golden cows

i love a good sunday. church, a trip to clemson for groucho's, a nap, accountability over skype with my sweet friend, sara, in sweden. makes for a pretty good day. while on the subject of sweet sara, let me just tell you what a blessing accountability is. i know that sara is my biggest fan. the girl and i have been through some pretty cruddy stuff, but we always stick together. i know she's my biggest fan. i can share with her exactly what's on my heart - no matter how paganish it may sound - and she gets it and she appreciates my candor and she encourages me. i think she would find a way to encourage my heart even if i'd told her i just ran over a puppy for fun. but i also know that she's going to call me out. when i share with her things i'm struggling with, she's going to point me to jesus. she's not going to let things slip. sara always, always, always lovingly directs me back to jesus - not to herself, not to what our culture says - but to jesus. she snaps me back to reality (biblical reality) when i'm letting my emotions get out of control, when i'm being self-seeking, and when i'm not seeking christ first in my life. she is so good at reminding me that jesus wants my whole heart. we've poured over scripture together, prayed together, wept together, laughed (a LOT!) together, had a lot of 2 am phone calls, made a lot of late night trips across town, and really just done life together for about 10 years now. i am blessed beyond measure to count her as a sister in christ and one of my best friends. "every good and perfect gift comes from above" (james 1:17). sara is definitely a gift that i treasure and am so thankful for.

we sang "come thou fount" at church this morning. i have always loved this song and, in particular, the last verse. these words have been on my heart all day:

o, to grace, how great a debtor
daily i'm constrained to be
let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee
prone to wander, lord, i feel it
prone to leave the god i love
here's my heart, lord, take and seal it
seal it for thy courts above

if you know me, you know my love for the book of hosea. really, i love any story of jesus' relentless pursuit of a person (or people) who shows preference for anyone/anything but christ. look at israel. god's chosen people. he delivered them. he promised them good things. he blessed them and took care of them and protected them. and what did they do? they turned their back on him for a golden cow. really? a golden cow? this is where the wrecking ball, also known as the holy spirit, violently attacks my heart. i walk away from christ so often for lesser things. anything that isn't christ is less, obviously, but let's be serious: facebook, a little more sleep, a dating relationship that doesn't honor god or me, a few minutes of earthly pleasure, heightened emotions that make me feel better, giving in to satan's lies and going to those dark places in my head, malicious words that destroy others but build me up. i am so sinful that it disgusts me. i hate sin. but at the same time, i totally get what paul was saying in romans 7: the thing i want to do, i don't do; but the thing i hate, that's what i'm good at. dang it. i'm so quick to make everything else an idol. oh, friends, that we would be so mindful of the golden cows in our lives. i don't want to choose anything else over christ. i want to pursue righteousness every freaking second of every day. i don't want to just think about pursuing christ, i want to passionately seek him and serve him. i want less of me and more of him.

while studying romans 11 earlier today (by the way: it has taken me about 4 days to get through romans 11. you should read it. just sayin'.), the lord pressed these verses (33-36) on my heart:

oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of god. how unsearchable his judgements and his ways beyond finding out. for who has known the mind of the lord? or who has become his counselor? or who has first given to him and had it repaid him? for of him and through him and to him are all things, to whom be the glory forever.

i'll just be honest: i have some trust issues. that's probably putting it mildly, truthfully. with those issues comes the accute inability to simply not know. not knowing something KILLS me. this may come to a surprise to many of you, but i don't know what the future holds. i can't explain why things happen. i'm not sure what will end in happily-ever-after and what will end in disappointment. for most of the questions i have, i have no answers. this makes me crazy. i so desperately want to understand god and his ways and his plans. i want affirmation about things that i hope will happen and explanations for things that have already happened. sometimes i go so far as to have this attitude: well, you say you love me, so you should explain this to me. prideful much? when i came across the verses above, my heart was completely stricken. here are the truths i took away from this passage:

1. god's ways are beyond my understanding.
2. i'm not gonna understand him.
3. god doesn't need my opinion.
4. god doesn't owe me an explanation.
5. here's my answer: for his glory. that's why.

it comes down to having an accurate view of who god is. do i really know the god i say i love and serve? today i spent some time searching scripture to find descriptions of who god is. among my list were: the beginning and the end (the promise!), my exceedingly great reward, love, merciful, forgiving, jealous, wrathful, just, provider, protector, holy, sovereign, my portion, faithful. i think most important to me in this moment is that he is faithful - faithful to be all of these things to me all of the time. and because he is faithful to be all of these things to me all of the time, i can trust that he is the only wise king, the one true living god, and that all things work for my good and his glory. i am praying earnestly that he would enlarge my heart, perfect my faith, and help me to trust him more!