ohh what a monday this has been. i'm sipping a diet coke and pondering the events that have occurred already today. i don't think that my blog is probably the best place to hash out everything, but it's been a crazy morning/early afternoon. nothing bad, really. just lots of weird/big/stressful/frustrating stuff. it's in these moments where i'm just kind of like, "really, God?" that i find it so hard to focus on him. i'd rather pour all of my energy into feeling confused or angry or frustrated instead of searching him out. i feel my forehead scrunched up tight into a frown, and i'd rather just keep it that way than to relax, take a deep breath, and fix my eyes on jesus. but in my quiet time yesterday i read this verse, and i'm just replaying it over and over in my head and my heart like a broken record.
"my eyes are ever on the LORD."
- psalm 25:15
i'm so thankful that i'm surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. from margaret and sara, to mrs. krause all the way down in florida : ), to my brother and my best friends here in greenville. they do such a good job of praying over me and encouraging me and pointing me to jesus. it's a blessing to be able to go to them with hurts and frustrations and disappointments, because i know they're going to faithfully cover me in prayer.
so as i'm wrestling with a million different thoughts today, "my eyes are ever on the LORD."
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
i make a lot of bad decisions
i have learned, in my 23 years of living, that i make a lot of rash decisions that i don't think through. then i get to reap the benefits for those decisions for days to come. my most recent realization of a poorly developed decision:
why, oh why, did i ever decide it would be a good idea to color my hair??
naturally, i have beautiful, curly/wavy dark brown hair. however, when i was a sophomore in high school i decided it'd be a good idea to wreck my beautiful Hershey's colored hair with fire-engine red streaks.
two words: bad. idea.
ever since then it's been a constant battle to reclaim my previously virgin locks. and i'm losing the battle.
i hate that i can't have my natural hair color back, because it's so pretty! instead i have pretty highlighted hair for a week or 2, until the color fades to orange and my roots grow out to remind me of what i've done. then i contemplate shaving it all off and starting over (don't worry, i'll never have the nerve to actually do this). i attempt to dye it back to my natural color, though many friends hate when my hair is dark, but it only washes out to reveal the same yellow orange mess i've created.
obviously, this is a very silly example of bad decisions i've made, but it's a perfect one, too. i did something i thought i wanted. in fact, i did want it in that moment. i wanted bright red streaks in my hair. so what did i do? did i think about it? heck no. i bought some red hair dye and let my best friend, christa, go to town on my hair. did i like it? for about a week. do i regret it? absolutely. this pattern of desire and regret plagues many other moments in my life.
while other bad decisions may have been more serious, and more damaging, the lesson is the same: think before you act, ashley. and still, i fail to learn this lesson. and the sad thing is, i really do miss my dark brown hair - plain as having dark brown hair may be. it's not as fun and exciting as blonde hair. and it's not as wild and attention-grabbing as red hair. but it's my plain old brown hair, and i'd like it back.
why, oh why, did i ever decide it would be a good idea to color my hair??
naturally, i have beautiful, curly/wavy dark brown hair. however, when i was a sophomore in high school i decided it'd be a good idea to wreck my beautiful Hershey's colored hair with fire-engine red streaks.
two words: bad. idea.
ever since then it's been a constant battle to reclaim my previously virgin locks. and i'm losing the battle.
i hate that i can't have my natural hair color back, because it's so pretty! instead i have pretty highlighted hair for a week or 2, until the color fades to orange and my roots grow out to remind me of what i've done. then i contemplate shaving it all off and starting over (don't worry, i'll never have the nerve to actually do this). i attempt to dye it back to my natural color, though many friends hate when my hair is dark, but it only washes out to reveal the same yellow orange mess i've created.
obviously, this is a very silly example of bad decisions i've made, but it's a perfect one, too. i did something i thought i wanted. in fact, i did want it in that moment. i wanted bright red streaks in my hair. so what did i do? did i think about it? heck no. i bought some red hair dye and let my best friend, christa, go to town on my hair. did i like it? for about a week. do i regret it? absolutely. this pattern of desire and regret plagues many other moments in my life.
