elizabeth ingram.

meet elizabeth harding ingram.

best friend.

slightly obsessed with car decals.

doesn't like her arm hair.

has the loudest and most infectious laugh i've ever heard.

is a funny person to watch eat.

has fabulous taste in jewelry.

loves to sleep.

has really cool handwriting.

has a pretty voice even though she says she can't sing.

only other person i know who loves birthdays as much as me.

makes a wish at 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, etc.

believes in santa claus.

excellent gift-giver.

always remembers to write thank-you notes.

something i'm really going to miss

i am seriously pumped about my new job, but i am seriously going to miss g-chatting with lindsey every day. it's kind of weird, but we have the BEST talks over g-chat. we've solved lots of problems, made lots of predictions, talked about a million frustrations, faced some hard truths, planned a wedding, and become so much closer over the past two years...all thanks to google!

so, here's to you lindsey! i'll miss you! xoxo.

we have so much to feel good about

get excited! here are some lyrics for you to ponder!

just about the time the shadows call
i undress my mind, and dare you to follow
paint a portrait of my mystery
only close my eyes, and you are here with me
a nameless face to think i see
to sit and watch the waves with me til they're gone
a heart, i swear, i'd recognize
is made out of my own devices
could i be wrong?

the time i've taken
i pray is not wasted
have i already tasted
my piece of one sweet love?

sleepless nights, you creep inside me
paint your shadows on the breath that we share
you take more than just my sanity
you take my reason not to care
no ordinary wings i'll need
the sky itself will carry me back to you
the things i dream that i can do
i'll open up the moon for you
just come down soon

the time i've taken
i pray is not wasted
have i already tasted
my piece of one sweet love?

ready and waiting
for a heart worth the breaking
but i'd settle for an honest mistake
in the name of one sweet love

savor the sorrow to soften the pain
sip on the southern rain
as i do, i don't look - don't touch - don't do anything
but hope that there is a you

the earth that is the space between
i'd banish it from under me to get to you
your unexpected love provides my solitary suicide
oh, i wish i knew

the time that i've taken
i pray is not wasted
have i already tasted
my piece of one sweet love?

ready and waiting
for a heart worth the breaking
but i'd settle for an honest mistake
in the name of one sweet love
"one sweet love" by sarah bareilles

this could really be a good life

good morning, friends!

after a lot of denial, last night i finally faced that fact that my life has been lacking discipline/self-control. and by "my life" i mean everything from when i wake up in the morning to my quiet times. i started reflecting on all the ways i was "out of control," and here's what i found:

1. i stay up way too late doing nothing.
2. i oversleep almost every morning, because of #1.
3. i don't have my quiet time regularly.
4. i don't run regularly.
5. i don't eat organic, healthy food like i used to.
6. i say whatever i want - absolutely no censor.
7. i spend money irrationally.

i know that some of these are of a lesser evil than others, but the point is that i am not disciplined and not self-controlled. i searched the word for a little while last night, trying to see what the lord wanted to teach me about being disciplined (and by discipline i mean dilligent, not like correction, although that's an interesting point i'll get to later). these are some of the passages i found:

"he will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly."
proverbs 5:23

"for god did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
2 timothy 1:7

"for this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."
2 peter 1:5-7

what do i learn from these verses?

1. lack of discipline is fatal.
2. being out of control is not of god; he didn't make me this way, so i can't use the excuse, "this is just how i am." nope. he gave me his spirit and his power to be self-disciplined. good try, though, smash.
3. self-control is necessary. when i press on and continue to be disciplined, i become a little more like jesus, and in turn, love and treat people like jesus did.

after i realized that i was basically the opposite of what i should be, my heart was a little encouraged when realized that discipline is hard - it's not just me thinking that. it is work. it does require effort. but i am capable. here are my new goals:

1. go to bed BEFORE midnight every night.
2. wake up at 6:45 everymorning.
3. run for 20 minutes before work.
4. read at least a verse of scripture before i even start getting ready for work.
5. take huck to the dog park.
6. run for 20 minutes after work.
7. have a legit quiet time at least 4 times a week.
8. eat healthy, organic food and don't be tempted by friends who don't eat the same way i do.
9. filter my mouth. good grief, this will be the hardest to accomplish.
10. spend my free time being productive.

so far this morning i've run 20 minutes, read two chapters of scripture (psalm 14 and proverbs 14), and eaten extremely healthy. but it's only 10:00 in the morning. discipline is made one decision at a time, though.

have a happy wednesday!

