we've got our hearts on safe

as someone who is infinitely scared of love, relationships, broken hearts, and all things related, let me tell you what i have learned:

if you're not scared, something's not right.

courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.

-john wayne

after about three years of keeping my heart on lockdown, being afraid to let anyone in, scared to feel, and unwilling to get involved, i've finally figured out that fear is part of what makes relationships - and love - worth it. if there isn't anything to risk, then what are you really gaining? what are you really giving? if there's nothing to lose - if there's nothing at stake, then what makes it so great?

another thing i've learned is that we (especially christians) put way too much pressure on ourselves when it comes to dating. we're told all the time: don't date someone unless you're going to marry them. bologna. how in the world are you supposed to know if you want to marry someone unless you date them? granted, i don't think we should date people that we absolutely cannot see a future with, but i think the idea of only dating the person you're going to marry is a little absurd. if it works out that way for you, then great! that's wonderful. however, i maintain that the majority of the world's population does not fall into that category.

going into a relationship, i think you have to have doubts; you have to be a little scared; you have to have questions. but i think that if you're in a good relationship, the person you're with is worth taking those risks for. there are one of two options: you will either end up together, or you won't. of course there's potential for hearts to be broken, but if you don't take that risk, then you absolutely will never experience love the way jesus intended it. i don't want to go into a relationship anticipating forever, and i don't want to go into a relationship anticipating a break up. i want to go into it feeling excited, feeling scared, feeling like the possibility of a broken heart (or breaking a heart) is worth it to me to see if this thing could work. i want to enjoy every second of the person and of the relationship - whether that's 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years or 60 years. i want to give it 110% every day and show the person i'm with how much he means to me, how important he is, how proud i am of him, and how happy i am to be with him. i want to be mindful of what's good for me in the long-run without putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship. i don't want to jump ahead to the future and try to figure things out. i don't want to be so scared that i can't move forward. i don't want to pull back, because i'm afraid. when i'm afraid, that's when i want to push ahead and give more.

this quote from cs lewis makes me cry every time i read it. it's one that's close to my heart, and one that i have to read over and over again. like i said, i tend to go out of my way to protect my heart and to stay guarded, so this is something that really resonates with me. i'm pretty sure i've posted it on my blog before, but there's such truth in it (truth that i needed to be reminded of today) that i am reposting:

there is no safe investment. to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, inpenetrable, irredeemable. the only alternative to tragedy, or even the risk of tragedy, is damnation. the only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all of the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.

-cs lewis

i might be scarred up. i might have gotten hurt a lot. i might have some battle wounds. but at least i feel. at least i don't hold back. i love hard. i give it all i can. the possibility of love is always worth the effort and worth the risk.

the flip side to that is that while i might love hard, sometimes it's hard for me to allow myself to be loved. i had never thought about that until i read "redeeming love" along with the book of hosea (from the bible). i resist love - from jesus, from family, from friends, from relationships. i haven't figured all of that out yet, but i think that's because i'm scared, too. to let someone love you, you have to really trust them. like i said, i'm not so good at that. but i want to be a person who can give and receive love, and i want to be a person who makes the person i love feel safe enough to allow me to love them.

the hardest thing is loving someone and having the courage to let them love you back.

-the wedding date