while other bad decisions may have been more serious, and more damaging, the lesson is the same: think before you act, ashley. and still, i fail to learn this lesson. and the sad thing is, i really do miss my dark brown hair - plain as having dark brown hair may be. it's not as fun and exciting as blonde hair. and it's not as wild and attention-grabbing as red hair. but it's my plain old brown hair, and i'd like it back.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
i wish i knew then what i know now
it's funny - well not funny, but just so like God - how the Lord can put something on your heart randomly, and then it ends up coming up all over the place in various forms. this happened to me this week. i suppose for you to understand this blog, i'm going to have to do a little soul-baring for a minute. i talk a lot about "my story" or "my testimony" in my blog, but most of you probably have no idea what i'm talking about. i'm going to summarize it for you, leaving out a lot of details and names and specifics. i am more than willing to answer questions, because this vague interpretation of what happened in my life won't do any justice to how it actually happened or how the Savior actually went about redeeming me. in a nutshell:
i grew up in a christian home, and gave my life to Jesus when i was eight, although i didn't actually do much with that until i was a junior in high school (i'm ashamed to say). my sophomore year at clemson, i was completely satisfied being single. in fact, i was extremely happy with my life. however, one of my best friends told me she wanted to set me up with a friend of her's. i hesitantly agreed. after many, many attempts to meet this guy and after many, many wild circumstances not allowing it, we began to email. i should interject here that i knew from day one that i should not email this guy and that i should not let myself get involved at all - not even a little bit. but, in my great and infinite wisdom i did it anyway. for a year i emailed back and forth with this person, getting in deeper and deeper and deeper until eventually i was planning a wedding, shopping for apartments, planning kids' names, and imagining our perfect life together. keep in mind i still have not met this person. every time we made plans something tragic happened in his life. i spent a year - april to april - in constant misery: wanting so badly to be with this person who i was planning on spending my life with, but in total heartache and hurt because i couldn't be with him. not to mention that every time his mom got sick or he had a wreck or something happened to a family friend i had my heart broken just a little more - because i cared about who he cared about. anyway, this lasted a year, and i had given every little tiny piece of myself - and my heart - away to this guy. all this time i know that the Lord is asking me to give up the relationship, to trust Him, and to get out, but i didn't. i knew what i wanted, and i tried to fake my relationship with God by having quiet times and praying over the relationship and raising my hands at fca. i was completely dying inside, because i knew that my life was a mess. turns out, he wasn't real. as in he did not exist. my best friend was emailing me as him the whole time. i don't think i can convey in words or in analogies or in any way possible the devestation that abruptly entered my world. i can remember it hurting me to breathe. i think i cried for about 2 weeks straight, and i only remember sleeping when my mom gave me dramamine (or something similar) to make me sleep at night. i had lost two of the most important people in my life: a best friend and the guy i was planning to marry. i had totally and utterly destroyed my life all because i was certain that i knew better than my Father.
for some of you reading this, you might have already known this story, and you may be rolling your eyes and thinking, "she really needs to get over that by now." if you're thinking that, i'm sorry i've bored you. if you just read it for the first time, you might be thinking, "what an idiot." don't worry, that's nothing i haven't heard before. the thing is, i don't regret it (now), and i don't think i will ever be "over it." it changed my life. but there is so much beauty to my story. i cannot even begin to describe to you the way i watched and experienced the Lord slowly taking me apart and redeeming all the little piece of myself that i had given away. it fills my heart with unspeakable joy to think of how He reached down to me - when i was so far gone from Him - and gently (or not so gently, as this was a pretty traumatic event) pulled me out. the timing was completely perfect. the way it all came to light was completely perfect. in no way do i mean that it was sweet and neat and a clean break, but everything about it was totally God. i have watched Him love me in my rebellion and pursue me in the desert and truly bind up my wounds. i have been given beauty for ashes - because He truly burned away everything in my life that was not of Himself. i feel like israel. or maybe gomer. despite all the ways i ran away from God in that year, He still didn't give up on me - there wasn't a distance He wasn't willing to go. i've watched as He's healed relationships i destroyed in that year while i gave up everything and everybody for this person i'd never met. i've watched as He's given me a love and desire for truth and honesty in my life. i've learned so much about forgiveness - His for me and mine for others. i've learned what it is to trust Him and to truly make Him the great love of my life.
that short little insight into my life in no way does any justice at all to the story. there is so much more i want to share and write about. but that's exactly where this all comes together. the Lord has really laid my testimony on my heart lately. i find myself practicing it in my head over and over again (and that has never happened before). i brainstorm ways to use it, and lately i've really been desiring to share it. in bible study at church we've been talking about how our dreams might fit in to God's dreams for us, and last night we were asked to think about how God might reclaim a mistake we've made and use it for His glory. hm. coincidence? i think not. God absolutely wants to use my testimony. a book? sharing it with other women? i don't know yet. i'm excited about the possibilites, though. Satan attacks me by making me think that my story isn't that interesting and that it's really not anything anybody would want to hear, but i KNOW that the Lord has put it on my heart for a reason. i know that SOMEBODY could find truth and hope in what happened in my life. and so for that to happen, i'll do with it whatever Jesus wants me to.
so that was quite the epic post. sorry about that. i hope you'll think about this from time to time and remember to pray for me as i'm seeking the Lord's desires for sharing my testimony.