do-re-mi

1. people will usually surprise you (good or bad). expect the unexpected.
2. if you are quick to defend yourself, you are probably in the wrong.
3. i get to see john mayer in charlotte friday night. there are no words to describe how excited i am. i'm on a mission to find a new dress.
4. i heard this last night: "if you didn't care so much, there wouldn't be all these questions. you wouldn't wonder what might happen. you'd think, whatever. this is how you know how deeply you care."
5. it's good to know that no matter how long i go without talking to jesus (hours, days, weeks) a whole lot, he's still waiting to hear from me whenever i start talking.
6. i am super excited about getting to hang out with 4 year olds here pretty soon.
7. i feel like a bad mother when i'm gone all day long. i hate leaving huck alone, even though i know he's perfectly content to sleep all day. and night.
8. i tried to put a table together last night. after one hour of hard work, the stupid thing is still in pieces on my patio. FAIL.
9. i don't know what my united way coworkers will do without me when i'm gone. who will feed them yummy (and healthy) snacks??
10. it's 5:00 : ). i'm on my way to meet sweet christin at brioso's in clemson! yay for girl talk!

don't compromise yourself...

you're all you've got. (janis joplin)

i think i've come to appreciate this quote a lot more the older i get. why? because here's what i know about myself: i'm moody, i'm opinionated, i'm stubborn, i'm confusing, i'm mouthy, and i do/say the wrong thing most of the time. people remind me quite regularly that i'm a mess, that i'm unorganized, and that i'm a disaster waiting to happen. i spill things, i knock displays over at the grocery store, i hate my hair, and i'd like to lose ten pounds. i don't have it all together. and the truth is, i'm not ever gonna have it all together.

why all this soul searching on a random tuesday morning? well, as a single, twenty-four year old girl, living in the deep south where everyone meets their soulmate in elementary school (at the very latest high school), is engaged their junior year of college, and married the week after college graduation, i've been pondering why exactly i don't fit that mold. i've never fit the mold. i'm not a 5'5" petite, blonde, sorority girl who walks around showing "pi love" with my black north face (mine is a black patagonia, thank you very much), no make-up, and wallabees. i'm not silly, and i certainly won't ever pretend to be dumb (although i have my moments). i'm not going to try to make you like me. i really don't care. i don't like to hike or ride bikes. i'm not a beauty queen, and i'm not one of those girls who looks pretty when they cry. i'm six feet tall, and i tower over most guys that i know (and i still love my stilettos). i don't weigh 110 pounds, and you'll probably never be able to see my ribs. i love college sports, and i'd rather spend my saturday at a football game or watching seven different basketball games than shopping. i like wearing make-up, not because i'm vain, but because i think it's fun. i'm sarcastic to fault, and i won't pretend not to be just so you won't think i'm mean. i'm smart, and i'm proud to be smart. i would rather wear a dress than anything else, again: not because i'm vain, but because i like to look and feel my best. i love jesus, but i'm still a sinner. i'm not ever going to be a meek and mild, submissive christian lady who never says a cuss word, doesn't touch alcohol, and who says, "how can i serve you today, baby?" to my husband with three kids hanging off of my arms, dinner on the stove, wearing an apron, while studying my bible.

it's been kind of a frustrating few months with a relationship ending and at the same time going to about fifty different weddings. i find myself wondering "what's wrong with me?" then i think of the aforementioned things and realize, "oh, yeah." today, however, i've adopted a new attitude about myself. i am who i am, because jesus made me that way. instead of picking myself apart and scrutinizing all the things i don't like about myself and believing that those are the reasons that i'm single, i'm going to celebrate who i am - right down to my crooked nose. i don't want to change who i am so that someone will fall in love with me.

i'm not going to compromise myself; i'm all i've got.

pioneer ashley

because i've already quit my job, i really don't have much to do these last nine days at united way. i'm working on wrapping up some things and preparing to transfer my workload over to a coworker, but all of my visits have been cancelled and that was basically the bulk of my work. i had a master plan for how i would spend my remaining week and a half, but that was foiled this morning. more on that later.

anyway.

i need to start documenting my home improvement endeavors. my house is super small and already super cute, but there are several little projects i have on my list.

1. paint remaining rooms. the living room is a dark hunter green which looks awesome with my chocolate, tan, and red furniture. i love it. it's so warm and cozy and inviting. my plans for the other rooms are as follows: kitchen (gold), bathroom (brown), master bedroom (grey-blue), guest bedroom (rust).

