it seems the deliquency of my blogging directly correlates to the deliquency in my quiet times and relationship (or lack thereof) with jesus. i wish i could deny this truth and tell you that the past two (or more) months have been filled with hours of in-depth study of the word, consistent times of prayer and meditation, and all around spirit-filled days. alas, that is not what the past few months have held for me. instead it's been one of those times where instead of walking with jesus, i've been walking alone - or rather trying to walk alone. the unfortunate thing about being a christ-follower is that no matter where i walk - even when i walk where i shouldn't - jesus walks with me. and, you see, the fortunate thing about being a christ-follower is that no matter where i walk - even when i walk where i shouldn't - jesus walks with me. sometimes i wish i could walk through my life completely unaffected by my sweet savior's voice speaking words of truth and conviction into my heart. i bet your mouth is gaping open at the sheer thought that i would admit to such paganism. but it's true. sometimes i just want to do what i want to do. but the downside to being a disciple of christ is that i am always so heavily burdened and tormented by his voice, his will, his desires, and his love that i am obligated to forfeit my own plans and take up his own. also, you see, the upside to being a disciple of christ is that i am always so heavily burdened and tormented by his voice, his will, his desires, and his love that i am obligated to forfeit my own plans and take up his own. sunday morning i went to brushy creek to lead small group with my fabulous 9th grade girls, and i was completely zoned out. exhausted and regretfully uninterested in what benji was talking about (don't tell him that, kristi - i know you read my blog!), the only words i remember him saying are, "don't be discouraged by the battle you feel between your flesh and your spirit. let it encourage you! let it remind you that the holy spirit is in you!" funny that those are the only words that seemed to get through to me that morning. the past few days have been a battle. i would equate the intensity to that more of a war, but i know that it is only a spot of struggle in the "war of my life" (shout out to jm for that one). my spirit and my flesh have been raging over a decision that seemed so simple at first. initially, my old, sinful nature won. i gave in and as soon as my flesh felt the rush of victory, my spirit, bound by shackles to a loving jesus who's patience i cannot comprehend and determined to not to let me be so easily satisfied as i often am, set out to remind me of my place: kneeling at the feet of christ - not fist-pumping my own self-righteousness in his face. so i reconsidered my once selfish decision and made a decision that broke my heart and my spirit.
in the midst of tears and confusion and frustration last night, i felt jesus pressing john 13 onto my heart and mind. i sat down with my bible, which i might add, is in such poor condition that john 13 nearly fell out of the binding and into my lap, and opened it to the passage i had read so many times before. john 13 is about jesus washing the disciples' feet. i'm still not sure why the lord led me to this scripture, exactly, but he also reminded me of john 1:14: "the word became flesh and dwelt among us." i think part of what he wanted me to remember is the humanity of christ - all the parts of christ that were just like me. the parts that hurt, were sad, frustrated, confused, angry, broken, and lonely. i think he wanted me to read about jesus washing the disciples feet, because i needed the humble and merciful savior to bend low to where i was, lift up my chin, look me in the eyes, and wash my own dirty feet. i think he wanted me to remember that jesus came to dwell among his people as one of his people, so that i would never be alone in any feeling, fear, or situation. he has gone before. i think he wanted me to read the verse in chapter 13 that says jesus loved his people "until the end." he never gave up. his love is furious - relentless - all consuming. i think he wanted me to learn that he initiates with me. he rose from the table; he laid his garments aside; he removed the disciples' shoes; he washed their muddy, calloused, smelly feet. he always does what we cannot do.
what better time of year for me to learn lessons of christ's humanity than at christmas when we celebrate the birth of god incarnate? oh man. praying that these lessons encourage my heart and spur me on towards worship and intimacy with him.
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