your dreams just may fit into the dream God has for your life.
my bible study leader shared this thought with our group on wednesday night. i'm doing a bible study called "what to do with your wait." could the lord have timed that one more perfectly in my life? i think not. there are five women in the group, all about my age. the past two wednesdays have been completely refreshing and encouraging - and oh, how a single girl's heart can need encouraging! this is probably going to be a lengthy post, so here's your chance to get out before you start reading!
first: what am i waiting for?
a few things, actually. right now i feel like i'm in complete transition. i'm waiting to find a new group of friends (don't get me wrong, i have a LOT of friends, and two of my very best friends live in greenville, but i'm still looking for a group that i always know i can count on for something to do). i'm waiting to find the thing i want to do with my life. and i'm waiting to meet the right guy (this last one, obviously, i have no control over). so that's what i'm waiting for. now let me try to articulate what jesus has been teaching me about all this.
second: why the heck am i waiting?
i'm waiting on things i want. but just because i'm waiting on them doesn't mean i'm waiting with purpose. just because i'm waiting on them doesn't mean they're ever gonna happen. this mostly just applies to that last one: meeting the right guy. eventually i know i'm going to have a new group of friends, and i'll somehow stumble into the thing i want to spend my life doing, but meeting the right guy. ha. i'd rather try to nail jell-o to a tree. there's nothing i can do! i'm certainly not the type of girl who's going to do whatever i have to to meet someone. that's just not me. and i'm DEFINITELY not the type of girl who's going to date any random guy who pays me some attention. not gonna happen. i want to get married. in fact, the most consistent dream i've had for my entire life is to be a loving, supportive, godly wife and mother. but just because it's MY dream doesn't mean it's gonna happen. i do believe that god gives us desires and dreams for a reason. but i also know that in psalm 37:4 david says to "delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." i wish i could be blissfully ignorant of the fact that this verse doesn't mean "love jesus and get whatever you want." nope. of course it means something much more difficult for my human brain and heart to attempt. it means delight yourself in what HE delights in. oh man. sometimes - most of the time - those things are so different. i do know this: truth - and experience - tell me that god is good and faithful. he doesn't need to change, and neither does his plan. i need to change; my heart needs to be changed. i need to surrender my dreams to his and trust that he will do what is best for me - not what i want.
"faith is not believing that god will do what you want; it's believing that he will do what is right."
- max lucado
and while i type all of this and seem to have my thoughts together, the truth is that i wrestle with this idea of allowing god to change my heart's desires. i know what i want, and somewhere in my depraved heart i tell myself that i know what's best. the other day i was having this struggle and i read psalm 8. i was reading verse 3 and only got half way through it: "when i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers -". bam. does god ever mess up? heck no. if you're ever wondering about that, walk outside on a cold, clear night and glance up at the sky. i bet you won't look away. and i bet you won't think to yourself, "god really should have put the big dipper further in the other direction." when i stop and consider my life and my past, even when i thought my life was a complete, hopeless mess, god created some serious beauty. he doesn't mess up. he always gets my life right. so even though i'm struggling to just trust him on this one, and even though the very thought of never meeting the right person puts a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, i know he's not going to mess it up.
i'm not sure how i got all the way where this has ended up. but, the point of that first question is this: why spend time waiting on something that might not happen? why not enjoy the things i have already been given: a great family, the funniest, prettiest, most honest friends i could ever ask for, a wonderful church, a good job, a healthy body, and a million other little blessings i forget about every day. why not dig my roots in here, where i am right now, instead of living for something that may or may not come to pass?
let me assure you, this does not mean i'm going to stop bugging god about the right guy. absolutely not. i'm going to ask and pray and hope until i take my very last breath.
i've said all this to say: i don't know how my dreams fit in to god's dream for my life. frankly, i haven't got the slightest idea. i know i dream of having a family, i dream of doing something i'm passionate about, and i dream of doing something completely off the wall and crazy and unbelievable with my testimony - like write a book or something (i think maybe that will be my next post - stay tuned). i don't know what he can do with all that. maybe he's going to burn all those dreams away and replace them with things that are completely different. i don't know. i do know that i'm going to pursue the heck out of him so that i can know his heart and his dream for my life as much as i can (and just in case i do get married i'd like to be godly wife!).
knit my heart to you
and i'll dream what you dream
i'll see what you see
knit my heart to you
i'll move in you
and you move in me
- charlie hall
that's what i'm praying. what a scary prayer to pray.
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