people say a lot, but a lot of the time, they're not really saying anything at all. words are empty without meaning or feelings or truth or promise. this has really been bothering me lately. if you're gonna say something, then mean it. if you don't mean it, don't say it. don't say things just to say them or because you're homesick or because you need some attention or whatever. because the person you're saying the words to might just believe them.
also, infidelity and divorce scare me. i mean, even believers have affairs. even christian marriages end in divorce. nobody goes into it thinking it's gonna happen to them.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
fearless
i appreciate honesty. not false honesty, but real, honest-to-God, uncomfortable, not the thing you want to hear honesty. lying is so disgusting to me. and we've all done our share of lying, from big lies (when i told my parents a boat had rolled back onto my little red saturn, for example) to "white lies" (when we exaggerate or embelish). when you think about honesty, the truth is, it's almost always uncomfortable. when you have to tell your parents you made a bad grade because you didn't study. when you have to tell your boss that you messed up instead of blaming a co-worker. when you have to confess your sin to your accountability partner. when you have to tell someone that you're in love with them, and you're not sure how they feel. when you have to say something that you know will hurt the person you're saying it to. the truth can make us feel good or it can make us feel awful, but it always feels better to say it.
honest relationships are important to me. i don't like feeling like i can't say something to a good friend or family member. i like to be upfront about everything. that's one thing that i really value about my relationship with lindsey: she always tells me the truth. when i need to hear something (even if it's not what i want to hear), i go to her. i know i'm not going to get a sugar-coated, make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, bull crap answer. i'm going to get an honest, well contemplated, sincere slap in the face - i mean answer. i need more of that in my life. i don't want to beat around the bush with my closest friends. we get so caught up in saying the right things at the right time that we completely forget to just be honest and genuine. sincerity is so lacking in our society today, that i think most of the time we can't decipher it from insincerity. who really knows anymore?
this one topic kind of leads me to my next thought. my friend margaret and i were having a real honest, heart-to-heart conversation late friday night on my front porch. we were talking about loving and losing and heartbreak and heartache and all the inbetween of relationships. she and i both have had many heartbreaks, and we were talking about how we find ourselves so closed off to the possibility of a relationship. i've talked about this before. we talked about how we completely shut down and say we don't want to bother with it, but is that truth? no! of course i still want to fall in love and get married. so the truth is, i absolutely want to bother with it! margaret made a great point: guarding your heart is not the same thing as shutting yourself off from possibilities. we can't shut down and say we're not interested, because the underlying truth in that statement is this: i'm saying that i'm not interested and that i don't want to mess with relationships and love, because i don't want to get hurt or be rejected or be vulnerable. that's the real honest-to-God answer. i say i don't want to date, because i'm sick of first dates never leading to anything but a "nice to meet you, thanks for dinner, good night." i'm sick of the disappointment, the let down, the frustration, the analyzing every word and action. i told angela about this today, and i said, "i don't want to do this anymore, because i don't want it to keep ending like this." and she said, "it won't always end like this." the honest truth: i'm struggling with being single. i'm not desperate. i'm not unhappy. but i'm tired of every date and every possibility and every relationship ending the same way. that's the truth. but on the flip side, the truth is that every frog gets me that much closer to the prince. every day without him makes me another day closer to him. and so even when i say (or scream) that i give up, the truth is, i can't give up. i'm still holding on. i've still got faith, because every day - any day - could be the day.
honest relationships are important to me. i don't like feeling like i can't say something to a good friend or family member. i like to be upfront about everything. that's one thing that i really value about my relationship with lindsey: she always tells me the truth. when i need to hear something (even if it's not what i want to hear), i go to her. i know i'm not going to get a sugar-coated, make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, bull crap answer. i'm going to get an honest, well contemplated, sincere slap in the face - i mean answer. i need more of that in my life. i don't want to beat around the bush with my closest friends. we get so caught up in saying the right things at the right time that we completely forget to just be honest and genuine. sincerity is so lacking in our society today, that i think most of the time we can't decipher it from insincerity. who really knows anymore?