2. re-tile the kitchen floor. i have a huge kitchen with a white tiled floor that extends from the backdoor entrance, through the laundry room all the way through the "hallway" where my bathroom and two bedrooms are. i have a puppy with black hair who likes to get dirty outside. you do the math on that one. my white tiled floor looks awful all the time - and i vaccuum and mop at least every other day. my plan is to pick out an inexpensive tile, something darker - maybe a terracotta color - and have my uncle, the handyman, install it.

3. decorate the guest bedroom. the bedding is done in this room, but i still need to get curtains up, find a rug, and get a chest of drawers/vanity. it also needs some stuff on the walls.

4. landscaping. this presents the biggest problem for me, as i cannot even remember to water my indoor plants. i need to do a little work on the front of the house, and that includes planting white hydrangea bushes in front of the porch, but the backyard. good grief. i don't even know where to start. well, that's not actually true. i planted some kind of pink flowers in three gigantic pots and put them on my patio. that's all there is out there besides my patio furniture and my grill. i really need to get in the backyard and dig up weeds and plant stuff around the patio, but i have no idea what to do or how to do it. i also need to work on the side of the house. if you have suggestions for easy and inexpensive ways to landscape a pretty good sized backyard (and along a privacy fence), please, let me know!

also, i'm basically obsessed with healthy eating. it pains me to eat junk food. though it may taste good at the time, i always feel guilty after. not to mention it totally affects how i feel. healthy food = feeling good. crappy food = feeling crappy. i don't like eating with people who have poor diets, because they typically pick places to eat that don't have a great health food selection. because of my love for fresh fruits and veggies and organic whole grains and milk, i thought i'd start posting some of my favorite health-conscious recipes.

lemon parmesean pasta:
1 package whole wheat pasta (your choice - i use linguine)
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup parmesean cheese
salt and pepper

1. cook pasta.
2. mix lemon juice and olive oil (you may have to play around with amounts to find the right combo to suit your taste). salt and pepper as you desire.
3. strain pasta.
4. toss pasta in lemon juice and olive oil.
5. stir in parmesean cheese.

this is good hot or cold! follow this with my favorite healthy, summer dessert: yogurt pie.

3 containers fat free yogurt (your favorite flavor - i use publix brand passion fruit or mixed berry)
1 container fat free cool whip
1 reduced fat graham cracker crust (i buy pre-made; who has time to make their own?!)

1. mix yogurt and cool whip until well blended.
2. pour in crust.
3. place in freezer until solid.

happy monday, friends!

rain is a good thing

i have some pretty big news, blog enthusiasts:

i quit my job!!

that's right! on friday i accepted a new position as lead teacher and director of curriculum and home visitations for a preschool program in greenville. i am beyond excited about this opportunity. i'll be teaching four-year-old kindergarten and directing the program based on the perry high-scope preschool model. i'll be working with high-risk children, so i'm really looking forward to the chance to love on some kids who need some lovin'. my last day at united way is july 22, and my first day at my new job is july 26. phew! it's going to be a crazy next few weeks, but i can't wait!

this morning i was doing my morning catch-up on twitter, and i saw that a member of the invisible children family was killed in a terrorist bombing in uganda yesterday. i clicked on the link to invisible children's blog about the man who was killed, and i was really affected by what i read. you can read about nate henn here: http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/2010/07/in-loving-memory-of-nate-oteka-henn/. what a beautiful life. that's the kind of life i want to live. a life that is selfless and that matters - not because of who i am, but because the love of christ in me that spills over into what i do and how i live. his life had meaning and purpose - and it wasn't about money or success or climbing the corporate ladder or getting married or living the american dream. it was about doing what's right: fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves.

today's blog is dedicated to...

my fellow g-chat enthusiast mr. mark owens! he gave me some ideas for today's blog. enjoy!

1. this is my favorite youtube video EVER. i discovered this back when i was sophomore at clemson (could that really be 5 years ago??), but mark sent it to me yesterday. i nearly hyperventalate every time i watch it, because i laugh so hard. enjoy, mate. also - please do not watch if a little profanity will bother you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE

