.
But they continued to sin against him, rebelling in the desert against the Most High.
They willfully put God to the test by demanding the food they craved.
They spoke against God, saying, "Can God spread a table in the desert?
When he struck the rock, water gushed out, and streams flowed abundantly.
But can he also give us food? Can he supply meat for his people?"
When the LORD heard them, he was very angry; his fire broke out against Jacob, and his wrath rose against Israel, for they did not believe in God or trust in his deliverance.
(v. 11-22)

Yet he was merciful; he forgave their iniquities and did not destroy them.
Time after time he restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath.
He remembered that they were but flesh, a passing breeze that does not return.
(v. 38-39)

how patient the lord has to be with me. time after time i run to everything else but him. i think about the times that i get really angry. that doesn't happen a lot - hardly ever, actually - but when i get truly angry, i can't hold it in. i unleash it on whoever happens to be near me. and it's unfortunate, because it's not pretty. god was legitamately angry. righteously angry. and he "restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath." not only is that insight into just how much god loves me, but it's also an example for me in how to handle my own anger. then, of course, is the reminder that even in my humanity, god loves me. he shows me compassion because i'm human - he doesn't give up on me because i'm sinful. the almighty, all powerful god of the universe restrains his anger against me, because he is mindful of my condition. oh, how marvelous; oh, how wonderful, is my savior's love for me!

this takes me straight back to what i wrote about yesterday. how can i judge somebody else - make fun of somebody else - think i'm better than ANYbody else - when our condition is the same? what am i thinking?! human is human.

there's so much more i could write about from this passage. how god can make anything out of nothing. how he always, always provides. how he is good and faithful. how everyday i CHOOSE to be disobedient and run the other direction. oh man. i don't know why he loves me, or even HOW he loves me. but i'm glad he does.

kind words are like honey...

if you judge people, you have no time to love them.

-mother theresa

since this blog is the place where i try to be most transparent and "real" (i know you love that phrase, e), i have to confess something that i've been struggling with. i have faced the harsh reality that i am not as good as i think i am. a lot of the time i think i've got it together, i'm living this christian life pretty well, doing my part, attending all the right functions, showing up for sunday school, and emailing the girls in my YP (young professionals) group. just when i think i'm doing a pretty good job, that God must be pretty pleased with me, i hear something come out of my mouth that is so ridiculous and so biting and nasty that even i, in my infinite wit and sarcasm, cannot believe that i've just said. i can be downright mean. i say things about people that if someone said about me, would probably make me cry. i make fun of others and make snap judgements based on absolutely nothing but a comment on facebook or something i heard from somebody else sometime ago. my own thoughts and words are disgusting. what's even more disgusting is that most of the time, in my head and my heart i'm thinking, "i don't mean this. i don't want to say this. this isn't the right thing to say. i should tell them to stop talking about him/her." but do i? not a chance. i'd rather just join in on the "fun" and carry on with whoever else is being ugly. i don't WANT to be mean. i don't want to say hurtful things. i don't want to come across rude or stuck-up. that's not who i am. well, it is, because i'm a depraved human, but it's not who i was created to be. i'm not supposed to live as who i am - i'm supposed to live as who i'm created to be. trust me, those are two very different people. if i'm jumping to conclusions about people i don't know, or making fun of them for quirks or strange things they do (let's just face it, people do weird things - myself included), or acting like i'm better than them, how do i find the time to love on them and encourage them like i'm commanded to? the truth is, i don't. it's easy to point out and assess and comment on all the things about a person that i find odd or that i don't agree with instead of relying on the lord to give me grace to accept and love him/her. that's the kicker. i'm not commanded to just accept people. that's not enough. God calls us to love. and love is patient, and it's kind, and it keeps no records of wrongs, and it doesn't envy, and it doesn't boast (1 corinthians 13). love doesn't make fun of people. love doesn't act selfishly towards others. love doesn't seek to put others down to make itself look better. love just loves. what's terrible to think about is not only could i potentially be tearing others down and hurting their hearts, but i'm hurting God's heart when i say harsh things about His beloved children.

so this is what it comes down to: i'm not going to do it anymore. do me a favor, if you're really my friend, and if you really love the Lord like you claim to (like we all claim to), help me with this. don't talk about people. don't let me talk about people. stop it before it starts. how can we sit through church comfortable with ourselves when we've treated people the way we do all week long? i can't do it anymore. sweet water and bitter water can't flow from the same spring (james 3:11). a little bit of bitter goes a long way to spoil the whole thing.

fill me with Your sweet love, Jesus.

you got soul

at the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. it turns up when you don't really expect it. it's like one day you realize the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. the castle, well it might not be a castle. and it's not so important to be happy ever after, but to be happy right now. see, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people may surprise you; and once in a while, people may even just take your breath away.

