today has been a ridiculously long day. like, really long. i'm not sure why, because yesterday i was at school for 10 hours, and it flew. today i was there from 7:30 to 3:30, and it crept. and the fact that it's only 5:21. omg.
sin can be so deceptive. sometimes it just out-right looks like sin - and i know it's not a good idea. other times it tricks me. it makes me believe that it's different this time, or it's justified, or it's not that big of a deal. and then you hear somebody say, "you don't believe that, do you, ashley?" uh, well, yeah. i DID. thanks.
paul says in romans that we exchange the truth of god for lies. how often is this true of my own heart? it's baffling to think that i would exchange the TRUTH of god for the LIES of the enemy. why am i so quick to believe that my way is better and that i know best? why do i so easily adopt that god is trying to punish me? why am i eager to think that god really doesn't love me as much as he says he does, so there is no hope for me? i think because deep down i know how absurd it is that he DOES, in fact, love me the way he does. i think it's also because sometimes it's just easier to believe the bad stuff.
i've been thinking of these lyrics today:
she swears that there's no difference
between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her
being lied to or manipulated hurts, but there is freedom and healing in the power of knowing the one absolute truth, jesus christ. ladies: dig in to TRUTH. it will protect your hearts and your minds if you will let it. that's the knowledge and belief that i'm resting in today. he is true - and he will always be true. he is faithful - and he will always be faithful. he is good - and he will always be good.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
good life choices
every time i talk to my dear friend and former roommate, shelby graham salley, she reminds me to "make good life choices." she says it with such enthusiasm and hopeful expectation. tonight i called to tell her a silly story, and at the end of our two-minute conversation, as predicted, she said: "make good choices!" i have a problem with this for two reasons: 1. nobody else makes good life choices, and 2. it's easier to make bad choices.
i appreciate shelby's accountability - don't get me wrong. i'm thankful for it, and, let's be real, i need it. but GEEZ is it hard for me to do and say things that don't come naturally to me. i was reading in colossians 3 earlier, when paul writes that weshould "put on love." "put on" implies that it's something apart from me that has to be chosen and applied to my heart - like clothes to a body. i would much rather choose impatience, pride, unkind words, and selfish attitudes. it's far easier to put on these things, like baggy sweatpants, rather than fight what's convenient. meekness, humility, grace, patience - those things are like skinny jeans: uncomfortable and unnatural - but boooyyyyy do they look good on!
my prayer is that the power of christ would flood my heart so that i would be able to put on love every day.
i appreciate shelby's accountability - don't get me wrong. i'm thankful for it, and, let's be real, i need it. but GEEZ is it hard for me to do and say things that don't come naturally to me. i was reading in colossians 3 earlier, when paul writes that weshould "put on love." "put on" implies that it's something apart from me that has to be chosen and applied to my heart - like clothes to a body. i would much rather choose impatience, pride, unkind words, and selfish attitudes. it's far easier to put on these things, like baggy sweatpants, rather than fight what's convenient. meekness, humility, grace, patience - those things are like skinny jeans: uncomfortable and unnatural - but boooyyyyy do they look good on!
my prayer is that the power of christ would flood my heart so that i would be able to put on love every day.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
quarter life crisis. seriously.
disclaimer: this post will be serious but humorous. such is my life. enjoy.
in the time since i last posted i have turned twenty-five. 25. viente y cinco. i wish i could tell you that with this milestone came great wisdom and insight. alas, it did not. in fact, i feel as though i could sum up my life with the words of pink:
bad decisions, that's alright; welcome to my silly life.
in the realm of bad decisions, i haven't made any that have landed me in jail, pregnant, or on the news, so i feel like that's pretty big accomplishment. however, i've made a lot - too many, in fact - that leave me hurting. remember britney spears (pre-shaved head and 36-hour marriage)? well, guys: oops, i did it again.
i thought something was - it wasn't.
i thought things had changed - they haven't.
i thought some one was - he isn't.
i thought i could - i can't.
unless i just dive right on in to details and specifics, which i am resisting the urge to divulge, there's not much i can say except, "ouch." my heart hurts. i should have seen it coming. definitely should have seen it coming. and i should have known better. nothing left to do but forget it and move on.