2. because my blog so often reflects my latest musical interests, here's a quick review of a guy i was introduced to yesterday (again, thank you, mr. owens). the guy is zach deputy (i'm not sure if that's his real name or not), and his music resembles something that would be produced should ryan adams, ray lamontagne, oar, and jack johnson make a baby. it's really happy, feel-good, windows down on a pretty day, drive for hours or sit on the boat or the beach with a beer (or margarita, because my mom thinks that ladies should not drink beer) in hand kind of music. i started listening yesterday, and i'm already hooked. a few favorites: "sunshine," "home," and "a little bit of you." you can grooveshark him, or visit his website:

http://www.zachdeputy.com/

3. i skipped breakfast this morning. i never, ever, EVER skip breakfast. i am a breakfast devotee. i love breakfast. i go to bed excited about eating my kashi cereal with fat free milk the next morning. this morning, however, i woke up at 8:19, and in my frantic dash through the shower, getting dressed, and making my way to work, i had no time to fix my cereal. bummer. it is now 12:10 pm, and i am starving. as soon as somebody else gets back to the office i'll be heading to my favorite lunch spot (subway, duh?) for my go to lunch: six inch turkey on whole wheat with lettuce, extra tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, lite mayo, oil, and extra vinegar with a side of apple slices. i. can. hardly. wait.

4. some delightful (note sarcasm) greenville county employees are chopping down the tree outside my office window. i am by no means a "tree-hugger" (i don't even recycle, although i do like to eat organic), but i'm pretty sad to see this tree go. i'm assuming that it's dead, but it's big and twisty and has lots of character. and it's really shady in the afternoon. not to mention that everytime they chop off a branch i think that my office building is going to cave in, because of the minor earthquake that rattles my desk each time a branch hits the ground. reason to leave work early? i think so.

5. seriously, i need food stat.

6. i'm hitting the road to camden today. i'm really excited about it, but i am not so excited about the drive. ordinarily, it would take me less than two hours to get there. however, the last time i went to camden it took me 3 hours and 20 minutes due to a wreck, a speeding ticket, some rain, and lots of crappy drivers. if you know me, you know that my maximum "in the car driving" time is about two hours. that's it. after two hours i have to take a break or insanity will set in and i'm done. i get ill and whiney and carsick. it's deadly (for the people in the car with me, not so much for myself). let this be a warning: if you are planning to drive south this afternoon - get out of my way. i will have no patience for people in the left lane going five under the speed limit. seriously. i will cut you.

7. my office is complete and total disarray. oddly enough, so is my bedroom. i'm not sure how it gets this way, but it's so bad today that things literally started falling off piles on my desk on to me. worker's comp probably isn't an option if you're injured on the job because of a messy office.

8. i really don't like to stop writing before number ten when making lists. however, i'm out of interesting things to say (probably due to my bottomed out blood sugar). i might be back later. it depends on how my afternoon goes.

happy friday! PTL!

brother man!

lyrics from my favorite summer song, "hip to my heart" by the band perry, who, incidentally, i went to blindhorse to see on friday, may 14th, only to find out that i had already missed the concert. story of my life.

i like your lips like i like my coca-cola, yeah
the way it pops and fizzes
you like my shirt like i like it when you hold my hand
the way it fits has got me feelin lucky

lookie who is comin, who
you got that something
boy, i wanna be where you are
and i'm gunnin for ya
can't even fall for some other man
cause, brother man, you know how to get hip to my heart

all the girls in town look you up and look you down, i know
so come on and pick up your kitten
purr, baby, purr
go ahead and say the word, let's go
i think i'm the one you're diggin
got me feelin lucky

lookie who is comin, who
you got that something
boy, i wanna be where you are
and i'm gunnin for ya
can't even fall for some other man
cause, brother man, you know how to get hip to my heart

tell me now, who, who?
tell me now, who, who?

you play it so cool
you play it so coo-oo-oo-ool
and what am i supposed to do
when you play it so cool
and i got the hots for you

lookie who is comin, who
you got that something
boy, i wanna be where you are
and i'm gunnin for ya
can't even fall for some other man
cause, brother man, you know how to get hip to my heart

listen. love. repeat.

footloose!

happy birthday, kevin bacon! i love you in "tremors" and "footloose," and i hope you get to dance and celebrate all day. much love.

thus far today i really don't have anything exciting to write about. i'm seriously tired, due to the fact that i got home around 12:30 and realized that my sheets (and the guest bed sheets) were still in the washing machine. fail. so i put them in the dryer and got on the couch, where i dozed on and off until 2:30. got up; put sheets on my bed; and went back to sleep. needless to say, that's not exactly ideal for my REM cycle. that said: i don't have anywhere to be after work today until 7:30. so before i go run, i will be taking a nap.

