have you ever had one of those days where you genuinely feel like you have just been with Jesus all day? you've just basked in his presence? i know that i am always in his presence, because i am filled with his Holy Spirit, but today it seemed that i was able to really soak him up and enjoy him. here's why...
this quote has been weighing on my heart today (and y'all know how i love a good quote):
"in a world so full of suffering, why should i be so blessed?" (brett dennen)
i woke up this morning (i could stop right there - i woke up.) in a huge, cozy bed with my favorite t-shirt material sheets with a new comforter and pillows purchased by my sweet momma. i hopped out of my bed, greeted by sunshine and kisses from two, funny dogs that adore me (and that i love to pieces). i walked into the kitchen of the home that i own, and opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water and yogurt for breakfast (and i had the option of many other things to eat). i turned on my ipod, walked into my den, opened the blinds to find the most perfect day waiting for me. i sat down to check my email on a new laptop. i found an encouraging email from my mom waiting for me. i checked my bank account to find that i have plenty of money to last until my next pay day. i took a shower with hot water and lots of girly, smelly products. i had the choice of many different clothes to put on. i got in my car and drove to church, where i worshipped without fear of being arrested, persecuted, or killed. i went out to lunch with three sweet friends. i stopped on my way home and put seventy dollars worth of gas into my car (which was given to me as a birthday gift for my 20th birthday). i came home, opened the windows, felt a cool breeze, and fell asleep on my couch. i went to the grocery store and spent one hundred dollars on food. i got to talk to my accountability partner in sweden. i turned my ipod back on, opened my bible, sat down with a bowl of spaghetti (my favorite dinner), and sat in disbelief at how blessed i am. i mean really, who lives like this?
why me? why did Jesus choose me - call me out? why does he want ME? i'm nothing. i am so accutely aware of how nothing i am. and even worse than being nothing, i am a sinner. it absolutely blows my mind that i am given days like today. and when i think about it, why isn't every day i am given like this? why do i choose so often to focus on the things that don't go my way? why do i expect any more than what i've already been given - because i have already been given too much. i deserve hell, and yet i'm given heaven freely. and i know this earthly life isn't perfect, but days like today are so, so close.
i read this in ecclesiastes 3 today:
"i know nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives; and, also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor - it's the gift of God."
Jesus wants me to enjoy the things he's given me. he's given me so much so that i might DO something with it.
i also read this in 1 peter 2 today:
"but you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, his own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy."
those words are underlined in my bible to the point that i can hardly read them. they move my heart to tears. friends, when will we stop living our lives wrecklessly - unaware of the love the Father has for us - ignorant of the responsibility that comes with being his chosen generation - wasting his blessings? at the risk of offending some of my baptist friends (particularly my mother - love ya, mom): he didn't choose everybody. there are people who will go to hell. i know that's not exactly politically correct in the year 2011, but the Word of God is outside of time, and it is true forever. nothing in myself initiated a relationship with God. in fact, everything in me hated God. it was God (and is God), who initiated with me. he moved my heart to repentance and salvation. he gives me the desire to know him and the ability to love him. he gives me a new, clean heart, and he makes me holy as he is holy. it's God. and because God is God, and he is wrathful, and he is just, there will be people who go to hell. we don't like to think about this, but the point is: grace is so overwhelming, because it isn't given to all. he. chose. ME. if you know him, he. chose. YOU. he chose me to know him and serve him and spend eternity with him. that truth in and of itself should completely knock us to our knees - to our faces, actually.