i grew up in a christian home, and gave my life to Jesus when i was eight, although i didn't actually do much with that until i was a junior in high school (i'm ashamed to say). my sophomore year at clemson, i was completely satisfied being single. in fact, i was extremely happy with my life. however, one of my best friends told me she wanted to set me up with a friend of her's. i hesitantly agreed. after many, many attempts to meet this guy and after many, many wild circumstances not allowing it, we began to email. i should interject here that i knew from day one that i should not email this guy and that i should not let myself get involved at all - not even a little bit. but, in my great and infinite wisdom i did it anyway. for a year i emailed back and forth with this person, getting in deeper and deeper and deeper until eventually i was planning a wedding, shopping for apartments, planning kids' names, and imagining our perfect life together. keep in mind i still have not met this person. every time we made plans something tragic happened in his life. i spent a year - april to april - in constant misery: wanting so badly to be with this person who i was planning on spending my life with, but in total heartache and hurt because i couldn't be with him. not to mention that every time his mom got sick or he had a wreck or something happened to a family friend i had my heart broken just a little more - because i cared about who he cared about. anyway, this lasted a year, and i had given every little tiny piece of myself - and my heart - away to this guy. all this time i know that the Lord is asking me to give up the relationship, to trust Him, and to get out, but i didn't. i knew what i wanted, and i tried to fake my relationship with God by having quiet times and praying over the relationship and raising my hands at fca. i was completely dying inside, because i knew that my life was a mess. turns out, he wasn't real. as in he did not exist. my best friend was emailing me as him the whole time. i don't think i can convey in words or in analogies or in any way possible the devestation that abruptly entered my world. i can remember it hurting me to breathe. i think i cried for about 2 weeks straight, and i only remember sleeping when my mom gave me dramamine (or something similar) to make me sleep at night. i had lost two of the most important people in my life: a best friend and the guy i was planning to marry. i had totally and utterly destroyed my life all because i was certain that i knew better than my Father.
for some of you reading this, you might have already known this story, and you may be rolling your eyes and thinking, "she really needs to get over that by now." if you're thinking that, i'm sorry i've bored you. if you just read it for the first time, you might be thinking, "what an idiot." don't worry, that's nothing i haven't heard before. the thing is, i don't regret it (now), and i don't think i will ever be "over it." it changed my life. but there is so much beauty to my story. i cannot even begin to describe to you the way i watched and experienced the Lord slowly taking me apart and redeeming all the little piece of myself that i had given away. it fills my heart with unspeakable joy to think of how He reached down to me - when i was so far gone from Him - and gently (or not so gently, as this was a pretty traumatic event) pulled me out. the timing was completely perfect. the way it all came to light was completely perfect. in no way do i mean that it was sweet and neat and a clean break, but everything about it was totally God. i have watched Him love me in my rebellion and pursue me in the desert and truly bind up my wounds. i have been given beauty for ashes - because He truly burned away everything in my life that was not of Himself. i feel like israel. or maybe gomer. despite all the ways i ran away from God in that year, He still didn't give up on me - there wasn't a distance He wasn't willing to go. i've watched as He's healed relationships i destroyed in that year while i gave up everything and everybody for this person i'd never met. i've watched as He's given me a love and desire for truth and honesty in my life. i've learned so much about forgiveness - His for me and mine for others. i've learned what it is to trust Him and to truly make Him the great love of my life.
that short little insight into my life in no way does any justice at all to the story. there is so much more i want to share and write about. but that's exactly where this all comes together. the Lord has really laid my testimony on my heart lately. i find myself practicing it in my head over and over again (and that has never happened before). i brainstorm ways to use it, and lately i've really been desiring to share it. in bible study at church we've been talking about how our dreams might fit in to God's dreams for us, and last night we were asked to think about how God might reclaim a mistake we've made and use it for His glory. hm. coincidence? i think not. God absolutely wants to use my testimony. a book? sharing it with other women? i don't know yet. i'm excited about the possibilites, though. Satan attacks me by making me think that my story isn't that interesting and that it's really not anything anybody would want to hear, but i KNOW that the Lord has put it on my heart for a reason. i know that SOMEBODY could find truth and hope in what happened in my life. and so for that to happen, i'll do with it whatever Jesus wants me to.
so that was quite the epic post. sorry about that. i hope you'll think about this from time to time and remember to pray for me as i'm seeking the Lord's desires for sharing my testimony.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
the simple things...
"the simple things in life mean the most."
i really do believe that's true. i'm trying to simplify my life. that's difficult for someone like me. i'm a pretty complex person. i'm completely opinionated, but when it comes to what movie to watch or where we should eat lunch, i genuinely don't care. i'm totally stubborn and difficult (my parents have told me this from day one, lovingly, of course), but i can be so "go with the flow." i believe in brutal honesty, but usually start to cry after i've been brutally honest with someone. i'm probably one of the most sarcastic people you'll ever meet, but i can get my feelings hurt pretty easily. i'm highly unorganized and an accident waiting to happen, but i love when my desk and my apartment are super neat and everything is in place. the point of this rambling is not that i'm weird (although i admit that freely), but that simplicity is something that i relish, that i even strive for, but that is so difficult for me to obtain.
