live the life you love - love the life you live

i'm listening to john mayer on pandora right now. "slow dancing" just came on. you know what this does to me.

anyway.

i'm still working on this "loving well" thing. i know i'll be working on it everyday for the rest of my life, but let me tell you: i'm not lying when i call it "work." it's tough. and i really feel like over the past several weeks i've had the limit of my ability to love tested. already this shows me how un-Christlike i am. "the limit of my ability to love." the fact that such a limit exists saddens me, but leads to pray more earnestly for Jesus to fill my heart with his eternal and unconditional love.

i've settled in on philippians 2:2-4 for this evening:

"fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, and of one mind. let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowlinesss of mind let each of you esteem others better than yourself. let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."

ugh. no thanks. here are my problems with the instructions above:

1. there's a whole lot of people who i don't really like, much less love.
2. most of the time i am totally resemblant of my preschoolers - egocentric and only able to think of me.

then i jump over and read philippians 2:8:

"...he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death..."

and then i really feel crappy.

when will i ever fully grasp that this life isn't about me? when will i totally embrace God-centered theology, and leave my ashley-centered theology behind? who the heck cares what i want? um, oh yeah, nobody. God loves me, so obviously he cares about things i care about, but let's be real: he's GOD. my petty hang-ups with people, circumstances, uncomfortable situations, personal agendas, and life plans are really no match for his desire to make himself famous. and i should go ahead and also get a handle on the fact that he does not need me. apart from him i'm nothing but dust anyway. what use am i to the Holy of Holies, the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe? and what business do i have telling that same great and infinite God what i will and will not do, who i am and am not okay with loving, and what i am and am not comfortable with accepting as my life situation? riiight. good one, smash.

a command ellicits obedience. i'm commanded to love (over and over and over). obedience ellicits humility. humility ellicits death to self. why can't i love others? it's simple: my pride.

here's the thing about death: you can't halfway die. it's not possible. you're either dead, or you're alive. so much about our american culture teaches us to do just enough - just get by - just make people think you're doing a good job. i don't like that mentality. in fact, it makes me sick. it makes me sick, because sometimes i find myself living that way. sometimes i want to live halfway for Jesus and halfway for me. truthfully, it's probably more like 70-30. please don't misunderstand me: i love Jesus. he is the absolute one, true cry of my heart and soul. i want to know him and make him known and pursue him and experience his pursuit of me. however, i try to be 100% transparent here, so in case you didn't know: i'm still human. moving on.

i want to die to myself. i want to die to myself over and over and over again. i want to keep laying my life down at the cross so that it's Jesus who lives through me. if i'm alive, i want to be alive in Christ and by Christ and through Christ. i want to die to myself so that i can show humility so that i can be obedient so that i can love others well.

step one: die to self every moment of every day.

i think what i've learned over the past year especially is that being a christian is about making the decision to submit every other decision you will ever make to Jesus. the truth is, i DO get it. i do understand that my life is not my own - i was purchased at a price and therefore belong to the One who paid my ransom. i am thankful beyond words for this display of grace at work in my life. i'm praying that the same God who covers me in his grace will give me faith to surrender my life at the cross every moment of every day - to embrace humility - to be led to obedience - and to then be able to love others well.