i guess the old question, "why me?" is two-fold. why me? why am i so blessed? it's only by the amazing grace and love of the God of the universe. i just got chills. now the question for those of us who are in Christ is this: how will we respond? because it's not about the blessings, it's about the One who blesses.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
thursday - part 2
for whatever reason, today the Lord really pressed habakkuk on my heart. i know what you're thinking. i was thinking the same thing before i sat down to study it. "who on earth is habakkuk, and where is that in my bible?" (in case you're wondering, nobody really knows who habakkuk is, and the book can be found between nahum and zephaniah.) i had one verse underlined in the book - which, let me tell you, may seem tiny (only three chapters) but is filled with huge truths. i had no idea what to expect out of the passages i was staring at. i get a little nervous before i embark on a study i haven't attempted before. i always wonder if i'll be able to understand the text, glean from it, and apply it. i was really deliberate to talk to Jesus about this tonight before i got started. i need to be more faithful to do that each time i sit down with my Bible. alas, i am human. anyway. i prayed that he would speak to me through his word and absolutely tear my heart apart. i asked for encouragement and conviction. i also asked him to tie it so closely to my life now that how to apply it would be obvious. "ask and you shall receive."
here's a basic rundown of the book:
who - habakkuk (kind of a no-name prophet), judah, and the chaldeans
when - around 600 bc
where - judah (this is where jerusalem was located)
what - basically, the chaldeans had come through and crushed judah (God's people). habakkuk is surrounded by confusion, devestation, and chaos, and he asks God "why?" why is evil prevailing? why is the law corrupt? why is God allowing his people to suffer tyranny? godlessness is reigning. God replies in verse 5:
"look among the nations and watch - be utterly astounded! for i will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you."
God goes on to confirm that the chaldeans are indeed a terrible people, but he never gives a reason. he never explains why. he doesn't say, "well, habakkuk. the reason i'm allowing this is because...and it will be over on this day...and the fruits my people will develop during this season are..." doesn't happen.
*here's some info on the chaldeans: they were conquerers. it's what they did. they conquered babylon, but babylonian culture maintained. the people were marked by lawlessness and confusion linked to godlessness. they were a people driven by wealth, fame, pleasure, and power. under king nebuchadnezzar, the babylonians destroyed jerusalem (capital of judah), and the jews were taken into captivity for seventy years (as prophesied by jeremiah). ezekiel and daniel were captives in babylon during this time. babylonian religion was based on a system of gods, and every city had a temple for a particular god. they were driven by mythology and legends. their law was totally corrupt and centered on hammurabi's code of law (a system of trespasses and punishments).
application - how often do i see the news or something online and think, "God, why would you let that happen?" let's bring it a little closer to home. how often have i found myself in a situation that was unfair - where wrong prevailed, and i had to suck it up and deal with it? lately, quite often. how often do we see or experience suffering and ask "why?" and how often does God give us a thesis on his explanation? um, i'm gonna go with never. but what he does do is make us a promise: "look and watch - be utterly astounded, ashley! i will work a work in your days, and you wouldn't believe me even if i told you about it!" it's a promise, friends! he WILL work. and it WILL be utterly astounding. it makes me think of times in scripture when God did lay out his plan a little more clearly to his people. think about abraham. God promised to make him the father of many nations, and abraham kind of laughed at him. i think the same would be true of myself if God told me up front what he had in store for me. i wouldn't believe him; therefore, i wouldn't trust him. because i have no flippin idea the incredible things he has planned for my life, i am forced to trust him. it's hard in the moment, because i like to know what's going on. i don't do well with unknown. but it's another way God shows me kindness; he knows i need to be forced to trust him, because if i'm not, i simply won't. i'll trust in me, in my plan, in possessions, and in people. he can't give me the details of his ellaborate, master plan. i don't have to walk by faith if he does that. if you jump over to habakkuk 2:4 it says, "the just shall live by faith." that's kind of two-fold: an expectation and a promise. we can expect not to have answers and explanations. but we can trust the promise that he is at work, and he is faithful to complete that work (philippians 1:6).
so here's the challenge, sweet friends: look around you. watch, and be utterly astounded. seek Christ in the little things (like a dove dark chocolate wrapper!). expect his faithfulness. trust him when he promises that he is working. be an active participant in the work he is doing in your life. celebrate it!
here's a basic rundown of the book:
who - habakkuk (kind of a no-name prophet), judah, and the chaldeans
when - around 600 bc
where - judah (this is where jerusalem was located)
what - basically, the chaldeans had come through and crushed judah (God's people). habakkuk is surrounded by confusion, devestation, and chaos, and he asks God "why?" why is evil prevailing? why is the law corrupt? why is God allowing his people to suffer tyranny? godlessness is reigning. God replies in verse 5:
"look among the nations and watch - be utterly astounded! for i will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you."