one way i'm trying to really simplify my life is to focus. right now i'm really concentrating on friendships. next to family, our friends are the most important things in our lives. we need good friends. for a long time i thought that i should only have really solid, Christian friends. now i'm beginning to think differently. obviously, i believe it's important that some of my closest friends be believers who encourage me and hold me accountable, but now i'm realizing how important my friends who are not Christians are to me. i need to invest in friendships - not just with Christian friends who think just like me. with people. jesus loved people. all kinds of people. he invested (invests) in their lives. am i doing that? i'm trying to. i want to be a good friend. i want to go to soccer games and funerals and lunch dates and watch movies and have good talks and be the person somebody calls at 3 am because they can't sleep and pick up from the airport and give you money if you need it and cook you dinner. and i just switched pronouns so many times just then and that's annoying. i'm sorry. anyway. i want to be a friend who loves. who genuinely loves and invests. if i'm not doing that, then how many real friendships do i have?? how many lives is jesus touching through me if i'm not truly investing in people's lives?? am i going out of my way - like jesus did - to be a friend?? that's the thing that challenges me most. sure, i can stick a sweet note in the mail, or shoot you a kind email, but am i going out of my way - doing something that might not be easy for me or comfortable for me or beneficial to me - to show others christ's love by being a good friend?
that's what i want to do.
"a friend loves at all times."
- proverbs 17:17
also, and this is completely unrelated, but read psalm 20 and 21. good stuff.
i really do believe that's true. i'm trying to simplify my life. that's difficult for someone like me. i'm a pretty complex person. i'm completely opinionated, but when it comes to what movie to watch or where we should eat lunch, i genuinely don't care. i'm totally stubborn and difficult (my parents have told me this from day one, lovingly, of course), but i can be so "go with the flow." i believe in brutal honesty, but usually start to cry after i've been brutally honest with someone. i'm probably one of the most sarcastic people you'll ever meet, but i can get my feelings hurt pretty easily. i'm highly unorganized and an accident waiting to happen, but i love when my desk and my apartment are super neat and everything is in place. the point of this rambling is not that i'm weird (although i admit that freely), but that simplicity is something that i relish, that i even strive for, but that is so difficult for me to obtain.
one way i'm trying to really simplify my life is to focus. right now i'm really concentrating on friendships. next to family, our friends are the most important things in our lives. we need good friends. for a long time i thought that i should only have really solid, Christian friends. now i'm beginning to think differently. obviously, i believe it's important that some of my closest friends be believers who encourage me and hold me accountable, but now i'm realizing how important my friends who are not Christians are to me. i need to invest in friendships - not just with Christian friends who think just like me. with people. jesus loved people. all kinds of people. he invested (invests) in their lives. am i doing that? i'm trying to. i want to be a good friend. i want to go to soccer games and funerals and lunch dates and watch movies and have good talks and be the person somebody calls at 3 am because they can't sleep and pick up from the airport and give you money if you need it and cook you dinner. and i just switched pronouns so many times just then and that's annoying. i'm sorry. anyway. i want to be a friend who loves. who genuinely loves and invests. if i'm not doing that, then how many real friendships do i have?? how many lives is jesus touching through me if i'm not truly investing in people's lives?? am i going out of my way - like jesus did - to be a friend?? that's the thing that challenges me most. sure, i can stick a sweet note in the mail, or shoot you a kind email, but am i going out of my way - doing something that might not be easy for me or comfortable for me or beneficial to me - to show others christ's love by being a good friend?
that's what i want to do.
"a friend loves at all times."
- proverbs 17:17
also, and this is completely unrelated, but read psalm 20 and 21. good stuff.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
once upon a time...
i've been thinking about love a lot lately. i've come to some conclusions that you may have already discovered yourself, but i feel like i need to share them, nonetheless. and this probably won't be organized or in any order (as usual), but try to stay with me.
i would like to blame hollywood for completely misrepresenting love. this is really the thing that's gotten me thinking so much lately. women want a STORY. we want to go on a blind date and marry the guy 3 months later. we want to meet in the grocery store. we want to call a wrong number and fall for the person on the other end. we want to reach for the same movie at blockbuster and end up watching it together. we want to fall madly in love with a vampire and have a dangerous and passionate relationship with him. we see stuff like this all the time in the movies. think about romeo and juliet. titanic. never been kissed. pride and prejudice. you've got mail. all of these movies tell the tale of true love that comes about with a very romantic, but a very unexpected twist. think about the men in the great love stories. mr. darcy. edward cullen. jack dawson. romeo. women create standards for the kind of man they will love based on these "men." the sad truth is, however, that these men are not real men. they are created out of the ideal that we hold in out hearts. the perfect man that is strong and brave and confident, but conflicted and sensitive, who says the right things at the right time, who will love us passionately and who we can trust without fear of being hurt or abandoned.
ain't gonna happen.
men like this don't exist. the guy you fall for might not have edward cullen's style. he might not pursue you relentlessly like mr. darcy. he might not say the most romantic things you've ever heard. he might do things that drive you crazy. it's ridiculous for us to hold all men to the standards of hollywood men - characters who ARE perfect - because somebody else is writing their stuff and telling them how to dress and what to do. they are perfect because they're not real.