this one topic kind of leads me to my next thought. my friend margaret and i were having a real honest, heart-to-heart conversation late friday night on my front porch. we were talking about loving and losing and heartbreak and heartache and all the inbetween of relationships. she and i both have had many heartbreaks, and we were talking about how we find ourselves so closed off to the possibility of a relationship. i've talked about this before. we talked about how we completely shut down and say we don't want to bother with it, but is that truth? no! of course i still want to fall in love and get married. so the truth is, i absolutely want to bother with it! margaret made a great point: guarding your heart is not the same thing as shutting yourself off from possibilities. we can't shut down and say we're not interested, because the underlying truth in that statement is this: i'm saying that i'm not interested and that i don't want to mess with relationships and love, because i don't want to get hurt or be rejected or be vulnerable. that's the real honest-to-God answer. i say i don't want to date, because i'm sick of first dates never leading to anything but a "nice to meet you, thanks for dinner, good night." i'm sick of the disappointment, the let down, the frustration, the analyzing every word and action. i told angela about this today, and i said, "i don't want to do this anymore, because i don't want it to keep ending like this." and she said, "it won't always end like this." the honest truth: i'm struggling with being single. i'm not desperate. i'm not unhappy. but i'm tired of every date and every possibility and every relationship ending the same way. that's the truth. but on the flip side, the truth is that every frog gets me that much closer to the prince. every day without him makes me another day closer to him. and so even when i say (or scream) that i give up, the truth is, i can't give up. i'm still holding on. i've still got faith, because every day - any day - could be the day.
"the truth will set you free."
john 8:32
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
i'll stop the world and melt with you
for most of you who know me, you know that i am a fairly hardcore healthy/organic food eater and that i am a faithful gym goer. i schedule my days around my workout routine, and i usually exercise willpower in the food choices i make. like yesterday, for example. a coworker gave me a reesie cup. one reesie cup. it had 100 calories. it sat, unwrapped, mind you, on my desk all afternoon. i wanted it so bad. but i just couldn't bring myself to eat 2 bites of a reesie cup for 100 calories. so i tossed it. i'm also pretty good about sticking to drinking only water with the exception of an early morning diet coke.
i can't say that i love to workout, because some days i hate it, and the only thing making me go to the gym is that i know elizabeth is going (and we try to fight the good fight together). lately, however, i feel like i have become addicted to the gym. yesterday i only got to burn about 300 calories, and i was itching to get back in there and burn another 300. i've found a routine that works really well for me, and that i enjoy, and that i can mix up and keep interesting. here are some things that work really well for me in the gym and nutrition wise, also:
1. work out in the morning. even if i only have time for 15 or 20 minutes, i try to get up every morning and do something to burn at least 200 calories. it gets me up and moving, kicks my metabolism into gear, and give me energy for the day. if i can get my whole work out in in the morning, that's even better, but usually i don't have time. it also sets me up to make smart eating choices all day, because i've already done a little workout i feel more committed to eating healthy.
2. interval training. i get bored easily, especially in the gym. i can't sit on the elliptical or treadmill for 45 minutes. interval training is great for a person like me, and it also revs up calorie burning faster than if you're just jogging for a straight 30 minutes.
treadmill:
because i suffer from chronic shin splints, i can only do interval training. i walk for 5 minutes at 4. i run for 1 minute at 7, then walk for 1 minute at 4. i do this for 25 minutes. i walk for 5 minutes at 4, slowly decreasing speed to 2.8, to cool down.
elliptical:
my favorite machine! it's so easy on my shins, plus it's a great cardio workout - better than running. little known fact: unless you're running at about a 7 or 8 for more than 30 minutes, you don't burn that many calories. power walking is actually better for you. anyway. on the elliptical i do 6-7 minutes at a really hard pace - i mean i really push it - to burn 100 calories. every 100 calories, i get off and focus on different muscle groups. i'll do a few sets for shoulders, biceps, and triceps. the next time around i'll do squats. i also work in abs and back. i do between 4 and 6 sets of elliptical/weight training.
3. never, ever, ever skip a meal. seriously. if you do nothing else, don't skip a meal. it slows your metabolism waaaay down, and you're creating a bigger problem. if your option is eat a happy meal from mcdonald's or eat nothing, eat the happy meal. you don't want to slow down your metabolism.
4. snack often. obviously i don't mean on candy and cookies. but healthy snacks throughout the day can curb your appetite and help you avoid overeating come meal time. snacks should be about 200 calories and should be high in protein. kashi granola bars, yogurt, and fresh fruit are things i always have in my bag. try to eat something every 2-4 hours. that way you don't become famished and stuff your face with anything in sight. trust me, you will hate yourself after.
5. don't skip a workout. if you've got a workout plan, stick to it. i will rearrange my day if i have to to get in a workout. if you're super busy, try breaking it up into 4 10 minute segments. if you are grouchy one day, force 20 minutes out of yourself and call it a day. the point is: do something. chances are, if you get through those 20 minutes, you can make it through the rest of your regimine.
6. find foods you like and eat them often. i have a few "go-to" foods that are healthy and quick, and i always keep them at home.
steamed veggies:
pre-bagged in the freezer section of the grocery store. they take 5 minutes, are delicious, low in calories, and high in vitamins/nutrious minerals. bake some chicken and you've got a meal.
lean cuisines:
i keep my freezer stocked with these. most have between 200-350 calories. heat one up, make a bag of steamed veggies, and you've got a filling meal (more so than a lean cuisine on its own).
salad:
i always have organic greens on hand. i make two variations of salads often. asian salad with mandarin oranges, almonds, sesame seeds, red onions, lo mein noodles and browned chicken with kraft light toasted sesame seed dressing is light and fresh for summer. i also make greek salad with red onions, cucumbers, red peppers, cherry tomatoes, feta cheese, and kraft light balsamic vinagrette dressing. both of these are quick and easy recipes. they can also be vegetarian.