in other news: today my brakes went out while i was driving. talk about an adrenaline rush. i was slung in to oncoming traffic with no way to stop until in a swift and brilliant thought i shifted my car in to park. a little whiplash never hurt anyone, right? it did it again while at a huge intersection up the road, only this time it made a noise that sounded similar to what would happen if C3PO jumped into a garbage disposal. i was pretty sure the engine of my car had been left somewhere between walgreens and cvs on laurens road. to my delight, it was not, and i made it in one piece to goodyear where (to my horror) i learned that my brakes were non-existent. super duper. $951 later, i can gently tap my brakes and come to a complete stop without fear of needing a back-up plan should they fail.
later tonight i went to close the back door when holy my gosh what did i spy on my patio but a decapitated and dismembered squirrel. screaming, gagging, jumping and flailing about followed. luckily. seth was here to see lauren, so he manuevered the poor, dead rodent in to a trash bag with a stick and a broom while lauren and i filmed it. i am now searching google to find out how to disinfect my dogs' mouths.
that's enough excitement for one blog post. don't want to overstimulate my dear readers.
in the time since i last posted i have turned twenty-five. 25. viente y cinco. i wish i could tell you that with this milestone came great wisdom and insight. alas, it did not. in fact, i feel as though i could sum up my life with the words of pink:
bad decisions, that's alright; welcome to my silly life.
in the realm of bad decisions, i haven't made any that have landed me in jail, pregnant, or on the news, so i feel like that's pretty big accomplishment. however, i've made a lot - too many, in fact - that leave me hurting. remember britney spears (pre-shaved head and 36-hour marriage)? well, guys: oops, i did it again.
i thought something was - it wasn't.
i thought things had changed - they haven't.
i thought some one was - he isn't.
i thought i could - i can't.
unless i just dive right on in to details and specifics, which i am resisting the urge to divulge, there's not much i can say except, "ouch." my heart hurts. i should have seen it coming. definitely should have seen it coming. and i should have known better. nothing left to do but forget it and move on.
in other news: today my brakes went out while i was driving. talk about an adrenaline rush. i was slung in to oncoming traffic with no way to stop until in a swift and brilliant thought i shifted my car in to park. a little whiplash never hurt anyone, right? it did it again while at a huge intersection up the road, only this time it made a noise that sounded similar to what would happen if C3PO jumped into a garbage disposal. i was pretty sure the engine of my car had been left somewhere between walgreens and cvs on laurens road. to my delight, it was not, and i made it in one piece to goodyear where (to my horror) i learned that my brakes were non-existent. super duper. $951 later, i can gently tap my brakes and come to a complete stop without fear of needing a back-up plan should they fail.
later tonight i went to close the back door when holy my gosh what did i spy on my patio but a decapitated and dismembered squirrel. screaming, gagging, jumping and flailing about followed. luckily. seth was here to see lauren, so he manuevered the poor, dead rodent in to a trash bag with a stick and a broom while lauren and i filmed it. i am now searching google to find out how to disinfect my dogs' mouths.
that's enough excitement for one blog post. don't want to overstimulate my dear readers.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
a thousand times i've failed, still your mercy remains
have you ever made some kind of mistake that you regret so deeply that it makes you sick? of all the ridiculous things i've done in my 24.99999 (my birthday is in 5 days) of living, most i do not think of often, if ever at all. there are a few, however, that creep in to my thoughts regularly and rob me of every ounce of joy, hope, and assurance that i am promised in jesus christ. it's the sins that i commit in moments of insecurity that seem to eat away at me the most. the things i do when i'm trying to heal my own heart, make myself feel better, or take my life in to my own hands - those are the things that end up hurting me deeply.
i look back to some of the choices i've made in the last year of my life and think, oh my word; what was i doing?? these sins that cut me to the soul and stem from my insecurities always come at times when i am trying to protect my heart from jesus. i want to keep him out: his crushing love, his wrecking grace, his loving correction, his wise direction. i don't want it. i want to do whatever i find to be most gratifying - most pleasurable - most "healing." i am not spending regular time in the word; i'm not talking to jesus; i'm not confessing sins and temptations to him or to my sisters in him; i'm not surrendering. interesting how my home remedies only succeed in infecting the wound to the point that my only option is to run straight to christ and ask him to fix me once again.
