have you ever had one of those days where you genuinely feel like you have just been with Jesus all day? you've just basked in his presence? i know that i am always in his presence, because i am filled with his Holy Spirit, but today it seemed that i was able to really soak him up and enjoy him. here's why...
this quote has been weighing on my heart today (and y'all know how i love a good quote):
"in a world so full of suffering, why should i be so blessed?" (brett dennen)
i woke up this morning (i could stop right there - i woke up.) in a huge, cozy bed with my favorite t-shirt material sheets with a new comforter and pillows purchased by my sweet momma. i hopped out of my bed, greeted by sunshine and kisses from two, funny dogs that adore me (and that i love to pieces). i walked into the kitchen of the home that i own, and opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water and yogurt for breakfast (and i had the option of many other things to eat). i turned on my ipod, walked into my den, opened the blinds to find the most perfect day waiting for me. i sat down to check my email on a new laptop. i found an encouraging email from my mom waiting for me. i checked my bank account to find that i have plenty of money to last until my next pay day. i took a shower with hot water and lots of girly, smelly products. i had the choice of many different clothes to put on. i got in my car and drove to church, where i worshipped without fear of being arrested, persecuted, or killed. i went out to lunch with three sweet friends. i stopped on my way home and put seventy dollars worth of gas into my car (which was given to me as a birthday gift for my 20th birthday). i came home, opened the windows, felt a cool breeze, and fell asleep on my couch. i went to the grocery store and spent one hundred dollars on food. i got to talk to my accountability partner in sweden. i turned my ipod back on, opened my bible, sat down with a bowl of spaghetti (my favorite dinner), and sat in disbelief at how blessed i am. i mean really, who lives like this?
why me? why did Jesus choose me - call me out? why does he want ME? i'm nothing. i am so accutely aware of how nothing i am. and even worse than being nothing, i am a sinner. it absolutely blows my mind that i am given days like today. and when i think about it, why isn't every day i am given like this? why do i choose so often to focus on the things that don't go my way? why do i expect any more than what i've already been given - because i have already been given too much. i deserve hell, and yet i'm given heaven freely. and i know this earthly life isn't perfect, but days like today are so, so close.
i read this in ecclesiastes 3 today:
"i know nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives; and, also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor - it's the gift of God."
Jesus wants me to enjoy the things he's given me. he's given me so much so that i might DO something with it.
i also read this in 1 peter 2 today:
"but you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, his own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy."
those words are underlined in my bible to the point that i can hardly read them. they move my heart to tears. friends, when will we stop living our lives wrecklessly - unaware of the love the Father has for us - ignorant of the responsibility that comes with being his chosen generation - wasting his blessings? at the risk of offending some of my baptist friends (particularly my mother - love ya, mom): he didn't choose everybody. there are people who will go to hell. i know that's not exactly politically correct in the year 2011, but the Word of God is outside of time, and it is true forever. nothing in myself initiated a relationship with God. in fact, everything in me hated God. it was God (and is God), who initiated with me. he moved my heart to repentance and salvation. he gives me the desire to know him and the ability to love him. he gives me a new, clean heart, and he makes me holy as he is holy. it's God. and because God is God, and he is wrathful, and he is just, there will be people who go to hell. we don't like to think about this, but the point is: grace is so overwhelming, because it isn't given to all. he. chose. ME. if you know him, he. chose. YOU. he chose me to know him and serve him and spend eternity with him. that truth in and of itself should completely knock us to our knees - to our faces, actually.
i guess the old question, "why me?" is two-fold. why me? why am i so blessed? it's only by the amazing grace and love of the God of the universe. i just got chills. now the question for those of us who are in Christ is this: how will we respond? because it's not about the blessings, it's about the One who blesses.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
thursday - part 2
for whatever reason, today the Lord really pressed habakkuk on my heart. i know what you're thinking. i was thinking the same thing before i sat down to study it. "who on earth is habakkuk, and where is that in my bible?" (in case you're wondering, nobody really knows who habakkuk is, and the book can be found between nahum and zephaniah.) i had one verse underlined in the book - which, let me tell you, may seem tiny (only three chapters) but is filled with huge truths. i had no idea what to expect out of the passages i was staring at. i get a little nervous before i embark on a study i haven't attempted before. i always wonder if i'll be able to understand the text, glean from it, and apply it. i was really deliberate to talk to Jesus about this tonight before i got started. i need to be more faithful to do that each time i sit down with my Bible. alas, i am human. anyway. i prayed that he would speak to me through his word and absolutely tear my heart apart. i asked for encouragement and conviction. i also asked him to tie it so closely to my life now that how to apply it would be obvious. "ask and you shall receive."
here's a basic rundown of the book:
who - habakkuk (kind of a no-name prophet), judah, and the chaldeans
when - around 600 bc
where - judah (this is where jerusalem was located)
what - basically, the chaldeans had come through and crushed judah (God's people). habakkuk is surrounded by confusion, devestation, and chaos, and he asks God "why?" why is evil prevailing? why is the law corrupt? why is God allowing his people to suffer tyranny? godlessness is reigning. God replies in verse 5:
"look among the nations and watch - be utterly astounded! for i will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you."
God goes on to confirm that the chaldeans are indeed a terrible people, but he never gives a reason. he never explains why. he doesn't say, "well, habakkuk. the reason i'm allowing this is because...and it will be over on this day...and the fruits my people will develop during this season are..." doesn't happen.
*here's some info on the chaldeans: they were conquerers. it's what they did. they conquered babylon, but babylonian culture maintained. the people were marked by lawlessness and confusion linked to godlessness. they were a people driven by wealth, fame, pleasure, and power. under king nebuchadnezzar, the babylonians destroyed jerusalem (capital of judah), and the jews were taken into captivity for seventy years (as prophesied by jeremiah). ezekiel and daniel were captives in babylon during this time. babylonian religion was based on a system of gods, and every city had a temple for a particular god. they were driven by mythology and legends. their law was totally corrupt and centered on hammurabi's code of law (a system of trespasses and punishments).
application - how often do i see the news or something online and think, "God, why would you let that happen?" let's bring it a little closer to home. how often have i found myself in a situation that was unfair - where wrong prevailed, and i had to suck it up and deal with it? lately, quite often. how often do we see or experience suffering and ask "why?" and how often does God give us a thesis on his explanation? um, i'm gonna go with never. but what he does do is make us a promise: "look and watch - be utterly astounded, ashley! i will work a work in your days, and you wouldn't believe me even if i told you about it!" it's a promise, friends! he WILL work. and it WILL be utterly astounding. it makes me think of times in scripture when God did lay out his plan a little more clearly to his people. think about abraham. God promised to make him the father of many nations, and abraham kind of laughed at him. i think the same would be true of myself if God told me up front what he had in store for me. i wouldn't believe him; therefore, i wouldn't trust him. because i have no flippin idea the incredible things he has planned for my life, i am forced to trust him. it's hard in the moment, because i like to know what's going on. i don't do well with unknown. but it's another way God shows me kindness; he knows i need to be forced to trust him, because if i'm not, i simply won't. i'll trust in me, in my plan, in possessions, and in people. he can't give me the details of his ellaborate, master plan. i don't have to walk by faith if he does that. if you jump over to habakkuk 2:4 it says, "the just shall live by faith." that's kind of two-fold: an expectation and a promise. we can expect not to have answers and explanations. but we can trust the promise that he is at work, and he is faithful to complete that work (philippians 1:6).
so here's the challenge, sweet friends: look around you. watch, and be utterly astounded. seek Christ in the little things (like a dove dark chocolate wrapper!). expect his faithfulness. trust him when he promises that he is working. be an active participant in the work he is doing in your life. celebrate it!
here's a basic rundown of the book:
who - habakkuk (kind of a no-name prophet), judah, and the chaldeans
when - around 600 bc
where - judah (this is where jerusalem was located)
what - basically, the chaldeans had come through and crushed judah (God's people). habakkuk is surrounded by confusion, devestation, and chaos, and he asks God "why?" why is evil prevailing? why is the law corrupt? why is God allowing his people to suffer tyranny? godlessness is reigning. God replies in verse 5:
"look among the nations and watch - be utterly astounded! for i will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you."
God goes on to confirm that the chaldeans are indeed a terrible people, but he never gives a reason. he never explains why. he doesn't say, "well, habakkuk. the reason i'm allowing this is because...and it will be over on this day...and the fruits my people will develop during this season are..." doesn't happen.