this is so frustrating for me. i can't help but want to marry mr. darcy or edward cullen or noah (from the notebook). but they're not real. that's not reality. and all it does is lead to a disappointing fantasy. i'm praying about this a lot lately. i obviously have standards. that's a good thing, i think. but standards are not deamnds that we make - not expectations. any guy i'm going to be with has to love jesus more than he will love me. that is the most important standard. he has to be kind to everyone, honest, financially stable, and family-oriented. those are important things. expectations, however, are things like him being 6'5", playing football, driving an SUV, wears great clothes, says the most romantic things in a completely non-cheesy way. i'm so praying that the lord would really change my heart. i don't want to miss something wonderful because i'm so caught up in a fantasy of what love and a relationship and a husband is supposed to be. i want to be with someone that the Word tells me is a great man. he loves the lord and his word; he is firm in his fatih; he is confident of who he is in christ; he is faithful to his wife; he loves and guides his children; he protects and provides for his family; he loves others and shows everyone kindness; he doesn't have a raging temper or filthy mouth. those are the things that are important. those are the standards that are good to have.
i'm really crying out to jesus to change my heart - to desire what he desires - even in a husband; to help me flee from the fantasy that hollywood has created; to cling to what i know is good and right; and to trust him to provide the right person, the right way, at the right time.
are you getting sick of all this talk about love yet? sorry. i'm just getting started! : )
i would like to blame hollywood for completely misrepresenting love. this is really the thing that's gotten me thinking so much lately. women want a STORY. we want to go on a blind date and marry the guy 3 months later. we want to meet in the grocery store. we want to call a wrong number and fall for the person on the other end. we want to reach for the same movie at blockbuster and end up watching it together. we want to fall madly in love with a vampire and have a dangerous and passionate relationship with him. we see stuff like this all the time in the movies. think about romeo and juliet. titanic. never been kissed. pride and prejudice. you've got mail. all of these movies tell the tale of true love that comes about with a very romantic, but a very unexpected twist. think about the men in the great love stories. mr. darcy. edward cullen. jack dawson. romeo. women create standards for the kind of man they will love based on these "men." the sad truth is, however, that these men are not real men. they are created out of the ideal that we hold in out hearts. the perfect man that is strong and brave and confident, but conflicted and sensitive, who says the right things at the right time, who will love us passionately and who we can trust without fear of being hurt or abandoned.
ain't gonna happen.
men like this don't exist. the guy you fall for might not have edward cullen's style. he might not pursue you relentlessly like mr. darcy. he might not say the most romantic things you've ever heard. he might do things that drive you crazy. it's ridiculous for us to hold all men to the standards of hollywood men - characters who ARE perfect - because somebody else is writing their stuff and telling them how to dress and what to do. they are perfect because they're not real.
this is so frustrating for me. i can't help but want to marry mr. darcy or edward cullen or noah (from the notebook). but they're not real. that's not reality. and all it does is lead to a disappointing fantasy. i'm praying about this a lot lately. i obviously have standards. that's a good thing, i think. but standards are not deamnds that we make - not expectations. any guy i'm going to be with has to love jesus more than he will love me. that is the most important standard. he has to be kind to everyone, honest, financially stable, and family-oriented. those are important things. expectations, however, are things like him being 6'5", playing football, driving an SUV, wears great clothes, says the most romantic things in a completely non-cheesy way. i'm so praying that the lord would really change my heart. i don't want to miss something wonderful because i'm so caught up in a fantasy of what love and a relationship and a husband is supposed to be. i want to be with someone that the Word tells me is a great man. he loves the lord and his word; he is firm in his fatih; he is confident of who he is in christ; he is faithful to his wife; he loves and guides his children; he protects and provides for his family; he loves others and shows everyone kindness; he doesn't have a raging temper or filthy mouth. those are the things that are important. those are the standards that are good to have.
i'm really crying out to jesus to change my heart - to desire what he desires - even in a husband; to help me flee from the fantasy that hollywood has created; to cling to what i know is good and right; and to trust him to provide the right person, the right way, at the right time.
are you getting sick of all this talk about love yet? sorry. i'm just getting started! : )
Friday, January 16, 2009
dream a little dream for me
your dreams just may fit into the dream God has for your life.
my bible study leader shared this thought with our group on wednesday night. i'm doing a bible study called "what to do with your wait." could the lord have timed that one more perfectly in my life? i think not. there are five women in the group, all about my age. the past two wednesdays have been completely refreshing and encouraging - and oh, how a single girl's heart can need encouraging! this is probably going to be a lengthy post, so here's your chance to get out before you start reading!
first: what am i waiting for?
a few things, actually. right now i feel like i'm in complete transition. i'm waiting to find a new group of friends (don't get me wrong, i have a LOT of friends, and two of my very best friends live in greenville, but i'm still looking for a group that i always know i can count on for something to do). i'm waiting to find the thing i want to do with my life. and i'm waiting to meet the right guy (this last one, obviously, i have no control over). so that's what i'm waiting for. now let me try to articulate what jesus has been teaching me about all this.