7. find healthy friends. get your friends on board with you. help them start exercising and eating healthier, and it'll encourage you to work even harder and eat even healthier. don't let them talk you into splurging every night.
8. treat yourself. don't deny yourself if you truly have a craving for something. eat a little bite and move on. you probably won't gorge yourself later if you have a little treat. this morning i had a chick-fil-a biscuit. it was a nice treat. now i don't need one again for a while.
9. don't weigh yourself constantly. as a woman, i have seen how my weight can fluctuate by pounds daily. so i quit checking every morning. i'll weigh myself every couple of weeks, but i don't freak out. or at least i try not to. i'm healthy. i workout. i eat right. i'm also 6 feet tall. if i'm taking care of myself and working hard and making wise food choices, there's not much else i can do. embrace your body.
10. drink water. once you start drinking water, you'll understand why everybody always said to drink water. i feel so good when i drink water, and so crappy when i don't. the sweetest thing i can drink now is a diet coke, and at times it is even too sweet. water keeps you full, gives you energy, wakes your brain up, and keeps your skin looking glamorous. it also keeps your system moving and flushing out stuff you don't need weighing you down. trust me. drink lots of water.
i can't say that i love to workout, because some days i hate it, and the only thing making me go to the gym is that i know elizabeth is going (and we try to fight the good fight together). lately, however, i feel like i have become addicted to the gym. yesterday i only got to burn about 300 calories, and i was itching to get back in there and burn another 300. i've found a routine that works really well for me, and that i enjoy, and that i can mix up and keep interesting. here are some things that work really well for me in the gym and nutrition wise, also:
1. work out in the morning. even if i only have time for 15 or 20 minutes, i try to get up every morning and do something to burn at least 200 calories. it gets me up and moving, kicks my metabolism into gear, and give me energy for the day. if i can get my whole work out in in the morning, that's even better, but usually i don't have time. it also sets me up to make smart eating choices all day, because i've already done a little workout i feel more committed to eating healthy.
2. interval training. i get bored easily, especially in the gym. i can't sit on the elliptical or treadmill for 45 minutes. interval training is great for a person like me, and it also revs up calorie burning faster than if you're just jogging for a straight 30 minutes.
treadmill:
because i suffer from chronic shin splints, i can only do interval training. i walk for 5 minutes at 4. i run for 1 minute at 7, then walk for 1 minute at 4. i do this for 25 minutes. i walk for 5 minutes at 4, slowly decreasing speed to 2.8, to cool down.
elliptical:
my favorite machine! it's so easy on my shins, plus it's a great cardio workout - better than running. little known fact: unless you're running at about a 7 or 8 for more than 30 minutes, you don't burn that many calories. power walking is actually better for you. anyway. on the elliptical i do 6-7 minutes at a really hard pace - i mean i really push it - to burn 100 calories. every 100 calories, i get off and focus on different muscle groups. i'll do a few sets for shoulders, biceps, and triceps. the next time around i'll do squats. i also work in abs and back. i do between 4 and 6 sets of elliptical/weight training.
3. never, ever, ever skip a meal. seriously. if you do nothing else, don't skip a meal. it slows your metabolism waaaay down, and you're creating a bigger problem. if your option is eat a happy meal from mcdonald's or eat nothing, eat the happy meal. you don't want to slow down your metabolism.
4. snack often. obviously i don't mean on candy and cookies. but healthy snacks throughout the day can curb your appetite and help you avoid overeating come meal time. snacks should be about 200 calories and should be high in protein. kashi granola bars, yogurt, and fresh fruit are things i always have in my bag. try to eat something every 2-4 hours. that way you don't become famished and stuff your face with anything in sight. trust me, you will hate yourself after.
5. don't skip a workout. if you've got a workout plan, stick to it. i will rearrange my day if i have to to get in a workout. if you're super busy, try breaking it up into 4 10 minute segments. if you are grouchy one day, force 20 minutes out of yourself and call it a day. the point is: do something. chances are, if you get through those 20 minutes, you can make it through the rest of your regimine.