what's most sickening is that so often i find myself making the same mistakes time and time again. why do i do that?? why don't i just learn the stupid lesson and be done with it?? my own sinfulness scares me. what i'm capable of in my hummanity is disturbing. my ability to flirt so unashamedly with sin fills me with such dread and grief that i can hardly breathe. why do believers, like myself, do this? why do we live like we have no power over sin? why do we live slaves to darkness?
i used to think that living as a slave to sin just meant that i was caught up in sinful acts, but i've recently changed my mind. that is, obviously, one meaning of the phrase. lately, however, i've started thinking that living as a slave to sin can mean living as a slave to the sins of your past. satan is so quick and so ruthless when it comes to reminding me of my sin. he spares no memory, no thought, no emotion. he pulls out all the big guns to torture my mind and my heart. and friends, if you know what i'm talking about - and i believe that if you are trying to walk closely with christ that you do - you know what agony it is to live with the burden of old sin. even confessed sins can weigh on your heart and suck the life right out of you.
i don't have some magic fix for this. i'm just trying to talk through this whole confession-repentance-forgiveness-redemption thing myself. the only thing i know to do is run to truth - cling to truth - throw my heart wrecklessly on the altar of truth.
"if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9
"for he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us in to the kingdom of the son he loves." colossians 1:13
"by cancelling the record of our debt that stood against us with its legal demands. this he set side, having nailed it to the cross." colossians 2:14
"he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities. that punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." isaiah 53:4
"you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us. since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from god's wrath through him! for if, when we were god's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!" romans 5:6-10
"for there is now, therefore, no condemnation for those who are in christ jesus." romans 8:1
"praise be to the god and father of our lord jesus christ! in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of jesus christ from the dead." 1 peter 1:3
i am forgiven. i am redeemed. i have been freed from the power and guilt of sin. i have been freed to hope and joy and a full and rich life - both here and eternally.
i look back to some of the choices i've made in the last year of my life and think, oh my word; what was i doing?? these sins that cut me to the soul and stem from my insecurities always come at times when i am trying to protect my heart from jesus. i want to keep him out: his crushing love, his wrecking grace, his loving correction, his wise direction. i don't want it. i want to do whatever i find to be most gratifying - most pleasurable - most "healing." i am not spending regular time in the word; i'm not talking to jesus; i'm not confessing sins and temptations to him or to my sisters in him; i'm not surrendering. interesting how my home remedies only succeed in infecting the wound to the point that my only option is to run straight to christ and ask him to fix me once again.
what's most sickening is that so often i find myself making the same mistakes time and time again. why do i do that?? why don't i just learn the stupid lesson and be done with it?? my own sinfulness scares me. what i'm capable of in my hummanity is disturbing. my ability to flirt so unashamedly with sin fills me with such dread and grief that i can hardly breathe. why do believers, like myself, do this? why do we live like we have no power over sin? why do we live slaves to darkness?
i used to think that living as a slave to sin just meant that i was caught up in sinful acts, but i've recently changed my mind. that is, obviously, one meaning of the phrase. lately, however, i've started thinking that living as a slave to sin can mean living as a slave to the sins of your past. satan is so quick and so ruthless when it comes to reminding me of my sin. he spares no memory, no thought, no emotion. he pulls out all the big guns to torture my mind and my heart. and friends, if you know what i'm talking about - and i believe that if you are trying to walk closely with christ that you do - you know what agony it is to live with the burden of old sin. even confessed sins can weigh on your heart and suck the life right out of you.
i don't have some magic fix for this. i'm just trying to talk through this whole confession-repentance-forgiveness-redemption thing myself. the only thing i know to do is run to truth - cling to truth - throw my heart wrecklessly on the altar of truth.