God goes on to confirm that the chaldeans are indeed a terrible people, but he never gives a reason. he never explains why. he doesn't say, "well, habakkuk. the reason i'm allowing this is because...and it will be over on this day...and the fruits my people will develop during this season are..." doesn't happen.
*here's some info on the chaldeans: they were conquerers. it's what they did. they conquered babylon, but babylonian culture maintained. the people were marked by lawlessness and confusion linked to godlessness. they were a people driven by wealth, fame, pleasure, and power. under king nebuchadnezzar, the babylonians destroyed jerusalem (capital of judah), and the jews were taken into captivity for seventy years (as prophesied by jeremiah). ezekiel and daniel were captives in babylon during this time. babylonian religion was based on a system of gods, and every city had a temple for a particular god. they were driven by mythology and legends. their law was totally corrupt and centered on hammurabi's code of law (a system of trespasses and punishments).
application - how often do i see the news or something online and think, "God, why would you let that happen?" let's bring it a little closer to home. how often have i found myself in a situation that was unfair - where wrong prevailed, and i had to suck it up and deal with it? lately, quite often. how often do we see or experience suffering and ask "why?" and how often does God give us a thesis on his explanation? um, i'm gonna go with never. but what he does do is make us a promise: "look and watch - be utterly astounded, ashley! i will work a work in your days, and you wouldn't believe me even if i told you about it!" it's a promise, friends! he WILL work. and it WILL be utterly astounding. it makes me think of times in scripture when God did lay out his plan a little more clearly to his people. think about abraham. God promised to make him the father of many nations, and abraham kind of laughed at him. i think the same would be true of myself if God told me up front what he had in store for me. i wouldn't believe him; therefore, i wouldn't trust him. because i have no flippin idea the incredible things he has planned for my life, i am forced to trust him. it's hard in the moment, because i like to know what's going on. i don't do well with unknown. but it's another way God shows me kindness; he knows i need to be forced to trust him, because if i'm not, i simply won't. i'll trust in me, in my plan, in possessions, and in people. he can't give me the details of his ellaborate, master plan. i don't have to walk by faith if he does that. if you jump over to habakkuk 2:4 it says, "the just shall live by faith." that's kind of two-fold: an expectation and a promise. we can expect not to have answers and explanations. but we can trust the promise that he is at work, and he is faithful to complete that work (philippians 1:6).
so here's the challenge, sweet friends: look around you. watch, and be utterly astounded. seek Christ in the little things (like a dove dark chocolate wrapper!). expect his faithfulness. trust him when he promises that he is working. be an active participant in the work he is doing in your life. celebrate it!
dove dark chocolates...
are so delicious. and inspiring. as if the chocolates were not reason enough to throw the lovely, red bag into my shopping cart at publix, the messages printed on the inside of the candy wrappers are well-worth the four bucks they cost. more on this subject to come.
here's something i learned about myself today: i like easy street.
there are so many things i want to share, but i feel like i need to protect the situation - so i'm gonna have to spare you for once. what i can tell you is that today the Lord totally flipped a switch in my heart. it was like all of a sudden i saw exactly why i was feeling so dissatisfied and restless: things haven't been coming easily. i've faced a lot of opposition - a lot of criticism - a lot of lonely stands recently. i've looked for an escape in every possible direction, and God will not open a door; in fact, he keeps slamming them in my face. i've been so frustrated with Him - screaming out to him, demanding to know why he's telling me no and to stay put. why is he doing this? because i'm right where i'm supposed to be.
tie in dove chocolates: for the past two weeks every time i eat a chocolate (which i'll go on and confess has been frequently) i've gotten the same wrapper: "you are exactly where you're supposed to be." i don't believe in signs, but i also don't believe in coincidences. i think God often works in the little, seemingly insignificant ways to reveal himself to us. i didn't get the message until today.