6. find foods you like and eat them often. i have a few "go-to" foods that are healthy and quick, and i always keep them at home.
steamed veggies:
pre-bagged in the freezer section of the grocery store. they take 5 minutes, are delicious, low in calories, and high in vitamins/nutrious minerals. bake some chicken and you've got a meal.
lean cuisines:
i keep my freezer stocked with these. most have between 200-350 calories. heat one up, make a bag of steamed veggies, and you've got a filling meal (more so than a lean cuisine on its own).
salad:
i always have organic greens on hand. i make two variations of salads often. asian salad with mandarin oranges, almonds, sesame seeds, red onions, lo mein noodles and browned chicken with kraft light toasted sesame seed dressing is light and fresh for summer. i also make greek salad with red onions, cucumbers, red peppers, cherry tomatoes, feta cheese, and kraft light balsamic vinagrette dressing. both of these are quick and easy recipes. they can also be vegetarian.
7. find healthy friends. get your friends on board with you. help them start exercising and eating healthier, and it'll encourage you to work even harder and eat even healthier. don't let them talk you into splurging every night.
8. treat yourself. don't deny yourself if you truly have a craving for something. eat a little bite and move on. you probably won't gorge yourself later if you have a little treat. this morning i had a chick-fil-a biscuit. it was a nice treat. now i don't need one again for a while.
9. don't weigh yourself constantly. as a woman, i have seen how my weight can fluctuate by pounds daily. so i quit checking every morning. i'll weigh myself every couple of weeks, but i don't freak out. or at least i try not to. i'm healthy. i workout. i eat right. i'm also 6 feet tall. if i'm taking care of myself and working hard and making wise food choices, there's not much else i can do. embrace your body.
10. drink water. once you start drinking water, you'll understand why everybody always said to drink water. i feel so good when i drink water, and so crappy when i don't. the sweetest thing i can drink now is a diet coke, and at times it is even too sweet. water keeps you full, gives you energy, wakes your brain up, and keeps your skin looking glamorous. it also keeps your system moving and flushing out stuff you don't need weighing you down. trust me. drink lots of water.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
there's no such thing as perfect people
can i tell you the beautiful thing (well one of the many beautiful things) about our god?
he never changes.
when i think about my own mood swings - which can cause whiplash at times - i can't comprehend how our god was, and is, and is to come the same holy, righteous, loving, faithful, good, merciful, forgiving father. the tiniest thing can completely change my entire mindset, thus completely changing my thoughts, words, and actions. his thoughts, words, and actions never change. his thoughts are always about me. his words are always full of truth, love, encouragment, and correction. his actions are always working in my favor.
relationships between people can and very often do change. the relationship between siblings usually grows from one of annoyance to one of close commradery. the relationship between parents and children eventually transforms into friendship. the relationship between friends can change based on location, romantic relationships, or other life shifts. all relationship changes are not positive - marriages divorce, people break up, friends get mad and stop being friends. bottom line: human relationships change - and they can change so much that they end. because god never changes, our relationship with him never changes. once we become one of his children, we are always one of his children. his affections towards us never stop. his love for us never ceases. his faithfulness to us never strays. his promises never become void. his mercy never runs out. nothing we can do changes anything about him. he alone is perfect. he alone is holy. he alone is worthy. i need to remember that when i feel as though god is a million miles away. did he move? did he change? no. i did. i moved away from him. i pulled my heart away from his. i stopped being thankful. i stopped spending time with him. i stopped thinking of him. thank goodness god's perfection is not impacted by my imperfection. instead, i'm reminded that he tells us that "my strength is made perfect in weakness." there is such hope in knowing that instead of deciding to terminate his relationship with me because i am hopelessly flawed, jesus uses my flaws to show me his own perfection and love and goodness.
o, love that will not let me go
i rest my weary soul in thee
i give thee back the life i owe
that in thine ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be
o, light that followest all my ways
i yield my flickering torch to thee
my heart restores its borrowed ray
that in thy sunshine's blaze its day
may brighter, fairer be
o, joy that seekest me through pain
i cannot close my heart to thee
i trace the rainbow through the rain
and feel the promise is not vain
that the morn shall tearless be
o, cross that liftest up my head
i dare not ask to fly from thee
i lay in dust life's glory dead
and from the ground there blossoms red
life that shall endless be
-george matheson
he never changes.
when i think about my own mood swings - which can cause whiplash at times - i can't comprehend how our god was, and is, and is to come the same holy, righteous, loving, faithful, good, merciful, forgiving father. the tiniest thing can completely change my entire mindset, thus completely changing my thoughts, words, and actions. his thoughts, words, and actions never change. his thoughts are always about me. his words are always full of truth, love, encouragment, and correction. his actions are always working in my favor.