*here's some info on the chaldeans: they were conquerers. it's what they did. they conquered babylon, but babylonian culture maintained. the people were marked by lawlessness and confusion linked to godlessness. they were a people driven by wealth, fame, pleasure, and power. under king nebuchadnezzar, the babylonians destroyed jerusalem (capital of judah), and the jews were taken into captivity for seventy years (as prophesied by jeremiah). ezekiel and daniel were captives in babylon during this time. babylonian religion was based on a system of gods, and every city had a temple for a particular god. they were driven by mythology and legends. their law was totally corrupt and centered on hammurabi's code of law (a system of trespasses and punishments).
application - how often do i see the news or something online and think, "God, why would you let that happen?" let's bring it a little closer to home. how often have i found myself in a situation that was unfair - where wrong prevailed, and i had to suck it up and deal with it? lately, quite often. how often do we see or experience suffering and ask "why?" and how often does God give us a thesis on his explanation? um, i'm gonna go with never. but what he does do is make us a promise: "look and watch - be utterly astounded, ashley! i will work a work in your days, and you wouldn't believe me even if i told you about it!" it's a promise, friends! he WILL work. and it WILL be utterly astounding. it makes me think of times in scripture when God did lay out his plan a little more clearly to his people. think about abraham. God promised to make him the father of many nations, and abraham kind of laughed at him. i think the same would be true of myself if God told me up front what he had in store for me. i wouldn't believe him; therefore, i wouldn't trust him. because i have no flippin idea the incredible things he has planned for my life, i am forced to trust him. it's hard in the moment, because i like to know what's going on. i don't do well with unknown. but it's another way God shows me kindness; he knows i need to be forced to trust him, because if i'm not, i simply won't. i'll trust in me, in my plan, in possessions, and in people. he can't give me the details of his ellaborate, master plan. i don't have to walk by faith if he does that. if you jump over to habakkuk 2:4 it says, "the just shall live by faith." that's kind of two-fold: an expectation and a promise. we can expect not to have answers and explanations. but we can trust the promise that he is at work, and he is faithful to complete that work (philippians 1:6).
so here's the challenge, sweet friends: look around you. watch, and be utterly astounded. seek Christ in the little things (like a dove dark chocolate wrapper!). expect his faithfulness. trust him when he promises that he is working. be an active participant in the work he is doing in your life. celebrate it!
dove dark chocolates...
are so delicious. and inspiring. as if the chocolates were not reason enough to throw the lovely, red bag into my shopping cart at publix, the messages printed on the inside of the candy wrappers are well-worth the four bucks they cost. more on this subject to come.
here's something i learned about myself today: i like easy street.
there are so many things i want to share, but i feel like i need to protect the situation - so i'm gonna have to spare you for once. what i can tell you is that today the Lord totally flipped a switch in my heart. it was like all of a sudden i saw exactly why i was feeling so dissatisfied and restless: things haven't been coming easily. i've faced a lot of opposition - a lot of criticism - a lot of lonely stands recently. i've looked for an escape in every possible direction, and God will not open a door; in fact, he keeps slamming them in my face. i've been so frustrated with Him - screaming out to him, demanding to know why he's telling me no and to stay put. why is he doing this? because i'm right where i'm supposed to be.
tie in dove chocolates: for the past two weeks every time i eat a chocolate (which i'll go on and confess has been frequently) i've gotten the same wrapper: "you are exactly where you're supposed to be." i don't believe in signs, but i also don't believe in coincidences. i think God often works in the little, seemingly insignificant ways to reveal himself to us. i didn't get the message until today.
i used to think that if i was in God's will - that if i was doing what i was supposed to be doing - that if i was walking closely with him - things would just be easy. this is just one of the many contorted theologies i've adopted over the years. what's most shocking is that i could look at Christ's life - the actual Son of God - God himself - and see that he was obedient to the point of death, and that the road was anything but easy - and then think that my life should somehow be different. Jesus was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing; yet his own brothers and sisters thought he was crazy. his hometown shunned him. he faced constant opposition from the pharisees. his life was regularly in jeopardy, until eventually it was ended.
here's something else that's true about me: i have been wanting adventure. i've been craving it, because i long for challenge and struggle and hard work. what i didn't realize is that i've got it. the place i'm in right now is a challenge - it's a struggle - and it's definitely hard work. i'm out of my comfort zone. i'm exhausted. i'm being used up. i'm learning lessons in love and patience and selflessness. i'm being stretched beyond what i think i'm capable of. and yet i still want to think i'm in the wrong place.
in acts 5, the apostles rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ. that's like a stab in the heart. instead of rejoicing that my God is risen and alive, is working in my life for my sanctification, and using me for his glory, i choose to seek an alternative route, because this one is too hard. i'd like to thank america for teaching me that instant gratifiction through cheating, lying, stealing, and handouts is the goal.
i don't get many things right, and i don't understand even more. but today i know that God revealed his heart to me - he wants me right where i am. he wants to teach me and stretch me and grow me in ways that would not be possible if i were anywhere but here. and he wants to love through me - pursue his children through me - work through me. that is an honor and unbelievable responsibility. instead of whining about how hard things are, i oughta be thanking God for his amazing saving grace, his finished work on the cross, and his desire to change me and use me.
i don't know what the end result of this current season is supposed to be. i don't know that i'll ever know or see it. but i was reminded of this verse today:
"for still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. if it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come. it will not delay." (habukkuk 2:3)
there is a vision for my life. my prayer is that everyday i'll surrender my own to God's - that i would seek his with everything in me - and that i would persevere and press on to follow it and live it and rejoice in it. the promise of Christ himself is enough to keep me moving even when i don't feel like it.
i'm ending today on a great note: excited and full of joy and peace, trusting that God knows better than i, and that my sanctification and his glory are far more important than my momentary comfort in this life - feeling refreshed my his pressence and his word and his promises!
here's something i learned about myself today: i like easy street.
there are so many things i want to share, but i feel like i need to protect the situation - so i'm gonna have to spare you for once. what i can tell you is that today the Lord totally flipped a switch in my heart. it was like all of a sudden i saw exactly why i was feeling so dissatisfied and restless: things haven't been coming easily. i've faced a lot of opposition - a lot of criticism - a lot of lonely stands recently. i've looked for an escape in every possible direction, and God will not open a door; in fact, he keeps slamming them in my face. i've been so frustrated with Him - screaming out to him, demanding to know why he's telling me no and to stay put. why is he doing this? because i'm right where i'm supposed to be.
tie in dove chocolates: for the past two weeks every time i eat a chocolate (which i'll go on and confess has been frequently) i've gotten the same wrapper: "you are exactly where you're supposed to be." i don't believe in signs, but i also don't believe in coincidences. i think God often works in the little, seemingly insignificant ways to reveal himself to us. i didn't get the message until today.
i used to think that if i was in God's will - that if i was doing what i was supposed to be doing - that if i was walking closely with him - things would just be easy. this is just one of the many contorted theologies i've adopted over the years. what's most shocking is that i could look at Christ's life - the actual Son of God - God himself - and see that he was obedient to the point of death, and that the road was anything but easy - and then think that my life should somehow be different. Jesus was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing; yet his own brothers and sisters thought he was crazy. his hometown shunned him. he faced constant opposition from the pharisees. his life was regularly in jeopardy, until eventually it was ended.
here's something else that's true about me: i have been wanting adventure. i've been craving it, because i long for challenge and struggle and hard work. what i didn't realize is that i've got it. the place i'm in right now is a challenge - it's a struggle - and it's definitely hard work. i'm out of my comfort zone. i'm exhausted. i'm being used up. i'm learning lessons in love and patience and selflessness. i'm being stretched beyond what i think i'm capable of. and yet i still want to think i'm in the wrong place.
in acts 5, the apostles rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ. that's like a stab in the heart. instead of rejoicing that my God is risen and alive, is working in my life for my sanctification, and using me for his glory, i choose to seek an alternative route, because this one is too hard. i'd like to thank america for teaching me that instant gratifiction through cheating, lying, stealing, and handouts is the goal.
i don't get many things right, and i don't understand even more. but today i know that God revealed his heart to me - he wants me right where i am. he wants to teach me and stretch me and grow me in ways that would not be possible if i were anywhere but here. and he wants to love through me - pursue his children through me - work through me. that is an honor and unbelievable responsibility. instead of whining about how hard things are, i oughta be thanking God for his amazing saving grace, his finished work on the cross, and his desire to change me and use me.
