the b word

not that "b" word, friends.

as the new year approaches, i look back over my online bank account and realize that i am terribly out of control in my spending. *heavy sigh.* i am wondering how on earth i managed to spend so much money. what do i have to show for myself? sure, i've got some great new clothes, a lovely shade of raisin nail polish on my fingernails, the best mascara coating my lashes, and it looks like pier 1 threw up into my house, but what do i have to say for all of my outlandish purchases? absolutely nothing. what does my savings account have to say for all of my outlandish purchases? absolutely nothing.

i like to think of myself as an adult. i own my own home. i pay all my bills. i have a full-time "real" job. i clean my bathroom now. i'm a grown-up. this is the part where i realize that i'm not as grown-up as i think i am, because i can't even budget my money. well, actually, that's false. i CAN budget my money. i just choose not to stick to my budget. ridiculous. it's like something in me is just opposed to the "b" word. for the life of me i cannot seem to make myself realize the importance of living within my means. and it's not like i just have a paycheck at my disposal, with no mortgage, bills, doctor's appointments, groceries, dog food, contacts, etc. etc. etc. i have a lot of expenses. but i could significantly cut down on how much crap i buy. take wal-mart, for example. when i go to wal-mart, i usually walk out 50 dollars poorer. oh, the appeal of the cosmetics aisle. eyeliner, blush, gloss. i love it. and i want it. shampoo, smelly things, candles, cd's. i NEED it. what i don't need are $36 overdraft fees, because i refuse to face the fact that i don't have the money for these items.

personally, i think we should revert to bartering. i mean seriously, folks. this system worked great for the pilgrims and indians. i say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. who in the world decide that actual MONEY was the answer to a problem that didn't exist?? i've got a lot of nice things (as previously mentioned) that i'd be willing to trade for other nice things and/or food and items needed for survival. oh, the simplicity of trade.

back to reality. bartering is not an option, thus not a solution to my overspending. i've decided that my goal (NOT resolution, because i never, ever keep resolutions) for 2010 is to stick to my budget and save at least $1500. now, that doesn't sound like much to save over a year, but you have to remember that i don't make that much, plus i do own a house and have bills and the list goes on and on. so that's the goal. i'm going to write down everything i spend (who knew that's what all those lines were for in your checkbook??) and keep up with it religiously. i know this is going to be hard at first. i mean, it's going to be a downright lifestyle change. i'm going to feel poor. i'm going to feel disadvantaged. i'm going to feel sad about all of the purchases i'm not making. but hopefully, after a month or two, i'll get it figured out, i'll find a system, and i'll be pleased to look at my savings account (and even my checking account) to find my hard work paying off.

so do me a favor. don't ask me to go out to lunch or dinner unless you're planning to pay.

hahaha sike. times aren't that tough.

goodbye, 2009!

i can't believe it's already time to say goodbye to 2009! while it's been a really great twelve months, i can honestly say i'm eager to close this door and head into 2010. i feel this way at the end of every year, i think (some more than others). january 1st is really no different from any other day, but there's something so refreshing about starting a new year. it's a clean start. i always feel liberated, like i've left the mess-ups and mistakes and heartaches of the previous year behind, and i'm moving on towards bigger and better things. there's always a twinge of fear, though, when starting a new year. although i'm usually optimistic and hopeful at the start of a new year, my subconscious reminds my conscious that i don't know what the year could hold. while great things are sure to happen in some form or another, there's always the uncertainty of what terrible thigns lie ahead. what will i experience in these next four seasons? what will i lose? what will challenge me? what (or who) will break my heart? it can be overwhelming to think about - the unknown, that is. however, i'm leaving 2009 with some great memories and some even better life lessons. these are a few of them:

memories:
1. texas trip - september 25-27 - liz and i saw george straight in concert, went to the ut game, went to the baylor game, and hung out with my friend alex. it was one of the best weekends of my life. i'm so glad we made the spur of the moment decision to go. money well spent.

2. music city bowl - december 27 - clemson beat kentucky in nashville in the snow; it was cj's last game. a great way to end an emotional season. go tigers!

3. cracker barrel - liz and i have a standing tradition of eating at cracker barrel every sunday. we order the same thing every time, and usually have the same waitress. we've had some great conversations over southern style chicken and beef stew.