relationships between people can and very often do change. the relationship between siblings usually grows from one of annoyance to one of close commradery. the relationship between parents and children eventually transforms into friendship. the relationship between friends can change based on location, romantic relationships, or other life shifts. all relationship changes are not positive - marriages divorce, people break up, friends get mad and stop being friends. bottom line: human relationships change - and they can change so much that they end. because god never changes, our relationship with him never changes. once we become one of his children, we are always one of his children. his affections towards us never stop. his love for us never ceases. his faithfulness to us never strays. his promises never become void. his mercy never runs out. nothing we can do changes anything about him. he alone is perfect. he alone is holy. he alone is worthy. i need to remember that when i feel as though god is a million miles away. did he move? did he change? no. i did. i moved away from him. i pulled my heart away from his. i stopped being thankful. i stopped spending time with him. i stopped thinking of him. thank goodness god's perfection is not impacted by my imperfection. instead, i'm reminded that he tells us that "my strength is made perfect in weakness." there is such hope in knowing that instead of deciding to terminate his relationship with me because i am hopelessly flawed, jesus uses my flaws to show me his own perfection and love and goodness.
o, love that will not let me go
i rest my weary soul in thee
i give thee back the life i owe
that in thine ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be
o, light that followest all my ways
i yield my flickering torch to thee
my heart restores its borrowed ray
that in thy sunshine's blaze its day
may brighter, fairer be
o, joy that seekest me through pain
i cannot close my heart to thee
i trace the rainbow through the rain
and feel the promise is not vain
that the morn shall tearless be
o, cross that liftest up my head
i dare not ask to fly from thee
i lay in dust life's glory dead
and from the ground there blossoms red
life that shall endless be
-george matheson
Monday, June 15, 2009
dear mom and daddy...
i have realized something lately:
i have the best two parents in the whole entire universe. seriously. and my mom is probably reading this, and she will probably start crying now, but it's true.
all through growing up, they were so easy to live with. i have never for a second been afraid of either of my parents. sure, i've lied about stuff, but in the end, the truth came out, and i've never feared them. i've always told them everything, because they've always been approachable. we're a close family, and the four of us (mom, dad, me and gray) have always talked about everything. my mom is completely uncensored and tells it like it is (hmm, sound familiar?), and i love her for it. i love that she never tries to be somebody she's not. my dad is honest and no-nonsense, but completely laid back and hilarious (just like gray). to this day, i tell my mom everything. my parents always knew where we were, what we were doing, and who we were with. when we were older, we had late curfews, or no curfews, because they learned that they could trust us. they made us work, but always gave us money for fun activities. they were at every single event, game, recital, conference, pta meeting, graduation. they would travel four hours to watch a game - even if we didn't play. they sat through countless piano lessons. they always let us speak our peace and tell them what we thought, but we never got away with being disrespectful or having a smart-mouth.
now that we're both grown ups (well, gray is basically a grown up), the relationship we have with mom and dad couldn't be better. i love being friends with my parents. at this point, they're done parenting me, and it's awesome. they let me live my life. they don't call too much, they don't ask about my money, they don't ask where i'm going. they are ALWAYS there if i need them, and they gave me money last week because i was in a bad situation (due to verizon wireless charging me twice for a 300 dollar bill). they don't try to tell me what to do or how to operate my life. when they visit, they don't critique my apartment. they let me live my own life. and i could not appreciate anything more. they let gray go off to texas for the summers to do what he loves and make very little money. they even buy his plane ticket out there.
when we're all home it's time that we value, and we can sit around at the dinner table laughing and having a good time with no pressure of parent-child relationships. judging by my brother (who is nowhere near perfect, but a pretty great guy), my parents' methods were the perfect blend. gray and i are self-sufficient, responsible, smart, totally family-oriented, and happy young adults.
i cannot thank my parents enough for raising me the way they did. they were strict until they didn't have to be. they were my parents until they could be my friends. they pushed me to leave home, because it was best for me, even if they knew it'd be hard on them. they encourage me to do what i want - move to australia, get a new job - in fact, they said to do whatever i wanted to be happy as long as i could buy food and shelter for myself, etc. they tell me to figure out my money, bills, living arrangements and whatever else on my own, but they're always available to give advice and help me out when needed. they have never smothered me, never "hovered," never pushed me away because they were too involved, never made me wish i had different parents. in fact, lately i have become more certain that i am glad that i have tom and janis as mom and dad. they have been great examples of doing the right thing - not the thing you want to do, but the RIGHT thing. they are hospitable and generous - they let me bring carloads of people to their house pretty much whenever i want to, and they feed them all! they are kind and affectionate. they made/make going to church as a family a priority. they never tried to rule over me, but lovingly shape who i was to become. i love them for that.
not to say they don't ever drive me crazy (and i don't ever drive them crazy), but seriously. i have the perfect parents.
i have the best two parents in the whole entire universe. seriously. and my mom is probably reading this, and she will probably start crying now, but it's true.