i used to think that if i was in God's will - that if i was doing what i was supposed to be doing - that if i was walking closely with him - things would just be easy. this is just one of the many contorted theologies i've adopted over the years. what's most shocking is that i could look at Christ's life - the actual Son of God - God himself - and see that he was obedient to the point of death, and that the road was anything but easy - and then think that my life should somehow be different. Jesus was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing; yet his own brothers and sisters thought he was crazy. his hometown shunned him. he faced constant opposition from the pharisees. his life was regularly in jeopardy, until eventually it was ended.
here's something else that's true about me: i have been wanting adventure. i've been craving it, because i long for challenge and struggle and hard work. what i didn't realize is that i've got it. the place i'm in right now is a challenge - it's a struggle - and it's definitely hard work. i'm out of my comfort zone. i'm exhausted. i'm being used up. i'm learning lessons in love and patience and selflessness. i'm being stretched beyond what i think i'm capable of. and yet i still want to think i'm in the wrong place.
in acts 5, the apostles rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ. that's like a stab in the heart. instead of rejoicing that my God is risen and alive, is working in my life for my sanctification, and using me for his glory, i choose to seek an alternative route, because this one is too hard. i'd like to thank america for teaching me that instant gratifiction through cheating, lying, stealing, and handouts is the goal.
i don't get many things right, and i don't understand even more. but today i know that God revealed his heart to me - he wants me right where i am. he wants to teach me and stretch me and grow me in ways that would not be possible if i were anywhere but here. and he wants to love through me - pursue his children through me - work through me. that is an honor and unbelievable responsibility. instead of whining about how hard things are, i oughta be thanking God for his amazing saving grace, his finished work on the cross, and his desire to change me and use me.
i don't know what the end result of this current season is supposed to be. i don't know that i'll ever know or see it. but i was reminded of this verse today:
"for still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. if it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come. it will not delay." (habukkuk 2:3)
there is a vision for my life. my prayer is that everyday i'll surrender my own to God's - that i would seek his with everything in me - and that i would persevere and press on to follow it and live it and rejoice in it. the promise of Christ himself is enough to keep me moving even when i don't feel like it.
i'm ending today on a great note: excited and full of joy and peace, trusting that God knows better than i, and that my sanctification and his glory are far more important than my momentary comfort in this life - feeling refreshed my his pressence and his word and his promises!
here's something i learned about myself today: i like easy street.
there are so many things i want to share, but i feel like i need to protect the situation - so i'm gonna have to spare you for once. what i can tell you is that today the Lord totally flipped a switch in my heart. it was like all of a sudden i saw exactly why i was feeling so dissatisfied and restless: things haven't been coming easily. i've faced a lot of opposition - a lot of criticism - a lot of lonely stands recently. i've looked for an escape in every possible direction, and God will not open a door; in fact, he keeps slamming them in my face. i've been so frustrated with Him - screaming out to him, demanding to know why he's telling me no and to stay put. why is he doing this? because i'm right where i'm supposed to be.
tie in dove chocolates: for the past two weeks every time i eat a chocolate (which i'll go on and confess has been frequently) i've gotten the same wrapper: "you are exactly where you're supposed to be." i don't believe in signs, but i also don't believe in coincidences. i think God often works in the little, seemingly insignificant ways to reveal himself to us. i didn't get the message until today.
i used to think that if i was in God's will - that if i was doing what i was supposed to be doing - that if i was walking closely with him - things would just be easy. this is just one of the many contorted theologies i've adopted over the years. what's most shocking is that i could look at Christ's life - the actual Son of God - God himself - and see that he was obedient to the point of death, and that the road was anything but easy - and then think that my life should somehow be different. Jesus was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing; yet his own brothers and sisters thought he was crazy. his hometown shunned him. he faced constant opposition from the pharisees. his life was regularly in jeopardy, until eventually it was ended.
here's something else that's true about me: i have been wanting adventure. i've been craving it, because i long for challenge and struggle and hard work. what i didn't realize is that i've got it. the place i'm in right now is a challenge - it's a struggle - and it's definitely hard work. i'm out of my comfort zone. i'm exhausted. i'm being used up. i'm learning lessons in love and patience and selflessness. i'm being stretched beyond what i think i'm capable of. and yet i still want to think i'm in the wrong place.
