i got you

hey, did you hear about the one that got away?
they say he looked left, she turned right
meant to be together, but not that night
it's when fate's running late that we tend to make mistakes
-train

it's friday afternoon, and i am so totally not focused on my work. most people love friday afternoons. i, however, hate - loathe - detest - abhor, them. such a tease. it's like you've made it to the weekend, but you really haven't, because you're still at work. so, to help the afternoon move along, i'm planning my house-warming/birthday bash, blogging, and listening to a sweet mix of tunes on grooveshark.

i really don't have anything super important to blog about today. here are some random thoughts for you:

1. the new train album will change your life. it is that incredible. it's called "save me, san fransisco." perfect windows down-sunroof open-singing at the top of your lungs-dancing like a maniac in your car all by yourself music.

2. how do you know when it's too late? is there a point when you should just give it up and let it go? or is it never really too late to fix something? hm. decisions.

3. the veggie quesadillas from wild wings are the bomb. love them.

4. having lunch with a dear friend you haven't seen in a long time is a tremendous blessing and well worth the wait.

5. "you have to learn to entertain yourself" (thanks, mom). ugh. this has not been a fun process to go through. as a person who is 100% social 100% of the time, living alone and being just about the only one of my group of friends who is totally on their own, i've found myself lonely and bored more often than i'd like to admit. however, i'm learning to enjoy "grown up" things more than i thought i would. i like working around my house - painting, planting flowers, organizing, cleaning. i like to cook, and i like to read, and redbox makes for pretty cheap entertainment. it's tough to sometimes sit at home alone on the weekends, but i'm working on enjoying it. if you pray for me, this would be something to remember.

6. people come and go in life. that's another hard lesson to learn.

7. i'm getting my nails done sunday. glory hallelujah! i'm very excited. i love indulging my femininity.

8. one week from today i will be lounging on the beach in edisto. thank you, jesus. THANK YOU.

9. i'm puppy-sitting john's puppy, abbey, this weekend. she's a fluffy little chow/golden retreiver mix. i actually prefer to call her tinkerbell, because when i see her i picture her with a pink tutu on. she just looks like a dog that would be named tinkerbell and wear a pink tutu. john doesn't appreciate it. i don't care. anyway. abbey isn't as sweet as she sounds. she's fiesty and kind of bad and pretty manipulative. huck and abbey play non-stop and very rough. i'm thinking i'll put them in the backyard for most of the weekend. peace and quiet? yes, please.

10. living alone and having nothing to do has lent itself to me getting a LOT of sleep this week. i don't actually like it. i sleep because i have nothing else to do. lame-o.

breakeven by the script

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don’t believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Oh, when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man who’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide she has no trouble sleeping
Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
Oh, when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
No, when a heart breaks it don’t break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I’m trying to make sense of what still remains
Cause you left me with no love – no love to my name

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don’t believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Oh, when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

i am obsessed with this song. it's funny, because in my life this is exactly what happened. i left. only i'm the one who got a broken heart. weird.

here are some important dates:
1 week until edisto
2 weeks and 2 days until THE WEDDING!!!!! (freaking out has ensued)
6 weeks til beach trip with mom
7 weeks til charleston trip with liz, valerie, kat and mack for my birthday
11 weeks til edisto with the whole group

last night in my quiet time i was writing some of my favorite verses on notecards to tape up a round mirrors and on my fridge and various other places that i see often. i came across philippians 4:8.

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things."

amanda kendall made me memorize this verse years ago, and i can honestly say that i come back to it over and over (thanks, ak). this particular night, though, jesus really drew my attention to "whatever is true." so much of the time i find myself meditating - wasting countless moments thinking, fretting, worrying - over things that are not true. there is one truth: jesus. i know jesus because of what's in his word. that's it. whatever else i'm wasting thoughts and energy and emotions on is having the opposite effect of what jesus intends for me. things that are true preserve - they build up - they encourage - they convict - they forgive - they wipe away - they set free. fears and doubts and regrets and hurts and "what ifs?" and reasons why i don't measure up and asking "why?" and justifications and desires - these things tear me apart and keep me a slave to myself and my sin.

jesus, help me to meditate on truth. plant your truth in my head and my heart. help me to filter every thought, feeling, action, desire, victory, sorrow through the truth of your love and your cross and your holiness. help me desire truth above anything else.

from my dear friend, margaret

I made her. She is different. She is unique. With love I formed her in her mother’s womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with pleasure the days I created her (Psalm 139:13-16; Jeremiah 1:5) to me she is beautiful. I love her. I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh and the silly things she says and does (Psalm 139:17). She is herself and no one else…this is how I made her. I made her pretty, but not beautiful, because I know her heart, and she would be vain. I want her to search out her heart and learn that it would be me in her that would make her beautiful, and it would be me in her that would draw friends to her (1 Peter 3:3-5). I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be, only because I would like her to lean and depend on me. I know her heart. I know that if I had not made her like this, she would go on her own chosen way, and forget me, her Creator (Psalm 62:5-8). I have given her many good and happy things, because I love her (Psalm 4:11; Romans 8:32). I have seen her broken heart and the tears she has cried all alone. I have been with her and have had a broken heart too (Psalms 56:8). Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not take my hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way, because she would not listen to my voice (Isaiah 53:6). So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go on her merry way alone, only to watch her return again. And now she is mine again. I made her and then bought her. I paid a high price for her, because I love her (Romans 5:8). I have had to reshape and remold her, to renew her to what I have planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her, or for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I want her to be comforted by my image. This high goal I have set for her because I LOVE HER!!!