all through growing up, they were so easy to live with. i have never for a second been afraid of either of my parents. sure, i've lied about stuff, but in the end, the truth came out, and i've never feared them. i've always told them everything, because they've always been approachable. we're a close family, and the four of us (mom, dad, me and gray) have always talked about everything. my mom is completely uncensored and tells it like it is (hmm, sound familiar?), and i love her for it. i love that she never tries to be somebody she's not. my dad is honest and no-nonsense, but completely laid back and hilarious (just like gray). to this day, i tell my mom everything. my parents always knew where we were, what we were doing, and who we were with. when we were older, we had late curfews, or no curfews, because they learned that they could trust us. they made us work, but always gave us money for fun activities. they were at every single event, game, recital, conference, pta meeting, graduation. they would travel four hours to watch a game - even if we didn't play. they sat through countless piano lessons. they always let us speak our peace and tell them what we thought, but we never got away with being disrespectful or having a smart-mouth.
now that we're both grown ups (well, gray is basically a grown up), the relationship we have with mom and dad couldn't be better. i love being friends with my parents. at this point, they're done parenting me, and it's awesome. they let me live my life. they don't call too much, they don't ask about my money, they don't ask where i'm going. they are ALWAYS there if i need them, and they gave me money last week because i was in a bad situation (due to verizon wireless charging me twice for a 300 dollar bill). they don't try to tell me what to do or how to operate my life. when they visit, they don't critique my apartment. they let me live my own life. and i could not appreciate anything more. they let gray go off to texas for the summers to do what he loves and make very little money. they even buy his plane ticket out there.
when we're all home it's time that we value, and we can sit around at the dinner table laughing and having a good time with no pressure of parent-child relationships. judging by my brother (who is nowhere near perfect, but a pretty great guy), my parents' methods were the perfect blend. gray and i are self-sufficient, responsible, smart, totally family-oriented, and happy young adults.
i cannot thank my parents enough for raising me the way they did. they were strict until they didn't have to be. they were my parents until they could be my friends. they pushed me to leave home, because it was best for me, even if they knew it'd be hard on them. they encourage me to do what i want - move to australia, get a new job - in fact, they said to do whatever i wanted to be happy as long as i could buy food and shelter for myself, etc. they tell me to figure out my money, bills, living arrangements and whatever else on my own, but they're always available to give advice and help me out when needed. they have never smothered me, never "hovered," never pushed me away because they were too involved, never made me wish i had different parents. in fact, lately i have become more certain that i am glad that i have tom and janis as mom and dad. they have been great examples of doing the right thing - not the thing you want to do, but the RIGHT thing. they are hospitable and generous - they let me bring carloads of people to their house pretty much whenever i want to, and they feed them all! they are kind and affectionate. they made/make going to church as a family a priority. they never tried to rule over me, but lovingly shape who i was to become. i love them for that.
not to say they don't ever drive me crazy (and i don't ever drive them crazy), but seriously. i have the perfect parents.
what do i know of holy?
i blog about love a lot, and today is no exception. exception. hmm. i like that word. let me explain why. last night, elizabeth and i were watching he's just not that in to you. the movie is hilarious, sweet, cute, very honest, and very insightful. what i've learned is that i am the rule. and as the rule, romance does not work in my favor. guys do not call me when they say they will. they feed me what i want to hear, then break my heart. guys date me while they're dating somebody else. they lie to me, and i believe it. guys see me as their best friend but not as their girlfriend. after all these years, and one very helpful movie, i have come to terms with the fact that i am the rule. however, i have hope. my favorite movie line (well, one of the many) is when alex tells gigi, "you are my exception." wow. one day, hopefully the lord is going to put somebody in my life who will be my exception. he will call when he says he will. he will be truthful and upfront. he will protect and cherish my heart. he will pursue me to be his wife.
here's the next part of this blog: what if i don't get married? i know i've written about this before, probably more times than you, my faithful followers, care to read about. but seroiusly, what if i don't get married? this is where jesus totally stepped in over the weekend and was working on my heart. do i long for jesus' return and rescue as i long for a husband? not a chance. do i want to? absolutely. paul tells us in philippians 3:20 that our "citizenship is in heaven." in 1 corinthians he calls us to wait eagerly for jesus' revelation. when i'm anxiously awaiting the return of the Lover of My Soul - the One who will bring complete and total satisfaction to the depths of my heart - my Savior - my Kinsman Redeemer - who cares if i'm married or not? oh lord, teach me to long and expect and impatiently wait for you.
