i write an awful lot about relationships. i think that must be because i'm a twenty-five year old single girl trying to figure out love and life. i've made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of lessons. lately, i've found myself really searching for what my life should look like as this twenty-five year old single girl.
where i thought i'd be at twenty-five:
married to a youth pastor, laboring along side my hunky husband in the ministry, baby on the way, suburban america, SUV, couple of dogs, house with a pickett fence
where i actually am:
SUV, couple of dogs, house with a really tall privacy fence
obviously, not exactly what i had in mind. through this season of my life, though, there are a few things i'm learning that i think are important for girls and women alike, whether you're 17 or 77.
1. i am beautiful. i am so uniquely and creatively and fabulously made. women are the crown of creation. we possess the most intimate and tender characterisitcs of our heavenly father. we are emotional, sensitive, relational, nurturing, loving, and fiercely protective. we are communicators and enjoy quality time with people we love. we see needs and desire to meet them. he is enthralled by our beauty - not just our physical beauty (he does find us uterlly breathtaking), but also our inner beauty (psalm 45:11). he is enthralled by us. we captivate him. if you ever find yourself feeling unbeautiful, remember that your heavenly father created you just the way you are. frizzy hair, short eyelashes, cankles, and all. and he can't take his eyes off of you. this is not just some bologna to fill our heads with to make us feel better about not having a boyfriend. it's truth straight from god's heart. take care of yourself. eat well and exercise, and then trust that you are beautiful.
2. i need to know who i am. it's so easy to look to the media, other women, and men to tell me who i should be. don't fall in to that trap. allow god to define you by his word. if you are a child of god, you are just that: a child of god. you are precious, and you are valuable. you have power and strength through christ to accomplish incredible things. you have the ability to heal with your love and your words as you allow christ to work through you. your sole responsibility is to follow christ with everything you've got. not make other people happy; not look like a supermodel; not be a CEO by the time you're thirty; not get married and have six babies. if you can get a handle on this realization early, it'll help you in the long run. knowing who you are and what your purpose is, and being confident in that, will save you some heartache in the future.
3. i am single; i am not sick. in the south, being single at twenty-five is a death sentence. i'm convinced people look at me like there's something wrong with me. and you know what, sometimes it's really easy for me to start to believe that. heck, a LOT of the time it's really easy for me to believe that. i wonder what i'm being punished for, what i'm doing wrong, or why god doesn't want me to be happy. if you feel that way, too, sister, you're not alone! i used to roll my eyes when i heard this, but not anymore: god has a plan. i guess it's probably a tad blasphemous that i rolled my eyes at scripture, but if you've ever been a single, twenty-five year old, then you have heard "god has a plan" more times than you can count. but it's true. my life isn't slipping through the cracks unnoticed. god sees me - exactly where i am. he knows how my heart aches with every disappointing relationship and how it hurts to watch yet another and another of my peers fall in love and get married while i remain single. he knows how i long to have a family and be a mother. he knows. he created me with those desires. i believe that god will give me the desires of my heart (psalm 37:4) - i will get married, or he will change my desires to be aligned with his desires for my life. being single for a season or for a lifetime does not define me; it does not make me sick; it does not mean something is wrong with me. it means god has something incredible in store for me that he can accomplish better if i am single. i'm not at the place where i just naturally trust that god's plan is better than what i have planned, and that if i'm single forever that's all fine and dandy. heck no. but i'm spending a whole lotta time praying about it. everyday i'm praying to trust him a little bit more than i did the day before.
4. there are godly men out there. somewhere. it's so easy for me to become bitter about the relationships in my past. it's so easy to lump all guys in to one category: the "worthless, no-good, lying, cheating, leaving" category. but that's just not true. there are men who love christ first, and who will be prepared to love a woman better because they love christ first. there are men who want a wife and a family. there are men who want to love and honor and protect and provide and romance a woman. they are out there. i would submit that had i made better selections when it came to the men i have dated, i would have fewer pre-conceived notions about every man i encounter.
5. i need to choose more wisely. i have dated some great guys. i have dated some guys who started out great but turned out to be losers. and i have dated some losers who i tried to make great. it's so easy (especially at this age) to try to make someone the "right" guy - to settle in some areas you never would have before; to accept some things you wouldn't ever tell your mama; to overlook some flaws you wouldn't let your best friend overlook in her boyfriend. it's easy to start thinking that someone is better than noone. wrong. trust me when i tell you that being single - beign alone - is ALWAYS better than being with the wrong person. when you compromise once, you will do it a thousand times, and you will destroy yourself. you will lose every ounce of backbone and integrity and purity you once had. don't do that, girls. get serious about relationships. choose carefully. if you do, you will avoid a lot of broken hearts, a lot of confusion, a lot of hurt, and a lot of regret. don't date someone who will ask you to compromise. dating is not something to take lightly. another person with baggage and issues and emotions has the enormous capacity to tear you apart.
6. i need to stop wasting time. i've been single (unmarried) for twenty-five years. what do i have to show for that time? i want to say that i am as close to christ as i can possibly be, that i'm a bible scholar, that i regularly lead people to christ, and that i see victory over sin often. unfortunately, my life begs to differ. when i look at my life, i see a lot of the same things i saw years ago. that leads me to think that in some ways, i've wasted so much of this precious "alone time" the lord has graciously given me. if i am to be married one day, then this season of singleness is truly a gift that i should be cherishing and taking advantage of. if i am not to be married one day, then this lifetime of singleness is truly a gift that i should be cherishing and taking advantage of. i need to dig in to the word, dig in to fellowship, dig in to community, dig in to gleaning truths and lessons and daily applications to apply to the next season of my life - whatever and wherever it may be. girls: do not waste this time in your life! it's you and jesus. use this time to soak him in. find some single girlfriends and pour out your hearts to each other for accountability and encouragement. don't spend your singleness pouting about being single. spend this time preparing for whatever your next step is.
7. i need to take responsibility for my life. sometimes crazy things happen to me. sometimes i cause crazy things to happen to me. i can't blame other people for the things that happen to me - whether it's finances, relationships, speeding tickets - whatever it is. i need to be quick to take ownership of the things i have done wrong or simply not done and accept that some things happen because of me. sometimes i am my biggest problem. i think it's so easy for girls to blame men for their issues. listen up ladies, if you are a godly woman walking with christ and striving to please him, then that should define who you date and how you date him. don't date a scumbag and then blame him because you pushed the limits physically, he lied to you, and he left you. own up to your mistakes. embrace them even. learn from them. don't waste mistakes. get in the word. immerse yourself in the word. beg god for direction, and then beg him for strength to walk in that direction. plead with him to protect you from sin. and then do your part to flee from it. take responsibility for your own actions.
8. it's not easy. following christ isn't easy. being single isn't easy. life isn't easy. keep eternal perspective and don't have unreasonable expectations. this is not heaven; we're not there yet. "set your minds on things above" (colossians 3:2). focus on christ and his kingdom and your purpose in his kindgom. simple and often repeated advice, but words that i need to take to heart.
i definitely don't have it all figured out. not even close. but i'm learning and i'm growing and i'm changing and i'm walking with christ the whole way.
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