i don't know what the end result of this current season is supposed to be. i don't know that i'll ever know or see it. but i was reminded of this verse today:
"for still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. if it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come. it will not delay." (habukkuk 2:3)
there is a vision for my life. my prayer is that everyday i'll surrender my own to God's - that i would seek his with everything in me - and that i would persevere and press on to follow it and live it and rejoice in it. the promise of Christ himself is enough to keep me moving even when i don't feel like it.
i'm ending today on a great note: excited and full of joy and peace, trusting that God knows better than i, and that my sanctification and his glory are far more important than my momentary comfort in this life - feeling refreshed my his pressence and his word and his promises!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
live the life you love - love the life you live
i'm listening to john mayer on pandora right now. "slow dancing" just came on. you know what this does to me.
anyway.
i'm still working on this "loving well" thing. i know i'll be working on it everyday for the rest of my life, but let me tell you: i'm not lying when i call it "work." it's tough. and i really feel like over the past several weeks i've had the limit of my ability to love tested. already this shows me how un-Christlike i am. "the limit of my ability to love." the fact that such a limit exists saddens me, but leads to pray more earnestly for Jesus to fill my heart with his eternal and unconditional love.
i've settled in on philippians 2:2-4 for this evening:
"fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, and of one mind. let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowlinesss of mind let each of you esteem others better than yourself. let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
ugh. no thanks. here are my problems with the instructions above:
1. there's a whole lot of people who i don't really like, much less love.
2. most of the time i am totally resemblant of my preschoolers - egocentric and only able to think of me.
then i jump over and read philippians 2:8:
"...he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death..."
and then i really feel crappy.
when will i ever fully grasp that this life isn't about me? when will i totally embrace God-centered theology, and leave my ashley-centered theology behind? who the heck cares what i want? um, oh yeah, nobody. God loves me, so obviously he cares about things i care about, but let's be real: he's GOD. my petty hang-ups with people, circumstances, uncomfortable situations, personal agendas, and life plans are really no match for his desire to make himself famous. and i should go ahead and also get a handle on the fact that he does not need me. apart from him i'm nothing but dust anyway. what use am i to the Holy of Holies, the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe? and what business do i have telling that same great and infinite God what i will and will not do, who i am and am not okay with loving, and what i am and am not comfortable with accepting as my life situation? riiight. good one, smash.
a command ellicits obedience. i'm commanded to love (over and over and over). obedience ellicits humility. humility ellicits death to self. why can't i love others? it's simple: my pride.
here's the thing about death: you can't halfway die. it's not possible. you're either dead, or you're alive. so much about our american culture teaches us to do just enough - just get by - just make people think you're doing a good job. i don't like that mentality. in fact, it makes me sick. it makes me sick, because sometimes i find myself living that way. sometimes i want to live halfway for Jesus and halfway for me. truthfully, it's probably more like 70-30. please don't misunderstand me: i love Jesus. he is the absolute one, true cry of my heart and soul. i want to know him and make him known and pursue him and experience his pursuit of me. however, i try to be 100% transparent here, so in case you didn't know: i'm still human. moving on.
i want to die to myself. i want to die to myself over and over and over again. i want to keep laying my life down at the cross so that it's Jesus who lives through me. if i'm alive, i want to be alive in Christ and by Christ and through Christ. i want to die to myself so that i can show humility so that i can be obedient so that i can love others well.
step one: die to self every moment of every day.
i think what i've learned over the past year especially is that being a christian is about making the decision to submit every other decision you will ever make to Jesus. the truth is, i DO get it. i do understand that my life is not my own - i was purchased at a price and therefore belong to the One who paid my ransom. i am thankful beyond words for this display of grace at work in my life. i'm praying that the same God who covers me in his grace will give me faith to surrender my life at the cross every moment of every day - to embrace humility - to be led to obedience - and to then be able to love others well.
anyway.
i'm still working on this "loving well" thing. i know i'll be working on it everyday for the rest of my life, but let me tell you: i'm not lying when i call it "work." it's tough. and i really feel like over the past several weeks i've had the limit of my ability to love tested. already this shows me how un-Christlike i am. "the limit of my ability to love." the fact that such a limit exists saddens me, but leads to pray more earnestly for Jesus to fill my heart with his eternal and unconditional love.
i've settled in on philippians 2:2-4 for this evening:
"fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, and of one mind. let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowlinesss of mind let each of you esteem others better than yourself. let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
ugh. no thanks. here are my problems with the instructions above:
1. there's a whole lot of people who i don't really like, much less love.
2. most of the time i am totally resemblant of my preschoolers - egocentric and only able to think of me.
then i jump over and read philippians 2:8:
"...he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death..."
and then i really feel crappy.
when will i ever fully grasp that this life isn't about me? when will i totally embrace God-centered theology, and leave my ashley-centered theology behind? who the heck cares what i want? um, oh yeah, nobody. God loves me, so obviously he cares about things i care about, but let's be real: he's GOD. my petty hang-ups with people, circumstances, uncomfortable situations, personal agendas, and life plans are really no match for his desire to make himself famous. and i should go ahead and also get a handle on the fact that he does not need me. apart from him i'm nothing but dust anyway. what use am i to the Holy of Holies, the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe? and what business do i have telling that same great and infinite God what i will and will not do, who i am and am not okay with loving, and what i am and am not comfortable with accepting as my life situation? riiight. good one, smash.
a command ellicits obedience. i'm commanded to love (over and over and over). obedience ellicits humility. humility ellicits death to self. why can't i love others? it's simple: my pride.
here's the thing about death: you can't halfway die. it's not possible. you're either dead, or you're alive. so much about our american culture teaches us to do just enough - just get by - just make people think you're doing a good job. i don't like that mentality. in fact, it makes me sick. it makes me sick, because sometimes i find myself living that way. sometimes i want to live halfway for Jesus and halfway for me. truthfully, it's probably more like 70-30. please don't misunderstand me: i love Jesus. he is the absolute one, true cry of my heart and soul. i want to know him and make him known and pursue him and experience his pursuit of me. however, i try to be 100% transparent here, so in case you didn't know: i'm still human. moving on.
i want to die to myself. i want to die to myself over and over and over again. i want to keep laying my life down at the cross so that it's Jesus who lives through me. if i'm alive, i want to be alive in Christ and by Christ and through Christ. i want to die to myself so that i can show humility so that i can be obedient so that i can love others well.
step one: die to self every moment of every day.
i think what i've learned over the past year especially is that being a christian is about making the decision to submit every other decision you will ever make to Jesus. the truth is, i DO get it. i do understand that my life is not my own - i was purchased at a price and therefore belong to the One who paid my ransom. i am thankful beyond words for this display of grace at work in my life. i'm praying that the same God who covers me in his grace will give me faith to surrender my life at the cross every moment of every day - to embrace humility - to be led to obedience - and to then be able to love others well.
Monday, February 21, 2011
loving well: day one
the most important goal for my life is to know Christ and to make him known. there's not really a secondary goal to that, but i guess more of the action that i have to take to accomplish that goal: to love others well.
here's what the bible says about love: it's patient and kind; it's not jealous or prideful; it's not rude or self-seeking; it's not easily provoked; love thinks no evil; love keeps no record of wrongs; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. love never fails.
that's what i'm called to. interesting.
here's what i know about myself:
i'm impatient. i start screaming if i'm having to travel at the speed limit. i'm often not kind and find myself doing and saying things that shock even myself. i can be envious, particularly when i compare myself to other women. but i can also be envious of spiritual things: girls who are more faithful, more gentle, more reserved. i am entirely prideful all the time and most of the time i disgust even myself. i like to see the faults in others, and think that i've got everything together. i am rude when i don't feel like being kind. i am sarcastic and can be flippant and arrogant. i am self-seeking, even when i'm most selfless. i'm easily annoyed when things do not go my way or people interrupt my plan. i think things i shouldn't. i keep score of offenses made against me, even when i don't mean to. sometimes i want to give up on people and dreams and promises that God has made to me when i don't see immediate results.
it's not in me to love well. it's not in my make-up. it's a fight everyday to love - even the people i love the most. maybe especially the people i love the most.