speaking of which: i ran yesterday for the first time since OCTOBER. OCTOBER!!! if you know me, then you know that i am a workout fiend. for the past three or so years i've been completely dedicated to the early morning workout and after-work workout. back in october i wasn't taking very good care of myself (due to a really stupid relationship - imagine that...) - i was tired and stressed out and not getting a lot of sleep and not eating much - and after a couple of runs my heart started acting up. do not misunderstand me: my heart was doing what's normal for my heart to do, just more often than normal (but it was because of the stress i was putting on my body). i, being the hypochondriac that i am, completely freaked out and stopped running altogether. after my annual check-up at the cardiologist, i was cleared (and reassured repeatedly that i was not going to die) to do whatever i want. i'm always clear to do what i want, but after those runs that scared me, i wanted to be extra sure i was okay. my poor cardiologist probably hates seeing me come through the door. i ask about a million questions, including "are you sure?" at least fifty times. since my heart typically freaks out after working out or dancing (and usually only once or twice a year), we know that it's just an adrenaline thing, and that i'm okay. so: i ran a mile yesterday, and i lived to tell you about it, haha. i didn't want to jump back in to doing like five miles a day, because me even getting on my brand new treadmill was a tremendous feat in itself, so i'm just going to let myself get back in to it slowly, until i get over my fear completely. hopefully that won't take long.

last night i had dinner with my brother, gray, and scott. they took me to pf chang's, because they missed my birthday. shame on them. however, my broken heart was mended when scott paid for my sweet and sour chicken. we got in to a really serious discussion about what happens to people in the middle of the jungle or rainforest or africa who have never heard about jesus. the question was "what happens to people who have never heard the name of jesus?" my brother is a total theologian, so he had a very black and white perspective. for me and scott it was a little harder to digest. what i want to think is that our god is merciful and compassionate and would not hold an innocent life accountable for not ever hearing about jesus. that's what i want to think. the sad truth is, though, that there is no "innocent" life. we are born in sin - we are evil by nature, and there is not one of us who is good (romans 3:10). i'm kind of wrestling with this today, because the truth is this: no one comes to the father except through me (jesus). no one. not even the man in the deep jungle of a deserted island who has never heard the name of jesus. it's hard to rectify the idea of an all loving, all merciful, and all compassionate god who is also just.

sorry for that incredibly heavy and somewhat depressing little tangent.

in other news: it is about forty-seven million degrees outside - the kind of hot that takes your breath away when you walk outside. you cannot tell me that global warming is a joke. my poor dog is about to go nuts, because we can't walk until late at night when 1. it's not so hot and 2. the pavement doesn't burn his little feet. we tried the dog park this week, and there was nobody there to play with! i think our walks these days will be restricted to around 8:30 in the evening.

i just had lunch, and now i am ridiculously sleepy. my lack of sleep and good lunch are well on their way to putting me in to a late-afternoon-ready-to-go-home-and-put-on-comfy-clothes-and-turn-on-food-network-and-take-a-power-nap coma.

this post has seriously been a waste of time - yours and mine. happy weekend eve!

happy national ice cream cone day!

if you know me at all, you know my fervor for ice cream. i am happy to oblige this national holiday with a free ice cream cone at jason's deli after lunch today. please, and thank you!

this morning as i was getting ready for work, i was reading the scripture verses i have posted all around my bathroom mirror. most mornings i don't even pay them a second glance; they're there, and i know they're there. i just don't spend time reading them. this morning, however, i read them. the one my heart settled on is below:

forget the former things
don't dwell on the past
see, i am doing a new thing!
now it springs up
do you not perceive it?
i am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland
-isaiah 43:18, 19

i'm a girl with few regrets. it's a blessing not to look back and think, "man, i really wish i hadn't let that happen." granted, i'm not proud of a lot of my moments, but i don't necessasrily regret them. the things i do regret are all related to relationships and people. last night i was kind of sucked into the quicksand that is regret. i was thinking of all the things i should have done differently and all the times i could have actually ended up with somebody. (side note: i've been thinking about being alone a LOT lately.) i'm not alone against my will. in almost every relationship i've ever had, i've chosen to get out. a lot of times i've chosen to get out, because i was getting back what i was giving - but the bottom line is that it wasn't right, and my heart refuses to settle. truth be told, i could probably be married right now - if i wanted to be. i could've settled for any one of the guys i've dated. don't get me wrong: they were all wonderful guys who did care about me. some i liked, some i tolerated, and a couple i loved. but i could still be with any of them. it's frustrating to see how relationships play out, especially when there's not really anybody to blame - no real reason for things falling apart. sometimes it just happens, because it isn't right. now i've gotten off track from the point i was originally trying to make. bet you're glad you decided to read this today. let me try to tie this all together:

i don't want to be alone. i want to get married. i want kids. i want to fall in love. i want to find the man i can't live without. but being with the wrong person is a lot more miserable than being alone. trying to force something only makes you unhappy, and if you're having to talk yourself into something, then it's probably not something you need to be in. trust me; i know.