second: why the heck am i waiting?
i'm waiting on things i want. but just because i'm waiting on them doesn't mean i'm waiting with purpose. just because i'm waiting on them doesn't mean they're ever gonna happen. this mostly just applies to that last one: meeting the right guy. eventually i know i'm going to have a new group of friends, and i'll somehow stumble into the thing i want to spend my life doing, but meeting the right guy. ha. i'd rather try to nail jell-o to a tree. there's nothing i can do! i'm certainly not the type of girl who's going to do whatever i have to to meet someone. that's just not me. and i'm DEFINITELY not the type of girl who's going to date any random guy who pays me some attention. not gonna happen. i want to get married. in fact, the most consistent dream i've had for my entire life is to be a loving, supportive, godly wife and mother. but just because it's MY dream doesn't mean it's gonna happen. i do believe that god gives us desires and dreams for a reason. but i also know that in psalm 37:4 david says to "delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." i wish i could be blissfully ignorant of the fact that this verse doesn't mean "love jesus and get whatever you want." nope. of course it means something much more difficult for my human brain and heart to attempt. it means delight yourself in what HE delights in. oh man. sometimes - most of the time - those things are so different. i do know this: truth - and experience - tell me that god is good and faithful. he doesn't need to change, and neither does his plan. i need to change; my heart needs to be changed. i need to surrender my dreams to his and trust that he will do what is best for me - not what i want.
"faith is not believing that god will do what you want; it's believing that he will do what is right."
- max lucado
and while i type all of this and seem to have my thoughts together, the truth is that i wrestle with this idea of allowing god to change my heart's desires. i know what i want, and somewhere in my depraved heart i tell myself that i know what's best. the other day i was having this struggle and i read psalm 8. i was reading verse 3 and only got half way through it: "when i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers -". bam. does god ever mess up? heck no. if you're ever wondering about that, walk outside on a cold, clear night and glance up at the sky. i bet you won't look away. and i bet you won't think to yourself, "god really should have put the big dipper further in the other direction." when i stop and consider my life and my past, even when i thought my life was a complete, hopeless mess, god created some serious beauty. he doesn't mess up. he always gets my life right. so even though i'm struggling to just trust him on this one, and even though the very thought of never meeting the right person puts a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, i know he's not going to mess it up.
i'm not sure how i got all the way where this has ended up. but, the point of that first question is this: why spend time waiting on something that might not happen? why not enjoy the things i have already been given: a great family, the funniest, prettiest, most honest friends i could ever ask for, a wonderful church, a good job, a healthy body, and a million other little blessings i forget about every day. why not dig my roots in here, where i am right now, instead of living for something that may or may not come to pass?
let me assure you, this does not mean i'm going to stop bugging god about the right guy. absolutely not. i'm going to ask and pray and hope until i take my very last breath.
i've said all this to say: i don't know how my dreams fit in to god's dream for my life. frankly, i haven't got the slightest idea. i know i dream of having a family, i dream of doing something i'm passionate about, and i dream of doing something completely off the wall and crazy and unbelievable with my testimony - like write a book or something (i think maybe that will be my next post - stay tuned). i don't know what he can do with all that. maybe he's going to burn all those dreams away and replace them with things that are completely different. i don't know. i do know that i'm going to pursue the heck out of him so that i can know his heart and his dream for my life as much as i can (and just in case i do get married i'd like to be godly wife!).
knit my heart to you
and i'll dream what you dream
i'll see what you see
knit my heart to you
i'll move in you
and you move in me
- charlie hall
that's what i'm praying. what a scary prayer to pray.
my bible study leader shared this thought with our group on wednesday night. i'm doing a bible study called "what to do with your wait." could the lord have timed that one more perfectly in my life? i think not. there are five women in the group, all about my age. the past two wednesdays have been completely refreshing and encouraging - and oh, how a single girl's heart can need encouraging! this is probably going to be a lengthy post, so here's your chance to get out before you start reading!
first: what am i waiting for?
a few things, actually. right now i feel like i'm in complete transition. i'm waiting to find a new group of friends (don't get me wrong, i have a LOT of friends, and two of my very best friends live in greenville, but i'm still looking for a group that i always know i can count on for something to do). i'm waiting to find the thing i want to do with my life. and i'm waiting to meet the right guy (this last one, obviously, i have no control over). so that's what i'm waiting for. now let me try to articulate what jesus has been teaching me about all this.
second: why the heck am i waiting?