today on the way to school, on a monday morning, after very little sleep, at 7 am, when i am usually sipping on my orange juice and rocking out to something happy and upbeat, i turned off my radio. i took the 15 minute trip to school to get quiet and let my heart intersect with God's heart. i wanted him to supernaturally open up my weak, human heart and pour out his unbelievable and unconditional love into it. i wanted to walk into school and leave whatever thoughts of things going on in my own life to give 100% of myself to my kids for 8 hours of my day. i wanted to engage passionately in the day, interact with my kids, love on them, hold them, wipe their tears, giggle with them, listen to them patiently, and just be used up for them. and i did. i gave up myself to serve - to be selfless - to love well - and Jesus was faithful to love through me. it was an awesome day.
i can't love well on my own. there's no point for me to try. but when i surrender a willing and passionate heart to a loving God, his love can move freely through me.
i'm praying that i will surrender my heart to him every moment of everyday - that he will give me power to and faithfulness to surrender my heart everyday.
here's what the bible says about love: it's patient and kind; it's not jealous or prideful; it's not rude or self-seeking; it's not easily provoked; love thinks no evil; love keeps no record of wrongs; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. love never fails.
that's what i'm called to. interesting.
here's what i know about myself:
i'm impatient. i start screaming if i'm having to travel at the speed limit. i'm often not kind and find myself doing and saying things that shock even myself. i can be envious, particularly when i compare myself to other women. but i can also be envious of spiritual things: girls who are more faithful, more gentle, more reserved. i am entirely prideful all the time and most of the time i disgust even myself. i like to see the faults in others, and think that i've got everything together. i am rude when i don't feel like being kind. i am sarcastic and can be flippant and arrogant. i am self-seeking, even when i'm most selfless. i'm easily annoyed when things do not go my way or people interrupt my plan. i think things i shouldn't. i keep score of offenses made against me, even when i don't mean to. sometimes i want to give up on people and dreams and promises that God has made to me when i don't see immediate results.
it's not in me to love well. it's not in my make-up. it's a fight everyday to love - even the people i love the most. maybe especially the people i love the most.
today on the way to school, on a monday morning, after very little sleep, at 7 am, when i am usually sipping on my orange juice and rocking out to something happy and upbeat, i turned off my radio. i took the 15 minute trip to school to get quiet and let my heart intersect with God's heart. i wanted him to supernaturally open up my weak, human heart and pour out his unbelievable and unconditional love into it. i wanted to walk into school and leave whatever thoughts of things going on in my own life to give 100% of myself to my kids for 8 hours of my day. i wanted to engage passionately in the day, interact with my kids, love on them, hold them, wipe their tears, giggle with them, listen to them patiently, and just be used up for them. and i did. i gave up myself to serve - to be selfless - to love well - and Jesus was faithful to love through me. it was an awesome day.
i can't love well on my own. there's no point for me to try. but when i surrender a willing and passionate heart to a loving God, his love can move freely through me.
i'm praying that i will surrender my heart to him every moment of everyday - that he will give me power to and faithfulness to surrender my heart everyday.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
ecclesiastes continued
the passage of scripture i posted earlier is so rich in truths that encourage my heart. here are some things i'm taking away from ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
1. every tiny little thing has a time and a purpose.
lately, i've found myself asking "why" a lot more often. i want answers. i want to understand. the bottom line is that God's word is just that: God's word. it doesn't change. it's truth. it's a promise. "there is a season for everything, and a time for every purpose under heaven." there is a reason. always. and because i know that in romans 8:28 God promises that all things work for my good because i love him and i'm called to his will, i can believe and hope in the truth that the reason is for his glory and my sanctification. my "good" isn't my happiness - my "good" is my holiness. i need to remember that.
2. seasons come and go.
seasons in life come and go. grief, joy, contentment, dissatisfaction, anger, planting, harvest, life, death. they come and go, and they come and go often. when one passes, another one comes, and the one that has passed will come around again.
3. it's okay to go through seasons.
tonight i took great comfort in reading the familiar verses of ecclesiastes 3:1-8. it just felt okay to be human, and that's a good place to be. not okay with my sinfulness - not that aspect of my hummanity, but okay with the current condition of my heart: a mess.
4. "a time to break down, and a time to build up."
some times God needs to break us down so he can put us back together. i know this is true, because this has happened repeatedly in my life. i've been thinking of that jimmy needham song "hurricane" all day: "i need you like a hurricane - thunder, crashing wind and rain - to tear my walls down; i'm only your's now." being ripped apart hurts, but fortunately, when i just throw my hands up in surrender, the pain is intertwined with beauty and hope and lots and lots of grace. i can't say i enjoy pain, but i like to feel it. i sound like a massichist. i feel things deeply, and i love that (most of the time). feeling anything makes you feel alive - and i love it. it also reminds me that Jesus is breaking me to make him more like himself. and i'm totally okay with that.
5. "a time to weep, and a time to laugh. a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
it's okay to weep. it's okay to mourn. it's okay to be sad. but it's important to choose the hope that i have in christ. when he says the past is the past and he is doing a new thing, i can claim that and celebrate that. one of my best friends, valerie, always tells me, "rejection is God's protection." when things don't work out, it's okay to grieve those things, but i can rejoice in the truth that God has something better for me in store. it's not just a corny saying - it's the truth found in his word.
6. "a time to gain, and a time to lose. a time to keep, and a time to throw away."
have you ever heard "you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em"? sometimes i need to know when to let go, and other times God will let go for me - as in he will rip things out of my hands when i am holding too tightly to them. that needs to happen sometimes, and then i need to trust him when he tells me that it was for the best. oh, that darn trust thing.
7. "a time to tear, and a time to sew."
see number 4. kind of the same deal. this verse reminds me of in hosea when it says, "God has torn us, but now he will heal us." sounds to me like the old catchphrase "beauty is pain" is true. if tearing my heart apart makes me more like Christ, then i hope he will break my heart every day.
there's a time and purpose for everything - every season - every person - every moment. and even in the messy parts and the bare seasons and the desert places, our faithful Father promises to make everything beautiful in HIS time (ecclesiastes 3:11).
1. every tiny little thing has a time and a purpose.
lately, i've found myself asking "why" a lot more often. i want answers. i want to understand. the bottom line is that God's word is just that: God's word. it doesn't change. it's truth. it's a promise. "there is a season for everything, and a time for every purpose under heaven." there is a reason. always. and because i know that in romans 8:28 God promises that all things work for my good because i love him and i'm called to his will, i can believe and hope in the truth that the reason is for his glory and my sanctification. my "good" isn't my happiness - my "good" is my holiness. i need to remember that.
2. seasons come and go.
seasons in life come and go. grief, joy, contentment, dissatisfaction, anger, planting, harvest, life, death. they come and go, and they come and go often. when one passes, another one comes, and the one that has passed will come around again.
3. it's okay to go through seasons.
tonight i took great comfort in reading the familiar verses of ecclesiastes 3:1-8. it just felt okay to be human, and that's a good place to be. not okay with my sinfulness - not that aspect of my hummanity, but okay with the current condition of my heart: a mess.
4. "a time to break down, and a time to build up."
some times God needs to break us down so he can put us back together. i know this is true, because this has happened repeatedly in my life. i've been thinking of that jimmy needham song "hurricane" all day: "i need you like a hurricane - thunder, crashing wind and rain - to tear my walls down; i'm only your's now." being ripped apart hurts, but fortunately, when i just throw my hands up in surrender, the pain is intertwined with beauty and hope and lots and lots of grace. i can't say i enjoy pain, but i like to feel it. i sound like a massichist. i feel things deeply, and i love that (most of the time). feeling anything makes you feel alive - and i love it. it also reminds me that Jesus is breaking me to make him more like himself. and i'm totally okay with that.
5. "a time to weep, and a time to laugh. a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
it's okay to weep. it's okay to mourn. it's okay to be sad. but it's important to choose the hope that i have in christ. when he says the past is the past and he is doing a new thing, i can claim that and celebrate that. one of my best friends, valerie, always tells me, "rejection is God's protection." when things don't work out, it's okay to grieve those things, but i can rejoice in the truth that God has something better for me in store. it's not just a corny saying - it's the truth found in his word.
