dove dark chocolates...

are so delicious. and inspiring. as if the chocolates were not reason enough to throw the lovely, red bag into my shopping cart at publix, the messages printed on the inside of the candy wrappers are well-worth the four bucks they cost. more on this subject to come.

here's something i learned about myself today: i like easy street.

there are so many things i want to share, but i feel like i need to protect the situation - so i'm gonna have to spare you for once. what i can tell you is that today the Lord totally flipped a switch in my heart. it was like all of a sudden i saw exactly why i was feeling so dissatisfied and restless: things haven't been coming easily. i've faced a lot of opposition - a lot of criticism - a lot of lonely stands recently. i've looked for an escape in every possible direction, and God will not open a door; in fact, he keeps slamming them in my face. i've been so frustrated with Him - screaming out to him, demanding to know why he's telling me no and to stay put. why is he doing this? because i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

tie in dove chocolates: for the past two weeks every time i eat a chocolate (which i'll go on and confess has been frequently) i've gotten the same wrapper: "you are exactly where you're supposed to be." i don't believe in signs, but i also don't believe in coincidences. i think God often works in the little, seemingly insignificant ways to reveal himself to us. i didn't get the message until today.

i used to think that if i was in God's will - that if i was doing what i was supposed to be doing - that if i was walking closely with him - things would just be easy. this is just one of the many contorted theologies i've adopted over the years. what's most shocking is that i could look at Christ's life - the actual Son of God - God himself - and see that he was obedient to the point of death, and that the road was anything but easy - and then think that my life should somehow be different. Jesus was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing; yet his own brothers and sisters thought he was crazy. his hometown shunned him. he faced constant opposition from the pharisees. his life was regularly in jeopardy, until eventually it was ended.

here's something else that's true about me: i have been wanting adventure. i've been craving it, because i long for challenge and struggle and hard work. what i didn't realize is that i've got it. the place i'm in right now is a challenge - it's a struggle - and it's definitely hard work. i'm out of my comfort zone. i'm exhausted. i'm being used up. i'm learning lessons in love and patience and selflessness. i'm being stretched beyond what i think i'm capable of. and yet i still want to think i'm in the wrong place.

in acts 5, the apostles rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ. that's like a stab in the heart. instead of rejoicing that my God is risen and alive, is working in my life for my sanctification, and using me for his glory, i choose to seek an alternative route, because this one is too hard. i'd like to thank america for teaching me that instant gratifiction through cheating, lying, stealing, and handouts is the goal.

i don't get many things right, and i don't understand even more. but today i know that God revealed his heart to me - he wants me right where i am. he wants to teach me and stretch me and grow me in ways that would not be possible if i were anywhere but here. and he wants to love through me - pursue his children through me - work through me. that is an honor and unbelievable responsibility. instead of whining about how hard things are, i oughta be thanking God for his amazing saving grace, his finished work on the cross, and his desire to change me and use me.

i don't know what the end result of this current season is supposed to be. i don't know that i'll ever know or see it. but i was reminded of this verse today:

"for still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. if it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come. it will not delay." (habukkuk 2:3)

there is a vision for my life. my prayer is that everyday i'll surrender my own to God's - that i would seek his with everything in me - and that i would persevere and press on to follow it and live it and rejoice in it. the promise of Christ himself is enough to keep me moving even when i don't feel like it.

i'm ending today on a great note: excited and full of joy and peace, trusting that God knows better than i, and that my sanctification and his glory are far more important than my momentary comfort in this life - feeling refreshed my his pressence and his word and his promises!