4. cheesecake factory - sara, gray, scott and i randomly drove to atlanta one friday night just to eat dinner at the cheesecake factory. it was totally unexpected, but such a great night of food and lots of laughter and fellowship.

5. november 11 - hmm. this one's a secret, but it was a good night. : )

6. august 9 - gray returned home from texas after 3 months (i hadn't seen him in 4). we had the sweetest reunion in baggage claim at charlotte-douglas.

7. october 16 - moved into my new house! i bought my very own house, and move in day was one of the most fun days. my whole family was there, plus the ingrams, plus john, and my new puppy, huck. it was a good day, and i felt like i was starting my life.

8. rainy saturdays in death valley - i know it's weird, but i seriously loved every saturday i spent watching the tigers play in the pouring down rain! i love muddy football, and although i looked disgusting, there's something about standing outside in a downpour with 85,000 of your best friends, screaming until you have no voice, with you shoes off and jeans rolled up, mascara dripping down you face that really makes for the best memories.

9. december 19 - cati came up to spend the night with me. we did absolutely nothing but eat way too much pizza and ice cream, but sara, cati, and i sat in my living room until nearly 3 am talking. some of the best conversation i had all year. what a blessing.

10. december 5 - acc party at my house. great food, great drinks, great friends. clemson lost, but we had so much fun.

life lessons:
1. god is always faithful. going into the new year not knowing what to expect, i can look back at the 24 previous "new years" i've experienced, and i can honestly say that i could never have imagined some of the things that took place in my life. but i can also honestly say that god never once left me or abandoned me or was unfaithful to me. i can go into 2010 confidently believing that whatever comes, jesus is in my midst.

2. you can't wait for life to "start." i kept thinking that once i graduated from college, life would start. once i graduated, i thought that once i met somebody, life would start. once i bought a house, i thought life would start. finally, it's the end of 2009, and i've been out of college for nearly 2 years, and i've finally realized that this is LIFE! life begun 24 years ago, and i'm living the beautiful and wonderful and messy and weird and complicated and glorious life i'm supposed to be living right now - single or not, rich or poor, in an apartment or house. this is my life - i've got to live the heck out of it.

3. you can't count on other people. no matter how much you love them or trust them, you just can't depend on people. you've got to depend on jesus and only jesus. i can't even count on myself. i'm so apt to quickly run to the wonderful people in my life when i need advice or sympathy or encouragment. but the same people who so often build me up and make me feel better, can at times make me mad and hurt my feelings. i can't count on people, and i can't change people. i can count on jesus, because jesus never changes, and he doesn't need to.

4. sometimes spending all of your money on a random trip is exactly what you need to do. while i need to learn to be more cautious with my spending, i also want to balance that with remembering that "you can't take it with you." i'm in a season of life where i can basically do what i want when i want. i'm going to enjoy that as much as i'm able to.

5. life is complicated. and that's okay. i think sometimes i idealize what life should be too much. if you hadn't already figured it out, life is hard. there are a lot of things that will break your heart. a lot of people will let you down (see number 3). a lot of bad things will happen. situations aren't easy to navigate. feelings are confusing. relationships are difficult to figure out. that's life. it's okay. we live in a fallen world, so we have to expect that life's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. i'm okay with that. "if you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

6. friday nights spent at home watching movies with your best friend do not make you a loser.

7. "people can only make you feel inferior with your consent" (eleanor roosevelt). she was so right. so much of the time i think people try to make me feel less smart or wise, less beautiful, less thin, less kind, just LESS. who are they to tell me who i am? jesus defines me and shapes my thoughts and actions. you can't live life letting other people make you feel less. it's just not healthy. "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (dr. seuss).

8. christian people can be some of the most judgemental, close-minded, weird people. i can say that because i am a christian. i have been so appalled by some of the things i've heard, seen, and experienced over the past year. jesus makes it possible for us to be compassionate, open-minded, sensitive, and FREE.