6. "a time to gain, and a time to lose. a time to keep, and a time to throw away."
have you ever heard "you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em"? sometimes i need to know when to let go, and other times God will let go for me - as in he will rip things out of my hands when i am holding too tightly to them. that needs to happen sometimes, and then i need to trust him when he tells me that it was for the best. oh, that darn trust thing.
7. "a time to tear, and a time to sew."
see number 4. kind of the same deal. this verse reminds me of in hosea when it says, "God has torn us, but now he will heal us." sounds to me like the old catchphrase "beauty is pain" is true. if tearing my heart apart makes me more like Christ, then i hope he will break my heart every day.
there's a time and purpose for everything - every season - every person - every moment. and even in the messy parts and the bare seasons and the desert places, our faithful Father promises to make everything beautiful in HIS time (ecclesiastes 3:11).
ecclesiastes three:onethrougheight
to everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under heaven.
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to gain, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
more to come on these verses later.
a time for every purpose under heaven.
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to gain, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
more to come on these verses later.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
you were born for leavin
here is the chorus from the new zac brown band song:
you're a ramblin man
and you ain't ever gonna change
you gotta gypsy soul to blame
and you were born for leavin
go listen. now. seriously. do it.
this morning was really great/really tough at newspring. the message centered around this question: why do bad things happen to good people? two stories were shared that made impressions on my heart. the first was about a man who i've blogged about before. zac was in his early thirties. he was an IT guy at newspring, married to his college sweetheart, father to three young, beautiful children. in late 2009 zac was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, and he died in 2010. the next story was about a young firefighter, matthew, and a youth pastor, eric. matthew had worked a twenty-four hour shift on only about thirty minutes of sleep. he was driving home that morning and fell asleep at the wheel, hitting a car carrying eric's wife who was seven months pregnant with their son and their young daughter, faith. eric's wife and unborn son were killed, leaving the widowed father to raise his daughter alone. matthew and eric are now very close friends.
zac's story is a tragedy. it's unfathomable that a man who was serving the lord in the minstry, had a beautiful wife, happy kids, and a great life would develop cancer and only a year later be dead in his early thirties. his wife lost her love and best friend and life partner. his children lost their father. it's unthinkable. to hear zac's wife, mandie, talk about how she had seen the lord's goodness and faithfulness through her tragedy was so moving. she talked about how yes, the pain was very real and very near and very raw, but that jesus has been faithful to open doors and grant opportunities to give him glory through zac's death. she talked about how jesus has given her grace to face each second of her day, each life change, every ounce of grief.
matthew and eric's story was the once that really struck me. (note: i'm not by any means saying that either of these stories is more important than the other, but this second one really hit a sensitive spot in my heart.) matthew, essentially - though accidentally - murdered eric's wife and son. i cannot comprehend the weight of the loss that eric still experiences every day. what is uncanny to me is that eric was able to forgive matthew. and not only did he forgive him, but he is able to walk in that forgiveness and grace daily and call matthew one of his best friends. eric can look at matthew in the face - the man who's one wreckless decision took the life of his precious wife and child - and love him and hold him up and pray for him and count him a brother. that demonstration of forgiveness is simply mind-blowing to me.
i think this second story really struck a chord in me, because i know what it is to forgive. to have to fight everything in yourself, to have to work at it, to have to make the hard choice - to simply let it go and forgive. to decide not to harbor a grudge. one person ripped my life apart when i was in college. it took months of counseling and prayer and work to get to the place where i was even ready to CONSIDER forgiveness. finally, i was at a crossroads: either hold on to the hurt and hate and anger forever, or let it go and show the same grace that was shown to me. i still have to make the choice every day to forgive this person.
i've been so proud of myself for the way i handled the situation. for some reason, i've felt like my victory in showing mercy to this one person has excused me from showing mercy to others who may have only offended me in little ways here or there. it's like i thought, "phew. that's done. i don't have to do it again." wrong. the thing about it is, forgiveness isn't an option for the believer. it's not something we can choose to do only when we're ready or only if we feel like it. we don't get to decide who deserves forgiveness and who doesn't. forgiveness is a command. when i feel like it, and (more often) when i don't - for big hurts and the not so big hurts.
i got to thinking about all the people i was unintentionally denying forgiveness to. then i got to thinking about all the people who i've hurt, both knowingly and unknowingly. i hope that the people i have hurt have been able to forgive me. finally, i got to thinking about how jesus forgives me. it really doesn't make any sense. how then can i, in my own desperate need for second-to-second forgiveness, deny anyone forgiveness? no one hurt inflicted by another person can compare to the wrong of sinning against a holy god.
my pride is so sickening.
here's my last thought on this (for now): is forgiveness really forgiveness until you've extended it? this is what i'm wrestling with right now. i know i need to forgive someone. this person asked me to forgive them. and i'm working at it. i'm choosing to. i'm having to make that choice every day. is it easy for me to say this only because i haven't had to go to the person and say to them, "i forgive you"? would that change things? would it make the reality and the weight of forgiveness more real to me to go to the person and tell them? i don't know. god tell his people they are forgiven, even if they DON'T ask for it. god has forgiven all of my sin: past, present, and future - sins i haven't committed - sins i haven't asked forgiveness for yet. forgiveness is who he is - it's what he does. if i'm called to be like my heavenly father, shouldn't i be about forgiveness in the same way - already willing to forgive before the wrong is done?
so much to think about.
i lied. THIS is my last thought: it's not the why. why things happen is not important. doesn't matter why. a sovereign god allowed it. the important things are the what and the how. what do we do with what has happened to us, and how do we give god glory through it?
ps: please stop me if my blog ever ceases to be my own thoughts and reflections on life, scripture, and god's work in my life. if this blog should become a place where i simply regurgitate information i have been given, please, PLEASE, ask me to stop writing.
you're a ramblin man
and you ain't ever gonna change
you gotta gypsy soul to blame
and you were born for leavin
go listen. now. seriously. do it.
this morning was really great/really tough at newspring. the message centered around this question: why do bad things happen to good people? two stories were shared that made impressions on my heart. the first was about a man who i've blogged about before. zac was in his early thirties. he was an IT guy at newspring, married to his college sweetheart, father to three young, beautiful children. in late 2009 zac was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, and he died in 2010. the next story was about a young firefighter, matthew, and a youth pastor, eric. matthew had worked a twenty-four hour shift on only about thirty minutes of sleep. he was driving home that morning and fell asleep at the wheel, hitting a car carrying eric's wife who was seven months pregnant with their son and their young daughter, faith. eric's wife and unborn son were killed, leaving the widowed father to raise his daughter alone. matthew and eric are now very close friends.
zac's story is a tragedy. it's unfathomable that a man who was serving the lord in the minstry, had a beautiful wife, happy kids, and a great life would develop cancer and only a year later be dead in his early thirties. his wife lost her love and best friend and life partner. his children lost their father. it's unthinkable. to hear zac's wife, mandie, talk about how she had seen the lord's goodness and faithfulness through her tragedy was so moving. she talked about how yes, the pain was very real and very near and very raw, but that jesus has been faithful to open doors and grant opportunities to give him glory through zac's death. she talked about how jesus has given her grace to face each second of her day, each life change, every ounce of grief.
matthew and eric's story was the once that really struck me. (note: i'm not by any means saying that either of these stories is more important than the other, but this second one really hit a sensitive spot in my heart.) matthew, essentially - though accidentally - murdered eric's wife and son. i cannot comprehend the weight of the loss that eric still experiences every day. what is uncanny to me is that eric was able to forgive matthew. and not only did he forgive him, but he is able to walk in that forgiveness and grace daily and call matthew one of his best friends. eric can look at matthew in the face - the man who's one wreckless decision took the life of his precious wife and child - and love him and hold him up and pray for him and count him a brother. that demonstration of forgiveness is simply mind-blowing to me.
i think this second story really struck a chord in me, because i know what it is to forgive. to have to fight everything in yourself, to have to work at it, to have to make the hard choice - to simply let it go and forgive. to decide not to harbor a grudge. one person ripped my life apart when i was in college. it took months of counseling and prayer and work to get to the place where i was even ready to CONSIDER forgiveness. finally, i was at a crossroads: either hold on to the hurt and hate and anger forever, or let it go and show the same grace that was shown to me. i still have to make the choice every day to forgive this person.
