my lyrical soulmate

i love music. a guitar and a raspy but sultry voice and deep jazz, almost blues, sound makes me weak. but it's the lyrics that get me. good lyrics - happy, sad, romantic, angry lyrics, it doesn't matter - move me. i can be driving down the road happy as can be and break down in tears, because of a song i just heard. i love that. music is so powerful. my all time favorite song is "slow dancing in a burning room" by john mayer. when i say i love this song, i LOVE this song. something about it breaks something in my heart every time i hear it - and i always cry. i think because it has meaning from a different part of my life, mostly, but also because i absolutely cannot stand the thought of lost love. i can't take it. i feel physical pain when i think about anybody losing the love of their life. when i was reading the second book in the twilight series, i got to the part where edward left bella. i literally was on the floor sobbing. when tristan dies in the movie "tristan and isolde" i feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest, because it hurts so badly. when jennifer dies in "love story" i feel like i'm sure to run out of tears. "slow dancing in a burning room" is all about love that isn't going to work - it's not going to last. but the beauty of the song is that the couple is going to hang on to each other until the very end - until the room burns away. let me a share a few of the lyrics with you real quick:

it's not a silly little moment
it's not the storm before the calm
this is the deep and dying breath
of this love that we've been working on
can't seem to hold you like i want to
so i can feel you in my arms
nobody's gonna come to save you
we've pulled to many false alarms

just take that in for a minute.

recently i've come to really appreciate and enjoy music by rob pattinson. he doesn't have too many songs out there, but what i've heard, i like. his song "never think" is in the movie "twilight," and i'm quickly becoming obsessed with it. a glimpse into the song...

tell you to hold off
you choose to hold on
it's the one thing that i've known
once i put my coat on
i'm coming out of this all wrong
she's standing outside holding me
saying, 'oh, please, i'm in love'
girl, save your soul
go on and save your soul
before it's too far gone
and before nothing can be done
cause without me
you got it all
so hold on
without me you got it all

i don't even have words to process those lyrics. how horrible, to be so in love with somebody, but to feel like the best thing you can do for them is to not be with them - for their sake. ahhh. i can't take it!

part of me wants that kind of love. that dangerous, this is going to be really hard, you shouldn't be with me, huge risk kind of love. i think that would make the love itself so much sweeter - when it's put to the test. but then i just don't know if i could handle it. and then that leads me to a whole different point:

i want to fall in love. i want to find the person i'm supposed to be with and spend my life with them. however, when i think about that, and i actually think about being THAT close with somebody, it scares me to death. like honestly, seriously, straight up scares me. i don't know if i'm prepared for love. i don't know if i'll ever be able to go there with somebody. and that worries me. i'm so guarded - and i don't appear to be that way, but trust me, i am. i don't let myself or my emotions get involved. i've had a few very casual relationships in my life, but though several of the guys were totally honest and emotional and revealed their feelings for me, i got scared and couldn't do the same. then in college i thought somebody wonderful had finally come into my life, and i gave in and completely gave myself to this person mentally and emotionally and spirtually. and then my heart was torn apart when that ended badly (see previous post about my testimony). and now i just don't know where i go. i say i'm open to love and i want to fall in love and meet somebody, but i'm absolutely so shut off from it that i don't know how i'll ever get there. i wonder how many times the lord has brought somebody in to my life that i've completely ignored. maybe not ever, but maybe he has - and i missed it. i'm so wrapped up in not getting hurt again, that i don't give anything or anybody a chance. i don't want to get too close. i don't want to take a risk. i'm so scared of what happened in the past, that i can't figure out how to move forward with something new. and this is the only area of my life that this applies to - in every other way i am totally healed and whole and "over" what happened. sara and joanna are really good about talking me through this, and they seem to somewhat get what i'm saying. we've kind of figured out that i'm just still "grieving" over the loss of this person. lindsey says i need new love to replace what was lost - and i think she's partially right. but how do i get there when i am completely closed off from love? i have no idea. i'm dreading seeing the new movie in the twilight series. i mean, i'm excited about the movie, but i'm absolutely dreading watching edward leave bella. and i know it's just a movie - i KNOW. but i am certain that i will be curled up in my chair weeping, because i know that feeling of having something ripped out of your life - something that your heart is holding on to for dear life. that is why my heart breaks when i listen to the two songs i mentioned earlier. i guess that's how i got from john mayer all the way to here. haha. funny how women can connect everything to everything else.