"if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9
"for he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us in to the kingdom of the son he loves." colossians 1:13
"by cancelling the record of our debt that stood against us with its legal demands. this he set side, having nailed it to the cross." colossians 2:14
"he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities. that punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." isaiah 53:4
"you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us. since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from god's wrath through him! for if, when we were god's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!" romans 5:6-10
"for there is now, therefore, no condemnation for those who are in christ jesus." romans 8:1
"praise be to the god and father of our lord jesus christ! in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of jesus christ from the dead." 1 peter 1:3
i am forgiven. i am redeemed. i have been freed from the power and guilt of sin. i have been freed to hope and joy and a full and rich life - both here and eternally.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
wise beyond my years
hello, blog enthusiasts! sorry for the deliquency in my posting. i've been a tad busy lately.
this morning i started back working with the high school girls at brushy creek. it feels SO good to be serving in youth ministry again. i have such a heart for high school girls, i think because i feel like i have so much wisdom - by way of tough lessons learned - to share.
this summer we're doing a series on song of solomon that focuses on relationships - love, sex, dating, etc. the lord really timed this quite perfectly. i have learned so many nuggets of truth through many bad relationships. granted, i have made many, many mistakes in this area of my life, but god is abundantly good to forgive me and teach me, even through my rebellion and failures. i am excited about the opportunities i will have over the next several weeks to share my heart and my life with these precious young women. here are some things i want to impress on their hearts:
1. god's way is always best.
2. there is NO guy worth sacrificing your fellowship with christ for.
3. it's easier to be alone than to be with someone who you should not be with.
4. ask god to define your standards for dating and then DO NOT COMPROMISE.
5. if you compromise once, you'll compromise again and again.
6. physical intimacy will destroy your heart.
7. times of singleness are hard and often lonely. don't dwell on it. trust that every season of your life is a gift from god. cherish it. dig in to the word and into gods heart and drink deeply of his love for you.
8. you are not forgotten. society make think you're a mutant for being single, but trust that the lord will draw near to you if you make yourself available.
9. you will never regret waiting on god's best.
10. work on BEING the right person, not FINDING the right person.
11. heartache is inevitable. be wise, but don't be afraid to be vulnerable (when you feel affirmed by the lord's leading). don't allow yourself to grow bitter and cynical.
12. you will probably make some mistakes while dating. don't beat yourself up over them. mourn for your sin, repent, and then chalk it up to experience and move on. god is big enough and good enough to forgive you.
i have to remind myself of these truths all the time. i'm so looking forward to sharing them with these girls! i'm praying that their hearts would be surrendered to the love of christ.
this morning i started back working with the high school girls at brushy creek. it feels SO good to be serving in youth ministry again. i have such a heart for high school girls, i think because i feel like i have so much wisdom - by way of tough lessons learned - to share.
this summer we're doing a series on song of solomon that focuses on relationships - love, sex, dating, etc. the lord really timed this quite perfectly. i have learned so many nuggets of truth through many bad relationships. granted, i have made many, many mistakes in this area of my life, but god is abundantly good to forgive me and teach me, even through my rebellion and failures. i am excited about the opportunities i will have over the next several weeks to share my heart and my life with these precious young women. here are some things i want to impress on their hearts:
1. god's way is always best.
2. there is NO guy worth sacrificing your fellowship with christ for.
3. it's easier to be alone than to be with someone who you should not be with.
4. ask god to define your standards for dating and then DO NOT COMPROMISE.
5. if you compromise once, you'll compromise again and again.
6. physical intimacy will destroy your heart.
7. times of singleness are hard and often lonely. don't dwell on it. trust that every season of your life is a gift from god. cherish it. dig in to the word and into gods heart and drink deeply of his love for you.
8. you are not forgotten. society make think you're a mutant for being single, but trust that the lord will draw near to you if you make yourself available.
9. you will never regret waiting on god's best.
10. work on BEING the right person, not FINDING the right person.
11. heartache is inevitable. be wise, but don't be afraid to be vulnerable (when you feel affirmed by the lord's leading). don't allow yourself to grow bitter and cynical.
12. you will probably make some mistakes while dating. don't beat yourself up over them. mourn for your sin, repent, and then chalk it up to experience and move on. god is big enough and good enough to forgive you.
i have to remind myself of these truths all the time. i'm so looking forward to sharing them with these girls! i'm praying that their hearts would be surrendered to the love of christ.
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