whoaaa, for the longest time

credit billy joel for the title of this blog. if you don't know that song, you should go listen. it's called "for the longest time," and it's my parents' song, and i love it.

where shall i begin? i think the most effective thing i can say is that i sure do know how to make a good mess. as my mother will tell you, i make messes wherever i go - with clothes, items on the bathroom counter, spills, and other disasters, but this time i mean emotional messes - life messes. i don't just make a little mess, easily cleaned up and confined to a small space. nope. i make a gigantic mess. one that splatters onto clothes and curtains and walls, drips on to the floor, seeps through the carpet, and stains. i make messes that hurt - myself and others.

i think it's a testimony to god's great grace that i'm a girl who rarely finds myself regretting things. and trust me, i've got plenty of things that i could regret. it's not that i don't mourn my sin, it's just that after a few days or weeks, i don't dwell on it. i think that's a blessing, because the lord knows how much i want to regret things i've done over the past few months. sparing you details, just know that when your heart is distracted and is not pursuing christ with wreckless abandon, you will find yourself saying and doing things you never thought you would. i know we all have these moments in life, when we're me-focused and not christ-focused, but the consequences of that mindset can be painful.

while sitting outside on my patio tuesday night, i found myself reading from 1 john chapter 2. what encouragement my weary heart found there:

"my dear children, i write this to you so that you will not sin. but if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the father in our defense - jesus christ, the righteous one. he is the atoning sacrifice for our sins." (verses 1 and 2a)

hallelujah! while obviously the goal is to not sin, there is hope for my helpless hummanity that wars against even my greatest desire and attempt to be sinless: jesus christ! how my heart rejoices in that truth. even as i find myself disgusted with some of my recent actions, i know that i have earnestly cried out for forgiveness and my sins have been washed away, because jesus went to the father on my behalf and said, "i know she messed up. again. but can you take it away? remember my blood and my sacrifice? she's covered by that. give her another chance." and he did. oh, my sweet, sweet savior, and my faithful, faithful god.

while my mistakes are nothing to brag about, i found this quote today and really liked it:

"maybe mistakes are what make our fate. without them what would shape our lives? maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. after all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. but it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart, and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." (sex and the city)

i like that, because it holds truth for the believer. despite my worst mess-ups, i know that my heavenly father works all things for my good. all things. so i'll rest in that and trust that his grace is enough.