in acts 5, the apostles rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ. that's like a stab in the heart. instead of rejoicing that my God is risen and alive, is working in my life for my sanctification, and using me for his glory, i choose to seek an alternative route, because this one is too hard. i'd like to thank america for teaching me that instant gratifiction through cheating, lying, stealing, and handouts is the goal.
i don't get many things right, and i don't understand even more. but today i know that God revealed his heart to me - he wants me right where i am. he wants to teach me and stretch me and grow me in ways that would not be possible if i were anywhere but here. and he wants to love through me - pursue his children through me - work through me. that is an honor and unbelievable responsibility. instead of whining about how hard things are, i oughta be thanking God for his amazing saving grace, his finished work on the cross, and his desire to change me and use me.
i don't know what the end result of this current season is supposed to be. i don't know that i'll ever know or see it. but i was reminded of this verse today:
"for still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. if it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come. it will not delay." (habukkuk 2:3)
there is a vision for my life. my prayer is that everyday i'll surrender my own to God's - that i would seek his with everything in me - and that i would persevere and press on to follow it and live it and rejoice in it. the promise of Christ himself is enough to keep me moving even when i don't feel like it.
i'm ending today on a great note: excited and full of joy and peace, trusting that God knows better than i, and that my sanctification and his glory are far more important than my momentary comfort in this life - feeling refreshed my his pressence and his word and his promises!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
live the life you love - love the life you live
i'm listening to john mayer on pandora right now. "slow dancing" just came on. you know what this does to me.
anyway.
i'm still working on this "loving well" thing. i know i'll be working on it everyday for the rest of my life, but let me tell you: i'm not lying when i call it "work." it's tough. and i really feel like over the past several weeks i've had the limit of my ability to love tested. already this shows me how un-Christlike i am. "the limit of my ability to love." the fact that such a limit exists saddens me, but leads to pray more earnestly for Jesus to fill my heart with his eternal and unconditional love.
i've settled in on philippians 2:2-4 for this evening:
"fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, and of one mind. let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowlinesss of mind let each of you esteem others better than yourself. let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
ugh. no thanks. here are my problems with the instructions above:
1. there's a whole lot of people who i don't really like, much less love.
2. most of the time i am totally resemblant of my preschoolers - egocentric and only able to think of me.
then i jump over and read philippians 2:8:
"...he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death..."
and then i really feel crappy.
when will i ever fully grasp that this life isn't about me? when will i totally embrace God-centered theology, and leave my ashley-centered theology behind? who the heck cares what i want? um, oh yeah, nobody. God loves me, so obviously he cares about things i care about, but let's be real: he's GOD. my petty hang-ups with people, circumstances, uncomfortable situations, personal agendas, and life plans are really no match for his desire to make himself famous. and i should go ahead and also get a handle on the fact that he does not need me. apart from him i'm nothing but dust anyway. what use am i to the Holy of Holies, the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe? and what business do i have telling that same great and infinite God what i will and will not do, who i am and am not okay with loving, and what i am and am not comfortable with accepting as my life situation? riiight. good one, smash.
a command ellicits obedience. i'm commanded to love (over and over and over). obedience ellicits humility. humility ellicits death to self. why can't i love others? it's simple: my pride.
here's the thing about death: you can't halfway die. it's not possible. you're either dead, or you're alive. so much about our american culture teaches us to do just enough - just get by - just make people think you're doing a good job. i don't like that mentality. in fact, it makes me sick. it makes me sick, because sometimes i find myself living that way. sometimes i want to live halfway for Jesus and halfway for me. truthfully, it's probably more like 70-30. please don't misunderstand me: i love Jesus. he is the absolute one, true cry of my heart and soul. i want to know him and make him known and pursue him and experience his pursuit of me. however, i try to be 100% transparent here, so in case you didn't know: i'm still human. moving on.