-grey's anatomy

let me tell you just how refreshing a few days away can be. not even refreshing - healing. once i finally made it out of last week alive, i so desperately needed to be out of greenville for a little bit. something about a salty breeze, hot sand, and a little sunburn can go a long way to soothe the soul.

i love what meredith grey said (the quote above) about faith. even on the days when i feel like everything is going the wrong way, somewhere inside of me, there's something that keeps holding on, because i know that God is good and He is faithful.

today i'm feeling overwhelmed with joy and excitement, because one of my best friends, the one and only lindsey arlene hammond, got engaged on sunday! i am thrilled beyond words for her, because i know that she is so happy! it's such a blessing to see people you love as happy as she is. i can't wait to help plan a wedding! although i'm going to be living with her...she better not turn into bridezilla. ; )

what i have realized lately is that my life is probably not going to turn out anything like i imagined - and that's a good thing (although if i'm being honest, i am not okay with that yet). if i could pick and choose life scenarios, i'd already be married, living in a cute little house downtown, working a part time job as a preschool teacher. since that didn't happen, my next choice would be to be seriously dating the person i'm going to marry, anticipating a ring anytime. also not happening. what do i have instead? a cute apartment that i can do whatever i want with; plenty of time to go where i please with whom i please when i please; a fun group of friends at church and a beautiful assortment of other friends from all over; a job that pays me well; time to explore things that i'm interested in. and while i can't lie, this doesn't always seem appealing to me, it is what it is, and i can't do one thing about it. i am right where i'm supposed to be. i have to keep learning this lesson over and over again. the truth is, my life probably won't look anything like what i have planned. i may end up in another state or overseas. i may end up single until i'm 35 - or single forever. i may end up married but with no children. i may end up meeting mr. right tomorrow. who knows. the things i desire for myself cannot be what define me or define this time in my life. jesus defines me now and always. not marital status. not job. not children. not weight. not hair cut. not number of dates i go on. jesus. i have to remember that. oh, Lord, help me remember that.

you're across the world from me

i have recently discovered the most miserable feeling in all the world. being angry isn't fun. being disappointed is equally as difficult, and being sad makes everything grey. but the one feeling i wish to never feel again is missing someone. but i feel it right now. there are several people (and animals) i am missing, and i think it's the most miserable feeling because you feel everything: disappointed and sad and helpless and frustrated and impatient - i could go on. you know how when you miss somebody you get that achey feeling in your chest? like you're trying not to cry? like you can't really breathe right? i hate that feeling. what's worse is when you can't even talk to the person you miss. that's just plain agony.

i miss my brother. he's been gone for 4 days (but i haven't seen him since last sunday). he's in texas this summer (until august) working at pinecove. he's so happy at pinecove, and i'm glad he's there and proud of him for spending his summer making hardly any money and sharing jesus with high school guys. however, he can't have his cell phone or laptop during the week, so the only chance we have to talk is on saturday evenings when he's usually too busy catching up on laundry, sleep, and hanging out with friends, so call his big sister. understandable, i suppose, but i miss him just the same.

i miss aaron. this is the friend in the army. he just graduated from bootcamp, and he's now at officer candidate school in georgia, and although that's only a state away, it's too far. we were pretty faithful to write each other (yes, old time snail mail) while he was at bootcamp, but right now he's kind of in the transition into this new program, so while he has his phone and laptop, he's still on restriction. there are very few opportunities to talk. and i don't like it. i was really wishing he had his phone last night, because i needed and wanted to tell him about this third thing...