9. mistakes are inevitable. i live my life so much of the time in fear of messing up. i'm so scared to make any decisions, because i'm petrified that i'm going to choose the wrong thing, screw up my life, and suffer consequences for the rest of my life. currently i'm battling the fear that when i spent so much of my college years invested in a very wrong relationship, that i'll never experience a good relationship or marriage. how ridiculous. god doesn't work that way. he doesn't punish me when i mess up. i'm GOING to mess up. i'm human. he knows this. he expects this. what value would grace have if it was only available if i were perfect? praise god that his desire to bless me and put good things in my life is not dependent on my ability to do the right thing all the time. i have to believe that and trust that and take him at his word: he WANTS to bless me above and beyond anything i could imagine - mistakes and all.

10. people are for loving. i spend a lot of time criticizing and talking about what i don't like in other people. that's not what people are for. they're not to be used as a pasttime - to talk about when i'm bored or feeling bad about myself. they're simply for loving. people were created for god's good pleasure - for his enjoyment - as the objects of his affection. if my heart is to be like his heart, shouldn't i view people the same way? to love, to enjoy, to bless?

this is a really long post, and probably very boring. but those are my top ten favorite memories and life lessons of 2009. hasta lavista, baby!

the word became flesh

jesus left because of you. he laid his security down with his hammer. since he could bear your sins more easily than he could bear the thought of your hopelessness, he chose to leave. it wasn't easy. leaving the carpentry shop never has been.

-max lucado (god came near)

sometimes it's easy to forget how truly remarkable it is that god became human. have you noticed this theme in my posts? i'm enamored by jesus, god incarnate. i cannot wrap my mind around this package of deity and flesh formed together. i pretend i have it figured out, like i've got the whole thing nailed down, and i understand the virgin birth, the merging of god and man, the life jesus led, because that's what we're supposed to do. i can spit the gospels at you and quote ancient prophecy and give you a detailed account of christ's life and death. but what's alarming in all of this is that when we focus on the how's and why's and when's, we lose some of the "wow." we lose the ability and desire, i think, to just sit at jesus' feet and feel the innocent and genuine sense of awe. we start to look past the pictures of grace and compassion and mercy in the very ordinary moments of christ's life when we try to figure it all out - to understand it - to memorize it. when we were little, my dad read the christmas story to my brother and me every christmas eve. it was a great tradition, but after a while we gave it up. it's sad for me to think that so much of what i focus on are what i consider to be the "high points" of christ's life. the immaculate conception. the miracles. the resurrection. yes, those "high points" are incredible and essential to the story. but i think at this time of year, especially at this time of year, i need to focus on the ordinary. i want to sit with my bible pouring over the gospels and allow my mind to be completely saturated by the everyday parts of christ's very human and very god-like life. i want to read inbetween the written words and experience the christ who built tables, who brandished a hammer, who laughed with his brothers and sisters, who hugged his mom, who had dirty feet, who joked with his dad in the shop, who did chores, who scraped his knees, who sneezed. i think only when i even begin to grasp the very ordinary, can i appreciate the very extraordinary that marked christ's life. the same man who drove nails as his profession had nails driven into his hands. the same man who taught in the temple was crucified by the very men he had spoken words of prophecy and of encouragment to. the same man who reached out to a leper whom others sneered at was spit on and mocked. the same man who walked dusty roads and had calloused feet knelt to wash the feet of his beloved disciples. the same man who tripped and fell as a little boy was beaten beyond recognition. the same man who carried jugs of water to his mother in the morning labored a heavy cross through city streets and up a steep hill. even in the ordinary there is extraordinary.

as this week continues and i'm still pondering john 1:14 and chapter 13, something struck me: i was asked to make a hard decision, but i will never be asked to do something that christ hasn't already done. he always goes before. jesus knew the reason for his birth: death on a cross. he knew that eventually there would come a time when he had to leave. he had a lot of leaving to do. he had to leave his family, his home, the comfort of the familiar, his work at the carpentry shop, neighbors who had seen him grow up, friends he'd had for 33 years, a place to sleep, the guarantee of the next meal, safety and protection, good standing in the community. he had to leave these things, because his father asked him to - he had been called to something greater. i cannot imagine how it must have wrung his heart to say good-bye to those things. but he did. he made the choice to obey, and he left. then on calvary's cross he was asked to say good-bye to his life - his very breath. what fear must have plagued his human heart and mind in the moments leading up to that first splintering nail - the sword to his side - the final breath. and then he was asked to say good-bye to his father, whom he had never been apart from. ever. he had not known any - much less total - seperation from god. the certainty of that truth approaching must have gripped him so tightly. i imagine there was a lump in his throat as he cried out to abba father from the cross.