i want to die to myself. i want to die to myself over and over and over again. i want to keep laying my life down at the cross so that it's Jesus who lives through me. if i'm alive, i want to be alive in Christ and by Christ and through Christ. i want to die to myself so that i can show humility so that i can be obedient so that i can love others well.
step one: die to self every moment of every day.
i think what i've learned over the past year especially is that being a christian is about making the decision to submit every other decision you will ever make to Jesus. the truth is, i DO get it. i do understand that my life is not my own - i was purchased at a price and therefore belong to the One who paid my ransom. i am thankful beyond words for this display of grace at work in my life. i'm praying that the same God who covers me in his grace will give me faith to surrender my life at the cross every moment of every day - to embrace humility - to be led to obedience - and to then be able to love others well.
anyway.
i'm still working on this "loving well" thing. i know i'll be working on it everyday for the rest of my life, but let me tell you: i'm not lying when i call it "work." it's tough. and i really feel like over the past several weeks i've had the limit of my ability to love tested. already this shows me how un-Christlike i am. "the limit of my ability to love." the fact that such a limit exists saddens me, but leads to pray more earnestly for Jesus to fill my heart with his eternal and unconditional love.
i've settled in on philippians 2:2-4 for this evening:
"fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, and of one mind. let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowlinesss of mind let each of you esteem others better than yourself. let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
ugh. no thanks. here are my problems with the instructions above:
1. there's a whole lot of people who i don't really like, much less love.
2. most of the time i am totally resemblant of my preschoolers - egocentric and only able to think of me.
then i jump over and read philippians 2:8:
"...he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death..."
and then i really feel crappy.
when will i ever fully grasp that this life isn't about me? when will i totally embrace God-centered theology, and leave my ashley-centered theology behind? who the heck cares what i want? um, oh yeah, nobody. God loves me, so obviously he cares about things i care about, but let's be real: he's GOD. my petty hang-ups with people, circumstances, uncomfortable situations, personal agendas, and life plans are really no match for his desire to make himself famous. and i should go ahead and also get a handle on the fact that he does not need me. apart from him i'm nothing but dust anyway. what use am i to the Holy of Holies, the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe? and what business do i have telling that same great and infinite God what i will and will not do, who i am and am not okay with loving, and what i am and am not comfortable with accepting as my life situation? riiight. good one, smash.
a command ellicits obedience. i'm commanded to love (over and over and over). obedience ellicits humility. humility ellicits death to self. why can't i love others? it's simple: my pride.
here's the thing about death: you can't halfway die. it's not possible. you're either dead, or you're alive. so much about our american culture teaches us to do just enough - just get by - just make people think you're doing a good job. i don't like that mentality. in fact, it makes me sick. it makes me sick, because sometimes i find myself living that way. sometimes i want to live halfway for Jesus and halfway for me. truthfully, it's probably more like 70-30. please don't misunderstand me: i love Jesus. he is the absolute one, true cry of my heart and soul. i want to know him and make him known and pursue him and experience his pursuit of me. however, i try to be 100% transparent here, so in case you didn't know: i'm still human. moving on.
i want to die to myself. i want to die to myself over and over and over again. i want to keep laying my life down at the cross so that it's Jesus who lives through me. if i'm alive, i want to be alive in Christ and by Christ and through Christ. i want to die to myself so that i can show humility so that i can be obedient so that i can love others well.
step one: die to self every moment of every day.
i think what i've learned over the past year especially is that being a christian is about making the decision to submit every other decision you will ever make to Jesus. the truth is, i DO get it. i do understand that my life is not my own - i was purchased at a price and therefore belong to the One who paid my ransom. i am thankful beyond words for this display of grace at work in my life. i'm praying that the same God who covers me in his grace will give me faith to surrender my life at the cross every moment of every day - to embrace humility - to be led to obedience - and to then be able to love others well.