i think all of these things are on my mind as i move past one relationship and deal with the idea of being alone - for now and possibly for forever. who knows what god has planned for me. i know that for right now, i need to be alone. i have a broken heart with lots of dark and twisty places that i've only just uncovered through my last relationship. i'm scared of commitment; i don't trust people; i'm difficult and kind of a mess. so i know that i need to be alone - to figure myself out - to dig into how the lord wants to shape me and change me - to have some clarity. i'm okay with that, because i don't want to take this junk into my next relationship. i want to have a whole heart to offer. well, maybe not whole, but at least healed. my biggest fear is that i will get tired of waiting on the lord and eventually talk myself into settling. i don't think i'd ever get there, but it happens easily and quickly. before you know it you're doing and saying things you never thought you'd do or say. and again i've totally lost you in my stream of consiousness.

truth: everything and everyone has a purpose in my life. all the heartbreaks have a specific place on my heart and lesson to teach. i don't need to be in a place where i miss someone or want someone just so i'm not alone. "you never get what you want if you lower your standards." there are patterns in my life: i date people (sometimes) just so i can say i have someone (not that they aren't great - they are; they're just not right for me, and i always know.), then things get messy as i try to figure out how to end a relationship with a person i really do care about, because i know it's not right for me. then i find myself in some sort of limbo, back and forth with my feelings, after things are over, trying to make sense of what has happened and trying to put my life and heart back together. i really am quite an interesting case.

so back to the verse i read this morning: my past is full of the same. but i think what jesus wants me to hold on to right now - at 10:34 in the morning on wednesday, july 7, 2010, is that he wants to do something new. he wants me to be excited about what he's got planned. he wants me to let go of the past. he wants me to trust him and search him for the new thing he's doing in my life. he wants me to open my eyes to how he is creatively providing for me. he wants me to celebrate his resurrecting power in my life.

omg

the wait is over! the answer was YES!

more details to come soon! : )

just say yes

i'm running out of ways to make you see
i want you to stay here beside me
i won't be okay and i won't pretend i am
so just tell me today and take my hand

just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back
it's not a test
nor a trick of the mind, only love

it's so simple and you know it is, know it is
we can't be to and fro like this all our lives
you're the only way to me, the path is clear
what do i have to say to you, for god's sake, dear

just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back
it's not a test
nor a trick of the mind, only love

just say yes
cause i'm aching, and i know you are, too
for the touch
of your warm skin as i breathe you in

i can feel your heart beat through my shirt
this was all i wanted
all i want

just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back
it's not a test
nor a trick of the mind, only love

lover, lover, lover, you don't treat me no good no more

can it really already be tuesday, july 6?? really?? i had a great weekend. probably the best weekend i've had in three months. (wow, has it been three months?) my great weekend started at 2:45 on friday afternoon when united way let us go early. i hate friday afternoons, so this was a very welcomed surprise. cati rolled in to town around 5, and she and i met elizabeth for dinner and a movie at 8. we had a really fun night laughing and being silly. oh, and drinking chick-fil-a milkshakes (thanks, united way, for the chick-fil-a gift card that bought our milkshakes). saturday cati had to work, so i slept late, took huck to the dog park, went to the grocery store, cleaned the house, and took a nap. it was divine. saturday night cati and i had dinner downtown, got ice cream, and ended up coming in pretty early. valerie had been at the baseball game, and when she left she came over and we watched a few episodes of true blood (we're on season two, now). sunday cati had to work, so i met liz at newspring. church, lunch, nap, CELEBRATE! ten of us went downtown for dinner and fireworks and "playing" sunday night. it was so much fun. i knew it was going to be a great night when liz's dad let her drive his 1970 cutlass convertible. the fireworks were incredible, and we even got to see anna and katherine. after our adventures downtown, we got in the cutlass, cranked up the music, sang our little hearts out, and drove aroun downtown for a good half a tank of gas. cati, sara, and i went back to my house and watched "orphan" until 3:30 in the morning. um, creepy. we slept late yesterday, picked liz up around 1 for lunch at groucho's in spartanburg, then headed to the pool. mid-trip to the pool, sara texted and said they were going shopping. since we were going to her pool, we needed a new plan. liz decided that we could totally sneak in to the pool in the neighborhood where she and her dad used to go play tennis. as we pulled up to the (gated) neighborhood, we luckily got behind a truck...who i tailgated to get into the neighborhood before the gate slammed shut. we got to the pool and tried to play it cool, all the while the "regulars" were staring at us like we were from outerspace. we later learned that they were staring at us, because we had walked in and totally disregarded the sign in sheet at the check-in table. whoops. once we realized that we probably shouldn't have snuck in, and that if we were going to sneak in we probably should have at least signed in, we decided it'd be a good idea to go ahead and get out of there. we packed up after a couple of hours and headed out. cati left for clemson around 5 yesterday afternoon, and i picked up the house, painted my nails, and showered. sallie came over at 7 for our monday night routine: joy of tokyo takeout, the bachelorette, and true beauty. i didn't do anything particularly exciting over the weekend, but it was a lot of fun. i was definitely sad to see 7 am come this morning when i had to wake up and get ready for work. i'm already counting down to this weekend. i'm going home to have a birthday celebration for me, my aunt connie, and my nanny with the family. it's also jammin in july, and liz, valerie, shelby, anna, and katherine are coming to camden to go.