i've been so proud of myself for the way i handled the situation. for some reason, i've felt like my victory in showing mercy to this one person has excused me from showing mercy to others who may have only offended me in little ways here or there. it's like i thought, "phew. that's done. i don't have to do it again." wrong. the thing about it is, forgiveness isn't an option for the believer. it's not something we can choose to do only when we're ready or only if we feel like it. we don't get to decide who deserves forgiveness and who doesn't. forgiveness is a command. when i feel like it, and (more often) when i don't - for big hurts and the not so big hurts.
i got to thinking about all the people i was unintentionally denying forgiveness to. then i got to thinking about all the people who i've hurt, both knowingly and unknowingly. i hope that the people i have hurt have been able to forgive me. finally, i got to thinking about how jesus forgives me. it really doesn't make any sense. how then can i, in my own desperate need for second-to-second forgiveness, deny anyone forgiveness? no one hurt inflicted by another person can compare to the wrong of sinning against a holy god.
my pride is so sickening.
here's my last thought on this (for now): is forgiveness really forgiveness until you've extended it? this is what i'm wrestling with right now. i know i need to forgive someone. this person asked me to forgive them. and i'm working at it. i'm choosing to. i'm having to make that choice every day. is it easy for me to say this only because i haven't had to go to the person and say to them, "i forgive you"? would that change things? would it make the reality and the weight of forgiveness more real to me to go to the person and tell them? i don't know. god tell his people they are forgiven, even if they DON'T ask for it. god has forgiven all of my sin: past, present, and future - sins i haven't committed - sins i haven't asked forgiveness for yet. forgiveness is who he is - it's what he does. if i'm called to be like my heavenly father, shouldn't i be about forgiveness in the same way - already willing to forgive before the wrong is done?
so much to think about.
i lied. THIS is my last thought: it's not the why. why things happen is not important. doesn't matter why. a sovereign god allowed it. the important things are the what and the how. what do we do with what has happened to us, and how do we give god glory through it?
ps: please stop me if my blog ever ceases to be my own thoughts and reflections on life, scripture, and god's work in my life. if this blog should become a place where i simply regurgitate information i have been given, please, PLEASE, ask me to stop writing.
Friday, February 4, 2011
just keep swimming
you know that line in "finding nemo" where dory says to nemo, "just keep swimming! just keeping swimming!"?? sometimes i feel like this is what i do to myself. i can't remember a time in the past year and a half where i have just stopped "swimming" to deal with myself. my quick fix for frustration or heartache or restlessness or _________ - the thing that gets me through - is to keep myself busy. that's what i'm doing right now. i am booking myself solid, some days leaving my house at 7 am not to return again until 10 or 11 pm. i go from work to run errands to dinner to small group to watch a movie with friends, or some other varition of that schedule. while it does't leave me a lot of time to think about things i don't want to think about, it also exhausts me. and exhaustion makes me so vulnerable. my emotions run high when i'm tired. i get frustrated easily. my already wavering patience wears extremely thing, and i just can't function. i'm keeping myself so ridiculously busy, because it's easier to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off than it is to take two seconds to focus on dealing.
i'm an avoider. i avoid hurt. i deny that i'm not okay. i rarely let myself breakdown. in fact, this conversation took place between me and liz yesterday:
liz: wow, smash. you've had a really tough week. i'm sorry.
me: yeah. i'm on the verge of a meltdown.
liz: you probably need to just vent and get it all out.
me: nah. i'm good. if i start, i won't be able to stop.
about two hours later i was in my car, and i started sobbing. in the middle of a broken breath i suddenly just clenched my jaw, bit my lip, and cut it off and said to myself out loud, "no. you're okay. get it together." that's what i do. i don't cry at funerals. i don't show my emotions. i don't let on that there's ever anything going on. if i do, then you should know that it's really bad, and i'm really not okay. i don't like to not be okay. i don't like seasons of hurt, heartache, frustration, confusion, disappointment, loss. granted, i don't know anyone who does, but there seem to be some people who have a finesse for handling them. i am not one of those people. my strategy: ignore it, and eventually it'll go away...maybe.
the truth is, they don't go away. they get buried under seasons of joy, moments of contentment, and other hurts. i was talking to a friend yesterday about a recent heartache, and she said, "just keep yourself busy." i agreed with her and explained that i was doing my best to not be at home with nothing to do - ever. then i realized today that i'm completely in the wrong.
nowhere in scripture does it say, "make your life so busy that you never have to face your issues" or "preoccupy yourself so that you don't have to deal with yourself." instead, god tells us in psalm 46:10 to "be still and know that [he] is god." be still. repeatedly he commands us to "rest" and "wait on the lord." none of those three actions encourage me to create a false sense of security or peace or "okay" for myself by staying booked from dawn to dusk.
like i said, i haven't taken time to just deal with me in over a year. i've jumped from relationship to relationship (stupidly), and i move from mindless activity to mindless activity in an attempt to avoid the hard work that comes with facing your life. and not that i have these major issues to deal with. that's not it. but there are some things i need to hash out, get over, and heal from.
so from no on, i'm going to try to let myself do that. i'm going to try to surrender my busyness to god - to submit to him and his command to "be still." i'm going to stop filling my days and nights with a rigorous itenerary just so i don't have to think or be alone. i'm going to use my free time to "rest" and to "wait on the lord." i have to believe that god wants to use that time - that it's valuable - and he wants to teach me in those moments of thinking and being alone.
i'm an avoider. i avoid hurt. i deny that i'm not okay. i rarely let myself breakdown. in fact, this conversation took place between me and liz yesterday:
liz: wow, smash. you've had a really tough week. i'm sorry.
me: yeah. i'm on the verge of a meltdown.
liz: you probably need to just vent and get it all out.
me: nah. i'm good. if i start, i won't be able to stop.
about two hours later i was in my car, and i started sobbing. in the middle of a broken breath i suddenly just clenched my jaw, bit my lip, and cut it off and said to myself out loud, "no. you're okay. get it together." that's what i do. i don't cry at funerals. i don't show my emotions. i don't let on that there's ever anything going on. if i do, then you should know that it's really bad, and i'm really not okay. i don't like to not be okay. i don't like seasons of hurt, heartache, frustration, confusion, disappointment, loss. granted, i don't know anyone who does, but there seem to be some people who have a finesse for handling them. i am not one of those people. my strategy: ignore it, and eventually it'll go away...maybe.
the truth is, they don't go away. they get buried under seasons of joy, moments of contentment, and other hurts. i was talking to a friend yesterday about a recent heartache, and she said, "just keep yourself busy." i agreed with her and explained that i was doing my best to not be at home with nothing to do - ever. then i realized today that i'm completely in the wrong.
nowhere in scripture does it say, "make your life so busy that you never have to face your issues" or "preoccupy yourself so that you don't have to deal with yourself." instead, god tells us in psalm 46:10 to "be still and know that [he] is god." be still. repeatedly he commands us to "rest" and "wait on the lord." none of those three actions encourage me to create a false sense of security or peace or "okay" for myself by staying booked from dawn to dusk.
like i said, i haven't taken time to just deal with me in over a year. i've jumped from relationship to relationship (stupidly), and i move from mindless activity to mindless activity in an attempt to avoid the hard work that comes with facing your life. and not that i have these major issues to deal with. that's not it. but there are some things i need to hash out, get over, and heal from.
so from no on, i'm going to try to let myself do that. i'm going to try to surrender my busyness to god - to submit to him and his command to "be still." i'm going to stop filling my days and nights with a rigorous itenerary just so i don't have to think or be alone. i'm going to use my free time to "rest" and to "wait on the lord." i have to believe that god wants to use that time - that it's valuable - and he wants to teach me in those moments of thinking and being alone.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
pretty, pretty please
here is my official apology and/or explanation for being the way that i am: i'm sorry, and i don't know why. it's just the way i am. the first verse and chorus of this song pretty much sums up my life. i had to edit it (i'm not quite as bad ass - yes, i just said ass - as pink), but the message is the same:
made a wrong turn once or twice
dug my way out, blood and fire
bad decisions, that's alright
welcome to my silly life
mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
miss "no way, it's all good"
it didn't slow me down
mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
look, i'm still around
pretty, pretty please
don't you ever, ever feel
like you're less than perfect
pretty, pretty please
if you ever, ever feel
like you're nothin
you are perfect to me
i have been made to feel less than perfect about seventeen times every day this week. here's what i have to say about that: thank you for making a bad week feel even worse. BUT i refuse to exchange God's truth for lies (romans 1:25), and i believe that i am fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:14) in His image (genesis 1:26).
