you're across the world from me

i have recently discovered the most miserable feeling in all the world. being angry isn't fun. being disappointed is equally as difficult, and being sad makes everything grey. but the one feeling i wish to never feel again is missing someone. but i feel it right now. there are several people (and animals) i am missing, and i think it's the most miserable feeling because you feel everything: disappointed and sad and helpless and frustrated and impatient - i could go on. you know how when you miss somebody you get that achey feeling in your chest? like you're trying not to cry? like you can't really breathe right? i hate that feeling. what's worse is when you can't even talk to the person you miss. that's just plain agony.

i miss my brother. he's been gone for 4 days (but i haven't seen him since last sunday). he's in texas this summer (until august) working at pinecove. he's so happy at pinecove, and i'm glad he's there and proud of him for spending his summer making hardly any money and sharing jesus with high school guys. however, he can't have his cell phone or laptop during the week, so the only chance we have to talk is on saturday evenings when he's usually too busy catching up on laundry, sleep, and hanging out with friends, so call his big sister. understandable, i suppose, but i miss him just the same.

i miss aaron. this is the friend in the army. he just graduated from bootcamp, and he's now at officer candidate school in georgia, and although that's only a state away, it's too far. we were pretty faithful to write each other (yes, old time snail mail) while he was at bootcamp, but right now he's kind of in the transition into this new program, so while he has his phone and laptop, he's still on restriction. there are very few opportunities to talk. and i don't like it. i was really wishing he had his phone last night, because i needed and wanted to tell him about this third thing...

i miss baby bowden. this is the puppy i got when i first moved into my apartment and lived alone in august. i raised this little puppy, and he was my shadow. he went everywhere with me, slept with me, adored me. and i absolutely fell in love with him. at the end of january he went to live with some family friends, because i had gotten swamped at work. yesterday he was hit by a car and killed. i think i cried from about 9:00 pm until 1:00 am. and i have cried all day. it absolutely crushes me. i can't stand to even think about it. he would have turned one on sunday.

i'm just feeling brokenhearted today. about all of the above. i think i have the puffiest eyes in the history of puffy eyes. my boss told me to take tomorrow off for bereavement (haha, kind of). probably because i have to run to the bathroom every five seconds for kleenex.

hopefully the beach this weekend will be good for me.

in other news: amazing lyrics from ray lamontagne...

"let it be me"
there may come a time
a time in everyone's life
when nothing seems to go your way
and nothing turns out right
there may come a time
when you can't seem to find your way
every door you walk in to
seems to get slammed in your face
that's when you need someone
someone you can call
and when all your faith is gone
and you feel like you can't go on
let it be me
let it be me
feels like you're always comin' on home
pocketfuls of nothing and you got no cash
no matter where you turn
you got no place ot stand
reach out for something
and they slap your hand
now i remember all too well
just how it feels to be alone
you feel like you'd give anything
for a place to call your own
that's when you need someone
someone you can call
and when all your faith is gone
and you feel like you can't go on
let it be me
let it be me