so that's the recap of my weekend. pretty fabulous. in other news: i'm learning a lesson in patience. for someone who starts screaming soft profanities when i'm stopped at a red light for more than 5 seconds, patience is a very difficult virtue to practice. i think it's more of a lesson in trusting jesus. but aren't all lessons we learn basically centered around the fact that we need to trust jesus more? i think so. anyway. i'm waiting on some news that will either make me extremely happy or extremely disappointed. it could go either way, and right now i'm just waiting.

this weekend i finally felt like myself again. it's been three long months of wrestling with the same thing, moping, wallowing, and being unhappy (not all the time - but you know what i mean). finally, FINALLY, i caught a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel - and it wasn't too far away! granted, i still have my moments, but i'm finally able to put my feelings in a little box and shove them in the back of my head so that i can actually function. thank goodness - no, thank jesus - for that. it's still hard, obviously, because everything i see reminds me of the things i'm trying to forget, but hallelujah! i feel like ashley again.

i've got a pretty exciting event calendar coming up: this weekend in camden/jammin in july; next thursday is jerrod niemann at blindhorse; next weekend is john mayer in charlotte and charlee and robbie's cocktail party in lexington; the following weekend and entire following week is edisto; the last weekend in july is chris and katie's wedding; the first weekend in august is charlee and robbie's wedding. lots of really fun things coming up that i'm really excited about.

i rediscovered snow patrol this morning. LOVE them. i don't know why i stopped listening to them. probably because my jcm obsession got a tad bit out of control. whatever the reason, i listened to them all morning long and was in awe of some of their lyrics. keep reading to find out what song i choose for lyrics of the day!

i think i've rambled long enough. if you've read this entire thing: my apologies for having nothing witty, thought-provoking, or even entertaining for you to read today.

lyric time!

encouraging lyrics from the robbie seay band (joseph hart originally wrote the song in 1759, but i like the RSB version best):

come, ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
jesus ready stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

i will arise and go to jesus
he will embrace me in his arms
in the arms of my dear savior
there are ten thousand charms

come, ye thirsty, come and welcome
god's free bounty glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i will arise and go to jesus
he will embrace me in his arms
in the arms of my dear savior
there are ten thousand charms

come ye weary, heavy-laden
lost and ruined by the fall
if you tarry til you're better
you will never come at all

lead me to the cross

that is what my heart keeps crying out to jesus. i'm trying to let him take every thought captive, and any time a thought creeps in that i do not need to meditate on, i immediately ask him to lead me to the cross. at the cross everything is made right: hurts, fears, lonliness, rejection, guilt, shame, confusion, pride. it's all rectified. romans 12:2 tells us to be "renewed by the transforming of your mind." that's what i need (and i need it often): renewal through the transformation of my mind. only christ can do that.

