if you judge people, you have no time to love them.
-mother theresa
since this blog is the place where i try to be most transparent and "real" (i know you love that phrase, e), i have to confess something that i've been struggling with. i have faced the harsh reality that i am not as good as i think i am. a lot of the time i think i've got it together, i'm living this christian life pretty well, doing my part, attending all the right functions, showing up for sunday school, and emailing the girls in my YP (young professionals) group. just when i think i'm doing a pretty good job, that God must be pretty pleased with me, i hear something come out of my mouth that is so ridiculous and so biting and nasty that even i, in my infinite wit and sarcasm, cannot believe that i've just said. i can be downright mean. i say things about people that if someone said about me, would probably make me cry. i make fun of others and make snap judgements based on absolutely nothing but a comment on facebook or something i heard from somebody else sometime ago. my own thoughts and words are disgusting. what's even more disgusting is that most of the time, in my head and my heart i'm thinking, "i don't mean this. i don't want to say this. this isn't the right thing to say. i should tell them to stop talking about him/her." but do i? not a chance. i'd rather just join in on the "fun" and carry on with whoever else is being ugly. i don't WANT to be mean. i don't want to say hurtful things. i don't want to come across rude or stuck-up. that's not who i am. well, it is, because i'm a depraved human, but it's not who i was created to be. i'm not supposed to live as who i am - i'm supposed to live as who i'm created to be. trust me, those are two very different people. if i'm jumping to conclusions about people i don't know, or making fun of them for quirks or strange things they do (let's just face it, people do weird things - myself included), or acting like i'm better than them, how do i find the time to love on them and encourage them like i'm commanded to? the truth is, i don't. it's easy to point out and assess and comment on all the things about a person that i find odd or that i don't agree with instead of relying on the lord to give me grace to accept and love him/her. that's the kicker. i'm not commanded to just accept people. that's not enough. God calls us to love. and love is patient, and it's kind, and it keeps no records of wrongs, and it doesn't envy, and it doesn't boast (1 corinthians 13). love doesn't make fun of people. love doesn't act selfishly towards others. love doesn't seek to put others down to make itself look better. love just loves. what's terrible to think about is not only could i potentially be tearing others down and hurting their hearts, but i'm hurting God's heart when i say harsh things about His beloved children.
so this is what it comes down to: i'm not going to do it anymore. do me a favor, if you're really my friend, and if you really love the Lord like you claim to (like we all claim to), help me with this. don't talk about people. don't let me talk about people. stop it before it starts. how can we sit through church comfortable with ourselves when we've treated people the way we do all week long? i can't do it anymore. sweet water and bitter water can't flow from the same spring (james 3:11). a little bit of bitter goes a long way to spoil the whole thing.
fill me with Your sweet love, Jesus.
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