if you know me at all, you know my fervor for ice cream. i am happy to oblige this national holiday with a free ice cream cone at jason's deli after lunch today. please, and thank you!
this morning as i was getting ready for work, i was reading the scripture verses i have posted all around my bathroom mirror. most mornings i don't even pay them a second glance; they're there, and i know they're there. i just don't spend time reading them. this morning, however, i read them. the one my heart settled on is below:
forget the former things
don't dwell on the past
see, i am doing a new thing!
now it springs up
do you not perceive it?
i am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland
-isaiah 43:18, 19
i'm a girl with few regrets. it's a blessing not to look back and think, "man, i really wish i hadn't let that happen." granted, i'm not proud of a lot of my moments, but i don't necessasrily regret them. the things i do regret are all related to relationships and people. last night i was kind of sucked into the quicksand that is regret. i was thinking of all the things i should have done differently and all the times i could have actually ended up with somebody. (side note: i've been thinking about being alone a LOT lately.) i'm not alone against my will. in almost every relationship i've ever had, i've chosen to get out. a lot of times i've chosen to get out, because i was getting back what i was giving - but the bottom line is that it wasn't right, and my heart refuses to settle. truth be told, i could probably be married right now - if i wanted to be. i could've settled for any one of the guys i've dated. don't get me wrong: they were all wonderful guys who did care about me. some i liked, some i tolerated, and a couple i loved. but i could still be with any of them. it's frustrating to see how relationships play out, especially when there's not really anybody to blame - no real reason for things falling apart. sometimes it just happens, because it isn't right. now i've gotten off track from the point i was originally trying to make. bet you're glad you decided to read this today. let me try to tie this all together:
i don't want to be alone. i want to get married. i want kids. i want to fall in love. i want to find the man i can't live without. but being with the wrong person is a lot more miserable than being alone. trying to force something only makes you unhappy, and if you're having to talk yourself into something, then it's probably not something you need to be in. trust me; i know.
i think all of these things are on my mind as i move past one relationship and deal with the idea of being alone - for now and possibly for forever. who knows what god has planned for me. i know that for right now, i need to be alone. i have a broken heart with lots of dark and twisty places that i've only just uncovered through my last relationship. i'm scared of commitment; i don't trust people; i'm difficult and kind of a mess. so i know that i need to be alone - to figure myself out - to dig into how the lord wants to shape me and change me - to have some clarity. i'm okay with that, because i don't want to take this junk into my next relationship. i want to have a whole heart to offer. well, maybe not whole, but at least healed. my biggest fear is that i will get tired of waiting on the lord and eventually talk myself into settling. i don't think i'd ever get there, but it happens easily and quickly. before you know it you're doing and saying things you never thought you'd do or say. and again i've totally lost you in my stream of consiousness.
truth: everything and everyone has a purpose in my life. all the heartbreaks have a specific place on my heart and lesson to teach. i don't need to be in a place where i miss someone or want someone just so i'm not alone. "you never get what you want if you lower your standards." there are patterns in my life: i date people (sometimes) just so i can say i have someone (not that they aren't great - they are; they're just not right for me, and i always know.), then things get messy as i try to figure out how to end a relationship with a person i really do care about, because i know it's not right for me. then i find myself in some sort of limbo, back and forth with my feelings, after things are over, trying to make sense of what has happened and trying to put my life and heart back together. i really am quite an interesting case.
so back to the verse i read this morning: my past is full of the same. but i think what jesus wants me to hold on to right now - at 10:34 in the morning on wednesday, july 7, 2010, is that he wants to do something new. he wants me to be excited about what he's got planned. he wants me to let go of the past. he wants me to trust him and search him for the new thing he's doing in my life. he wants me to open my eyes to how he is creatively providing for me. he wants me to celebrate his resurrecting power in my life.
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