i'm waiting on things i want. but just because i'm waiting on them doesn't mean i'm waiting with purpose. just because i'm waiting on them doesn't mean they're ever gonna happen. this mostly just applies to that last one: meeting the right guy. eventually i know i'm going to have a new group of friends, and i'll somehow stumble into the thing i want to spend my life doing, but meeting the right guy. ha. i'd rather try to nail jell-o to a tree. there's nothing i can do! i'm certainly not the type of girl who's going to do whatever i have to to meet someone. that's just not me. and i'm DEFINITELY not the type of girl who's going to date any random guy who pays me some attention. not gonna happen. i want to get married. in fact, the most consistent dream i've had for my entire life is to be a loving, supportive, godly wife and mother. but just because it's MY dream doesn't mean it's gonna happen. i do believe that god gives us desires and dreams for a reason. but i also know that in psalm 37:4 david says to "delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." i wish i could be blissfully ignorant of the fact that this verse doesn't mean "love jesus and get whatever you want." nope. of course it means something much more difficult for my human brain and heart to attempt. it means delight yourself in what HE delights in. oh man. sometimes - most of the time - those things are so different. i do know this: truth - and experience - tell me that god is good and faithful. he doesn't need to change, and neither does his plan. i need to change; my heart needs to be changed. i need to surrender my dreams to his and trust that he will do what is best for me - not what i want.
"faith is not believing that god will do what you want; it's believing that he will do what is right."
- max lucado
and while i type all of this and seem to have my thoughts together, the truth is that i wrestle with this idea of allowing god to change my heart's desires. i know what i want, and somewhere in my depraved heart i tell myself that i know what's best. the other day i was having this struggle and i read psalm 8. i was reading verse 3 and only got half way through it: "when i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers -". bam. does god ever mess up? heck no. if you're ever wondering about that, walk outside on a cold, clear night and glance up at the sky. i bet you won't look away. and i bet you won't think to yourself, "god really should have put the big dipper further in the other direction." when i stop and consider my life and my past, even when i thought my life was a complete, hopeless mess, god created some serious beauty. he doesn't mess up. he always gets my life right. so even though i'm struggling to just trust him on this one, and even though the very thought of never meeting the right person puts a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, i know he's not going to mess it up.
i'm not sure how i got all the way where this has ended up. but, the point of that first question is this: why spend time waiting on something that might not happen? why not enjoy the things i have already been given: a great family, the funniest, prettiest, most honest friends i could ever ask for, a wonderful church, a good job, a healthy body, and a million other little blessings i forget about every day. why not dig my roots in here, where i am right now, instead of living for something that may or may not come to pass?
let me assure you, this does not mean i'm going to stop bugging god about the right guy. absolutely not. i'm going to ask and pray and hope until i take my very last breath.
i've said all this to say: i don't know how my dreams fit in to god's dream for my life. frankly, i haven't got the slightest idea. i know i dream of having a family, i dream of doing something i'm passionate about, and i dream of doing something completely off the wall and crazy and unbelievable with my testimony - like write a book or something (i think maybe that will be my next post - stay tuned). i don't know what he can do with all that. maybe he's going to burn all those dreams away and replace them with things that are completely different. i don't know. i do know that i'm going to pursue the heck out of him so that i can know his heart and his dream for my life as much as i can (and just in case i do get married i'd like to be godly wife!).
knit my heart to you
and i'll dream what you dream
i'll see what you see
knit my heart to you
i'll move in you
and you move in me
- charlie hall
that's what i'm praying. what a scary prayer to pray.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
i always wanted to be immortal...
life's not fair. how many times has somebody told you that? i hear it everytime i call my mom to complain about something that i can't control. there is beauty and truth in that statment:
thank God life is not fair.
if life were fair, we'd all one day get what we deserve: death.
i've been reading the "twilight" series, and i have to admit, i'm obsessed with the books. the stories are the kind that you get so involved in - so wrapped up in - that you feel like you are bella swan and everything happening in her life is happening to you. the love story. well. i have no words to adequately describe just how romantic and beautiful and passionate and resilient bella and edward's love is. that kind of thing just does not exist in real life. but as in every great love story, there is a foe to their great love. edward is a vampire. he's immortal, and he doesn't age. and bella is a very fragile and very mortal human. it tears at my heart just a little even now, even though i know the ending of the story, to think of them ever being separated. i got to thinking about their great love, and how it was certain to be ruined once bella died. edward wouldn't live without her, so he would kill himself (it's very difficult for a vampire to be killed, but it's possible). yet another love story would end in tragedy, because the truth is people don't live forever. i started thinking about this, and trying to put myself in their shoes. if one day, i meet the guy i'm supposed to be with, the guy i find insane, passionate, romantic, heart-fluttering, stomach-butterflying, head-spinning, straight from Jesus love with, i wouldn't be able to bear the thought of losing him. oh, how the Father works in our lives, even through silly romantic novels written for 13 year old girls wearing "team edward" t-shirts and screaming his name when they see him on tv.
