you're all you've got. (janis joplin)
i think i've come to appreciate this quote a lot more the older i get. why? because here's what i know about myself: i'm moody, i'm opinionated, i'm stubborn, i'm confusing, i'm mouthy, and i do/say the wrong thing most of the time. people remind me quite regularly that i'm a mess, that i'm unorganized, and that i'm a disaster waiting to happen. i spill things, i knock displays over at the grocery store, i hate my hair, and i'd like to lose ten pounds. i don't have it all together. and the truth is, i'm not ever gonna have it all together.
why all this soul searching on a random tuesday morning? well, as a single, twenty-four year old girl, living in the deep south where everyone meets their soulmate in elementary school (at the very latest high school), is engaged their junior year of college, and married the week after college graduation, i've been pondering why exactly i don't fit that mold. i've never fit the mold. i'm not a 5'5" petite, blonde, sorority girl who walks around showing "pi love" with my black north face (mine is a black patagonia, thank you very much), no make-up, and wallabees. i'm not silly, and i certainly won't ever pretend to be dumb (although i have my moments). i'm not going to try to make you like me. i really don't care. i don't like to hike or ride bikes. i'm not a beauty queen, and i'm not one of those girls who looks pretty when they cry. i'm six feet tall, and i tower over most guys that i know (and i still love my stilettos). i don't weigh 110 pounds, and you'll probably never be able to see my ribs. i love college sports, and i'd rather spend my saturday at a football game or watching seven different basketball games than shopping. i like wearing make-up, not because i'm vain, but because i think it's fun. i'm sarcastic to fault, and i won't pretend not to be just so you won't think i'm mean. i'm smart, and i'm proud to be smart. i would rather wear a dress than anything else, again: not because i'm vain, but because i like to look and feel my best. i love jesus, but i'm still a sinner. i'm not ever going to be a meek and mild, submissive christian lady who never says a cuss word, doesn't touch alcohol, and who says, "how can i serve you today, baby?" to my husband with three kids hanging off of my arms, dinner on the stove, wearing an apron, while studying my bible.
it's been kind of a frustrating few months with a relationship ending and at the same time going to about fifty different weddings. i find myself wondering "what's wrong with me?" then i think of the aforementioned things and realize, "oh, yeah." today, however, i've adopted a new attitude about myself. i am who i am, because jesus made me that way. instead of picking myself apart and scrutinizing all the things i don't like about myself and believing that those are the reasons that i'm single, i'm going to celebrate who i am - right down to my crooked nose. i don't want to change who i am so that someone will fall in love with me.
i'm not going to compromise myself; i'm all i've got.
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