aren't those beautiful and precious words that each of us can tuck away in our hearts?? everytime i read this i'm moved to tears. the lord has been pressing two thoughts into my heart this week:

1. i bought a study on the names of god years ago, and only pull it out every so often. i got it out this week, and the name i chose to study is "ish" (pronounced "eesh") which means "husband." i love the idea of jesus being my husband, especially considering the . this name "ish" is found in hosea. if you know me, you know that i am completely obsessed with the story of hosea and his adulterous wife, gomer. i think the story appeals to me so because i see so much of myself in gomer. in hosea the lord says that we chase lovers that won't satisfy. we chase them. i don't know about you, but when i think of a girl chasing a lover, i think of a woman who throws herself unashamedly at a man - who will do whatever it takes to get his attention. that's what we do. and the thing is, i know at the onset of one of my great chases (be it after a man/relationship or an object or an idea) that no matter who or what it is, if it's not jesus, it's not going to satisfy. yet i still choose to turn my back to jesus to pursue someone/something else. the lord goes on to say that he will hedge us in - trap us - so that we realize that we have nowhere to go, and we'll return to him. only by his goodness, his love, his mercy, his faithfulness does he reveal our own unfaithfulness. how beautiful a thought to know that jesus is the ideal husband: he provides, protects, encourages, loves unconditionally, and refuses to divorce us. in fact, knowing that we would be unfaithful, he chooses to pursue us, to establish a relationship with us, to take us back day after day after day, and to betroth us to himself in righteousness forever.

2. god's love is big. i know we hear this all the time, but it's really big. and it's really relentless. and really has no regard for who i am, what i've done, or what i will do. he loves me loves me. in a way that i don't understand and that i can't imagine. he enjoys me. he laughs at me. he delights in me. i make him smile. i give him butterflies. i make him proud. his affections are completely and totally for me. all the time. i never have to question his love or commitment or motives. he's not going anywhere. he's not going to fall out of love with me. his favor is for life. his forgiveness is sufficient. his love is everlasting. his mercy is new every morning. HALLELUJAH! so often i find myself trying to talk myself out of jesus' love. i'll get really excited and just relish in it, and then my guilt and human heart are like "snap out of it ashley. he doesn't love you - or even like you - that much." oh, but he does! what would life be like if we really believed that jesus loves us like he says he does??

words i needed to hear

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects his heart and his lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart.

Support the man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.

You are My perfect angel. You are My beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and My eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes – don’t change them. Your lips – how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form, your hands so gentle in touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I’ve held your heart close to mine.

Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like Me. Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely. He could not see Me or touch Me. He could only feel Me.
So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me,I fashioned in you: My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love, My protection and support. You are special because you are the extension of Me.

Man represents My image, woman My emotions. Together you represent the totality of God. So man – treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt Me. What you do to her, you do to Me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father.

Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.

whoaaa, for the longest time

credit billy joel for the title of this blog. if you don't know that song, you should go listen. it's called "for the longest time," and it's my parents' song, and i love it.

where shall i begin? i think the most effective thing i can say is that i sure do know how to make a good mess. as my mother will tell you, i make messes wherever i go - with clothes, items on the bathroom counter, spills, and other disasters, but this time i mean emotional messes - life messes. i don't just make a little mess, easily cleaned up and confined to a small space. nope. i make a gigantic mess. one that splatters onto clothes and curtains and walls, drips on to the floor, seeps through the carpet, and stains. i make messes that hurt - myself and others.

i think it's a testimony to god's great grace that i'm a girl who rarely finds myself regretting things. and trust me, i've got plenty of things that i could regret. it's not that i don't mourn my sin, it's just that after a few days or weeks, i don't dwell on it. i think that's a blessing, because the lord knows how much i want to regret things i've done over the past few months. sparing you details, just know that when your heart is distracted and is not pursuing christ with wreckless abandon, you will find yourself saying and doing things you never thought you would. i know we all have these moments in life, when we're me-focused and not christ-focused, but the consequences of that mindset can be painful.

while sitting outside on my patio tuesday night, i found myself reading from 1 john chapter 2. what encouragement my weary heart found there:

"my dear children, i write this to you so that you will not sin. but if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the father in our defense - jesus christ, the righteous one. he is the atoning sacrifice for our sins." (verses 1 and 2a)

hallelujah! while obviously the goal is to not sin, there is hope for my helpless hummanity that wars against even my greatest desire and attempt to be sinless: jesus christ! how my heart rejoices in that truth. even as i find myself disgusted with some of my recent actions, i know that i have earnestly cried out for forgiveness and my sins have been washed away, because jesus went to the father on my behalf and said, "i know she messed up. again. but can you take it away? remember my blood and my sacrifice? she's covered by that. give her another chance." and he did. oh, my sweet, sweet savior, and my faithful, faithful god.

while my mistakes are nothing to brag about, i found this quote today and really liked it:

"maybe mistakes are what make our fate. without them what would shape our lives? maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. after all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. but it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart, and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." (sex and the city)

i like that, because it holds truth for the believer. despite my worst mess-ups, i know that my heavenly father works all things for my good. all things. so i'll rest in that and trust that his grace is enough.