praying for jesus to overwhelm me with who he is - not what he does.

for all of my trying, we still end up dying; how can it be?

it seems the deliquency of my blogging directly correlates to the deliquency in my quiet times and relationship (or lack thereof) with jesus. i wish i could deny this truth and tell you that the past two (or more) months have been filled with hours of in-depth study of the word, consistent times of prayer and meditation, and all around spirit-filled days. alas, that is not what the past few months have held for me. instead it's been one of those times where instead of walking with jesus, i've been walking alone - or rather trying to walk alone. the unfortunate thing about being a christ-follower is that no matter where i walk - even when i walk where i shouldn't - jesus walks with me. and, you see, the fortunate thing about being a christ-follower is that no matter where i walk - even when i walk where i shouldn't - jesus walks with me. sometimes i wish i could walk through my life completely unaffected by my sweet savior's voice speaking words of truth and conviction into my heart. i bet your mouth is gaping open at the sheer thought that i would admit to such paganism. but it's true. sometimes i just want to do what i want to do. but the downside to being a disciple of christ is that i am always so heavily burdened and tormented by his voice, his will, his desires, and his love that i am obligated to forfeit my own plans and take up his own. also, you see, the upside to being a disciple of christ is that i am always so heavily burdened and tormented by his voice, his will, his desires, and his love that i am obligated to forfeit my own plans and take up his own. sunday morning i went to brushy creek to lead small group with my fabulous 9th grade girls, and i was completely zoned out. exhausted and regretfully uninterested in what benji was talking about (don't tell him that, kristi - i know you read my blog!), the only words i remember him saying are, "don't be discouraged by the battle you feel between your flesh and your spirit. let it encourage you! let it remind you that the holy spirit is in you!" funny that those are the only words that seemed to get through to me that morning. the past few days have been a battle. i would equate the intensity to that more of a war, but i know that it is only a spot of struggle in the "war of my life" (shout out to jm for that one). my spirit and my flesh have been raging over a decision that seemed so simple at first. initially, my old, sinful nature won. i gave in and as soon as my flesh felt the rush of victory, my spirit, bound by shackles to a loving jesus who's patience i cannot comprehend and determined to not to let me be so easily satisfied as i often am, set out to remind me of my place: kneeling at the feet of christ - not fist-pumping my own self-righteousness in his face. so i reconsidered my once selfish decision and made a decision that broke my heart and my spirit.

in the midst of tears and confusion and frustration last night, i felt jesus pressing john 13 onto my heart and mind. i sat down with my bible, which i might add, is in such poor condition that john 13 nearly fell out of the binding and into my lap, and opened it to the passage i had read so many times before. john 13 is about jesus washing the disciples' feet. i'm still not sure why the lord led me to this scripture, exactly, but he also reminded me of john 1:14: "the word became flesh and dwelt among us." i think part of what he wanted me to remember is the humanity of christ - all the parts of christ that were just like me. the parts that hurt, were sad, frustrated, confused, angry, broken, and lonely. i think he wanted me to read about jesus washing the disciples feet, because i needed the humble and merciful savior to bend low to where i was, lift up my chin, look me in the eyes, and wash my own dirty feet. i think he wanted me to remember that jesus came to dwell among his people as one of his people, so that i would never be alone in any feeling, fear, or situation. he has gone before. i think he wanted me to read the verse in chapter 13 that says jesus loved his people "until the end." he never gave up. his love is furious - relentless - all consuming. i think he wanted me to learn that he initiates with me. he rose from the table; he laid his garments aside; he removed the disciples' shoes; he washed their muddy, calloused, smelly feet. he always does what we cannot do.

what better time of year for me to learn lessons of christ's humanity than at christmas when we celebrate the birth of god incarnate? oh man. praying that these lessons encourage my heart and spur me on towards worship and intimacy with him.