hearts were made to be broken

a heart is a fragile thing, that's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. some hearts are more fragile then others, purer somehow. like crystal in a world of glass. even the way they shatter is beautiful.

-john pogue

have you ever stopped to think about how fragile we are? humans in general, i mean. well, actually, i know some humans who wouldn't want to be considered "fragile," so i'll speak for myself here.

i am completely fragile, and i realize this more and more. not fragile as in unstable. i have a lot of accidents. i trip almost daily; i have bruises all over me from people LOOKING at me wrong (that's how easily i bruise); i cut myself shaving every single morning; i lose contacts; i bit my lip; i slip and fall on perfectly level and dry concrete. i get my feelings hurt; my heart breaks easily; i genuinely hurt for people over the silliest things; i'm relatively sensitive. when you get down to it, i'm rather weak. now obviously, i've been through some tough stuff (who hasn't?), and survived just fine. so sometimes i like to think that i'm pretty strong. but i'm not. nobody is.

i will go out of my way to protect myself. i don't get involved in relationships. i try not to let (most) people see me cry. i act like everything is okay when it's not. i use sarcasm to keep people at a distance. i have only shared the most intimate details of my heart with two people ever (thank you, sara and joanna). i can't do much to protect myself phsically, because i'm just an accident waiting to happen. why do i do this? because i know i'm liable to break.

sometimes i think that's a sign of weakness - like it's a bad thing. but i think that's the beauty of being human. i'm breakable. everything about me is entirely and completely breakable. my heart, my spirit, and my body can all be broken in a matter of seconds. isn't that strange? so often today we're taught to be strong, to be self-sufficient, to deal with life and get over it, not to show our feelings or emotions. ridiculous. i'm not strong and neither are you.

some of the most beautiful moments in my life have been moments of complete and utter destruction of my heart. those are the moments when you feel everything. everything is sharp as a knife. you feel the shattering. you feel the sadness. you feel the desperation. you feel the pain. you even feel the hope. it's all so much more acute. and not that i'm asking for something bad to happen in my life - not at all, i actually am scared to death for something "bad" to happen to me - but i wish i could experience everything in that very same, very real, very near way EVERY day, even when everything in life is going well.

i want to remember my fraility. i want to celebrate it, even. i think life is sweeter when we're more vulnerable. this is what i'm longing for in my life. i want to be honest with what's going on. i want to ask my friends how they're doing, and for them to give me a genuine, real answer. if i hear "i'm fine" one more time, i might scream. nobody is ever just "fine." i don't believe that. everybody is always dealing with something or celebrating something. and that is NORMAL. that is life. and we should share in that with each other. it's okay to not be happy. it's okay to be frustrated. it's okay to have a little heartache. i'm learning so much about this lately, and i didn't really even realize that until i sat down to write this post. i should note that i am excluding drama queens who always have some horrible life-ending saga going on in their lives - that is NOT who i'm talking about.

anyway.

what i'm saying is this: it's a beautiful thing to be breakable. i think about a set of beautiful, hand-painted, thin as paper glasses my mom has. they're gorgeous. i'm almost afraid to use them when i'm home, because they're so fragile. but of course, i do use them. i don't pick it up and slam it down on the table like it's a mason jar. i handle it carefully. taking cautious sips out of it, and setting it back down gingerly. the fragility of the glass is part of what makes it so spectacular. it's the same with us. and obviously, glasses can break and are usually not able to be put back together, but you get what i'm saying. jesus recognizes our susceptibility to be broken - and he tells us to go ahead and be weak because his strength is made perfect in our weakness. and what's also an awesome thought is that one day, the man i'm supposed to be with, is going to see my fraility and my sensitivity and he's going to LOVE that, and he's going to cherish that, and take care of me, and protect me - the same way i carefully hold on to those beautiful glasses my mom has.

i'm not sure how to end this post. there could be more on this later. i guess lately i've just been doing a lot of soul seraching, and as corny as it may sound, i've been figuring out who i really am. when you move away from the town you grew up in, away from your parents, away from everything familiar, you really get to do that. it's been kind of nice. jesus is teaching me a lot about myself - and about who i am in light of who he is. i'm interested for you to share your thoughts on this post. do i make sense, or am i crazy? haha.

stay tuned. i'll probably follow this one up soon. : )