i read a quote this morning that struck my heart:

the lord never came to deliver men from the consequences of their sin while yet those sins still remained. yet men, loving their sins and feeling nothing of the dread of their hatefulness have, consistent with their condition, constantly taken this word concerning the lord to mean that jesus came to deliver them from the punishment of their sins. (george macdonald)

wow. that's pretty much dead on. the bible tells us that he came to deliver us from our sins. from our sins. he came to deliver us from the bondage of our human nature - the very thing we were born in to - the evil that penetrates our hearts. when you think about it that way it changes everything - the way it's intended to. when we are delivered from our sin, it doesn't mean we don't sin ever again - but it means we are free from it's control over us. we can not sin. we're no longer slaves to the sin that once controlled us. it's not about the consequences. it's about the heart; it's about reconciliation; it's about holiness; it's about being made right with the one who knitted our souls and hearts and bodies together long before we'd say our first curse word, think our first lustful thought, tell our first white lie, utter our first unkind word. i found this quote this morning, too:

that is why he warned people to "count the cost" before becoming christians. "make no mistake," he says, "if you let me, i'll make you perfect. the moment you put yourself in my hands, that's what you're in for. nothing less or other than that." (cs lewis)

i think it's really interesting that lewis used the word "let." if you let me. mostly i'm pretty sure i don't let jesus do much of anything in my heart. i say that i want him to, but then as soon as he starts to, and it gets a little (or a lot) uncomfortable, i want out. i suddenly no longer desire to learn or change or grow or become more like him; i'm satisfied to slip back in to my comfortable but slimey, smelly, rotting sin.

i'm seeing that in my life right now. i made a decision to be obedient. i was obedient. it's painful. i mean it's really uncomfortable. i don't want to be obedient anymore. i want to go back to doing what i was doing. instead of clinging to jesus, finding relief in him, and allowing him to stretch me and change me, and crying out for him to help me glean all he wants to teach me right now, i've been crying out for him to just give me back the thing i obediently gave up. it reminds me of another quote from cs lewis:

safe? of course he isn't safe, but he's good.

there is nothing "safe" in my life when i place my life in jesus' hands. there is nothing safe from his destruction, because he will tear down, dismantle, break, and ultimately destroy anything in me that is not of himself. the beauty of that truth is that through all the wreckage is the promise that everything he does is for my good. the weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. he is the god who only does wonderful things. then of course, there's the other side of this seemingly scary fact: there is no safer place to be than in jesus' hands. it's kind of like being in the eye of a hurricane. anywhere else in the storm or on the fringes of the storm, and you're vulnerable - you're unsafe. but right there in the center of it, you're safe - everything is calm. danger and destruction and chaos may surround you on all sides, and it might be a lot bigger than your little piece of calm - but right there in the eye of the storm you're safe. somehow that helps me to grasp what jesus is trying to teach me. it's like peter walking on water. he stepped out of the boat on the waves. he was "unsafe," in theory. but he wasn't truely helpless until he took his eyes off of jesus - til he lost focus. that's when he began to be overcome by the violent ocean and drown.

i think part of it comes down to do i really believe this? do i really believe that the cross is what it is? do i really believe the message of jesus? when i think about the moments that i resist him and want my way, i know that i'm wrestling my will versus his: i don't trust that his will is greater than my own. not necessarily that, but i'm afraid of just how hard, painful, scary, and uncomfortable his will is going to be. my own sinfulness speaks so loudly sometimes and tells me that my will is definitely the better way to go. i some how always manage to fail to learn the lesson that my way never gets me where i want to go. ever. so even though i fight his will, i absolutely believe that the cross is what it is. i trust jesus and his message with everything in me. it's kind of weird. even if i tried not to believe it, i couldn't. jesus has already changed my heart so much that i know he is who is says he is; i know the work of the cross is real and relevant.

so. all that to say: i am approaching this season in my life with a new attitude. instead of being so easily satisfied by my sin, i'm going to press in to jesus as he refines my heart. i'm going to push through the painfulness and uncomfortableness, and trust that joy will come in the morning (whenever morning may be). i'm going to praise him for the work he is doing in my life, for loving me so much that he cannot leave me in my sinfulness, for taking me apart and making me more like himself, for the cross (another example of pain that was necessary for righteousness, healing, and completion*), and for deliverance from my sin. i'm not going to pray for him to leave me alone or for him to give back what was taken away. i'm not going to ask out. i'm going to allow him to continue to make me vulnerable and expose my sin and rip it from my life, all the while trusting that he alone is god, and he alone is good.

*a side note: the cross was necessary for jesus to complete the atoning work of god to complete the work of salvation in our hearts. it was painful and there was suffering involved and most definitely uncomfortable - jesus didn't want to do it (remember how he begged god for another way in gesthemane?), but it was necessary for completion. jesus promises that his work in our lives is so that we are lacking nothing. hmm. i'll take the uncomfortable seasons of stretching and molding and breaking to be complete.