the end.
made a wrong turn once or twice
dug my way out, blood and fire
bad decisions, that's alright
welcome to my silly life
mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
miss "no way, it's all good"
it didn't slow me down
mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
look, i'm still around
pretty, pretty please
don't you ever, ever feel
like you're less than perfect
pretty, pretty please
if you ever, ever feel
like you're nothin
you are perfect to me
i have been made to feel less than perfect about seventeen times every day this week. here's what i have to say about that: thank you for making a bad week feel even worse. BUT i refuse to exchange God's truth for lies (romans 1:25), and i believe that i am fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:14) in His image (genesis 1:26).
the end.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
dear john
long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
counting my footsteps, praying the floor won't fall through again
and my mother accused me of losing my mind
but i swore i was fine
you'd paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
and i lived in your chess game, and you changed the rules everyday
wondering which version of you i might get on the phone tonight
well, i stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone
don't you think i was too young to be messed with?
the girl in the dress cried the whole way home
well, maybe it's just me and blind optimism that's to blame
or maybe it's your sick need to give love then take it away
and you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
and i'll look back and regret how i ignored when they said run as fast as you can
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone
don't you think i was too young to be messed with?
the girl in the dress cried the whole way home
dear john, i see it all now - it was wrong
don't you think nineteen's too young to be played with?
your dark twisted games when i loved you so
i should've known
you are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry
never impressed me by acing your tests
all the girls you've run dry have tired, lifeless eyes
cause you've burnt them out
but i took your matches before fire could catch me
so don't look now
i'm shining like fireworks
over your sad, empty town
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone
don't you think i was too young to be messed with?
the girl in the dress cried the whole way home
dear john, i see it all now - it was wrong
don't you think nineteen's too young to be played with?
the girl in the dress wrote you a song
counting my footsteps, praying the floor won't fall through again
and my mother accused me of losing my mind
but i swore i was fine
you'd paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
and i lived in your chess game, and you changed the rules everyday
wondering which version of you i might get on the phone tonight
well, i stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone
don't you think i was too young to be messed with?
the girl in the dress cried the whole way home
well, maybe it's just me and blind optimism that's to blame
or maybe it's your sick need to give love then take it away
and you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
and i'll look back and regret how i ignored when they said run as fast as you can
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone
don't you think i was too young to be messed with?
the girl in the dress cried the whole way home
dear john, i see it all now - it was wrong
don't you think nineteen's too young to be played with?
your dark twisted games when i loved you so
i should've known
you are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry
never impressed me by acing your tests
all the girls you've run dry have tired, lifeless eyes
cause you've burnt them out
but i took your matches before fire could catch me
so don't look now
i'm shining like fireworks
over your sad, empty town
dear john, i see it all now that you're gone
don't you think i was too young to be messed with?
the girl in the dress cried the whole way home
dear john, i see it all now - it was wrong
don't you think nineteen's too young to be played with?
the girl in the dress wrote you a song
you are perfect to me
i had a revelation today while i was sitting at work reading some of my old blog posts. i guess i should explain that i am by no means any more a narcissist than the next person. i read my old posts, because they remind me of where i have been, lessons i have learned, truths i have discovered (more like been shown), and ways i have grown. anyway. i was reading my post from just a week or so ago - the one about the "sex and the city" episode. here is the truth jesus revealed to my heart this afternoon while sipping an aquafina, avoiding entering anecdotal notes, and talking to a 6-year-old about justin bieber:
genesis 1 tells me that i am created in God's image. chapter 3 - enter: sin. i don't really have this next part worked out in my head yet. i'm not sure i ever will. because i've never known life apart from sin, i can't imagine what it would have been (or will be) like to experience complete unity with God the Father. i know that Jesus reconciles me to God, but i'm still a sinful, self-seeking, prideful human. adam and eve's sin cost a lot more than a few fig leaves. it totally distorted them - down to their very souls. no longer were their hearts in tune with their heavenly Father's, untainted by evil. they didn't share his desires, and most importantly, they had severed their relationship with a holy God. their image no longer reflected His. while He was holy, righteous and untouched by even the hint of sin, adam and eve had contaminated their hearts and lives with ugly, dirty, condemnable sin. and the thing about sin is that it doesn't leave you as you were. it always transfigures you; it deforms you. there's nothing imperfect about our holy God. everything He does and says is acted in complete sovereignty and justice - above reproach. He is the absolute, true, wise, and pure King whose glory radiates totally unbroken.
what does this mean for me?
it means that when i'm seeking worth and value and affirmation in a man (or any other person, for that matter) who has also been deformed by sin, i will never find it. i already wrote on this briefly, but Jesus has really been breaking this truth down bit by bit and teaching me so much. i'm seeking to find pieces of myself that God fashioned together when He made me in His image, but that were misplaced, strewn about, and some even lost as my sinfulness was exposed. the problem is that i'm seeking these things from men who are also broken, distorted, and empty. i know Jesus. i have surrendered my life to Him, and my deepest desire is to know Him and love Him and serve Him. but that doesn't automatically fix me. i still have the same struggles, the same issues, the same insecurities, the same wretched heart. how can i find completion in another incomplete person? i can't.
i don't think i'm doing a very good job of explaining everything that's in my head. i know this is probably basic information, but for the first time i'm really understanding what it is to be made in God's own image. the ONLY One who can accurately reflect who i really am - who i was created to be - is God my Father. a man will never be able to show me the woman that i was intended to be, because he is not the man he was intended to be. (note: i know that Jesus is the great Restorer of souls, but in my hummanity i will never be the woman He created to be.) my image - formed delicately, sensitively, thoughtfully, after God's own image - was not meant to be discovered in a man, but in my Creator. if you want to know everything there is to know about a watch, would you ask the person wearing the watch or would you ask the man who designed and crafted the watch, knowing every gear and every feature? you'd ask the man who made it. if i want to discover all the beauty and worth and value that God created me to innately possess, shouldn't i seek that in Him and not in any other person?
friends, my mindset has been so altered over the past few hours as i've thought on this. i am made in the very image of the Creator of the universe. the One who formed mountains with His fingertips, made man from dust, hung every star in its place, numbered every hair on my head, and named every grain of sand. the God who is mighty, just, compassionate, beautiful, emotional, thoughtful, merciful, protective, jealous, righteously angry, relational, glorious, and far beyond anything i could ever dream. i am a product of His great love and infinite imagination. He displays His power in His creation - trees, oceans, wheat fields, mountains, and sunrises, but He displays His person, His heart, His spirit in His people.
my prayer is that i would seek to discover myself in Him and in Him alone; that i wouldn't seek affirmation from friends, family, or romantic interests; that i wouldn't crave satisfaction from earthly pleasures; that i wouldn't compare myself to the "images" i see on television, movie screens, or on magazine covers - but that i would simply REST in the truth that i am created in the image of my Creator.
genesis 1 tells me that i am created in God's image. chapter 3 - enter: sin. i don't really have this next part worked out in my head yet. i'm not sure i ever will. because i've never known life apart from sin, i can't imagine what it would have been (or will be) like to experience complete unity with God the Father. i know that Jesus reconciles me to God, but i'm still a sinful, self-seeking, prideful human. adam and eve's sin cost a lot more than a few fig leaves. it totally distorted them - down to their very souls. no longer were their hearts in tune with their heavenly Father's, untainted by evil. they didn't share his desires, and most importantly, they had severed their relationship with a holy God. their image no longer reflected His. while He was holy, righteous and untouched by even the hint of sin, adam and eve had contaminated their hearts and lives with ugly, dirty, condemnable sin. and the thing about sin is that it doesn't leave you as you were. it always transfigures you; it deforms you. there's nothing imperfect about our holy God. everything He does and says is acted in complete sovereignty and justice - above reproach. He is the absolute, true, wise, and pure King whose glory radiates totally unbroken.
what does this mean for me?
it means that when i'm seeking worth and value and affirmation in a man (or any other person, for that matter) who has also been deformed by sin, i will never find it. i already wrote on this briefly, but Jesus has really been breaking this truth down bit by bit and teaching me so much. i'm seeking to find pieces of myself that God fashioned together when He made me in His image, but that were misplaced, strewn about, and some even lost as my sinfulness was exposed. the problem is that i'm seeking these things from men who are also broken, distorted, and empty. i know Jesus. i have surrendered my life to Him, and my deepest desire is to know Him and love Him and serve Him. but that doesn't automatically fix me. i still have the same struggles, the same issues, the same insecurities, the same wretched heart. how can i find completion in another incomplete person? i can't.