and now for part three: single girl life is so not what i envisioned. upon graduating from clemson and moving to greenville, i imagined glamorous nights out on the town with my other single girlfriends (which, for the record, consist of eliz and jaime). i expected meeting other fun, single people. i thought i'd date more. i was wa-rong (credit to my favorite sonic commercials). the thing is, i don't feel tied to greenville. i don't feel tied to camden. my parents have their own life. i am thankful that they do, because at least my parents aren't divorcing now that the kids are gone. they are in love and happy and are enjoying life after kids. i'm glad. lindsey is getting married. again, i'm THRILLED for her. she's attached here. eliz lives with her parents and has all her family here. she's attached here. gray, well, he flew the coop a long time ago, and we'll never get him back. i'm not attached. i'm single, and i really don't see myself meeting anyone anytime in the near (or not so near) future. i feel like i need to GO. i need to breakaway (thanks, kelly). i need to do something big and scary and adventurous. but then my thought is this: would i really feel different in a different place? probably not. i don't want to do something just for the sake of doing it. i don't want to move away to make something happen - because when i try to make things happen, well...we all know how that turns out. i've got to learn to deal with this single girl life here. with my friends and family, who, though they all have their own lives, have graciously made me a pretty big part of them. oh this single girl syndrome. i'm gonna get over it. i think i'm making my own life, and i just don't realize it yet.
here's the next part of this blog: what if i don't get married? i know i've written about this before, probably more times than you, my faithful followers, care to read about. but seroiusly, what if i don't get married? this is where jesus totally stepped in over the weekend and was working on my heart. do i long for jesus' return and rescue as i long for a husband? not a chance. do i want to? absolutely. paul tells us in philippians 3:20 that our "citizenship is in heaven." in 1 corinthians he calls us to wait eagerly for jesus' revelation. when i'm anxiously awaiting the return of the Lover of My Soul - the One who will bring complete and total satisfaction to the depths of my heart - my Savior - my Kinsman Redeemer - who cares if i'm married or not? oh lord, teach me to long and expect and impatiently wait for you.
and now for part three: single girl life is so not what i envisioned. upon graduating from clemson and moving to greenville, i imagined glamorous nights out on the town with my other single girlfriends (which, for the record, consist of eliz and jaime). i expected meeting other fun, single people. i thought i'd date more. i was wa-rong (credit to my favorite sonic commercials). the thing is, i don't feel tied to greenville. i don't feel tied to camden. my parents have their own life. i am thankful that they do, because at least my parents aren't divorcing now that the kids are gone. they are in love and happy and are enjoying life after kids. i'm glad. lindsey is getting married. again, i'm THRILLED for her. she's attached here. eliz lives with her parents and has all her family here. she's attached here. gray, well, he flew the coop a long time ago, and we'll never get him back. i'm not attached. i'm single, and i really don't see myself meeting anyone anytime in the near (or not so near) future. i feel like i need to GO. i need to breakaway (thanks, kelly). i need to do something big and scary and adventurous. but then my thought is this: would i really feel different in a different place? probably not. i don't want to do something just for the sake of doing it. i don't want to move away to make something happen - because when i try to make things happen, well...we all know how that turns out. i've got to learn to deal with this single girl life here. with my friends and family, who, though they all have their own lives, have graciously made me a pretty big part of them. oh this single girl syndrome. i'm gonna get over it. i think i'm making my own life, and i just don't realize it yet.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
recent happenings
i've become rather deliquent with my blog posts, so i'm going to give you a brief run-down of my life lately - in list form, because despite my complete anti-type a personality, i like to make lists. whether or not i do things or buy things or live according to my list is irrelevant.
1. i am getting a tattoo. i've been saying i want one since college, and i've been playing around with permanent markers for a while, trying to find the right spot and the right tattoo. i've decided that on my right foot, at the top on the right, under my toes, i am going to have the word "grace" written in hebrew. i've pondered a lot of things, other symbols and words, but grace is the one thing that i always want to be with me. it's beautiful in hebrew, too. i love it. it's on my foot currently in permanent marker, and it's so perfect. it's very small, only about an inch. i don't want it to wash off! gray wants a tattoo, too, and i'd really like to wait and go with him to get mine. brother-sister bonding.
2. verizon charged me twice for a $288 bill. it caused my bank account to overdraft. my account currently reads -$932. yes, that's right. i said NEGATIVE $932. didn't even know it was possible for a bank statement to look like that. it is. if verizon doesn't correct the issue for me, then my dear ole dad will step in with the LAW. haha. but really. i need my $932 back.
3. it's funny how friends rotate in and out of your life. well not funny, really, but i think you can definitely see how the lord brings people into your life for a season (and a reason, not to be corny). and while some may stay longer than others, some may stay for no time at all, and some may float in and out, it's interesting to see just how one floats in when another floats away. i can't say i always enjoy this aspect of life, because once i make a friend, i hold on tightly to them. i don't like when relationships change. but in my life, it's true that every person who has been a part of my life, for whatever reason and for however long, they have had a reason, and they have left me with memories. and someone else has floated into my life to replace the ones that have floated away. jesus is beautiful that way.
4. i have sun poisoning on my chest. and it is disgusting.
