loving well: day one

the most important goal for my life is to know Christ and to make him known. there's not really a secondary goal to that, but i guess more of the action that i have to take to accomplish that goal: to love others well.

here's what the bible says about love: it's patient and kind; it's not jealous or prideful; it's not rude or self-seeking; it's not easily provoked; love thinks no evil; love keeps no record of wrongs; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. love never fails.

that's what i'm called to. interesting.

here's what i know about myself:

i'm impatient. i start screaming if i'm having to travel at the speed limit. i'm often not kind and find myself doing and saying things that shock even myself. i can be envious, particularly when i compare myself to other women. but i can also be envious of spiritual things: girls who are more faithful, more gentle, more reserved. i am entirely prideful all the time and most of the time i disgust even myself. i like to see the faults in others, and think that i've got everything together. i am rude when i don't feel like being kind. i am sarcastic and can be flippant and arrogant. i am self-seeking, even when i'm most selfless. i'm easily annoyed when things do not go my way or people interrupt my plan. i think things i shouldn't. i keep score of offenses made against me, even when i don't mean to. sometimes i want to give up on people and dreams and promises that God has made to me when i don't see immediate results.

it's not in me to love well. it's not in my make-up. it's a fight everyday to love - even the people i love the most. maybe especially the people i love the most.

today on the way to school, on a monday morning, after very little sleep, at 7 am, when i am usually sipping on my orange juice and rocking out to something happy and upbeat, i turned off my radio. i took the 15 minute trip to school to get quiet and let my heart intersect with God's heart. i wanted him to supernaturally open up my weak, human heart and pour out his unbelievable and unconditional love into it. i wanted to walk into school and leave whatever thoughts of things going on in my own life to give 100% of myself to my kids for 8 hours of my day. i wanted to engage passionately in the day, interact with my kids, love on them, hold them, wipe their tears, giggle with them, listen to them patiently, and just be used up for them. and i did. i gave up myself to serve - to be selfless - to love well - and Jesus was faithful to love through me. it was an awesome day.

i can't love well on my own. there's no point for me to try. but when i surrender a willing and passionate heart to a loving God, his love can move freely through me.

i'm praying that i will surrender my heart to him every moment of everyday - that he will give me power to and faithfulness to surrender my heart everyday.