have you ever made some kind of mistake that you regret so deeply that it makes you sick? of all the ridiculous things i've done in my 24.99999 (my birthday is in 5 days) of living, most i do not think of often, if ever at all. there are a few, however, that creep in to my thoughts regularly and rob me of every ounce of joy, hope, and assurance that i am promised in jesus christ. it's the sins that i commit in moments of insecurity that seem to eat away at me the most. the things i do when i'm trying to heal my own heart, make myself feel better, or take my life in to my own hands - those are the things that end up hurting me deeply.
i look back to some of the choices i've made in the last year of my life and think, oh my word; what was i doing?? these sins that cut me to the soul and stem from my insecurities always come at times when i am trying to protect my heart from jesus. i want to keep him out: his crushing love, his wrecking grace, his loving correction, his wise direction. i don't want it. i want to do whatever i find to be most gratifying - most pleasurable - most "healing." i am not spending regular time in the word; i'm not talking to jesus; i'm not confessing sins and temptations to him or to my sisters in him; i'm not surrendering. interesting how my home remedies only succeed in infecting the wound to the point that my only option is to run straight to christ and ask him to fix me once again.
what's most sickening is that so often i find myself making the same mistakes time and time again. why do i do that?? why don't i just learn the stupid lesson and be done with it?? my own sinfulness scares me. what i'm capable of in my hummanity is disturbing. my ability to flirt so unashamedly with sin fills me with such dread and grief that i can hardly breathe. why do believers, like myself, do this? why do we live like we have no power over sin? why do we live slaves to darkness?
i used to think that living as a slave to sin just meant that i was caught up in sinful acts, but i've recently changed my mind. that is, obviously, one meaning of the phrase. lately, however, i've started thinking that living as a slave to sin can mean living as a slave to the sins of your past. satan is so quick and so ruthless when it comes to reminding me of my sin. he spares no memory, no thought, no emotion. he pulls out all the big guns to torture my mind and my heart. and friends, if you know what i'm talking about - and i believe that if you are trying to walk closely with christ that you do - you know what agony it is to live with the burden of old sin. even confessed sins can weigh on your heart and suck the life right out of you.
i don't have some magic fix for this. i'm just trying to talk through this whole confession-repentance-forgiveness-redemption thing myself. the only thing i know to do is run to truth - cling to truth - throw my heart wrecklessly on the altar of truth.
"if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9
"for he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us in to the kingdom of the son he loves." colossians 1:13
"by cancelling the record of our debt that stood against us with its legal demands. this he set side, having nailed it to the cross." colossians 2:14
"he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities. that punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." isaiah 53:4
"you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us. since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from god's wrath through him! for if, when we were god's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!" romans 5:6-10
"for there is now, therefore, no condemnation for those who are in christ jesus." romans 8:1
"praise be to the god and father of our lord jesus christ! in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of jesus christ from the dead." 1 peter 1:3
i am forgiven. i am redeemed. i have been freed from the power and guilt of sin. i have been freed to hope and joy and a full and rich life - both here and eternally.
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