but

i've had an emotional day. if you know me, you know that my emotions can run high, but that i usually do everything in me to keep them buried way below the surface. however, i've said it before, and i'll say it again: this blog is where i am transparent. that said:

i've been praying for a while now that god would start breaking me for what breaks his heart. don't get me wrong, i've always been "christian enough" to be sad about war and homeless people and abandoned children. what i lacked was a real brokenness over the things that grieve my heavenly father. if it doesn't tangibly affect me, it's hard for me to wrap my head and heart around it. for the past three days i have been utterly and totally and completely wrecked by the brokenness in other people's lives. people are really a mess. through the lens of the cross, i think hummanity is a beautiful mess - beautiful in that only through the blood of christ can the mess be shaped into something good. it kind of makes me think of that saying, "one man's trash is another man's treasure." you know, kind of like those (strange) people who collect used tissues and turn them into a giant, 3-D sculpture of a woman's face? so many times we look like junk - our lives look like junk - to everybody else. but to god, we are treasure, and he can take our trash and turn it into a beautiful piece of art.

anyway. back to the brokenness.

over the past few days, my life has intersected with four different situations that are ripping my heart apart. the root of each situation is simple. sin. sin is doing what it does best in the lives of people i love: it's destroying them. friends, do not be misled: satan has only one purpose. he has come to "steal, kill and destroy." his pleaure is our pain. the thrill of his existence is to watch your life slowly slip away by telling you time and time again, "it's just this once;" "just one more drink;" "this is the last time;" "it's not that big of a deal;" "everybody does it." i am watching believers take one, small step toward sin that results in moving them so far away from christ that they don't even recognize the sin they're living in. satan doesn't intend to get us quickly. he doesn't need to. all he has to do is convince us that it'll just be this one time. we make a tiny provision for our flesh, and sin has invaded our hearts and minds and lives, and we are doomed. read genesis 19 about abraham's nephew, lot. lot took one step towards sin - he chose to move to sodom. that one move eventually led to the total destruction and corruption of his family. it's very simple. sin leads to death. that's not a frightening ghost story to scare us into just walking the line of sin without ever actually crossing it. it's a biblical truth repeated over and over in scripture to reveal to us the very real and very final and very destructive consequences of our sin. this is not a feel good message; this is a message laden with urgency to flee from sin. sin promises to wreck your fellowship with christ. it promises to ruin relationships with people. it promises to lead to devestating consequences. it DESTROYS. i don't know how to convey this message to you in a way that does justice to the seriousness of what scripture teaches about sin.

believe me, sweet friends. i know this to be true. looking back over the past year of my life, i can so clearly see steps i took away from christ. they appeared so small, so insignificant, but they had serious affects on my life. a heartbreak last april (i won't even explain the series of bad choices that led to the heartbreak) left me feeling used up, empty, worthless, lonely, and so unbeautiful. everything i had spent two years putting back together had been torn apart again. when another chance came around in october, i stupidly walked into it with my eyes wide shut. i made a careless choice - a quick decision to give into something i wanted - without thinking about what would happen if things didn't turn out well. and friends, things didn't turn out well. my heart was in pieces. instead of taking my hurt and my anger and my desperation to christ, i found a distraction. a temporary fix. i knew it was wrong, but my flesh cried out for it. and i gave in. the distraction i'd hoped would heal my heart inflicted so many new wounds - many which i have yet to recover from. it stole more life from me. it stripped me of purity and faithfulness. it left me feeling even MORE used up, stained, lonely, and defeated. here's the truth in this: sin aways leads to more sin. here's another truth: when you think you've hit the bottom, satan will push you down stairs and into holes you never knew existed. i have experienced the death of joy - the death of peace - the death of sweet fellowship with jesus - and the death of relationships, all because of sin in my life. i am begging you: run the other way.

romans 6:23 teaches us that "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of god is eternal life through jesus christ our lord."

this is where this post turns around. the wages of sin is death. that's a promise. BUT. BUT. BUT. hallelujah for the the three-letter-word that saves my life. BUT the gift of god is eternal life through jesus christ our lord. glory and honor and praise to almighty god who redeems us through the blood of christ! because of christ's life, death and resurrection, i don't have to pay for my sin (past, present or future) with my life. he will forgive me for all of my sin and give me victory and power over sin. that fact is as true as the fact that sin leads to death.

i know christ. my faith in him is accounted to me for righteousness. this is what i must cling to:

"death is swallowed up in victory. o death, where is your sting? o hell, where is your victory? the sting of sin is death, and the strength of sin is the law. but thanks be to god who gives us the victory through our lord jesus christ." (1 corinthians 15:54-57)

jesus, help me to claim that when sin threatens me. help me to claim that when satan wants to remind me of my past. help me to claim that when i see brokenness around me.

i feel like i've kind of rambled for the last thousand words. so here it is in a nutshell: basically, god is breaking my heart over sin. he is revealing to me how much he hates sin and how much satan hates me. he is teaching me that the reality of death by sin is near. he is pleading with me to run from sin. he is burning away parts of my heart and making it more like his own. hallelujah to the god who chooses my mess, imparts his own righteousness to me, and works in my heart despite my mess to make me like himsef. hallelujah to the god who takes me back time and time again after i run towards sin and away from him. hallelujah to the god who has defeated sin and given me the victory eternally.