5. i woke up and went to the gym at 6:30 this morning. i always feel so good when i work out in the morning. it wakes me up and energizes me and really boosts my mood. i've needed that this week.
6. for this number, i'm just going to refer you back to my post about dating. guys feed girls a lot of crap, and we buy into it and get all attached. guys need to stop, and girls need to guard their hearts. the end.
7. i feel as though i have exhausted every romantic option in my life. at this point, i just don't really even care anymore. i cannot take the emotional rollercoaster. whatever.
8. i've been doing the beth moore study "a woman's heart: god's dwelling place." i did it two years ago after my life had fallen apart, and i was in the "wilderness." like the people of israel, god had led me to a place of bitterness. i was reading notes i had written in the work book in 2007, and it is amazing to me that i am the person i am today. the first time i did this study, i had no concept of how i would ever be okay - how i would ever heal, forgive, move on, or taste sweetness and joy in life. that sounds dramatic, but that's how it was. today i can look back, and trace god's hand all over my life and see how he's led me not only TO that place but THROUGH it and PAST it. i thought i'd be wandering in the desert forever, but i wasn't. just like the tree sweetened the water at marah for the israelites, the cross sweetened my bitterness and hurt and anger. oh, the wonderful, wonderful cross of christ.
9. my birthday is next friday. i LOVE my birthday. :)
10. it's almost the weekend. ptl.
1. i am getting a tattoo. i've been saying i want one since college, and i've been playing around with permanent markers for a while, trying to find the right spot and the right tattoo. i've decided that on my right foot, at the top on the right, under my toes, i am going to have the word "grace" written in hebrew. i've pondered a lot of things, other symbols and words, but grace is the one thing that i always want to be with me. it's beautiful in hebrew, too. i love it. it's on my foot currently in permanent marker, and it's so perfect. it's very small, only about an inch. i don't want it to wash off! gray wants a tattoo, too, and i'd really like to wait and go with him to get mine. brother-sister bonding.
2. verizon charged me twice for a $288 bill. it caused my bank account to overdraft. my account currently reads -$932. yes, that's right. i said NEGATIVE $932. didn't even know it was possible for a bank statement to look like that. it is. if verizon doesn't correct the issue for me, then my dear ole dad will step in with the LAW. haha. but really. i need my $932 back.
3. it's funny how friends rotate in and out of your life. well not funny, really, but i think you can definitely see how the lord brings people into your life for a season (and a reason, not to be corny). and while some may stay longer than others, some may stay for no time at all, and some may float in and out, it's interesting to see just how one floats in when another floats away. i can't say i always enjoy this aspect of life, because once i make a friend, i hold on tightly to them. i don't like when relationships change. but in my life, it's true that every person who has been a part of my life, for whatever reason and for however long, they have had a reason, and they have left me with memories. and someone else has floated into my life to replace the ones that have floated away. jesus is beautiful that way.
4. i have sun poisoning on my chest. and it is disgusting.
5. i woke up and went to the gym at 6:30 this morning. i always feel so good when i work out in the morning. it wakes me up and energizes me and really boosts my mood. i've needed that this week.
6. for this number, i'm just going to refer you back to my post about dating. guys feed girls a lot of crap, and we buy into it and get all attached. guys need to stop, and girls need to guard their hearts. the end.
7. i feel as though i have exhausted every romantic option in my life. at this point, i just don't really even care anymore. i cannot take the emotional rollercoaster. whatever.
8. i've been doing the beth moore study "a woman's heart: god's dwelling place." i did it two years ago after my life had fallen apart, and i was in the "wilderness." like the people of israel, god had led me to a place of bitterness. i was reading notes i had written in the work book in 2007, and it is amazing to me that i am the person i am today. the first time i did this study, i had no concept of how i would ever be okay - how i would ever heal, forgive, move on, or taste sweetness and joy in life. that sounds dramatic, but that's how it was. today i can look back, and trace god's hand all over my life and see how he's led me not only TO that place but THROUGH it and PAST it. i thought i'd be wandering in the desert forever, but i wasn't. just like the tree sweetened the water at marah for the israelites, the cross sweetened my bitterness and hurt and anger. oh, the wonderful, wonderful cross of christ.
9. my birthday is next friday. i LOVE my birthday. :)
10. it's almost the weekend. ptl.
Monday, June 8, 2009
got a case of love bipolar
not knowing the answer to something you're wondering about is frustrating. i'm kind of a free spirit, so even though my mind is all over the place all the time, and i see a lot of grey instead of black and white, i need cut and dry answers. in between is difficult for me. i don't like wondering and not knowing. it's confusing. and it's sets you up to be irritated and confused and eventually even hurt. the dilemma is that you can either point-blank ask, and hope for an honest answer (and the answer you want to hear), or you can continue through the inbetween and wait it out and hope for the best. both seem impossible.
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