so little time

it pains me to think that i once blogged once or twice a day, and now i barely have (or make) time to blog once a month. where shall i begin this post?

school is going wonderfully. i adore my sweet multi-aged kindergarteners, but they certainly try my patience. i often catch myself losing it with them, and feel the holy spirit saying, "stop, ashley. stop and think about how you're talking to them. remember how patient i am with you." i often fail to show them the same grace that jesus has so faithfully shown me for nearly 25 years. there are so many lessons to learn from my snotty-nosed, dirty-handed, whiney preschoolers. i think the most difficult lesson i'm learning through them is the "i know best" lesson. so many times i watch my kids make bad choices (this is the PC way to say "you did something stupid" in kindergarten). a child pushes another child, and then receives a blow to the face in retaliation. a child climbs on top of the play house outside, and then falls and busts his lip open. a child continues to talk back, and then i call his mom and he gets a spanking. when i tell my kids not to do something, when i don't give them what they want - it's because i have their best interest at heart. usually these situations end in a child screaming and crying, flailing around, kicking and pounding fists on the floor. though it breaks my heart to watch them fight me, hurt themselves in the process, and fail to trust that i do love them and want to protect them, i know that my age and wisdom and experience make me far more able to make wise decisions on their behalf. even as i type this and consider these things, i feel jesus pressing into my heart that the same is true for the "no's" and "don't do thats" he gives me.

he is pressing this into my heart, because i am currently wrestling with him. battling with him. fighting him - resisting him - call it what you want. i don't want what he wants. i want what i want. actually, i don't know exactly what he wants, but i do know what i want, and i'd rather have it and have it now that wait around for something that he thinks is better for me. i know that sounds totally un-godly. but this blog is the place that i try to be most transparent, so so-be-it. anyway. i've tried praying a million different ways to weasel what i want out of him. i'm trying to negotiate and bargain and trick god into just giving in. at this point, i can honestly say that i'd rather have the thing i want than anything else. i'd give up a lot of other things to have it. i don't care about what might be coming in just a few days, weeks, months, or years. don't care. i want what i want; i want it desperately, and i want it now. i know that's a wrong attitude, but fortunately, jesus has so graciously and patiently listened to my heart scream out to him about this. he has faithfully lent his ear to my begging and pleading and crying (and i have cried many tears for this). he has been the healing balm to my hurting heart time and time again as i struggle to give up this desire. and i fear that he will have to continue doing this for a while. but that's okay. i don't think my desire will change. what i hope he will change, though, is the attitude of my heart. i hope that he will help my heart get to the place where i let go. i let go, and i tell him that i still want what i want, but that i trust him enough to believe that his way is best (even though i don't like it). it's frustrating sometimes, because there seem to be a thousand things that point to thing i want. it makes the forgetting it and letting it go a bit harder, because i'm the kind of girl who likes to believe in "signs." what i'm also trying to remember, though, is that 1. my heart is deceitful, and 2. "our cold and ruthless enemy, his pleasure is our harm." as jesus delights in blessing me, satan delights in causing me pain - and he will do it any way he can. this is something i need to remember - that satan delights in causing me pain.

so that's the current "situation" (credit: jersey shore) in my life. my heart is breaking and being shaped and purified and experiencing new depths of longing and loneliness and fear. at the same time, though, there is a sweetness in finding that jesus is my all sufficient father. i have found zero comfort in anyone else (don't get me wrong, though, i so appreciate their sweet words and kind encouragement). what i've realized is that over this past year of my life, my heart has done more breaking and hurting and gone through more purifying than it has in about 3 years. painful? yes. encouraging and exciting? yes. oh, the irony.

this song has been playing on repeat on itunes and in my head and heart. the words perfectly describe where i'm at. it's called "breathe again" by sara bareilles.

car is parked
bags are packed
but what kind of heart doesn't look back
at the comfortable glow coming from the porch i will still call your's
all those words came undone
and now i'm the only one
facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

all i have, all i need
he's the air i would kill to breathe
holds my love in his hands
still i'm searching for something
out of breath, i am left
hoping someday i'll breathe again

open up, next to you
and my secrets become your truth
and the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
hang my head, break my heart
built from all i have torn apart
and my burden to bear is a love i can no longer carry

it hurts to be here
i only wanted love from you
it hurts to be here
what am i gonna do?