i don't think i'm doing a very good job of explaining everything that's in my head. i know this is probably basic information, but for the first time i'm really understanding what it is to be made in God's own image. the ONLY One who can accurately reflect who i really am - who i was created to be - is God my Father. a man will never be able to show me the woman that i was intended to be, because he is not the man he was intended to be. (note: i know that Jesus is the great Restorer of souls, but in my hummanity i will never be the woman He created to be.) my image - formed delicately, sensitively, thoughtfully, after God's own image - was not meant to be discovered in a man, but in my Creator. if you want to know everything there is to know about a watch, would you ask the person wearing the watch or would you ask the man who designed and crafted the watch, knowing every gear and every feature? you'd ask the man who made it. if i want to discover all the beauty and worth and value that God created me to innately possess, shouldn't i seek that in Him and not in any other person?
friends, my mindset has been so altered over the past few hours as i've thought on this. i am made in the very image of the Creator of the universe. the One who formed mountains with His fingertips, made man from dust, hung every star in its place, numbered every hair on my head, and named every grain of sand. the God who is mighty, just, compassionate, beautiful, emotional, thoughtful, merciful, protective, jealous, righteously angry, relational, glorious, and far beyond anything i could ever dream. i am a product of His great love and infinite imagination. He displays His power in His creation - trees, oceans, wheat fields, mountains, and sunrises, but He displays His person, His heart, His spirit in His people.
my prayer is that i would seek to discover myself in Him and in Him alone; that i wouldn't seek affirmation from friends, family, or romantic interests; that i wouldn't crave satisfaction from earthly pleasures; that i wouldn't compare myself to the "images" i see on television, movie screens, or on magazine covers - but that i would simply REST in the truth that i am created in the image of my Creator.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
jar of hearts
favorite line from a song i've heard lately:
i know i can't take one more step toward you
cause all that's waiting is regret
-christina perri
in a rash and terrible decision sunday night, i almost got myself caught up in something completely detrimental. but, praise Jesus, when i was faced with a critical choice - a potentially life-changing choice - my desire for holiness finally, FINALLY outweighed my desire for any fleeting, earthly pleasure. granted, there are repercussions for the steps i did take in sin sunday night, but there is so much joy in my heart that i was able to put an end to something that 1. shouldn't have started and 2. would have eventually sucked the life out of my soul.
here are some things weighing on my heart right now:
1. please, PLEASE do not quote scripture to me and preface it with, "the pastor always says..." newsflash - the pastor didn't write it. it's God's word. it's sickening to me to think that believers don't know the word when they hear it - and when they do hear it, they can use it as flippantly as that.
2. if holiness is not the desire of your heart (i don't mean if you aren't holy; none of us is holy, and i'll be the first to tell you that i mess up a lot.), then you have a serious heart issue. i make huge mistakes. a lot. but i am so genuinely convicted and hurt and saddened when i do, because Jesus is the cry of my very soul. He is the only thing worth having. He is the only One worth giving myself to.
3. having a roommate who makes you get up early, asks you if you've read your bible, and talks to you about hard stuff is a blessing. shelby salley: thank you for the past month.
it can be hard to be the, how do i put this, blacksheep of your family or group of friends. i don't guess i'm really the "blacksheep," but i am the one whose mother calls "mayhem." i have a reputation for being somewhat of a mess. unorganized, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, accident-prone, worst luck, says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, can't censor, free-spirited, never has a plan. that's me. i don't usually get things right. i make messes all over the place - from my bedroom to my heart. i am uber-sensitive and this frequently gets me in trouble. i collect stray dogs. i cry when i see chicken trucks on the way to the slaughter house. i don't enjoy wearing shoes. i'm late a lot. i never make my bed. i spill things. i trip almost every day. i am so passionate about everything and everyone that there is no way for me to bridle that passion into something constructive. i have a tendancy to be wreckless with my emotions and my heart. i drive way too fast. if it hits 60 degrees outside my windows are down and my sunroof open. my ipod ranges from hard, gangsta rap to bluegrass to hymns. i'm not really person you can fit into a box. i'm backwards and unpredictable and confusing and ridiculous. i say things i don't mean, and mean things i'll never say. i would give anything - anything at all - to the people i love. i love til it hurts. i lose shoes, cell phone chargers, and debit cards regularly. i forget things a lot. my purse is a bag of oblivion. i love to stay up late, and i hate getting up early. i oversleep almost every day. i'm not big on authority. i make hastey decisions.
i get it. i really do. i know all of these things about myself. do these things make me proud? not usually. i don't have my life together. not even close. but after my mom told me repeatedly over the weekend (with the buy-ins of my father and brother) that i really need to "get my life organized" and "learn to censor," i'm trying. so far this week i've woken up at 5:45 both days, had a quiet time, made my bed, kept my kitchen clean, gone to bed before midnight, and been early for work. trust me. i know these things are run of the mill to normal people, but to me, it's a pretty big deal. so, dear mom, dad and gray: be excited; i'm getting my life together.
i know i can't take one more step toward you
cause all that's waiting is regret
-christina perri
in a rash and terrible decision sunday night, i almost got myself caught up in something completely detrimental. but, praise Jesus, when i was faced with a critical choice - a potentially life-changing choice - my desire for holiness finally, FINALLY outweighed my desire for any fleeting, earthly pleasure. granted, there are repercussions for the steps i did take in sin sunday night, but there is so much joy in my heart that i was able to put an end to something that 1. shouldn't have started and 2. would have eventually sucked the life out of my soul.
here are some things weighing on my heart right now:
1. please, PLEASE do not quote scripture to me and preface it with, "the pastor always says..." newsflash - the pastor didn't write it. it's God's word. it's sickening to me to think that believers don't know the word when they hear it - and when they do hear it, they can use it as flippantly as that.
2. if holiness is not the desire of your heart (i don't mean if you aren't holy; none of us is holy, and i'll be the first to tell you that i mess up a lot.), then you have a serious heart issue. i make huge mistakes. a lot. but i am so genuinely convicted and hurt and saddened when i do, because Jesus is the cry of my very soul. He is the only thing worth having. He is the only One worth giving myself to.
3. having a roommate who makes you get up early, asks you if you've read your bible, and talks to you about hard stuff is a blessing. shelby salley: thank you for the past month.
it can be hard to be the, how do i put this, blacksheep of your family or group of friends. i don't guess i'm really the "blacksheep," but i am the one whose mother calls "mayhem." i have a reputation for being somewhat of a mess. unorganized, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, accident-prone, worst luck, says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, can't censor, free-spirited, never has a plan. that's me. i don't usually get things right. i make messes all over the place - from my bedroom to my heart. i am uber-sensitive and this frequently gets me in trouble. i collect stray dogs. i cry when i see chicken trucks on the way to the slaughter house. i don't enjoy wearing shoes. i'm late a lot. i never make my bed. i spill things. i trip almost every day. i am so passionate about everything and everyone that there is no way for me to bridle that passion into something constructive. i have a tendancy to be wreckless with my emotions and my heart. i drive way too fast. if it hits 60 degrees outside my windows are down and my sunroof open. my ipod ranges from hard, gangsta rap to bluegrass to hymns. i'm not really person you can fit into a box. i'm backwards and unpredictable and confusing and ridiculous. i say things i don't mean, and mean things i'll never say. i would give anything - anything at all - to the people i love. i love til it hurts. i lose shoes, cell phone chargers, and debit cards regularly. i forget things a lot. my purse is a bag of oblivion. i love to stay up late, and i hate getting up early. i oversleep almost every day. i'm not big on authority. i make hastey decisions.
i get it. i really do. i know all of these things about myself. do these things make me proud? not usually. i don't have my life together. not even close. but after my mom told me repeatedly over the weekend (with the buy-ins of my father and brother) that i really need to "get my life organized" and "learn to censor," i'm trying. so far this week i've woken up at 5:45 both days, had a quiet time, made my bed, kept my kitchen clean, gone to bed before midnight, and been early for work. trust me. i know these things are run of the mill to normal people, but to me, it's a pretty big deal. so, dear mom, dad and gray: be excited; i'm getting my life together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)