Jesus has that same great love for me (even though i don't have it for him all the time). he truly could not bear the thought of existing without me. he loves me that much. i can't even register that in my head. i don't know what it feels like to love like that. i know that i love Jesus, and i can't bear the thought of existing without him, but sometimes i think that's because i fear what my life would like without his hand at work in it - not simply because i love who he is. Jesus just loves me. all the things about myself i don't like, all of my sinful habits, all of my weird little quirks, every freckle, my bug eyes, my cowlick - he just loves me. oh my gosh it just makes me want to cry! and because of the huge and holy and perfect and beautiful love that he has for me, he has made me immortal. he took the sting of death himself. he became my sin himself. he bore the weight of my rebellion himself - all to make me immortal. so that he never has to be without me, and i never have to be without him. my heart is about to leap out of my chest with joy right now! i am immortal! what an amazing truth! that truly takes the fear out of this life: my body may die, but i will not die! i am going to live forever! isn't that what people are after? aren't women seeking ways to prolong their youth and keep their bodies healthy for longevity? aren't men eating less potato chips and more salads so they can live longer? don't we take vitamins and cod liver oil and drink apple cider vinegar and put mud on our faces and other disgusting things to prolong this life? what RELIEF to know that my immortality is won!
"death has been swallowed up in victory. where, o death, is your victory? where, o death, is your sting?"
-1 corinthians 15:54-55
i'm going to live forever! and what's even more beautiful is that if i do meet the man i'm supposed to be with, i'll never have to fear being separated from him - ever. we will be together for eternity. and i have goosebumps. eternity. forever.
wow.
"this grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel."
-2 timothy 1:9-10
i have to let this truth settle into my heart again everytime i think about, because i can't really wrap my head around it. Jesus made the superhero, leading man move. he rescued his bride. and now there is life tobe lived and celebrated and relished! that puts me on my face before the One who made the move - who saved the day - who rescued His love.
beat that love story, nora roberts.
thank God life is not fair.
if life were fair, we'd all one day get what we deserve: death.
i've been reading the "twilight" series, and i have to admit, i'm obsessed with the books. the stories are the kind that you get so involved in - so wrapped up in - that you feel like you are bella swan and everything happening in her life is happening to you. the love story. well. i have no words to adequately describe just how romantic and beautiful and passionate and resilient bella and edward's love is. that kind of thing just does not exist in real life. but as in every great love story, there is a foe to their great love. edward is a vampire. he's immortal, and he doesn't age. and bella is a very fragile and very mortal human. it tears at my heart just a little even now, even though i know the ending of the story, to think of them ever being separated. i got to thinking about their great love, and how it was certain to be ruined once bella died. edward wouldn't live without her, so he would kill himself (it's very difficult for a vampire to be killed, but it's possible). yet another love story would end in tragedy, because the truth is people don't live forever. i started thinking about this, and trying to put myself in their shoes. if one day, i meet the guy i'm supposed to be with, the guy i find insane, passionate, romantic, heart-fluttering, stomach-butterflying, head-spinning, straight from Jesus love with, i wouldn't be able to bear the thought of losing him. oh, how the Father works in our lives, even through silly romantic novels written for 13 year old girls wearing "team edward" t-shirts and screaming his name when they see him on tv.
Jesus has that same great love for me (even though i don't have it for him all the time). he truly could not bear the thought of existing without me. he loves me that much. i can't even register that in my head. i don't know what it feels like to love like that. i know that i love Jesus, and i can't bear the thought of existing without him, but sometimes i think that's because i fear what my life would like without his hand at work in it - not simply because i love who he is. Jesus just loves me. all the things about myself i don't like, all of my sinful habits, all of my weird little quirks, every freckle, my bug eyes, my cowlick - he just loves me. oh my gosh it just makes me want to cry! and because of the huge and holy and perfect and beautiful love that he has for me, he has made me immortal. he took the sting of death himself. he became my sin himself. he bore the weight of my rebellion himself - all to make me immortal. so that he never has to be without me, and i never have to be without him. my heart is about to leap out of my chest with joy right now! i am immortal! what an amazing truth! that truly takes the fear out of this life: my body may die, but i will not die! i am going to live forever! isn't that what people are after? aren't women seeking ways to prolong their youth and keep their bodies healthy for longevity? aren't men eating less potato chips and more salads so they can live longer? don't we take vitamins and cod liver oil and drink apple cider vinegar and put mud on our faces and other disgusting things to prolong this life? what RELIEF to know that my immortality is won!
"death has been swallowed up in victory. where, o death, is your victory? where, o death, is your sting?"
-1 corinthians 15:54-55
i'm going to live forever! and what's even more beautiful is that if i do meet the man i'm supposed to be with, i'll never have to fear being separated from him - ever. we will be together for eternity. and i have goosebumps. eternity. forever.
wow.
"this grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel."
-2 timothy 1:9-10
i have to let this truth settle into my heart again everytime i think about, because i can't really wrap my head around it. Jesus made the superhero, leading man move. he rescued his bride. and now there is life tobe lived and celebrated and relished! that puts me on my face before the One who made the move - who saved the day - who rescued His love.
beat that love story, nora roberts.
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