i miss baby bowden. this is the puppy i got when i first moved into my apartment and lived alone in august. i raised this little puppy, and he was my shadow. he went everywhere with me, slept with me, adored me. and i absolutely fell in love with him. at the end of january he went to live with some family friends, because i had gotten swamped at work. yesterday he was hit by a car and killed. i think i cried from about 9:00 pm until 1:00 am. and i have cried all day. it absolutely crushes me. i can't stand to even think about it. he would have turned one on sunday.

i'm just feeling brokenhearted today. about all of the above. i think i have the puffiest eyes in the history of puffy eyes. my boss told me to take tomorrow off for bereavement (haha, kind of). probably because i have to run to the bathroom every five seconds for kleenex.

hopefully the beach this weekend will be good for me.

in other news: amazing lyrics from ray lamontagne...

"let it be me"
there may come a time
a time in everyone's life
when nothing seems to go your way
and nothing turns out right
there may come a time
when you can't seem to find your way
every door you walk in to
seems to get slammed in your face
that's when you need someone
someone you can call
and when all your faith is gone
and you feel like you can't go on
let it be me
let it be me
feels like you're always comin' on home
pocketfuls of nothing and you got no cash
no matter where you turn
you got no place ot stand
reach out for something
and they slap your hand
now i remember all too well
just how it feels to be alone
you feel like you'd give anything
for a place to call your own
that's when you need someone
someone you can call
and when all your faith is gone
and you feel like you can't go on
let it be me
let it be me

wishin' and hopin' and...

hands down the most beautiful lyrics i've heard in a long time:

and now, the sky could be blue

i don't mind

without you it's a waste of time

could be blue, i don't mind

without you it's a waste of time

the sky could be blue, could be grey

without you i just slide away

the sky could be blue

i don't mind

without you it's a waste of time

-coldplay

hm. : )

and there's nothing i can do

"when pharoah let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the phillistines, although that was near. for God said, lest perhaps the people change their minds when they see war, and return to egypt. so God led the people by way of the wilderness around the red sea."
-exodus 13:17-18

this truth hit me so hard last night. when it was time for the israelites to move, God didn't lead them through the nearby path that was obvious and probably easier. He knew that in their fragile humanity, they would see things that would scare them and cause them to run right back to egypt, to pharoah, and to bondage. but hey, at least slavery was familiar. God couldn't risk that. He didn't want His children to turn around and go back. instead, He led them through the wilderness. they had no idea where they were going. they couldn't move ahead without Him, because they didn't know where they were. they couldn't go back, because they'd become hopelessly lost. they had no option but to trust Him - one step at a time.

how many times do i see this in my life? i don't know where i'm going. i know where i've been - and i know who i've been. i don't know where the Lord is leading me, and at times it can be confusing and scary and frustrating. i could turn around and go back, but at this point, i'm so far from where i used to be and who i used to be, that i'd never get back there. i can't jump ahead and figure things out. so i just have to rest here. i have to trust him, and move forward, one tiny step at a time.

my heart is spoken for

i had a brilliant realization this morning. of course, this brilliant realization did not come out of my own wisdom, but from the gentle teaching of my Savior.

i have never had a serious relationship. however, i have dated a good many guys. i know instantaneously whether or not the guy i am with is the right one for me. for a long time i thought there was something wrong with me - why can't i just meet somebody i like? that wasn't the problem. i've always liked the guys i've dated, but there was never that thing - that moment - that feeling - that spark - whatever it is that i know is gonna be there when i meet the right one. it eventually got to be so frustrating that i began to believe (up until about 6 hours ago) that i would never meet the right guy. i'm too picky. i don't know what i want. i'm too difficult. i'm not going to get married. satan will try to tempt you with all sorts of lies when you're frustrated. but what i've learned in these past few hours while contemplating these things is that my heart is spoken for. my heart is not my own to give away. i've done that before, and it was not a good thing. Jesus has my heart, and He is graciously protecting it. that's why i don't fall for every guy i meet. that's why i know instantaneously whether or not something is right. i know exactly what i want, and i'm not compromising that for anything less. i beleive with 100% of my heart and soul and mind that when i meet the man i am supposed to be with, that i will know. and like my mom says, when ya know, ya know.

i'm extremely excited about the time when i finally know. and because of this truth that Jesus has shown me today, i'm prepared to wait for it. to wait excitedly and hopefully for the one He has for me. : )