Monday, February 21, 2011
loving well: day one
the most important goal for my life is to know Christ and to make him known. there's not really a secondary goal to that, but i guess more of the action that i have to take to accomplish that goal: to love others well.
here's what the bible says about love: it's patient and kind; it's not jealous or prideful; it's not rude or self-seeking; it's not easily provoked; love thinks no evil; love keeps no record of wrongs; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. love never fails.
that's what i'm called to. interesting.
here's what i know about myself:
i'm impatient. i start screaming if i'm having to travel at the speed limit. i'm often not kind and find myself doing and saying things that shock even myself. i can be envious, particularly when i compare myself to other women. but i can also be envious of spiritual things: girls who are more faithful, more gentle, more reserved. i am entirely prideful all the time and most of the time i disgust even myself. i like to see the faults in others, and think that i've got everything together. i am rude when i don't feel like being kind. i am sarcastic and can be flippant and arrogant. i am self-seeking, even when i'm most selfless. i'm easily annoyed when things do not go my way or people interrupt my plan. i think things i shouldn't. i keep score of offenses made against me, even when i don't mean to. sometimes i want to give up on people and dreams and promises that God has made to me when i don't see immediate results.
it's not in me to love well. it's not in my make-up. it's a fight everyday to love - even the people i love the most. maybe especially the people i love the most.
today on the way to school, on a monday morning, after very little sleep, at 7 am, when i am usually sipping on my orange juice and rocking out to something happy and upbeat, i turned off my radio. i took the 15 minute trip to school to get quiet and let my heart intersect with God's heart. i wanted him to supernaturally open up my weak, human heart and pour out his unbelievable and unconditional love into it. i wanted to walk into school and leave whatever thoughts of things going on in my own life to give 100% of myself to my kids for 8 hours of my day. i wanted to engage passionately in the day, interact with my kids, love on them, hold them, wipe their tears, giggle with them, listen to them patiently, and just be used up for them. and i did. i gave up myself to serve - to be selfless - to love well - and Jesus was faithful to love through me. it was an awesome day.
i can't love well on my own. there's no point for me to try. but when i surrender a willing and passionate heart to a loving God, his love can move freely through me.
i'm praying that i will surrender my heart to him every moment of everyday - that he will give me power to and faithfulness to surrender my heart everyday.
here's what the bible says about love: it's patient and kind; it's not jealous or prideful; it's not rude or self-seeking; it's not easily provoked; love thinks no evil; love keeps no record of wrongs; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. love never fails.
that's what i'm called to. interesting.
here's what i know about myself:
i'm impatient. i start screaming if i'm having to travel at the speed limit. i'm often not kind and find myself doing and saying things that shock even myself. i can be envious, particularly when i compare myself to other women. but i can also be envious of spiritual things: girls who are more faithful, more gentle, more reserved. i am entirely prideful all the time and most of the time i disgust even myself. i like to see the faults in others, and think that i've got everything together. i am rude when i don't feel like being kind. i am sarcastic and can be flippant and arrogant. i am self-seeking, even when i'm most selfless. i'm easily annoyed when things do not go my way or people interrupt my plan. i think things i shouldn't. i keep score of offenses made against me, even when i don't mean to. sometimes i want to give up on people and dreams and promises that God has made to me when i don't see immediate results.
it's not in me to love well. it's not in my make-up. it's a fight everyday to love - even the people i love the most. maybe especially the people i love the most.
today on the way to school, on a monday morning, after very little sleep, at 7 am, when i am usually sipping on my orange juice and rocking out to something happy and upbeat, i turned off my radio. i took the 15 minute trip to school to get quiet and let my heart intersect with God's heart. i wanted him to supernaturally open up my weak, human heart and pour out his unbelievable and unconditional love into it. i wanted to walk into school and leave whatever thoughts of things going on in my own life to give 100% of myself to my kids for 8 hours of my day. i wanted to engage passionately in the day, interact with my kids, love on them, hold them, wipe their tears, giggle with them, listen to them patiently, and just be used up for them. and i did. i gave up myself to serve - to be selfless - to love well - and Jesus was faithful to love through me. it was an awesome day.
i can't love well on my own. there's no point for me to try. but when i surrender a willing and passionate heart to a loving God, his love can move freely through me.
i'm praying that i will surrender my heart to him every moment of everyday - that he will give me power to and faithfulness to surrender my heart everyday.
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